Rooftop

AN: This was on y!gallery (yaoi gallery) yesterday. >__>; Also, sorry for the SUPER long delay. I won't go into details, cause I don't want to. But here's the next chapter, and I hope you guys enjoy! And...I hope you have tissues. O__O Tis very dramatic, this chapter.






Ethan's palm stung from the force of the impact, and he could see even through Fen's dark-toned skin, the beginnings of a redness. Only slightly darker and growing more so as the blood underneath that skin rose to the surface.

Fen's hands fell away from Ethan's arms, and hung limp at the larger male's sides, his face averted, eyes blank and unmoving.

Ethan trembled, every nerve in his body tight and twitching. He couldn't believe what he'd just been through. What Fen had been through. What Fen had done.

He shook his head at himself, trying to deny all he'd just seen and experienced, but it was there. It was real and shocking and harsh. The whole mess of Fen's past, intertwined with his own, laid out bare before him. Just like he'd asked, right?

But not like this, in front of all these people.

A soft sound ahead of him had him glancing up to see Gevi laughing softly up by the throne. One pale white hand covered over his smirking mouth, and soft, breathy laughter was sneaking out.

No, Ethan hadn't wanted to be exposed like this. To be shown something so intimate and personal and private amongst so many strangers and enemies. For that, Ethan was extremely bitter. And hurt. He couldn't even wrap his head around what had happened, because he knew if he did, he'd fall apart, right here in the throne room, in front of everyone.

And he couldn't even bring himself to look at Fen. Not again, because that would also be his undoing.

Instead he stared at Gevi, who was still fighting gleeful laughter, that angry face for once softened in happiness. And Ethan was terrified. He knew now why Gevi hated Fen so much. He understood where that rage came from, the resentment. Not that it excused anything, or suddenly made it okay for Gevi to be so hateful. But Ethan now just...understood.

Not that he blamed Lugh for leaving Gevi, not after seeing how Gevi'd deserted Lugh in his time of need. At least Fen had risen to the occasion and saved him. But then...Lugh's life with Fen...

Had that been any better than it would have been with Gevi?

Ethan didn't know if it would have been, but what he saw had been completely disgraceful. Heartbreaking.

Unable to stare at Gevi any longer, he switched to the king. And immediately had to look away because of the bile rising in his throat.

What an awful man! All of Ethan's initial impressions of the king had been false. He'd thought him kind. He'd thought him caring. Ha! What a crock!

What kind of man let his own son and the mother of his child be sent away? And even before that he was cheating on his own wife! Then to leave Fen and his mother abandoned in that desert, then do something as despicable as attempt to murder his own son! Ethan almost couldn't think it, or else he'd be sick all over himself.

After seeing such a horrible thing, Ethan couldn't tell up from down anymore. Everything he knew to be true was suddenly dangerously tainted by this new knowledge.

Especially his treasured memories of his Bond with Fen.

He thought it had been something special, their love for each other. And the magical night on the roof, when they first held each other, was that also a lie? Ethan used to believe that their lives had come together due to some sort of destined connection between the two of them. But to find that their meeting had not been clandestine at all but because of an act of cruelty was devastating. Violence and hatred and shame had brought them together. Or rather, brought Fen into his happy life and blew it all to pieces.

Fen...Why?

Unable to avoid it another second, Ethan glanced down to see Fen staring back at him, the other's expression one of pure desperation.

Ethan lost it.

Hot tears flooded his eyes and he fled, whipping around and dashing out the massive archway they'd all come in through.

Voices called out of him, and Ethan heard Fen's quiet cry, but he ran because he couldn't face this. This was way too much.

So, instead of dealing with it like an adult who could handle their emotions, he fucking ran. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Fuck Gevi, fuck the king, fuck everything. Hell, fuck Fen.

Fen.

Ethan sobbed helplessly at the thought of his mate, of what Fen did, how he...broke everything between them.

The hallways were long and winding and Ethan easily got lost in seconds. But that didn't matter, because he wanted to be lost, he wanted to hide away so no one could find him. He couldn't even bring himself to pay attention, and he nearly slammed into a wall as the a hallway curved. Bracing his palm against that cool wood, he struggled to catch his breath, gasping past the hurt and tears. How...

How had Fen been able to look him in the eyes all this time, look at him and smile and say he loved him, see all of Ethan's pain and suffering, and keep that secret? How could he maintain a straight face? An unwavering facade of sincerity and love with such a monstrous darkness beneath.

Ethan shivered, clutching at his chest and willing himself to keep standing, when all he wanted to do was curl into himself on the floor and disappear against the wall. Disappear and never be found, because the one person he truly loved, and the only person to love him in years, was a traitor. Fen had taken his trust, his being, his everything, and broken it. Everything he knew of Fen had been either false or incorrect. Because Fen had kept it from him.

And Fen had...Fen hadn't picked up that gun and killed Ethan's parents and brother, but he was the catalyst that caused it. And not once, did Fen ever tell him. With confession comes truth and apology, and from apologies, come forgiveness. But Fen did none of that, so Ethan couldn't forgive.

Ahead of him was a door, leading to who even knew where, and Ethan stumbled towards it, stepping up close to the threshold and breathing in relief when the door slid open for him. Inside was a bedroom, but thankfully not his own, and he entered with another sob.

It was dark inside, and he couldn't remember what the words were to make those creatures light up, but it didn't matter because he knew the trick now. Before the door could shut behind him, he raced to the far wall, and reached it just as it did and left the room in darkness. With blind fingers, he groped over the wall, searching for the window he knew was there. Then there was a tiny slit in the wood, and he pressed around it, breath whooshing out as the panel slid aside and moonlight flooded in. He'd forgotten it was already night time. It seemed like such a long time had passed since they'd first entered the throne room. But, being in Fen's mind, and seeing what he saw of his life, Ethan could understand why he was so disoriented. He'd just lived another life.

Fen's life.

He wished he hadn't seen it. He wished he didn't know. That he could be ignorant forever. Return to his old life, with his old knowledge. But no, he knew now. He knew everything, and he would never forget as long as he lived.

