I'll Kill You If You Call Me Alice

“Ali? Ali, wake up. Alice Matthias Montgomery, wake up this instance or I will be forced to only serve you flowers again!” This was my charming, elegant grandmother. And yes, she did say again.



“Gran, please? It's early!” I whined. But I knew she wouldn't let me sleep in. It was Saturday, and every Saturday was gathering day.



“Get up Ali, it's mushroom day. And just look, it's the perfect weather! Overcast and slightly chilly!” She whirled around, her wispy gray hair twirling out of it's loose bun. Her icy blue cat eyes met my own. I got up, grabbing some black jeans and a (mostly) clean shirt.



Mushroom day was always my favorite. Me and Gran got to go out into the damp leaves on the forest floor, snuffling for tasty wood mushrooms and the unnamed wild mushrooms that grew in the there. We would end the day by the tree, Gran would tell me a story of Wonderland and I would dose in the branches with Darla, my tabby.



“Ali, stop day-dreaming, grab a basket and let's set out!”







“I had come to expect that all the men and women, aside from the dreadfully monochromatic hatter, were animals. And so, when I saw the queen I was startled. She was pretty, more so than I would have cared to imagine. Her hair was black and long, and her mouth was full and red, but her eye's were cold and unforgiving. It made her beauty less appealing.” she was suddenly cut off.



“Ali, what's the day today?”



“First Saturday of Fall, why?” When she asked the day, she meant the seasonal day, not the date. Gran was rather strange like that.



“I...I want you to have something.” She reached into her apron pocket, taking out a silver locket. It had a black spade on it, and I laughed. Gran had always told me I was a spade. It derived from the little birthmark on my left shoulder, a little above my heart. “If ever faced with the queen, tell her you're under protection of the spades.”



“Gran...”



“Just promise me Ali.” She was serious now, her eyes no longer smiling but set in grim desperation.



“Kay' Gran I promise.”



“And promise me one thing... if given the choice, stay in Wonderland. It's not that I regret falling in love with your grandfather but... a part of me never left I guess. And Ali, you belong there. It's calling you now. I just know it.” Somehow, she sounded so sincere, so perfectly certain I would go to Wonderland. I mean, somehow I had never doubted the fact that it's real, that Wonderland is just as physically here as you or I.



“Oh! I think I left the pie in the oven. Wait here, okay Ali?” Sometimes I wonder if my Gran isn't a little ADD.



“Yes Gran.”



Gran left, and I wandered about the clearing. It was so pretty here, with the wildflowers billowing in the breeze and the tree's gently swaying. Suddenly, I spotted something. A big, juicy wood mushroom, bigger than I had ever seen. My mouth watered. It wouldn't hurt to just have one bite...



As I chewed, I let my mind wander, taking in the beauty of the clearing. It was nice here, a quiet place to doze.

“Oh I'm late, I'm late for a very important... oh screw that. Oh shit I'm never gonna make it!” Said the large white rabbit. A large white rabbit? Why didn't that surprise me?



“Hey man, chill.” I said



“What would you know! I'll get flayed by the Queen! And who are you to tell me to chill!” He huffed.



“I'm Alice...”



“Oh my! Oh dear! Holy shit! It's an Alice! A real Alice!” The rabbit seemed more interested in me now that he knew I was 'An Alice' or what ever. “But why is this Alice male? Why does this Alice were strange clothing? Why doesn't this Alice have longer hair?”



“What the hell? I can dress how ever I please! Don't patronize me!” I snubbed the rabbit. Such a rude little prick! I mean, just cause I refused to let my hair grow passed my shoulders meant nothing! Girls kept telling me I'd be cute with long hair. Yeah, that's great.



“An Alice! You will save us! An Alice!” He then promptly hit me over the head with his umbrella. The last thing I heard was some nonsense about cabbages...and kings.




