Nymphaea

Chapter 20: Break down, look up

Two weeks after their mutual weekend, Stephen’s mobile phone rang. He was sitting in his office, preparing a meeting of Seya and a few European politicians. He answered the phone.

“It’s me. I wondered if we could meet tomorrow,” Ayve’s voice sounded calmly.

This was the first time Ayve had called him, Stephen mused. And the first time that Ayve wanted to meet him after so short a time. In the past there had always been at least a month between their meetings.

“Sure. I have a bit of work to do but we can meet in the evening if you like. In my apartment?”

Ayve drew in breath. “I’d actually prefer a place without your best friends next door. It makes me feel watched, to be honest,” Ayve sounded tired.

“There’s a door between our living areas…,” Stephen tried to reason.

Ayve sighed. “Yes. An unlocked kitchen door that is regular used to go from one part of the house to the other. Your living room is totally open. Please don’t be mad. I know it’s ridiculous but I… I want something just for us, a neutral place.”

Stephen gave in. “Okay. Let’s make it nine o’clock then. So I can put Lissy to bed before. I’ll organize something nice for us. I assume you’ll know where I am?” He’d always known…

“Yes. Thank you.” Ayve was very calm this time. Calmer than usual. His voice lacked the common positiveness.

“Is everything alright with you? You sound a bit downcast…”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m just a little tired and need a bit of company, that’s it,” Ayve replied languidly.

“We could meet today just as well if you want,” Stephen reacted, his heart beating faster.

“If you think you can manage that…” Ayve replied enquiringly.

Stephen’s heart leaped. “Of course I can… So: until in ten hours then.”

“Yes.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“Bye,” Ayve whispered, before he hung up.

*

Stephen had found a small hotel on the north coast of the Fourth of Firth that let rooms with a direct view of the sea, knowing that Ayve had this fondness for it. He put Lissy to bed at eight, then packed a few things and pulled off. Of course he had asked Anne to take care of Lissy the next morning in case he wasn’t back.

He arrived at a quarter to nine and ordered a few snacks. He had hoped to be the first but when he entered, Stephen saw Ayve already standing with the back to him in front of the window, staring towards the sea. The room was spacious and yet comfortable.

“How did you get in here anyways? You’re always doing this… entering without keys,” Stephen asked as he approached Ayve without a greeting. He undoubtedly had heard him enter. Had probably known when he had entered the building.

“Hardly arrived and already firing questions at me…” Ayve remarked silently as he slowly turned around. “I have spoiled you last time, right?” He managed a mocking inflection.

Stephen pulled Ayve into an embrace and rummaged wildly in his hair. The taller man melted into his arms. “I think I’ll return that favour today. You look jaded.”

He led him to the bed where Ayve gratefully lay down, eyes closed. Stephen unbuttoned Ayve’s shirt and started moving his fingertips gently over Ayve’s soft skin. Ayve yielded to his touch, breathing deeply and moving slightly under his hands. Stephen bent forward to place light kisses on Ayve’s face, let his lips just graze his skin. He felt Ayve’s hand on the back of his head in return.

“You’re such a gentle person,” Ayve whispered into his ear.

Stephen moved so he could look into Ayve’s eyes which opened for him. They were relaxed, yet melancholic. He wanted to say something but a knock at the door distracted him.

Stephen smiled at Ayve to excuse himself.

He thanked the man from the room service and dragged the trolley table into the room himself.

Ayve stifled a yawn.

Stephen smiled at the sight. “I suppose I should have known you were too tired for this,” Stephen said as he arrived at the bed. He started unbuttoning Ayve’s wristbands. “Come, get out of that.”

Ayve smiled amusedly, despite his tranquillity, as Stephen undressed him.

Stephen’s eyes rested on Ayve’s right hand as he unbuttoned the sleeve there. “New ring?”

Ayve only made a small sound of acknowledgement. This ring seemed heavier than the other, was covered with inscriptions (of an unknown language, who would have expected anything else) and bore a huge red stone, ground in an uncommon manner. The whole piece looked more detailed, more precisely worked than anything he had seen before.

“I suppose it has a meaning?” Stephen asked.

“Sure.”