He was no longer crying, but his eyes refused to dry, and his chest rattled with wetness and nerves, leaving him more shaken that he thought he'd been already. His head ached horribly, and he stumbled to the bed, his movements jerky.

The mattress was soft and welcomed him like a friend. Ethan wound himself up in the sheets and tried to shut down, like he used to be able to. But his mind was racing and his heart ached. When had he forgotten how to forget? This pain was familiar, and yet so new. He was used to being hurt. To feeling alone.

But this was the first time he'd ever trusted someone so deeply only to find out everything had been a farce. He'd never been betrayed before.

Some part of his brain buzzed and he focused on it, realizing with dread that Fen was growing close to where he was. He sat up in a panic, hoping with all his might that he'd never find him, but Ethan knew that was impossible. Fen would find him, just like Ethan could find Fen if he tried. Even now, focusing on that section of his mind that was connected to Fen, he could practically feel how far away he was.

He paled when the presence stopped right outside his door.

Don't open, he silently begged.

And his plea was heard, apparently, because Fen was suddenly pounding on the door. “Ethan!” He cried, his voice hoarse and full of the kind of pain Ethan currently had bleeding out in his heart. “Please, let me in!” {Let me in Let me in Let me in!} “Please, I have to talk to you {Open the door!} and explain to you! You pushed yourself out of my mind before I could finish, I still {Open Open Open!} have so much to show you! Please! {Please!}”

“No...” Ethan whispered, curling back up into the sheets, and burrowing away from the noise. “No.”

But he sat up with a gasp as Fen started screaming in his head.

{Ethan. Open the door! Do not shut yourself away from me! I deserve that much! Please!}

Fen wouldn't go away, that much Ethan could bet.

{You are are damn right. Please, Ethan, let me in. Let us talk this over.}

Ethan frowned, his eyes still wet. Might as well get this over with. Then he could return to nothingness and try to lick his wounds in peace. Glancing at the door, he tried to figure out how to get it to open, and he jumped when it simply slid open, revealing Fen completely distraught behind it with his hands raised as if about to start banging again. They lowered slowly, and Fen stepped inside, keeping distance from the bed. For which Ethan was grateful.

“Ethan...” Fen swallowed, hands clumsy at his sides and his eyes hazy with emotion. “I am so sorry.”

No, Ethan wouldn't meet his eyes anymore. Instead he glanced to the window. The moon sure was bright here. Maybe because they were so high up? Leaves and small branches were visible through that opening, and Ethan could feel a faint breeze. It was cold. He shivered.

“Please, Ethan, please, look at me.” Fen begged, quickly saying the words to light the room up.

Ethan shook his head, flinching at the sudden brightness. “No.”

A burst of anger washed over him, and Ethan recoiled from the strange feeling of foreign emotion barreling at him.

“You think I wanted to tell you like that?! You think I wanted you to find out in front of everyone?! I heard your thoughts! You were hurt, I understand, and wished I would have told you sooner, yes, I get that! But, Ethan, for god's sake, I didn't plan that!”

It was Fen's anger rolling over him, Ethan realized. He could feel the other's emotions, like a slap to the face, rocketing at him. It was surprising, since Fen always kept his own emotions under such tight control, and some deep part of Ethan rejoiced to know he was creating so much distress. At the very least, he wasn't the only one who's mind was in turmoil tonight.

“I'm not just in turmoil, Ethan, I'm broken.” Came Fen's reedy rasp. He took a step away from the door, closing the gap between them by a few inches.

“No!” Ethan shrieked, vaulting off the bed and over the other side. “You stay there! I don't want you near me! Don't come any closer, or I'll...I'll...” His voice broke and he couldn't come up with anything harsh enough.

{Please, Ethan, little love, my love, listen to me-}

“Get out of my head!” He screamed, hands flying to his ears in an attempt to block it out, though he knew it was futile. They dropped away almost immediately, and Ethan shook with the emotions rolling off both of them.

“You have to listen to me!” Fen demanded, his voice like a force, anger tinging the background. “You owe me that much, Ethan!”

And at that, Ethan was angry too. He was enraged. “Oh, I 'owe' you that?!” He hissed, stalking around the bed to glare at the other. “What do I owe you?!”

Fen's expression was of shock and his hands came up placatingly. “Ethan-”

“No, I don't want to hear it!” Ethan cried, stomping his foot furiously. “I owe you nothing! You say you didn't 'plan' that?! Well, I'm so sorry it didn't go as you planned! What exactly was your plan? Hm? Did any part of your plan include telling me?! Telling me that you...you...God!” Ethan couldn't even say it. The words wouldn't even leave his lips. Hell, they wouldn't even form in his throat. “Well?” He snarled, instead directing his attention to Fen again. “What exactly was the plan? Was telling the truth part of your plan? Or did you feel it appropriate to lie to me every waking second of every day instead.”

A tortured sound gurgled out of Fen's mouth, and he clenched his hands into tight fists. “No. I...I didn't...”

“Didn't plan on ever telling me?” Ethan supplied in fierce monotone.

Fen gave a violent shake of his head. “No, that's not it. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you from the first time we spoke, but I couldn't! Don't you understand, I couldn't!”

“Why?! Why couldn't you?! Just tell me the truth! That's all I ever wanted!”

“But if I told you, you would have-You wouldn't have wanted-” Fen's voice cracked, and Ethan watched him shake with frustration.

“I don't care what the excuse is.” He said quietly. “There is no excuse. I gave you everything.” He looked straight into Fen's shimmering eyes. “I opened myself to you, let you see everything. Even knowing that you knew about me before I knew about you, I still gave you more.” His lower lip trembled, but he held it together. “No secrets, no lies, nothing about me was left to just myself, yet you,” He breathed the word. “-lied. You kept secrets. You took my trust and locked it away, all to yourself. You betrayed me! Don't you understand what love is? I may be young, but I still know what it is! It's giving yourself to someone! It's sharing yourself with someone! It's letting a person into your life and trusting that they will cherish you! I cannot even begin to explain how difficult it was for me to open up to you! To allow you into my life and to allow you to have me! Do you even know?! Do you even care?! What I went through? All that pain and anguish, and you were the cause of it! Because of you, my...No.” His breathing was quick, but Ethan steeled himself. For the first time, he was going to say the difficult things without backing down. “And you never stopped to return the favor, to give yourself to me, any of you, but you outwardly denied me my right as your lover, as your partner, as your Bonded mate to know you!”

