To Become

1:17am - Eat

Ryan is the room with me. Greg went back. Ryan hasn't talked to me since our conversation this morning. No. Our fight. And perhaps a resolution.

He's just sitting there reading a book. I'm lying here writing. I wish he would say something to me. Anything.

We did get into another arguement around noon. A nurse brought in my food. I didn't eat at all yesterday. I said I still wasn't feeling too well after what happened. I'm sure that's why Ryan ordered the tube. It's kind of itchy. Today though, I just sat here staring at it. Ryan sat in the same chair he is now just watching me. "Eat." I shook my head. He stood up and I shrunk back swearing he was going to hit me, but he just sat down next to me on the bed. "You have to eat. If you don't, I will put this food down your throat myself." I couldn't eat it. I just couldn't. I'm still not good enough for him. He just said that I was not nothing to him. That isn't the same. I still don't believe the crap he said after that. I thought perhaps that could really be it. I'll just pretend for now. If I asked him if he loved me, he'll still say no.

He grabbed the fork and cut a peach slice into a smaller bite. Putting the fork through, he raised it to my mouth. "Open." Being stubborn like I am at times, I squeezed my lips together letting him know that I wasn't going to. He sighed and raised his hand and dug his fingers into my jaw, forcing me to open my mouth. He immediately shoved the piece in and covered my mouth and my nose. Once again I couldn't breathe and I was determined not to swallow. My vision got blurry though and I got scared. Really scared as I felt myself start to black out. He really wasn't going to move his hand until I swallowed! I did, and he removed it immediately. "Eat willingly and I won't have to do that again." Another bite to my lips. I turned my head and started thrashing around. He wasn't going to make me open my mouth again. It was a bad mistake. Before I knew it, he had pressed the button getting Dr. Houle to come in himself. I was immediately restrained. I fought against it, but it was digging into my skin. I was too worn out to keep struggling, and I just stopped.

I had no choice. I let him feed me. Dr. Houle raised the bed up, and bite after bite, I chewed and swallowed. I cried. I begged him to stop, but he didn't.

It felt like forever before I was done. I felt like throwing up. Not making myself, but really needed to throw up. I felt it rise to my throat and I grasped my stomach, but it never came up. It stayed down. Why?

I've always hated hospitals especially when you're stuck with the same person who kidnapped you and trained you in your face and never leaving your sight 24/7. The moment he left I could just quickly dial the police and go back home. I did look around for the phone, but discovered the cord had been ripped out. All necessary precautions. I wonder if the nurses were on payroll too. Didn't they suspect anything? Maybe if they did, they were too scared to go to authorities. Ryan isn't afraid to kill. He can do it quickly as well. Jason told me once that Ryan could kill in less than a second just with his bare hands. A person would never know what hit them...

I'm so bored. Maybe he would let me watch television for a while. There has to be something to watch that's more interesting than just sitting here, seeing his eyes glance over at me every now and then. Creepy.

I'll just ask and we'll see.

And he says yes! Score! At least that's what Ryne would say.

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12:39pm

Okay, so they brought lunch in already. I can't wait to go back to the warehouse. I told Ryan that and he gave me a strange look. "You really want to go back there?" I nodded. I get sick of hospitals, and there is nothing to do but write, watch tv or talking to Ryan which I really don't feel like doing. He keeps looking over at me too. What a jerk! I'm eating! Picking at it, but I'm still eating.

They did blood work and said that my electrolytes were low. Whatever those are. I guess it causes heart problems or something. I didn't ask. I'd rather not know.

The best part so far about today has been that earlier, Ryan was on the phone with Brad. They were talking business as usual. When they started talking about something else, I started waving at Ryan. He was like, "What," with his annoyed voice. I asked him if I could talk to Sara. He sighed and I gave him my begging look. Like, "Pwease Ryan..." Of course I didn't say that, but it would have been funny. He said that I had one minute then asked Brad to put Sara on the phone. We didn't talk long except for how we were both doing, and then Ryan just grabbed his cell from me. That was rude. That's what I told him. He glared and I moved away.

Today has gone well between Ryan and me. We haven't talked much, but I was thinking about having him tell Greg to bring a game when he came up next.

Ryan just yelled at me for eating too slow. What is his problem! I'M EATING AREN'T I! We're going to get into another fight. I'm sure I'll tell you about it later journal. He's still yelling at me. Not listening!