When I woke up, all that I could hear was the rush of voices, far off at first, but gradually gaining clarity and volume. Soon, distinct voices could be heard, the Rabbit among them.



“Leo, we have to keep him here!” Said a slightly whiney voice from near my left ear.



“No Hermes. This is not okay, this is a historic site. You can't keep a human here, much less a boy. You should have known better Cornwall. More tea?” said Leo.



“It's an Alice Leo! And stop changing the subject. Pass the Jam Hermes.” This was the Rabbit, Cornwall. Though I felt like I could lay there forever, I focused my energy elsewhere, attempting to crack open an eye.



At first, it was too bright, and my eyes watered like faucets. Slowly, I opened both eyes to see...



A very large white tail.



“Excuse me, could you move your posterior from my face?” I said as politely as possible. I didn't want to offend anyone after all.



“Hmm? What's this, the princess is awake!” Said the previously polite Leo. Well now, I wasn't expecting what I saw. He was a boy, only a sight older then me. He had a handsome, angular face and narrow, oddly colored eyes. One was black, and the other a curious red. And his clothing! Insane, to say the least. He wore a white linen shirt, silver bells that I suspected didn't ring decorated the sleeves, a strange curling ribbon around his neck. His pants tied off at the knees, slightly billowing and black. His boots were large and clunky, quite akin to the ones I wore myself. All this was topped off with a slightly sinister top hat, crooked and striped like his stockings.



“Leo, must I point out that this is not a girl, which he would have to be if he were a princess!” Said Hermes, a large brown hare. He was sitting in a chair, legs crossed at the knees and waist coat slightly frayed and most definitely old. He had a colorful scarf tied around his neck and a earring in his one flopping ear. The other was standing straight up, a soldier at arms. It was a very strange combination over all, especially the dainty tea cup in his large, clumsy paws. He sipped at it gingerly, a small smile across his furry face.



“Ah, indeed. That was the point. Hmm... jam with your pocket watch?” Leo took the chain that was poking out of my shallow pocket. He stared at it momentarily, his eyes suddenly narrowing. “Where did you get this?” His voice was a deadly calm, his heterochromic eyes ablaze.



“Rude much? Say please.” I miffed. He was such an ass! Suddenly, the air around him seemed to darken, and Hermes coughed slightly into his tea. Cornwall looked absolutely terrified.



but just as suddenly as it had come, the aura dissipated, and, lifting his head, he smiled a cold, razor edged smile.



“Tell me where you got the goddamn watch or I'll rip out your lungs... please.”



...Good enough for me!



So I told him. I told him of Gran, and gathering day, and the conversations. When I got to the stories, they all startled.



“Those aren't fairy-tales. They're war stories Alice.” Hermes was quick becoming one of my favorite talking Hare.



“Strange. I could almost swear... but no, you all would have to be dreadfully old.” I smiled, chuckling.



“Humph. I have one thing to say to you, you half-wit. First, we are not dreadfully old. Only a sight older then you boy. and no, we aren't the same as the people of those stories. No, but we share blood. Just as surely as you are of The Alice's blood, we are of the blood of her... 'Characters', as you call them.” This was Leo, of course. No one else would have such an arrogant tone.



“And you are here to save us from the Red Queen!”



“The Queen of Hearts?” I asked, suddenly curious.



“No, The Red Queen! She controls the Red Suits now.” Hermes stated, his upright ear dropping a little.



“Well then” Leo said, clapping his elegant hands, “It has been decided. In the morning, Alice will meet the Spades, and all will be sorted out. For now, follow me.” He grabbed my hand gently, his earlier rudeness suddenly forgotten.



He lead me down a darkly lit hall, one of rough stone and crude light devices. We rounded a corner right into an alcove with one perfectly round, perfectly black door.



“You will be staying with me, Hermes is on the right, Cornwall on the left. Don't wander far, and get as much sleep as possible. I will be back shortly.” He suddenly yanked open the door, shooing me in.