Love, Lose, Live

Angst. Yes I mean angst. Character past is revealed a bit more and the issues are shown at least a little. Yay angst.

The microwave bings, and I pull the hot chocolate out. The smell reaches my nose and I sigh but the sip I take fails to give me the feeling of comfort it normally does. Brian and I argued about my self-loathing. I claimed I was fine but he sees right through my front every time. I hurt. Badly. The remarks my mother and the sight of my father opened more of my scars than I initially let on. But my boy knows me and saw it. My eyes stare down at my feet and I feel like I may crumble. I thought I was fine. I thought everything was better. How does my father still have this much control over me? The ripples in my hot chocolate surprise me out of my thoughts and I realize that tears are falling from eyes. Over what? Over everything, anything bad that has ever happened to me. I feel the self-pity start and I force it away. I brought it all on myself. It’s always my fault; that’s what Father taught me. I set the hot chocolate down, no longer enticed by its aroma. I place my hands on the edge of the counter and try to stop thinking. I was beginning to feel like I did years ago, and I have the scars to prove those feelings are never good. So caught up in my head, I didn’t know Brian was in the kitchen until his arms came around my waist and I jerked. He rests his head on my shoulder and just holds me. With my arms braced against the counter, I try to be strong and fix the cracks my walls. “Just let it go baby” Brian whispers in my ear. I struggle against the idea and try to force the tears to stay behind my lids. Failing to listen, they slide down my face and the sobs that I hated to hear begin to escape my throat. I hold back as hard as I can, clamping down on my emotions.
“I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to feel at all.” I whisper.
“You can’t pretend like the feeling isn’t there. Let yourself feel this. Feel the pity, feel the fear, even feel the self-hate. Just feel it. Stop struggling and let it go baby.” The cracks in my walls finally cause it all to crumble and the clamp on my emotions breaks. I cry and cry out. I shake and fall to the floor. Through all of it, Brian holds me. He stays with me even when I fall apart.
“What did I do to deserve what happened? What did I do? I don’t understand.” I mumble out between sobs and cracks.
“You didn’t do anything. It’s not your fault. You did not deserve anything that happened to you. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” Brian tells me while I cry. After some time, I finally calm down so that I am now only crying a little and the sobs have stopped. The breaks in my breathing have started and I think I may have the hiccups. Brian helps me stand but my legs wobble a bit and he leads me to a kitchen chair. I sit down and look at my hands. They shake and I can’t stop them so I clench them together in my lap. I hear Brian moving about the kitchen but I don’t look up at him. Instead I look at the ring I wear that he gave me a few years ago. It’s nothing flashy. Just a platinum band with small wings etched across the surface but it’s perfect. It represents exactly what he is to me: my guardian angel. I know I would be dead by now if not for him. My discarded cup of hot chocolate is held out to me. “I warmed it up for you.” I take the cup but set it aside. I stand and just hug him. I feel his heart beat and the strength in his arms as they wrap around my body that still has tremors running through it. I feel something hit my head. I look at Brian and see he is crying.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” I ask in a voice that still sounds like gravel in a grinder.
“I just hate to see you hurting so bad. I hate even more that I brought it on.”
“You didn’t. You save me from my pain not cause it. Because of you, I can live.” I state holding his precious face in my hands. “I love you with everything I am. I need you to help me not succumb to the dark I live with. Please don’t cry.”
“When you say things like that it’s hard not to.” A smile manages to lift the corners of both our mouths. “I love you too Lucas. With everything I am and everything I ever will be.”
“Now you’re just showing off.” I get a laugh with that one. “I’m not going to lie, I’m still hurting and am still upset but thank you for making it a lot less intense.”
“Anytime baby. You hot chocolate is cold again. Let me warm it up for you. Go pick a movie.” Brian pecks me on the cheek and shoos me from the room.
“Ok. Love you and thank you again.”
“Uh huh. Movie. Go.”
“Alright alright. I’m going.” Life is hard but having somebody to love who loves you just as much makes it a lot easier to face.