Love, Lose, Live
folder
Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
20
Views:
2,857
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
20
Views:
2,857
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
If this resembles anyone, dead, alive or otherwise, it is purely coincidental.This is a work of fiction. I, the author, hold exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited
Chapter Twenty
“That went well” James states as he washes one of the pans from dinner.
“I think so too.” I take the dish from him and dry it. He begins to wash the next one as I put that dish away.
“I like Kevin. I’m glad he’s you therapist. He’s a god guy. Plus he seems to have a better handle on your life than most. He’s gay so he won’t be as judgmental. Which is good.”
I take the next dish; “Yeah. He’s a nice guy. He frustrated me in the beginning but I realize he was just trying to get me to talk. Even if I was yelling.” I put that dish away. James is washing a couple of glasses and I put them away too. He then moves on to the knives. I dry them and lay them on the counter as I am still not allowed to get to the knife block. James hands me the last knife and as I am drying it, it slips out of my hand. It slices my palm as it galls into the sink. “Owww!” I jerk my hand back and examine the cut. It’s already bleeding as James pulls my hand to look at it. He leads me to sit in a chair with a towel wrapped around my hand before going to grab the First Aid Kit from the bathroom. He grabs a cotton pad out of the box, removes the towel places the pad on the wound. “You’d think I’d be better at handling sharp objects” I say in small, embarrassed voice. James’ body stiffens and he glares up at me.
“That’s not funny” James grinds out between his teeth as he wraps a bandage around my hand.
“I know” I sigh as I watch the bandage go round and round my hand . James cuts the bandage, clips it down and tosses everything back in the box. He gets up to put the kit away and I can see the anger in his motions. When he comes back in, he goes returns to washing to the dishes with jerky, furious movements.
“I’m sorry James. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You’re damn right you shouldn’t have said that.” He continues to wash the dishes and grabs the knife I dropped to wash it again. “It’s not fucking funny.” I shrink back in my chair and pull my legs up as his anger begins to boil over. “You need to be serious about this.” The dishes are now being put away “You honestly think this is funny?”
“No.”
“Really now?” he turns towards me and I cringe at his anger. “You seem to take the whole thing as a joke. You seem to find this funny, joking about suicide.” He drops down to his knees in front of me but I drop my head to avoid his eyes. “Don’t hide from me dammit.” He pulls at my arms and manages to unwrap them from my knees.
“Please stop. I don’t find it funny. I just said something stupid. Stop pulling on my arms. You’re hurting me again!” James’ pulling stops.
“Again?” my eyes open wide as I realize I said something I wasn’t planning on ever telling him.
“What do you mean again?” I open my moth just to close it again and look away. “Lucas” his voice actually sounds pained.
“When you pinned me up against the fridge, it left bruises on my arms and back. I know why you did it just as I understand why you’re mad now but please don’t hurt me anymore. I don’t want you to be angry anymore. I’m not trying to piss you off I swear. I don’t want you to be mad at me. I’m sorry. Don’t be made at me anymore.” My panic is starting to rise and I can feel my world shift back to my past. I hear myself give a pathetic whine of fear. When the hands release my wrists, I bring my arms up to protect my face from the expected blows. When the pain doesn’t come, my panic begins to subside to be replaced by confusion. Why isn’t he hurting me? I hear my name being repeated so I look up and see that James is hugging me. Even though I know it’s James, I still try to push him away. “Please James, get off of me. You’re too close.” He lets go of me and backs away just a little.
“I am so sorry Lucas. I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you. Oh God, I am so sorry baby.”
“It’s ok James but I need you to let me up. I need to be alone for a bit.” James’ eyes snap up and I can see the worry tainted suspicion in those orbs. “Oh for fucks sake. I won’t hurt myself just please move!” My panic is threatening to take over again if I don’t remove myself from this stressful situation. When he finally moves away enough, I stand so quickly, he falls over. I run outside and sit on the bench under the willow tree.
“I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m fine. I’m ok. Pull it together Lucas. He’s not here. Father isn’t here. He can’t hurt you. You’re fine. I’m fine. I’m ok” I say rocking myself back and forth and trying to put a stopper on my panic. As I calm down, I notice how cold I am in only a t-shirt and jeans. I wipe my eyes, curl my arms around myself and go back inside. James is not in the kitchen anymore but I see a mug of hot chocolate on the counter. I smile when I pick it up. I go to the living room and sit in the chair that faces the window. I sip my hot chocolate feeling my panic drain away almost completely. I hear James come down the stairs and walk up behind me.
“Thank you for the hot chocolate. It’s delicious” I say without turning to face him.
“You’re welcome.” James hugs me from over the back of the chair. I put one of my hands on his arms. “I am so sorry Lucas. I am so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to. I just got so mad. I don’t want to loss you.” He squeezes me even tighter.
“I forgive you James. I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I just… can’t handle things sometimes. And I wasn’t trying to make light of my cutting and suicide attempts. I make stupid comments when I get nervous or embarrassed. I didn’t mean to”
“Shush Lucas. I know now that you weren’t serious. I overreacted and for that I apologize. I will do my best never to hurt you again. That I can promise.” He gives me another tight hug and I can hear the honesty in his voice. We stay that way for a while. James hugging me and me sipping the hot chocolate he made me. The moment reminds me of Brian and I realize something rather surprising. Even though James can jump to some violent conclusions sometimes, I love him. I love James. My heart sinks instead of soaring like it normally does with love. I’ve betrayed Brian. I turn my ring about on my finger, my heart heavy and my mind turning the word “traitor” around in my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey guys. Pretty quick update for me. Enjoy and review!
