The Ultimate Loss

Taki knelt silently at his lovers grave, touching his name on the cold, smooth stone before he sat back again, looking down at the teddy bear he held in his arms. “Do you remember this?” His voice was low, barely a whisper as his finger moved carefully over the smooth, soft fabric of the child’s toy. “This… this bear, it’s the first thing I bought what I found out you were pregnant.” He elaborated, taking a deep breath to stop the tears that were bound to fall eventually. It had only been three months since Kiyoshi had died, three months, four days, 6 hours… Komi was trying to make him stop counting but it seemed every second, every minute that passed and he didn’t have Kiyoshi, he lost a little bit more of himself.

“It was supposed to be for our baby, a… a toy it could cuddle and sleep with… so it never felt alone.” He whispered, his hands shaking as he held the tiny teddy bear. It was made for a baby, something big enough it could lay against if it wanted too but not so big it couldn’t cuddle it if it felt like it. The bear just looked too tiny in his hand, like he would break it if he ever squeezed it. “Why did you have to die?” He suddenly asked, the tears he had been fighting so hard to hold back spilled down his cheeks unchecked. “Why did you have to leave me here alone? I love you so much! Wasn’t that enough?!” His chest was rising and falling rapidly, his body shaking as he pressed his hands against the cold surface of the marker. “Why couldn’t it be enough to save you?”

Taki’s head jerked up when he heard someone calling his name, a soft noise coming from his throat as he rubbed his eyes. “Ahhh, over here.” He called back, picking up the teddy bear he had dropped and holding it securely in his arms once again. Even if the little toy was a painful reminder, he wouldn’t get rid of it, just like he wouldn’t change the sheets. He didn’t sleep on that bed anymore… he rarely slept at all actually. Kiyoshi’s smell was fading and he was losing more and more of himself each day it did. He didn’t know how he’d be able to handle it when the scent was totally gone… it would be like he’d lost everything from his partner. He didn’t know if he’d be able to handle it.

“I should have known you’d be here.” Komi murmured softly, sighing as he looked down at the other man. He was standing back a few steps, knowing it would only make Taki more protective the closer he got to the grave. Even if Kiyoshi was dead, Taki protected him just like he did when he was alive. “It’s getting cold out; you really should get inside before…” He trailed off, looking to the side with a sigh. Every time he warned Taki that he might get sick, all the man said was ‘Wouldn’t that be right? I should have been the one to get sick, not him.’. “Ummm…” He looked up, humming in relief when he saw the sky was gray. “You should get inside before it rains; you know you don’t like getting wet.”

Taki looked up also, the teddy bear held against his chest as he watched the gray storm clouds drift across the sky. “I guess your right.” He murmured, the dead look that had been taking over the blue eyes making the normally bright color dull. “Wouldn’t want to get wet…” He looked back at the grave, his hand reaching out to touch the name engraved in it one more time. “Give me just a couple more minutes with him… I’ll be in after that.”

Komi nodded at that, bowing slightly in respect to the grave before he turned around, walking away again. “Ten more minutes before it rains.” He said as he was walking away, making his way carefully through the private cemetery. They had made sure to bury Kiyoshi close… this way Taki would never have to go far to see him and if Taki every disappeared, they never had to go far to find him.

Taki just watched him go, feeling his chest clench again when his eyes caught sight of the gleaming head stone. “I promise I’ll come back, Kiyo.” He murmured, leaning forward to press a kiss against the immaculate stone. He was there every day, for hours a day just talking to his lover’s head stone. He felt like there was so much they had never gotten to talk about and he was trying to make up for it now. He wanted… needed to think that Kiyoshi could hear him, wherever he was, he could hear him. “I love you.” He whispered after long moments of silence, only leaving the grave when he felt the first drops of rain.

He didn’t notice the fog around his feet, or the way it slowly swirled to reveal the ghostly apparition of a pale, white haired spirit. But the ghost noticed him, his finger tips just barely slipping over the other mans back before he faded into the shadows again. Taki shivered at the feeling, looking around with wide eyes before he looked down at the teddy bear still in his arms. “Now I’m imagining things, teddy.” He whispered before he made his way back to the temple. He couldn’t deny he felt more at… peace thought. It was like a little part of his breaking heart was stopped.

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The feeling of peace didn’t last long, by the time another month passed, Taki felt like he couldn’t despair anymore, like he couldn’t feel anymore sorrow or he would just disappear. He visited Kiyoshi’s grave, his entire body trembling as he sobbed, telling his lover it would be ok soon, they would be together soon. He felt like he was being held there when he tried to leave but he ignored it, just walking back to the temple and going to the bed where his lover had last laid. His scent was gone… the smell faded away to nothing. The scent was gone, he would be gone too.