“Ethan...I just wanted to love you.”

“Oh, you did. You loved me every which way there was!” Ethan snapped, laying the sarcasm on extra thick. Did Fen have to phrase it like that? So one-sidedly? “You loved all of me, and let me have nothing! I know nothing about you! I don't even know what your favorite color is! And up until a minute ago, I didn't know about your childhood. I didn't know about Aerima, or Gevi. I didn't know about your father. Good god, how do you not tell someone you're a prince?!” A dark laugh had him shaking. “How do you keep that secret?!”

Fen seemed to have trouble standing now, his face drooping and pinched. “I didn't...It wasn't...Why is it important?” He stuttered, dejection seeping from his voice.

“It's important because it's you! It's important because you want me to love you, but I can't love someone blindly. I need to know that you're real. Not some projection of my fantasies. Who you are is very important! Who you are is everything!”

“But I'm not even a prince! It's just...I'm the next in the bloodline, so...” Fen trailed off yet again.

Ethan's fists balled, and he rolled his eyes in aggravation, an angry huff of breath rushing out. “And how am I supposed to know that?! I don't even know why we're here! I have no idea why this is such an issue, or why you weren't here already to be a prince, or why you were so angry about it. I get why you hate your father, but only just now because you were forced to show me. And I finally understand some of your quirks, but not all of them, and I had no idea you're childhood was so rough! Or that we had so much in common-” He abandoned that thought quickly, as it made his stomach churn. “You seemed to know everything about me when we met, yet at no point did you reciprocate.”

“I planned on telling you eventually, Ethan, I really did, but...” This time when Fen trailed off, Ethan didn't supply a response. He watched as Fen grew more awkward, the larger male reaching up to rub at the back of his neck as he fumbled for the rest of his words. “But...The timing just never seemed right.”

“Of course not.” Sneered Ethan coldly. “There's never a good time to share secrets with a lover. Or talk about their past with them. Heaven forbid there's a real connection. Best that they instead spend their days with ceaseless fucking.” Not that Ethan had complained at the time, but looking back now, what did they ever do?

They hadn't been connecting on anything past the physical level. They'd merely existed. Endless conversations now seemed flaky and aloof. Perverted jokes and pillow-talk and escape from speech with sex. Where was the depth there? “I hate not knowing about you. And I hate how it all happened. How I was shown, and what I was shown. I hate how I never knew anything. Nothing about the king, nothing about your mother, nothing about your first love. Or...or...” He shuddered to think of it. “Or...Lugh.” Ethan shuddered again, just remembering. “For god's sake, Fen...” A swallow. “How could you? How could you treat him like that?”

Those silver eyes bulged, and Fen's black skin went ashen. “I...”

“He loved you!” Ethan quickly sobbed, his heart bleeding for the deceased male. “He loved you with all his heart and you just...You just...Fuck, I don't think I've ever seen someone so mistreated. He gave you everything too, and you just...Just like me, Lugh opened himself up to you and gave his heart to you like I did, and you did the same. But oh fuck, it was so much worse.” Ethan stepped back and slumped on the bed corner, his legs shaky. “All he wanted was you, and you stepped all over him. Why did you lead him on like that? How could you be so cruel?”

Fen was suddenly animated, and frantic, stepping quick to Ethan and grasping at his arms, his big hands wrapping easily around Ethan's biceps. “Don't you say I didn't love him.” He whispered heatedly, a bare threat underlying the words. “I love him with all my heart.”

Hearing such ridiculous words had Ethan laughing, albeit a little hysterically, and he pushed Fen away, only a little surprised that the other let him. “I don't believe it.” His words were defiant, and he purposely put an edge to them. “That's just another lie. If you loved him that much, you wouldn't have treated him like shit.”

The black-haired male looked like he'd been punched, and he visibly flinched, averting his eyes. “You don't understand...”

“About what?! I saw it!” In great detail too. Every painstaking moment. “You can't tell me that you loved him. It seemed like you didn't even like him!”

“I did love him!” Fen choked out, reaching up to rub roughly at his eyes. “I just...You don't know what it was like. You don't understand!”

“Well then.” Ethan folded him arms defensively across his chest. “Why don't you take a moment to explain it to me.”

That had Fen's face puckering up into a grimace, and he slumped his shoulders in defeat. “...Everyday on the Flats was a battle. You'll never know what living there was like. Seeing it, even under the facade of being me, doesn't mean you understand it. You couldn't have anything, because it would be taken from you. And you couldn't get anything unless you took it from someone else. The only way to make your dreams come true was to crush someone else's. It hardened you. It made you do certain things and act certain ways...that you'd otherwise never do.”

Ethan, though drawn in by Fen's somber tone, wasn't convinced. “Then why wasn't Lugh hardened? He seemed sweet enough to me.”

Fen's lower lip trembled, and his eyes grew even more shiny with wetness. “Because Lugh was different. He...He thought I was his hero. He worshiped the ground I walked on and treated me like I was his most precious treasure. And I...” A single, quiet sob had Fen's shoulders twitching. “I treated him horribly. I know that. I know I treated him bad. I never said anything nice to him, and I never praised him. It was always criticism. But...I didn't know how else to treat him. Everything I'd ever loved in my entire life ended up leaving me or was taken from me. My father sent us away and out of his life, Aerima was murdered, my mother was...murdered.”

At that, Ethan did still momentarily. He'd forgotten. Though it was at this moment he remembered all the times Fen had said that he and the larger male were alike in many ways.

But that didn't excuse the rest, and Ethan steeled his face once more. “I don't believe you. I don't believe you at all. Judging from what I've seen, and I saw everything as you, there was no love.”

