Shawn's Voice

Shawn’s Childhood

XxX XxX XxX 7 years old XxX XxX XxX

“See Santa,” Ryan stood at the mall-Santa’s knee and pointed out to the edge of the crowd where his mom stood, Shawn tucking himself behind her. “That’s my best friend Shawn. He didn’t wanna talk to you. But that’s ‘cause he doesn’t like to talk to anyone ‘cept me...and sometimes mom and dad and Miss Baker, she’s our teacher this year... Anyways, what he’d really like is his mom back. But she’s in heaven, and I don’t think even Santa can bring her back from there.”

The Santa was slow to catch up to the conversation. Once he did, he looked utterly uncomfortable as he nodded his agreement, “That’s right.”

“So anyways,” Ryan continued candidly, “What you can do instead is make it so Shawn lives with us for keeps. He’s over a lot anyways, but sometimes he has to go to his real home, and anyways I don’t think his dad takes real good care of him and I can’t take care of him there, cause I’m not allowed to sleep over at his house more than one night.” Ryan took a breath, “So yeah, Shawn for keeps, that what I want for Christmas.”

The moment Shawn went home that Christmas was the moment Ryan stopped believing in Santa.

XxX XxX XxX 8 years old XxX XxX XxX

Shawn showed up to the Hannah’s house the Sunday before Christmas. Ryan had invited him over to help wrap presents.

When he knocked at the door, Rachel Hannah answered the door - a red and white striped apron fitted over her black jeans and sweater.

“Hello, Shawn.” She greeted him with a warm smile, “I’m afraid Ryan went on an errand with his father this morning, and they aren’t back yet.”

Shawn flushed and rocked back on his heels, unsure of what to do. “ ‘Kay.”

“I’m just making cookies, why don’t you come in and help me? I’m sure Ryan will be back any moment.”

Shawn stood in the doorway, wringing his hands.

“Come on,” She cajole kindly, stepping out of the way, “I could really use the help.”

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

Half an hour later, Shawn watched with interest as Mrs. Hannah took the first batch of cookies out of the oven. The cookies looked good. Perfect little snowmen with bright red hats and black tiny eyes. And Shawn had helped make them – he had poured sugar and stirred the dough, and rolled the dough in small balls.

“Thank you.” Shawn whispered softly.

Mrs. Hannah touched his blond locks softly. “You’re welcome, Shawn. That’s what moms are for.”

Shawn keened softly and threw himself against her, thin arms wrapping around her waist.

Instinctively, her arms came up to hold him.

“What are you guys doin’?” Ryan’s accusing voice filled the room. He stood in the doorway, coat still on, several packages in his arms. His dark eyes were trained on their embrace.

Shawn sprang back, blushing.

Ryan’s mother turned and circumspectly brushed the cuff of her sleeve over her eyes. “We were just making some cookies, Ryan. How was your trip with daddy?”

Looking at his mother suspiciously, Ryan walked over and caught Shawn’s wrist in his hand. “Come on, Shawn, let’s go to my room. I’ll show you what I bought.”

XxX XxX XxX 9 years old XxX XxX XxX

“Blondie, you okay?”

Shawn scrunched his nose, glaring into the darkness. He wasn’t fond of the nickname Ryan had given him that year, not that Ryan seemed to care. Actually, he seemed to relish the fact it got under Shawn’s skin.

“M’fine.” Shawn answered shortly, anything but. It was storming outside – a blizzard that had come up from the states. The power had gone out several hours ago and it was cold and pitch black inside. Outside, he could hear the wind howling and the sound of tree branches creaking, heavy with ice. His dad had sent him to the Hannah’s because it was Christmas Eve and because they had a working fireplace for heat in case the power didn’t come back until morning.

“Why aren’t you sleeping then?” Ryan challenged. He rolled over in his bed to peer over the edge, trying to make out Shawn’s figure in the sleeping bag on the floor.