Stephen mused. “It couldn’t have to do with that certain… how did you call it? That ‘bit of diplomacy’ you engaged in?”

Ayve paid him an intrigued look. “Mr Donaghy is a clever man – I need to be more careful with my hints…,” he remarked in a mocking tone before he kissed Stephen.

He dragged him down, to rest on his chest. Ayve’s eyes wandered back out of the window to the soft waves of the sea as his fingers explored the back of Stephen’s head, caressed it in soft loops. Stephen reached out and fished for a chocolate. He put it into Ayve’s mouth and helped himself to another.

“You know,” Ayve whispered when he had finished chewing, “I wish I could just get lost somewhere out there. No expectations, no duties, no rules, no people giving me strange looks, no talks about vanities… just me and the beauty and the roughness of the world outside…” He pulled Stephen even closer. “I wish I could show you…” His voice was so full, so lulling - Stephen would have gone anywhere with him.

“Why don’t you?” he asked.

Ayve smirked. “Because I have responsibilities. And they grow more and more instead of decreasing… Not to mention that I don’t think you’d be up to my ways of travelling.”

Stephen twiddled Ayve’s hair. “What do you mean?”

“Well you are human: you faint after being a minute under water, you are sensitive to extreme temperatures, rain, sun, wind, you cannot breathe properly in great heights, you cannot climb properly, you cannot run fast… I just outperform you in all physical aspects.”

Stephen reached for another chocolate. “Do you?” he asked playfully.

Ayve let his gaze drift over Stephen as he lay there on top of him, his elbows supporting his upper body. He seemed to take in every little feature of Stephen’s face, to measure his shoulders, to marvel at his hands.

“What is it?” Stephen asked irritated.

Ayve didn’t look into his eyes but at some lower point, maybe his mouth. He moved his hands over Stephen’s arms towards his shoulders and stopped them on the highest point. “We need to change something.”

Stephen cocked his head, looking at him inquiringly. “This has confused me. This between us. Sharing such intimacies. Being given such attention. I haven’t indulged into any of this in the last centuries for a reason.” Ayve spoke slowly, making up the words in his mind in the process. “And I was completely right with my judgement: being with you, being treated with such affection by you, has stirred something in me.”

Ayve looked into Stephen’s eyes. His face bore a serious expression. “I have taken to swallowing emotions so far. It’s all down here,” he put Stephen’s hand on his lower belly. “I couldn’t even tell you what I feel for you. It’s all in one huge clew somewhere down there. And I can tell you: most of the times it hurts. It’s black. Pitch black.”

Stephen stared at him in bewilderment and sympathy.

Ayve went on: “But since you’ve forced yourself onto me, things emerge. I told you about my problems with too much physical contact. That’s one such symptom.” Ayve looked down and sighed, contemplating what he wanted to say next. Then he looked up again. “Lately I’ve been confronted with some very old feelings towards a person that I just can’t allow myself to dwell in. It’s impossible.” Now it was Stephen’s turn to get strange feelings in his stomach. But Ayve ignored his icy face. “Stephen, there are two ways for me to go. I either leave you and get rid of my feelings or you help me in this.” He pinned Stephen with his stare. “I love the way you treat me. You’re such a gentle person.” Ayve’s voice had been reduced to a whisper. He stroked over Stephen’s cheek. “But I need more than that. That’s why I’ve tried to make you turn to somebody else. I didn’t think you were strong enough. If we want to keep this up, I’ll need you to support me in whatever happens. I’ll need you as confidant.”

Stephen cupped Ayve’s face with his hand. “But that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted!” he said calmly.

Ayve held him off: “But you might be unsettled by what you’ll come to know…”

It dawned on Stephen what this was about. “You fear to be rejected.”

Ayve looked at him, contemplating his diagnosis. “I suppose so.”

Stephen lowered his body, pulling Ayve into a tight embrace. “All I need to know is that you are going to stick by me, Ayve. Just say that you want us to be together. I won’t let you down.”

The distant roar of the surf was the only sound audible. Stephen lifted his head after a while. As he looked at Ayve, there was still doubt in his face, mistrust.

“What is it?”