Fen grimaced, whirling back to face him, expression wild. “There was! Please stop saying I didn't love him!”

Fen's high, desperate tone had Ethan reeling back, blinking in surprise. “I just-”

“No! You really don't...” He let out a sharp breath between his teeth. “I could never show him how much I cared because...everything I loved was ruined! Slowly but surely. And Lugh was the only thing I had left, the only person who loved me. I didn't want to...” Here, Fen paused, seemingly searching for words. “...If I put all my heart into him, then what would I do when he was taken from me?! How could I possibly survive once he was gone?!”

“Why the hell would he be gone?” Ethan demanded. “If anything, you're the one who pushed him away!” He shook his head, brow furrowed angrily. It was nobody's fault but Fen's, for acting like he had.

But then Fen suddenly broke down, sliding down to his knees and sobbing hysterically into his open palms.

Ethan stared with huge eyes, completely turned upside-down at seeing him like this. He'd never seen Fen cry before. Not more than a few tears here or there. And it was quite alarming. He found himself speechless.

But Fen apparently didn't need any help, because his sobs were interjected by words. “I know! I know!” He cried, voice bordering on pained. “I pushed him over the edge, I drove him to it! I was the one who got him hooked on the drugs! But I swear, I did it to help!” Fen's head whipped up, and silver eyes bored into Ethan's. “I could tell I was no longer enough! He was so...so...unhappy, and all I wanted was for him to smile again. He always had the most breathtaking smile.”

Ethan ignored the twinge of jealousy suddenly churning his stomach.

“So, I found Other-Side drugs and convinced him to take them with me. Oh god...” Fen quieted, a blissful gleam brightening his tear-drenched eyes. “Those first few weeks were amazing...It was like when we were kids, careless and open and I was able to let myself...just...relax.” The bliss faded back into hardness. “But then it stopped. And it hurt to be without it. It didn't feel as good anymore. We needed more and more just to feel the slightest high, and Lugh was starting to suffer.” Fen paused. “...No. He did suffer. He suffered for a year, then...” His voice tapered away into another cracked sob, then Fen's head drooped, face full of suffering as he stared at the floor. “I know I was harsh to him. I couldn't let him know how much I loved him. In my head...I loved my mother and Aerima, but they both died. And I loved my father, and he tried to...” Fen slumped further. “I lived for Lugh, and when he...when he died...I didn't have anyone to live for.” Fen's head lifted, and expectant eyes focused on Ethan. “But then I had you.” A new tone this time. Less despair, and more...persuasion. “Can't you see, Ethan?” He asked softly, rising once more to his feet and coming quick to loom over Ethan. “Because of Lugh, I was able to meet you.”

“Fen!” Ethan gasped, backing into the bed. How could he say something like that?! It wasn't persuasion in his voice now, but pure delusion. “Don't say something so...vile.”

More tears, and Fen was reaching to grasp Ethan's hands. “But it's true! Can't you see? If I hadn't started using, then Lugh wouldn't have ever killed your parents, and I wouldn't have ever met-”

Slap

Ethan was wheezing, his palm stinging again after slapping across Fen's cheek. The same cheek as before. His hand was still bent up in the air, and he was filled with disbelief. How the hell did Fen think what he'd been saying was acceptable? Or appropriate? Or even right? “What is wrong with you?” He screeched.

Fen sniffled, letting go off Ethan's other hand and instead kneeling before him, eyes clear once more. “...I'm sorry.” He whispered. “I don't know what came over me. I don't know why I said something so detestable.” He sniffed again, his wrist coming up and wiping underneath his nose.

Still recovering from the shock of the other's words, Ethan wasn't quite sure what to say. And he wondered if, despite Fen's apology, there wasn't some truth in the what Fen had said. And that sparked something else inside his head, and as he thought it, Fen's head swung back up and there was a protest forming on those lips.

{Ethan, no-}

But he couldn't stop it. “Why did you watch me?” He whispered, a small knot forming in his stomach. “You didn't know me before Lugh...did that, so...why did you stay and watch over me? Was it...” But the word wouldn't come.

Guilt.

Fen swallowed heavily, the sound like a hammer falling. His hesitence was palpable, but he finally shook his head. “...No. No, it's not guilt. I...I love you, Ethan.”

Goosebumps erupted all over Ethan's body. “I didn't ask if it was guilt right now. I asked if it was guilt back then. That made you stay with me. That made you want me.”

Fen's silence spoke volumes, and suddenly the bottom dropped away from Ethan's gut. It was guilt, wasn't it. That made Fen come to him. Some sort of strange sense of being indebted to him? Was that it? Fen caused Ethan's family to die, so...in payment, he becomes some sort of Guardian? And where in there was there love? How could Fen even love him?

Fen choked, mouth open in attempt to speak, but none coming forth.

Ethan's brow hardened. “Why did you come to me that night on the roof?”

“Uhm...” Fen coughed quickly, clearing his throat. “I, uh, wanted to...I couldn't take not being with my love anymore.” He said grandly, the tone of the words making them sound noble.

But Ethan saw right through it. “How were you in love with me? We'd never met.”

A panicked blinking of silver eyes. “But...I-”

“And furthermore, why did you even stay with me? After Lugh killed my parents, what made you stick around? Was it guilt, Fen? Did you stay to watch me because...Was it obligation? Were you trying to make yourself feel better because you'd ruined my life?”

{God, Ethan.} Fen was rendered mute, but his eyes were practically bleeding pain.

“Since you're not correcting me, I'm going to assume that I'm right, that you decided to watch over me because you felt guilty. Is that true?”

The smallest dip of Fen's head. “...Yes. At first...yes.”

Ethan scoffed, emboldened by his anger. “'At first, yes'? What do you mean 'at first'? At first it was guilt, then you fell in love with me?” He scoffed, crossing his arms. “How exactly did you fall in love with me without talking to me? I was just a kid, so I hope you weren't attracted to me back then, and I don't know what would make you find me interesting, because all I remember is abuse and unhappiness. ” His eyes widened, and his voice caught as another horrific thought entered his head. “Am I a replacement for Lugh?!” Dear god, please let that not be true.