Taki had made his decision.

The black haired man slowly made his way to the bathroom, taking one of his favorite, sharpest blades with him. He slipped into the bath tub, just sitting there for a few moments before he brought the knife to his left wrist. “I’ll be there with you soon Kiyo.” He jumped when the wind suddenly blew hard outside, almost sounding like a scream, a desperate scream. He just shook his head, ignoring it as he focused on what he was doing. He winced when he pulled the blade down his wrist, his hand clenching a bit as he pushed the sharp knife deep, watching the dark, red blood well up and fall down his arm. He just watched it for a few moments before moving the knife to the other hand, bringing it up to his wrist.

That was how Komi found him; his hand poised the thrust the knife into his uncut wrist. He acted before he thought, running forward and throwing himself on top of Taki. He grabbed the blade out of his hand, throwing it across the room without a second thought. He didn’t care that he had cut his own hand; all he cared about was stopping Taki’s bleeding before he really did kill himself. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” He yelled his other hand clamping over Taki’s bleeding wrist and glowing as he started to heal him. “Were you trying to kill yourself?! How fucking stupid can you be?!” The hand not healing Taki slapped the black haired man hard across the face, creating a red mark on the pale surface. He was trembling from anger and worry, his mind not having caught up quite yet with what was going on.

Taki was shocked at first, the sudden arrival of the other man stopping all of his thought processes for a few moments. He went from shocked to angry in a split second when the already bloody blade was taken from him, his hands pushing against Komi as he thrashed under him. “Get off me! I have to do this!” He was yelling just as loud as Komi, it was surprising they hadn’t caught the attention of anyone else in the temple because of it. He whined when Komi exerted the strength he rarely showed, holding him still as he healed the self inflicted wound on his wrist. “Stop it Komi… I have to do this, I promised Kiyoshi I would be with him!”

“God, you are a fucking dumbass!” Komi yelled back at him, shaking him harshly once he finished healing his wrist. “You did this for Kiyoshi? You really think this is what Kiyoshi would want?!” His voice was starting to catch in his throat, his heart clenching in his chest. Damnit! He had lost Kiyoshi too and now he was supposed to be fine with losing Taki too? No, he wasn’t fine with it! “You are so stupid! Kiyoshi loved you; he would never want you to do this! God damnit, he still loves you, wherever he is, he still fucking loves you and you’re throwing your life away? Kiyoshi wouldn’t want this! He would want you too live; he would want you to be happy! He would never want you to kill yourself just to be with him!”

Taki watched him, tears welling up in his eyes again as each word the healer said hit home, making his chest clench and his heart ache even more. “But… but I can’t…” He whispered, his eyes welling up with tears again as he shuddered softly. “I… I lost everything Komi… I need to be with him, I HAVE to be with him.” He tried to move again, his hands trying to push his body off of his lap. “Let me do this Komi! I need to be with Kiyoshi!”

Komi’s body stilled, his hands softening their hold on Taki. “But… you didn’t.” He whispered, leaning forward and touching the other mans face. “Kiyoshi… he wouldn’t want you to die because of this…” He murmured, leaning forward a bit. “You didn’t lose everything…”

“Yes I did!” Taki cried out, crying again as he pushed at Komi on his lap. “I lost Kiyoshi! I lost my baby!” He opened his mouth to cry out again but his words were suddenly cut off, the foreign sensation of being… kissed. He sat there frozen as Komi kissed him, tenderly touching him before he pulled back.

Komi just looked down at him, his eyes cloudy with an indescribable mix of emotions, before he spoke. “Taki… you didn’t lose everything.” He whispered, his hands’ cupping the other mans cheeks. “You still have me.”

Then they were kissing again, their bodies pressed together as they shared their emotions through the single, needy embrace. Neither of them knew it yet but their lives were forever changed in that moment. Their lives were altered with one, single…

Kiss.

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AN: So, this was supposed to be a oneshot but… it not. *giggles* yes, we’re still in the angst part of the story but it will get better, I promise, they will all be happy eventually.

If you read this, I would very much love reviews on it because right now, THIS is the story I want to write and I’m going to write for myself.

Anyway, all the characters are Nat’s, she was nice enough to let me play with them *wiggles* actually pretty excited for me to write.

Hmmm, well, other then that, nothing to really tell. Just READ the warnings.

Thank you for reading and don’t forget to feed me!

The thumbnail was found on creative commons on Flikr and can be found http://www.flickr.com/photos/brianatwebbmoto/376457478/