“What if...” Shawn shifted nervously, looking up towards the window. “Tree falls?”

“I don’t think the trees are going to fall.” Ryan grabbed his flashlight and slid out of bed. He padded to the window and looked out. The blowing snow made it almost impossible to see anything. He turned back into the room, and pointed the light towards Shawn. “Why don’t you sleep in the bed? Might be safer.”

Shawn hesitated, his pale hair glowing in the soft beam of light.

“You take the inside, away from the window. Go on.” Ryan instructed him.

Shawn carefully climbed into the bed and pressed himself against the wall. Ryan turned off the flashlight but kept it in his hand, getting into the bed after Shawn and pulling the covers up.

“Good-night, Blondie.”

The bed was warm, Ryan’s presence familiar and safe. Comforted, Shawn soon fell asleep.

Ryan stayed awake, standing guard.

It set a pattern for all the sleepovers to come.

XxX XxX XxX 10 years old XxX XxX XxX

“C’mon, Shawn. I borrowed my cousin Cecil’s skates for you and everything.”

Shawn stubbornly shook his head, sitting on a rickety wood bench at the edge of the ice rink. Some of the neighbourhood fathers had fashioned the small outdoor rink on the playground field.

Ryan had sat Shawn down on the bench and then knelt in the snow to tie up the blond boy’s skates tightly before putting on his own. He was now effortlessly propelling himself around the ice. He skated back over to Shawn, stopping with a dramatic spray of ice, showing off.

Black eyes stared down at him, demandingly, “C’mon.”

Shawn shook his head again, leaving blond hair falling over his forehead.

“Why not?” Ryan demanded.

Shawn’s features screwed up a little and then he shrugged.

“Shawn...”

“I’ll... fall.” Shawn finally forced himself to answer, words pushed out at a snail's pace, breath visible in the cold winter air.

Ryan reached out and grabbed the other boy’s wrists, pulling him up off the bench. He changed his grip, grabbing Shawn’s elbows to steady him when he wobbled on the skates. “Don’t be stupid. I’d never let you fall.”

XxX XxX XxX 11 years old XxX XxX XxX

“Sorry, Shawn! I didn’t mean to! Sorry!” Felix Mirasty apologized profusely. Too profusely, considering his only fault was grazing Shawn with a snowball in the middle of the frenzied class-wide snowball fight.

Shawn just smiled shyly and shrugged, brushing his sleeve off. Felix was actually the first one to hit him, which was incredible considering how many boys were throwing snow around.

Felix was backing off, with a wild look in his rapidly-scanning eyes. “I...it was an accident. Just make sure he knows that, okay?” Felix ran off towards to the school. Shawn stared after him, bewildered. What in the world...?

Felix’s strange behaviour was soon forgotten as Ryan jogged over, cheeks rosy from the cold, eyes sharp. “Are you okay, Blondie? That snowball hit you? Damn it! I told –”

Shawn furrowed his brow a little, wondering what had made Ryan so upset he was sputtering. He didn’t like to see Ryan upset. He scooped up a handful of soft-packed snow and lobbed it - hitting the dark haired boy right in the face.

The distraction proved effective and soon Shawn found himself under a shower of loose snowflakes. Ryan grinned, wiping snow off his cheeks, all the while keeping his body angled between Shawn and the hail of snowballs on the field behind them.

XxX XxX XxX 12 years old XxX XxX XxX

Her name was Kelsey Nichols and Ryan had started going out with her about three weeks ago. She sat between them on the couch in Ryan’s basement and the back of her hand was positioned awkwardly on the couch near the Ryan’s leg but not touching it.

It was Christmas Eve and they were watching a rerun of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Shawn felt extremely uncomfortable. Kelsey was Ryan’s first girlfriend, it made him feel like third wheel. He wanted to be a good friend, and he knew he should be happy for Ryan. After all, guys their age were supposed to want to go on dates with girls. Shawn didn’t, per say, but he chalked that up to fact he wasn’t normal - having no desire to date sort of fit his abnormal-ness.