“That's not it!” Fen cried, new tears streaming down his cheeks. “I swear to everything I hold dear that's not true! I love you!” One hand landed on Ethan's face, cupping his jaw.

But Ethan shook it off, jerking his face away. “Why?! Why do you love me?! What changed guilt into love?! You had three years, and if you truly loved Lugh as much as you say then there is no way you would have gotten over him so quickly, no way you would have moved on! He's been with you since you were a child and it only takes a couple years to forget him?! And then how long did it take to fall in love with me?! Either you didn't love Lugh that much, or you didn't love me as much as you claimed when we had sex on the roof! You can't have both, Fen!” The words flew from his lips, uncensored. “And since you've already admitted you watched over me out of guilt, then at what point did this guilt turn into love? Or is it that instead of love, what happened in your head is that you saw me as this helpless, needy, scared little boy, just like Lugh was when he was younger, and you felt like I was a second chance at making things right?”

There was a quick moment that Ethan saw the protest forming in Fen's mind, but then just as quickly, it was gone and Fen merely blinked at him like he'd come to a realization. Then that was gone too as Fen ducked his head and sighed.

“Whatever happened to make me fall for you, even if it wasn't...what I thought, right away... I'm still glad that I found you.” He looked up, a new resolve in his eyes. “I do love you, Ethan. Very much.”

It wasn't going to be over that easy. “But was I or was I not a replacement.” Less a question, and more demand for the truth.

And it took Fen a long time to answer. “...I think...maybe...in a way...yes. At first, you were a replacement. Fuck...” The very picture of dejection, Fen rubbed at his eyes. “I saw redemption in you, Ethan. I saw a way to make up for my mistakes. I was going to guard over you and find forgiveness for my treatment of Lugh by taking care of you.”

Ethan found his eyes were getting hot, but he blinked to keep any wayward tears at bay. “But you didn't take care of me. I didn't even know you existed til three years after their deaths.”

Still monotone, Fen gave him a quiet reply. “I couldn't let you see me. I didn't want to know you in the beginning. And I didn't want you to know me. I was just going to try and shadow you until you got back on your feet. I wanted you to find a new family, and I was going to protect you until you did. I had no idea you'd go through what you did. But, while you were in those homes, I was there. I always watched. Who do you think brought you to the hospital when your first foster father beat you unconscious?”

That was new. And dear god, Ethan nearly jumped out of his skin. “What?”

“It was me.” Fen murmured, hands balling into nervous fists. “I watched as he hit you, and I was still pretty messed up by then. I'd tried to stop using-”

Ethan paled further at the mention of drugs. He'd wondered if Fen had stopped using right after Lugh had died, considering he obviously wasn't addicted or using heroin any longer.

“-But it was harder than I thought, and they had a hold on me. I kept going off it for long spans of time, but then would go back. Took me a year to finally quit. But before that, I was half-stoned most of the time. And I brought you to the hospital after that man hit you til you lay as if dead.” With blank eyes, Fen stared at his hands. “I brought a piece of mail from your house and stuffed it inside your shirt, so the doctors would find it when they found you in the entryway. I couldn't bring you in myself. By then, it was almost completely impossible to hold a human form at all. You were in a coma for about a week, and it that span of time, the police did a huge investigation and found out about what your foster-father was doing to you. And to your foster-sister.”

Ethan struggled to remember that part of his life, and he realized with startling clarity that he'd never found out who'd brought him to the hospital that night. Of course it wouldn't have been the man, who's only interest in him had been the government stipend check Ethan brought in for being a foster kid. He let out a pained gasp, sinking face-first into his hands and digging his fingers into his hair. “My...the girl...?”

“I do not know what happened to her, but she was taken that night from that house. He never touched her again.”

Letting out a harsh sob, Ethan stifled his relief, trembling with sudden nausea.

“And that house that would always withhold food from you, do you remember how sometimes there'd be food left on your windowsill and you thought it was one of your brothers?”

Ethan nodded again, knowing what was coming.

“That was me too. I'd steal it for you. Though that might make you angry, that I stole it. But I still don't care, because seeing you go hungry was...It was like I'd failed Lugh all over again.” He admitted softly. “I couldn't take care of Lugh, so I had to take care of you. I didn't know how to get you out of there though. They never touched you, and unless I stopped getting you food, you wouldn't show any signs of starvation. But thank goodness they eventually gave you up. And then...” Here Fen paused, an unreadable expression clouding his eyes. “I won't bring it up again, but...at the last house, when those boys...took advantage of you...You wanted to kill them, but couldn't bring yourself to do it...”

Ethan shot up like a rocket. “You didn't!” Holy shit, did Fen...kill them?

“No no, I didn't end their lives, calm down, Ethan.” Fen muttered. “Though I wanted to. I wanted to make them suffer, because by then, you were such a part of me, that I had to avenge you. I wish I could have stopped them. But...” He growled, baring his teeth minutely. “I was at Lugh's grave. He died on your birthday, and it was a week until the anniversary of his death. I was getting depressed again. So, I left you to go visit where I buried him.”

Ethan blinked himself out of his stupor. “Wait, where you buried him?”

“Yes, I took his...body from the place they took it to, and then brought him back to our Side, and buried him there. I visit every year. But when I got back, I found out what had happened and I...I took your form and did the same to those boys as they did to you.”

“Oh god, Fen, no.” Nothing could be solved by violence, and Ethan's experience, though he'd wanted revenge at the time, was not something he'd wish on anyone.

“I still remember their faces. They were so confused. I had my normal strength, and afterwards, I wiped their memories, so they wouldn't remember your face, but they'd still fear you. They left you alone while you were recovering not because they were done with you, but because they were terrified.”