“I think so too.” I take the dish from him and dry it. He begins to wash the next one as I put that dish away.
“I like Kevin. I’m glad he’s you therapist. He’s a god guy. Plus he seems to have a better handle on your life than most. He’s gay so he won’t be as judgmental. Which is good.”
I take the next dish; “Yeah. He’s a nice guy. He frustrated me in the beginning but I realize he was just trying to get me to talk. Even if I was yelling.” I put that dish away. James is washing a couple of glasses and I put them away too. He then moves on to the knives. I dry them and lay them on the counter as I am still not allowed to get to the knife block. James hands me the last knife and as I am drying it, it slips out of my hand. It slices my palm as it galls into the sink. “Owww!” I jerk my hand back and examine the cut. It’s already bleeding as James pulls my hand to look at it. He leads me to sit in a chair with a towel wrapped around my hand before going to grab the First Aid Kit from the bathroom. He grabs a cotton pad out of the box, removes the towel places the pad on the wound. “You’d think I’d be better at handling sharp objects” I say in small, embarrassed voice. James’ body stiffens and he glares up at me.
“That’s not funny” James grinds out between his teeth as he wraps a bandage around my hand.
“I know” I sigh as I watch the bandage go round and round my hand . James cuts the bandage, clips it down and tosses everything back in the box. He gets up to put the kit away and I can see the anger in his motions. When he comes back in, he goes returns to washing to the dishes with jerky, furious movements.
“I’m sorry James. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You’re damn right you shouldn’t have said that.” He continues to wash the dishes and grabs the knife I dropped to wash it again. “It’s not fucking funny.” I shrink back in my chair and pull my legs up as his anger begins to boil over. “You need to be serious about this.” The dishes are now being put away “You honestly think this is funny?”
“No.”
“Really now?” he turns towards me and I cringe at his anger. “You seem to take the whole thing as a joke. You seem to find this funny, joking about suicide.” He drops down to his knees in front of me but I drop my head to avoid his eyes. “Don’t hide from me dammit.” He pulls at my arms and manages to unwrap them from my knees.
“Please stop. I don’t find it funny. I just said something stupid. Stop pulling on my arms. You’re hurting me again!” James’ pulling stops.
“Again?” my eyes open wide as I realize I said something I wasn’t planning on ever telling him.
“What do you mean again?” I open my moth just to close it again and look away. “Lucas” his voice actually sounds pained.
“When you pinned me up against the fridge, it left bruises on my arms and back. I know why you did it just as I understand why you’re mad now but please don’t hurt me anymore. I don’t want you to be angry anymore. I’m not trying to piss you off I swear. I don’t want you to be mad at me. I’m sorry. Don’t be made at me anymore.” My panic is starting to rise and I can feel my world shift back to my past. I hear myself give a pathetic whine of fear. When the hands release my wrists, I bring my arms up to protect my face from the expected blows. When the pain doesn’t come, my panic begins to subside to be replaced by confusion. Why isn’t he hurting me? I hear my name being repeated so I look up and see that James is hugging me. Even though I know it’s James, I still try to push him away. “Please James, get off of me. You’re too close.” He lets go of me and backs away just a little.
“I am so sorry Lucas. I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you. Oh God, I am so sorry baby.”
“It’s ok James but I need you to let me up. I need to be alone for a bit.” James’ eyes snap up and I can see the worry tainted suspicion in those orbs. “Oh for fucks sake. I won’t hurt myself just please move!” My panic is threatening to take over again if I don’t remove myself from this stressful situation. When he finally moves away enough, I stand so quickly, he falls over. I run outside and sit on the bench under the willow tree.
“I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m fine. I’m ok. Pull it together Lucas. He’s not here. Father isn’t here. He can’t hurt you. You’re fine. I’m fine. I’m ok” I say rocking myself back and forth and trying to put a stopper on my panic. As I calm down, I notice how cold I am in only a t-shirt and jeans. I wipe my eyes, curl my arms around myself and go back inside. James is not in the kitchen anymore but I see a mug of hot chocolate on the counter. I smile when I pick it up. I go to the living room and sit in the chair that faces the window. I sip my hot chocolate feeling my panic drain away almost completely. I hear James come down the stairs and walk up behind me.
“Thank you for the hot chocolate. It’s delicious” I say without turning to face him.
“You’re welcome.” James hugs me from over the back of the chair. I put one of my hands on his arms. “I am so sorry Lucas. I am so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to. I just got so mad. I don’t want to loss you.” He squeezes me even tighter.
“I forgive you James. I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I just… can’t handle things sometimes. And I wasn’t trying to make light of my cutting and suicide attempts. I make stupid comments when I get nervous or embarrassed. I didn’t mean to”
“Shush Lucas. I know now that you weren’t serious. I overreacted and for that I apologize. I will do my best never to hurt you again. That I can promise.” He gives me another tight hug and I can hear the honesty in his voice. We stay that way for a while. James hugging me and me sipping the hot chocolate he made me. The moment reminds me of Brian and I realize something rather surprising. Even though James can jump to some violent conclusions sometimes, I love him. I love James. My heart sinks instead of soaring like it normally does with love. I’ve betrayed Brian. I turn my ring about on my finger, my heart heavy and my mind turning the word “traitor” around in my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey guys. Pretty quick update for me. Enjoy and review!