Kelsey turned her hand around and, with exaggerated casualness, she slid her hand into Ryan’s. Shawn cheeks flushed. Oh, God, no way did they want him around right now, Shawn’s pulse sped up, he was such an idiot.

Any normal person would leave them alone. He jumped off the couch.

Ryan immediately looked over at him, “Shawn?”

“I...” Shawn wrung his hands lightly.

Ryan stood up too, wiping his hand off on his jeans, all his attention focused on Shawn. “What’s wrong?”

Kelsey looked at him; did that twist of her lips mean she was annoyed? Or curious? Or angry? Shawn had never been able to read people.

“Shawn?” Ryan prompted.

“I...go.” Shawn forced the words out at a whisper, trying to force a smile as he waved his hand between them. Then he fled up the stairs.

He heard Ryan call his name, but didn’t stop.

As he paused to get his boots on at the back door he heard, “Let him go, Ry. He said he wanted to...”

20 minutes later, Shawn was safe in his room, going over the events of that evening, wondering what if anything he had done wrong. His computer pinged, signalling there was a message. He walked over. Ryan was on messenger.

Rydawg: whyd u run off?

Blondie09s: I wanted to give you and Kelsey some space. (Ryan had set up the account for him and picked the screen name)

Rydawg: dont be dumb. its xmas eve. get back here.

Blondie09s: Don’t you and Kelsey want to be alone? You know...

Rydawg: no i dont know, dude. besides K had 2 go home. her dad called. so COME BACK.

Shawn went back and he and Ryan spent the night watching horrible Christmas movies and eating snowmen cookies and falling asleep on the couch.

Shawn never noticed the dirty looks Kelsey bore into the back of his head all through the rest of 7th grade.

XxX XxX XxX 13 years old XxX XxX XxX

The winter of eighth grade, Shawn caught the flu.

He spent the week leading up the Christmas stumbling between the bed and the bathroom and back again.

Four o’clock on Christmas Eve, he heard the door bell ring. And then a knock at the door. And another. And another. Finally, he heard his dad answer the door.

A minute later, the door to his room pushed open and Ryan’s head peeked in.

Shawn stared at him, watering eyes and red nose. Miserably, he pulled the covers up higher as if to hide.

“Still sick?” Ryan asked, sounding put-out. He let himself into the room and walked to Shawn’s bedside.

Shawn pulled the covers up even higher.

“You’re still coming over tomorrow for Christmas tomorrow, right?”

“Nnn.” Shawn made noise of refusal.

Ryan jaw flexed stubbornly, he grabbed the blankets and pulled them down from Shawn’s face. “You have to be there.”

Shawn looked over at him, making eye-contact for the first time since Ryan had burst into the room. He gestured at himself and then at Ryan.

“You think you’re going to make me sick?”

Shawn nodded.

“I won’t get sick.” Ryan grouched and pressed, “Now say you’ll come.”

Ryan spent the week following Christmas stumbling between the bed and the bathroom and back again.

XxX XxX XxX 14 years old XxX XxX XxX

The winter they were 14, Shawn spent the week before Christmas at his aunt’s.

An aunt he hadn’t seen since his mother’s funeral (though he had no memory of her there). She had divorced this year, and apparently that made her lonely/pathetic enough to want to bond with her dead sister’s semi-orphaned son. Shawn’s dad had thought it a great idea. Big surprise there. They never celebrated Christmas at their house, so why not send Shawn off?

Of course, they did celebrate Christmas at Ryan’s house and this was the first time since kindergarten that Shawn hadn’t joined the Hannahs for Christmas.

The worst part was that the few times he and Ryan were not togheter (usually when they were in their respective homes, supposed to the sleeping), they relied on technology to keep in touch, sending messages back and forth over their computers. His aunt didn’t even have a computer so he couldn’t get on messenger to talk to Ryan.