Shivering with disgust, Ethan swallowed the lump in his throat. “That's horrible. Absolutely horrible.” If Ethan hadn't had so much anger and sadness already rioting inside his head, he might have felt some semblance of satisfaction to know those bastards had suffered like he had. But instead, all he felt was sick. “Ugh, I can't talk about this anymore. And I can't think about it either. ”

“Ethan...” Came Fen's soft plea, and silver eyes sought his out beseechingly. “Don't...Don't leave me. I'm begging you.”

There was so much he wanted to say. So much he wanted to get out. Scream out. Cry out. But he was done talking. His throat was sore and tired, and his chest ached with tension. And if he had to look at Fen for one more second, all the sanity he'd recovered would go flying out the window, along with his composure. All he could do was sit there. With a sad sigh, he chewed on the inside of his lower lip. “So many secrets, Fen. So many things you kept from me, that at the moment, I'm still trying process. I don't know what hurts more. The truth of what you've done, or the fact that you kept it all from me.”

Fen made a motion as if to reach for him, but then he wilted once more. {Ethan...I...am sorry. Please believe-} “I am sorry with all my heart.”

“Sometimes sorry isn't enough.” Ethan whispered, turning away. “...I can't talk about this anymore.” He finally repeated, averting his face from the other's fervent expression. “I just...Just leave me alone.” And since he couldn't end it there, he added, “-for now.”

{Ethan-}

He blocked the thought before it could finish. “No arguments. I'm not going back to your room tonight.” Their room. At least, it was. “I'm gonna stay here, and I don't know when...” When I can look at you again, he thought silently, knowing even before he looked up to see Fen's heartbroken expression.

After a moment of awkward silence, Fen slowly stood, as if his bones ached, and he nodded, avoiding meeting Ethan's gaze. “...I understand. I'll...” His voice wavered, and he whined softly. {I will leave you in peace. Please get rest, my... Ethan.} His shuffled footsteps carried him to the door, pausing only momentarily, then Fen was outside the door. Shifting as if to turn around and glance back inside at Ethan, but the door slid shut and Ethan was left alone as he wanted.

Oh god.

What happened? What...was all that?

They'd just...what? Fought? Argued?

...Broken up?

But, no...That...

Ethan didn't know what to make of it. He'd never been in a situation like this before.

...He also wasn't sure if he would be able to forget about this.

But even just thinking that had him clutching at his chest in a panic, and he quickly blanked his mind. Thank goodness he remembered how to do that.

With the blankness came a semblance of peace, and Ethan lay down on his side, curled into the blankets.

The softest of knocks drew Ethan out of his stupor and he roused himself, rubbing at his crusty eyes with the back of his hand. All at once his heart was pounding, and he feared Fen had come back. No way could he handle another bout of such intense arguing.

But it wasn't Fen who called through the wood. “Ethan? Little one? It's Asterac, is it alright if I come in?”

The knot in Ethan's gut uncoiled, and he relaxed, and the moment he did, the door opened. It was indeed Asterac beyond the threshold, and the azure Luftluetian entered cautiously.

“Are you alright, little one? That was quite an emotional show you two put on.” The other male's voice was soft and sweet, and Ethan relaxed further.

He nodded slowly, wiping at his nose with the wrist of his sleeve. It was moist with tears already.

Asterac came close to the bed, and sat down upon the edge on the mattress. “I won't pretend to understand what happened in the throne room, but I do know why you are so upset.”

Sniffling, Ethan frowned. “You do?” He asked quietly. How was that possible? Wasn't it only Ethan and Fen who'd seen the memories?

“I know because as the King's Private Secretary, I have attended all the meetings between Prince Urure and his Majesty. Because of that, I know of how Fen was inadvertently the cause of your family's deaths.”

A pang tightened Ethan's chest, and he lay back down, not able to start this up again.

“I will not dwell on the topic, but I just came to tell you, that you are more than welcome to stay in my room as long as you need to.”

Ethan tensed, staring over at Asterac with wide eyes. “This is your room?” Oh no. Ethan sat up again, and tried to untangle himself from the sheets. “Oh god, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean to mess up your bed and intrude in your room, crap, I'm sorry, really.” He rambled, tripping over himself and nearly stumbling over the edge onto the floor.

But Asterac caught him and set him back where he'd been. “Shh shh, little one. It's alright. Didn't I just say it was fine?” His hands rested on Ethan's shoulders, rubbing lightly. “I don't mind spending a couple nights on the daybed. It's comfy enough. You can stay here, recoup, and relax. I'm guessing it was quite a shock to find that out about your mate. I'm surprised he didn't tell you beforehand? How long have you two been together?”

It was hard to say. Ethan hadn't really kept track. They'd met on his birthday, January third, and it was near the end of March when they'd been caught. So, only about three months.

Wow. Three months. Only three months? Ethan felt like they'd been mates forever. But, in those three months, they'd been together every single day, with the exception of Fen's absence once they'd come to Canada. How had it been such a short span of time?

Then Ethan realized Asterac was still waiting, and he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Uh, it's been three months.”

At that, Asterac's brows flew high, and he blinked a couple times. “Really?! Goodness, I thought it was longer. The way you two look at each other, I wouldn't have guessed...” He smiled. “No matter, instead of focusing on things I know make you uncomfortable, why don't I let you go to sleep. I'll fetch you some pajamas, little one. Be back in a moment.” Asterac gave him a pat on his head, then turned and left the room, leaving Ethan in solitude once more.

How had he come to Asterac's room? All the empty places to run to in the state he'd been in, and he'd found this place. Maybe it was some sort of fate. Because he liked Asterac, and it seemed like Asterac liked him. And he hadn't seen any sort of strange memories concerning the azure Lufty. So, maybe Fen was mistaken about him? Hadn't Fen said he remembered Asterac in the Flats as a child? But Ethan hadn't seen the Secretary even once.

And Asterac was kind.

Ethan sat alone, silent, waiting for him to return. There were sounds, soft animal noises, outside the open window, and Ethan listened distantly. It sounded so much like nighttime at the cabin, at his home with-

He missed home. The familiarity, and warm of his own sheets. The way the mattress knew his body and already had a dent to fit him perfectly. He missed knowing what was going on. Each day had a routine, a lazy purpose, with no other reason to complete other than the desire to do so.