The shady grey eyes that met his almost hurt Stephen in their intensity. “How can you move this blindfolded? How can you say you won’t care if you don’t even know what it is that you won’t care about?” Ayve demanded to know.

A penny dropped in Stephen’s mind. This was what it had been about all those years. It had never been about him being naïve, credulous. At least not in essence. This was about Ayve’s fear of being rejected. He didn’t feel he belonged anywhere, that’s what he had admitted several times. He had let drop that he had no home casually in a conversation years ago. And that he did not feel belonging to his own people when they had met the last time.

“Ayve, you need to stop this. Stop eating away at yourself! Your reason has a great flaw: if you go on like this, you will never be able to confide in anyone. And you cannot lead this existence forever! You need to work this out!” Stephen placed his hand on the spot Ayve had shown him before. “You say it hurts? Then get rid of it. Don’t torture yourself any longer, Ayve. Please, trust me!”

Ayve put his left hand on Stephen’s and seized Stephen’s wrist with the right. He didn’t look Stephen in the face. It was hard for Stephen to make out what Ayve was thinking.

“How do you feel right now?” he asked.

Ayve closed his eyes and murmured: “Sick. Sick to the point of vomiting.” He turned his head to the side so as if not to be seen.

“Maybe you should do that. Maybe it helps,” Stephen suggested.

Ayve shook his head. “Don’t think I haven’t tried. I can’t. I cannot puke, I cannot cry. I just cannot get it out.”

Stephen wiped a strand of his hair out of Ayve’s face. He embraced him again, being at a loss for words. This time his embrace was returned. Ayve pulled him as close as possible. “Stephen, I need you!” he whispered, defeated.

A warm feeling flooded Stephen’s body despite the pain in his lover’s words. He had finally made it. He had never been so close to Ayve.

They turned to the side and Ayve nestled to Stephen’s chest, easing under Stephen’s soft caresses. After a while he went to the bathroom to take a shower.

When he came back, he had regained his composure and sat down on the side of the bed to help himself to a few more chocolates.

“You needn’t act for me,” Stephen felt urged to remark when Ayve handed a chocolate to him.

“I don’t,“ Ayve assured him. He grazed Stephen’s cheek with the back of his fingers and lay down beside him, pulling the cover over them, nestling to Stephen once more.

*

Stephen awoke the next morning to a cool breeze that swept over his body and the loud croak of a seagull. As he slowly opened his eyes, the bed beside him was empty. But he heard noises out of the bathroom. He rubbed his eyes to be able to see the pointers of his watch properly. Ten past six. Had he ever awoken to find Ayve sleeping soundly next to him (without having to rouse him from an unpleasant dream that Ayve would not talk about)?

Stephen freed himself from the rest of the blanket that was twisted around his lower body and went past the open window to the bathroom door. It wasn’t shut. He entered, not to join Ayve under the shower but to brush his teeth as he carried an unpleasant aftertaste from the chocolates in his mouth.

Ayve came up behind him, a towel wrapped around his lower body, just as Stephen had washed out his mouth and was drying it with a towel, checking himself in the mirror. Ayve snuggled up to him from behind and rested his head on Stephen’s shoulder to look at him in the mirror as well.

He traced the round line of Stephen’s chin and the soft curves of his lips, watching his movements in the mirror with an affection Stephen remembered having seen in his face before without realising its depth until now. Ayve’s gaze wavered, his eyes closed at intervals to enjoy the moment just to fly open again to take in Stephen’s picture again. Stephen pressed closer against the taller, gracile man behind him.

When Stephen looked at his own reflection, he did not find it particularly fancy. It was… okay. But he didn’t consider himself a beautiful man. He thought he was the average man with a few flaws who would be good enough to find the average woman and lead a nice average life. And yet here he stood. With this perfect, silken face beside him, those bright, deep grey eyes staring right into the blue eyes of his own reflection in admiration. He couldn’t describe his feelings. Despite everything that loomed in Ayve’s past, this was the closest to blessedness he had ever been. He’d try anything to make this last. To help Ayve.

Stephen turned around and put his hands on Ayve’s chest to feel his warm skin. “So… What do you want to do now? You said you wanted me to be your confidant: how do you want to put that into action?” he asked, curious.