It had only been a few days, but... Shawn missed him. It was Christmas...He eyed the phone in his aunt’s kitchen, considering it even though his throat closed up tight just being near a phone.

He managed to hold out a few more hours but later that night, after his aunt went to asleep, he broke. He regretted it the moment the phone started to ring on the other end. What had he been thinking?! He couldn’t talk over the phone, what if someone picked up?

Then someone did pick up. Ryan’s deepening, familiar voice answered, “Hello?”

Shawn considered just hanging up.

“Hello?” Ryan repeated a little louder.

Shawn bit his lip with frustration.

“Hello?” Ryan said again, and then, a little more cautiously, “Shawn?”

Shawn nodded, knowing there was no way Ryan would be able to see. “Mm...” it was the only sound he could manage to make. He could almost feel Ryan relaxing on the other end.

“How are you doing, Blondie?”

Shawn’s aunt keep the phone in the kitchen, so Shawn sat down in the corner by the pantry, bringing his knees to his chest. He made a non-committal sound in his throat. He heard the rustle of cloth and pictured Ryan lying back on his bed with his cell phone cradled to his ear.

“I’m glad you called...” Ryan said softly.

They sat on the phone in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Shawn ran his finger over the mouth of the phone, the sound letting Ryan know he was still there.

Shawn pitched his next noise questioningly. And Ryan was familiar enough with his different tones to know what he wanted. He started up a one-sided conversation, “My Christmas? My family has been asking about you. Cousin Cecil showed up this morning, and...”

Shawn closed his eyes contently, leaning back against the kitchen cabinets and listening to Ryan’s voice.

When Ryan finally ran out of things to say nearly an hour had passed. He fell silent, then questioned softly, “Shawn?”

“Mm?” Shawn responded readily.

“When do you get home?”

Shawn grunted softly.

“Before Christmas?”

Non-committal ‘nnnn’.

“After Christmas?”

Shawn repeated the sound.

“Fuck!”

Shawn fumbled the phone, eyes widening at the anger in Ryan’s tone.

“Sorry,” Ryan grumbled, “It’s just, you should be here.”

Shawn had nothing to say to that, even if he could have.

“I guess I better go.”

Shawn was silent.

“I miss you. Merry Christmas.”

Merry Christmas, Shawn willed.

The phone clicked in response and Shawn stayed up to listen to the dial tone.

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

When Shawn’s aunt drove him home on Boxing Day, Ryan was waiting for him outside the house. Shawn dropped his stuff off right inside the front door and then trailed Ryan back to the dark-haired boy’s house.

They played video games and ate turkey dinner leftovers up in Ryan’s room. After a particularly intense game in which Shawn’s warriors had been decimated by Ryan’s in a long, drawn-out battle, Shawn leaned back against the bed, letting his eyes drift closed.

They sat in silence for a few minutes then Shawn felt a soft weight on his thigh. He opened his eyes and looked down to see a cell phone balanced on his leg. Startled, he looked over at Ryan.

“Merry Christmas.”

The blond furrowed his brow. They had already exchanged gifts and he didn’t know what was going on now.

“Take it.” Ryan coaxed.

Shawn hesitated before picking it up and looking it over. A cell phone?! God, how much would that have cost Ryan? Too much. It was too much. With a reluctant whimper, Shawn tried to pass the phone back to him.

Ryan took it and flipped the thin silver cell open. “Look you can text on it.” He showed Shawn. “I programmed my number in.” Ryan showed him that, too.

Ryan tried to hand it back, Shawn shook his head vigorously. It was too much.

“Take it, Blondie. So you can reach me, when I’m not on my computer.”

Shawn reached out and tentatively took it. He opened it up and fiddled for a minute, figuring out the functions. Momentarily, Ryan’s cell phone buzzed in his pocket. He grinned lightly, pulling it from his pocket and opening the message.

Thanks.

He reached out and ruffled Shawn’s hair. “You’re welcome.”