Not this insanity going on now. His life had been peaceful and quiet and...

Happy.

But...sometimes things changed. And Ethan was trying his best to deal with that change. One moment was pure romance, with Ethan's most protected emotions spilling past his lips because he thought he'd never love somebody as much as he did, and he had to scream that love out to the skies.

The next, he was laid open and raw before a stranger.

Because that what Fen was now. A stranger. Everything Ethan had known about him, however tiny that amount of knowledge had been, was either skewed or untrue. Or as always, unfinished. Nothing Fen ever did would make up for his dishonesty.

Soft knocks came at the door, and Asterac called to him. “Ethan? It's me again, may I come in?”

Ethan nodded, then answered quickly. “Uh, yeah, I'm...it's fine.”

“Good.” The door slid open and allowed the other entrance, then slid shut once more after Asterac stepped inside. His arms were holding a bundle of clothes.

Ethan frowned, looking down and picking at the sheets. “...You didn't have to knock. This is your room, after all. I feel bad...”

“It's alright, little one.” Asterac smiled, coming over to the bed and laying the clothing atop the sheets. “I promise I bear you no ill will. In fact, I welcome the company. It's very infrequent that I have someone to converse with in the late hours. And even more infrequent that it's someone as charming as you.”

Ethan stiffened momentarily at those words. A glance at the other's gracious face and comforting smile showed no ulterior meaning, though Ethan worried shortly that the other male was somehow coming on to him. But there really wasn't a trace of such a thing in Asterac's eyes. Just kindness. And Ethan let his shoulders uncoil. “Thank you. For everything. For letting me stay here. For being so...nice to me.” He averted his eyes. “I really appreciate it.”

A warm hand landed on Ethan's shoulder, and the bed dipped at his side. He glanced up to see Asterac staring back at him, eyes unreadable but a sad slant to his mouth. Then Ethan was pulled into long arms and embraced, a sound of surprise squeaking out of him as one hand cradled the back of his head and the other rubbed lightly at his back. A half-hearted protest had him weakly pushing at Asterac's chest, but he quickly gave up and fell against the larger male, his fingers clutching at thick robes and his nose buried in Asterac's thin chest. His eyes felt hot all over again, and he blinked past the tears, refusing to cry again.

Eventually, Asterac gave a sigh and pulled away, hands folding neatly into his lap. “Feel better?” He asked softly.

Rubbing at his eyes, Ethan slowly nodded.

Asterac gave him a slightly clumsy, his voice rather warm and embarrassed. “You looked like you needed a hug.”

Blushing, Ethan sighed and smiled back, as best he could. “Thanks.”

“Well, it's getting very late.” Came Asterac's voice, back to it's normal tone. “My washroom is over there,” He gestured to the doorway on the far wall. “-if you'd like to change. And here are some nightclothes for you.” He held up the top garment from the bundle and offered it to Ethan.

Ethan accepted it and held it up to inspect. It was a rather beautiful, made of some sort of shimmery fabric, with the same fur lining as all the other clothes he'd seen. And it was soft. He hadn't worn pajamas the night before, opting to just sleep in the clothes he'd worn that day. They'd been comfortable, but this looked so much more comfy.

Ethan took the garment and shifted off the bed to the floor, shuffling tiredly off to the bathroom. Once he let himself move past the fight, everything began to slow down, and he was exhausted.

In the bathroom, after the door shut behind him, he quickly stripped and redressed in the gown. It fell to his knees, and didn't have any ties in the back for wings, which made it a child's gown, like everything else he'd been wearing. Oh well, it was comfortable and that's all that mattered.

Ethan used the toilets and then washed his hands, folding his soiled laundry into a ball in his arms as he exited the bathroom. Asterac was seated at his desk, scribbling something on a sheaf of paper, his back to Ethan and his glasses set down by his hand.

Ethan looked around for a place to put his dirty clothes, and he spotted a large basket in the nearest corner, made of what looked to be woven grass, and he walked over and looked inside, seeing piles of rumpled clothes inside. Thank goodness! With relief, he dropped soiled pile inside, then brushed his hands off and turned back towards the silent male.

“Asterac?” He called softly, unsure if the other had heard him moving about. “Is it alright if I go to sleep now?”

Setting his pen down, Asterac turned in his chair and gave him a nod. “Of course. Let me turn down the sheets for you.” He offered, moving to stand.

Ethan blinked, eyes wide. “No! Goodness, no, there's no need for that.” He quickly pulled the covers back himself, and climbed back up into the bed. “I'm not an invalid, I can do it myself.” He blushed, realizing he might sound ungrateful. “I mean, it's very nice of you to offer, but I'm just...I'm not anyone special. I don't really like being treated like someone fancy. Just...” He gnawed on his lips a bit. “Treat me like a...friend.”

With that Asterac did stand, and came over to sit by him again, a tender smile on his lips. “Of course, Ethan. I wouldn't mind that at all.” Then he gave a light laugh. “I'm just used to taking care of others. It's part of my job, you know. But I'll try my best to be completely unhelpful with you.” He teased.

Ethan chuckled too, though rather weakly. He wasn't up for much laughter at the moment, instead feeling his eyes growing itchy and the lids drooping with exhaustion. He slumped backwards into the lush pillows, yawning loudly.

There was another chuckle from Asterac. “My my, you look beat. I'll let you sleep.” With a soft pat on the sheets over Ethan's knee, Asterac stood and whispered something that made the lights all dim, save for a few over near the closet. Then Ethan watched blearily as the blue Lufty crossed over and rooted around inside, pulling out a similar tunic to Ethan's nightgown. Vaguely, he wondered if Asterac was going to change right in front of him, and he found he was curious as to what the other looked like beneath his billowy robes. Not for any sexual reasons, he concluded, as he wasn't attracted to him, but because he found the Luftleutian people to be both mysterious and beautiful. He knew every plane of Fen's body, but him and Asterac were built completely differently. Whereas Fen was all long muscles and broad shoulders without being bulky, Asterac was as willowy as a reed. Enormous wings though. They looked even bigger than Fen's, though they were folded in.