Ayve’s hands caressed Stephen’s upper arms and Ayve’s eyes were observing the movement. “I don’t know,” he said softly. “I wish I could show you a few things first. Introduce you to the culture I grew up in. Give you a feeling for my view on the world… and there is something else I need to show you rather than just telling you about it… only that would necessitate a longer journey and you have commitments…” Ayve gave himself over to caressing Stephen’s face with his gaze.

“I don’t need my job,” Stephen interjected.

“And your daughter?” Stephen nodded silently.

“Let’s go and have breakfast. I have a bit time left before I need to go to work.”

*

They dressed, Stephen packed his small bag and then they decided it was best to head back to Edinburgh as the hotel didn’t offer breakfast this early. In the town they found a little sit-in that had just opened.

Stephen had spent some thoughts on the matter on their drive. “Would that journey be dangerous?” he wanted to know.

“Not exactly dangerous, no. You never need to worry as long as you’re with me. But it would be exhausting, physically demanding for you. The climate itself as well as the hiking we would have to do. Climbing would be a better suiting word in some places. My people are hiding well. It’s hard for human feet to tread on the places they are living in,” Ayve explained calmly.

“It wouldn’t be sensible bringing a child, right?” Stephen asked.

Ayve nodded in comprehension. “I thought you would want that.” He contemplated the matter. “Lissy is a tiny girl. I could carry her – anything else would just keep us. But the question is whether she is capable of dealing with the heat in places, the lack of sanitary facilities, eating unknown food, sleeping outside in the wilderness, travelling for hours and hours…”

“If I quitted my job and took her out of school for a year would you have the time and patience for us to lead us there and back?” Stephen questioned.

Ayve smiled. “Of course. But that would be a quite big step. Are you sure you trust me that much and won’t find me unbearable at some point?”

–“Stop that, Ayve. We’ve talked about that. Of course I cannot foresee what is going to happen but I do trust that you are a decent person. Am I wrong there?”

Ayve shook his head slightly, eyes fixed on the coffee in front of him. “Of course not.”

“What about illnesses?” Stephen wanted to discuss all eventualities before he made his decision.

“I would advice you to get the usual inoculations for Asia but apart from that: there really is nothing you need to worry about as long as you’re with me. I’ll take care of your physical needs, no matter if that’s thirst, hunger, protection, weariness or healing.”

Stephen took a deep breath. “When?”

Ayve rubbed his nose, thinking. “I need to contact my sister first. I need to spend some time alone with you after we’ve arrived and Lissy will need some company in the meantime. I suppose it’s better for the both of you if we have a clear arrival point and people who await us on the trip. Even if they don’t understand a word you’re saying.”

“Won’t they have reservations? I mean, because we are human…?” Stephen worried.

Ayve shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. They wouldn’t fear two humans. You are too weak for that. And many of them – most of them – do not have memories of what has happened. They haven’t seen. Some have been away and are only alive because of that – they have lost beloved ones of course, but they still don’t realise the cruelty of the act to its full extend – and some have not even been born. Mankind is a threat, yes, but a very abstract one to them. They would never go anywhere near a human out of their own impulse but I think they will be curious about you if I introduce you. Especially with a child. Children are rare in our communities because of our long lives. They always catch attention.” After a moment he added: “We live in small travelling groups that meet up every now and again so you would only meet about a dozen of them.”

That prospect thrilled Stephen. Meeting more of them, seeing how they lived.

“I suppose you will have to work a few weeks more after you have resigned from your job anyway so there will be enough time for the other preparations, including talking with Lissy about what the journey is going to be like,” Ayve went on. “Maybe you find a way of preparing her practically.”

“You couldn’t teach us your language, could you?” Stephen asked.

Ayve shook his head amusedly. “No. I will probably show you a few acoustic signals that we use to communicate when we’re out of eye’s sight but the conversational language is too complex to be learned in a few weeks’ time. And I doubt I’d have the patience even if it was possible.”

Stephen took a last sip of his coffee. He did not have much time left. “I have to go now. Will we meet this evening?”

Ayve negated. “I’d like to arrange things first. I’ll meet you when I’m done with that.”


End of Part III