Really, the more Ethan watched the other male, the more he realized how beautiful this quiet bookworm was.

Despite his unvoiced interest, he watched as Asterac gathered the clothes in his arms and took them into the bathroom. When Asterac came out again, he was changed and he also placed his dirty clothes into the hamper that Ethan has just used. Then he returned to the closet and pulled out a folded quilt and a small pillow. They were brought to the lounge chair by the desk, and laid over them.

“Asterac,” Ethan found himself calling softly before he realized his lips were moving. “You don't have to sleep over there.”

He was given a slight grin. “Nonsense, little one. I am fine here. As I said, a night on the daybed will not hurt me.”

“But...” Ethan sat up, feeling awful and ungrateful and awkward. “You can...”

“It's fine, Ethan, go to sleep. You need to rest and recover from tonight's events.”

“No.” He protested, building the courage to offer what wasn't even his. “Just...sleep here.” His cheeks grew hot with embarrassment. “We can share.”

To that, Asterac stilled, glancing at him with his brow crinkled. “...That's not necessary, Ethan.”

“No no,” Ethan protested, adamant now and feeling more confident as he rose up on his knees to get a better view. “I'm serious. This is your bed, and I'm only a guest, and I really don't feel comfortable taking your bed from you.”

“But Ethan-”

“No, I'm just not comfortable!” Ethan pleaded, fervent now for reasons he couldn't understand. “And you won't let me sleep on the daybed instead, so the only way I'll feel better is if you come share your bed with me!”

Asterac stared back at him, a strange expression on his face. “...Why are you so strong-willed about this, little one?”

Ethan shook his head, brushing off the concern. “I just, I feel bad, and I can't sleep if I feel bad, so just, please, just come and we can share. There's lots of room and I don't take up much space, you won't even know that I'm here, so-”

Giving him a shrewd look, Asterac shook his head. “No.”

His chest heaved a harsh sigh, and Ethan held back the panic. “Please! I don't want to sleep alone!”

Then he froze.

Where had that come from?

His concern was about sleeping alone? Ethan knew he was feeling sort of alone at the moment, but was he really that lonely? Couldn't even spend one night in a bed by himself? With Asterac only a few feet away? That fact in itself was entirely too depressing, and Ethan slumped back to the bed, distraught at the realization of his depression.

Slight shuffles drew his attention out of his head for a moment, and he saw Asterac wordlessly gathering his blanket and pillow, returning them to the closet, and then climbing into bed beside him.

Ethan wanted to thank him, for understanding what he'd meant, but the words wouldn't come. Nor did any come when Asterac laid down beside him and gathered him up in his arms again, softly stroking his hair like one would do to a child. It was a comfort, in more ways than one. He relaxed into that strange embrace, falling quickly into sleep.

His last thought was that he wished Fen was holding him instead, followed swiftly by a bitter tang of hatred at his own treacherous emotions.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He was in their backyard, the creak of the cabin's front door as it swung in the breeze distracting him. Weeds were everywhere, covering up the edges of their lawn and creeping up to cover up the sky. Weak sunlight streamed in, and lightning flashed in the distance, though no thunder followed.

There were big blocks of black rock, and Ethan began to stack them one by one, slowly making the wall higher and higher until he couldn't even see the top. It stretched across the yard and everything started to get dark.

Someone was sobbing, though he was alone, and it wasn't him. His eyes were closed. But he could still see.

The sobbing grew louder and there was a white mist by the wall, very close to him. He could faintly see someone in the mist, white and formless.

Growls erupted from other side of the wall, and he huddled near the mist, trying to protect it.

The wall shook as the monster on the other side slammed up against it.

It shook again, some blocks tumbling down from the top of the wall. He moved closer, lending his strength to the mist though he was very afraid himself.

Another great thud from the monster and a hole appeared in the wall. Not big enough for the monster to come through, but big enough for Ethan to see it.

A great black beast, with a hundreds of sharp teeth lining its gaping maw, and mutated lumps sticking out all over a skeletal back.

The mist's sobs grew louder and Ethan threw his arms around it, trying to keep it from dispersing into thin air.

The hole began to crumble, and Ethan saw the beast's wild red eyes target on him, a terrifying snarl echoing from its engorged belly.

Turning back to the white mist, he started to speak, finding he had no voice, and the mist formed a face with eyes opening to reveal tear-filled silver-

Ethan jerked away with a gasp, drenched in sweat and his legs twitching like he wanted to run away. He panted, rubbing at his face and searching around the room anxiously. Right. He was here, in Asterac's room, in Asterac's bed.

The other male was still sound asleep, laying on his side with his back to Ethan and his long limbs artfully laid on the sheets. Ethan was jealous at how peaceful he looked, and slipped out of bed angrily.

His legs were still weak, and he stumbled a bit, keeping quiet as he rushed to the window and gulped in great big breaths of chilly air, trying to fight the nausea rolling inside. What had he dreamed about?

Something about a wall, and a storm...

It was already leaving him, and sleep was returning. With his stomach settled, Ethan returned to the bed, crawling up near the other's back and curling into a ball as close as he could without touching.

He thought sleep would take longer to come, but he was out before he knew it.

TO BE CONTINUED

AN: Please don't review with "OHMAIGOSH PLZ UPDATE SOON!" and then not say anything else. SERIOUSLY, I do LOVE getting comments, ANY comments, but if your only desire is more, but you don't even note anything specific that you liked, then why should I believe you even like it? Bleh, if you don't want to give me a little something to work with comment-wise, then don't bother leaving a comment at all. But, if you're a dedicated Rooftop fan, and would like to let me know what you liked or didn't like, then please let me know! I love to hear from you.

But it takes me a long time to write, the best you could do in return for enjoying my stuff for free, is leave a few thought-out sentences. MUCH LOVE.

ALSO, I will NOT email you when I update. If I did that, I'd have to email hundreds of people. O__o; No thanks.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter!