Black Sheep

When I get back from school, I just can't stop smiling. Jack had been eyeing me the whole day. He almost got kicked out of class because he wasn't paying attention. But even after the warning it didn't stop for more than a few minutes. And every time he saw me looking back he hid and blushed, that was often because I love looking at him.
I bounce around the house and my little sister almost tries to kill me because of it. So I go up to my room and login onto MSN. While my computer and MSN are loading I put away the doodles I made of Jack today. Hiding the evidence before anyone can find it is usually the safest way. I put on some super happy bubbling music and bounce onto my chair. As my eyes skip through my friends list I see that Adam is online. His screenname and the fact that he didn't jump on me as soon as I logged on make me very worried.
Vic, Why are school holidays so damn short? What is wrong babe?
Adam used to be my boyfriend back when I was younger. He had been my sisters best friend since they were kids, but at some point in pre-puberty I fell in love with him and he in love with me. We broke up when he went to college. We were almost as close as brothers now.
A couple of minutes pass before I get a message back:
Adam [ill] - I just put him in bed
Adam [ill] - He had an attack a few hours ago and didn't seem to really get over it
Tears form in my eyes. Adam has been ill for a couple of years now, at first it was just shortness of breath but now his breathing actually slows down and stops. The only thing that have kept him here are his medication. They don't prevent the attacks from happening but they do keep them from getting so bad he chokes to death. The doctors don't know what is wrong with him and the attacks have only become worse. Times like these I'm glad he lives together with Tom, he is learning to become a doctor, they have been a couple the past three years.
Vic, Why are school holidays so damn short? - What did the doctors say?
Adam [ill] - He has to rest a lot
Vic, Why are school holidays so damn short? - Nothing else? Nothing in the new tests?
Adam [ill] - Nothing, they did give him some new medication though, but he hasn't taken it yet
Adam [ill] - He is gonna start on them tomorrow
Vic, Why are school holidays so damn short? - No switching time? He just has to stop these and take the new ones?
Adam [ill] - Yes...
Vic, Why are school holidays so damn short? - Anything else?
Adam [ill] - they ADVISED him to take it slow with school.
Adam [ill] - they say he is improving bit by bit, but also that if he doesn't rest enough it could just turn around again.
Adam [ill] - He looks so weak right now and I can't help him. I hate this.
Vic, Get well Adam, we need you! - I know, I can't imagine Adam without him bouncing around the house. It's scary to think about it.
Vic, Get well Adam, we need you! - How are you coping?
Adam [ill] - I'm doing okay I guess. Just having trouble accepting that Adam can't go to school. He loves school and now I can't be at his side in a few seconds when he needs me.
Vic, Get well Adam, we need you! - You could just call when you have a break.
Adam [ill] - I know, but what if something goes wrong? What if he gets an attack and doesn't feel it coming? It's scary.
Vic, Get well Adam, we need you! - I know...
I hear my little nephew storming up the stairs and crashing into the door of my room. I turn around and see him sneaking into my room, red from running through the house. He climbs on my lap and smiles all exited. I ruffle his hair. “How are you doing, little man?” I ask while I smile back.
“Today the teacher gave me a candy because I cleaned up my desk so well,” He excitedly jumps up and down on my lap, almost head butting me in the face in the process.
“Kevin, get down here right now,” I hear my older sister yell from downstairs.
“Coming mum,” he slides off my lap and walks back to the door “Mum says Adam and Tom are coming over this weekend. So you need to sleep in Chris' room.” He goes down the stairs, leaving me behind with my thoughts. Adam and Tom coming over? I would love that. I can't get rid of a gnawing feeling in my gut that verything would not turn out the way I would like it. As I turn back to my computer I see that Tom is waiting for me to answer.
Adam [ill] - I just hope he will get better this time
Adam [ill] - How was school today?
Vic, Get well Adam, we need you! - Kev just told me you are coming over this weekend?
Adam [ill] - We were planning to, but Adam needs to be at the hospital on Friday and Saturday
Adam [ill] - He had called this morning while we were on our way to the doctors appointment
Adam [ill] - He was too lost in thoughts on the way back so he hadn't called yet to cancel.
Adam [ill] - I'm sorry hunn.
Adam [ill] - I got to go, need to go to work.
Adam [ill] - See you soon.
Vic, Get well Adam, we need you! - See you soon. Wish Adam well.
Adam [ill] - Will do.
'Adam [ill] ' logged off. I sigh and lean back into my chair. The day began so well and now this again. Would Adam ever be okay? I feel fingers snake up my hair and I feel myself relax into it, as I open my eyes my sister looks at me, worried.
“He's not coming. He has to be at the hospital this Friday and Saturday,” I sigh and put my hands on her arms squeezing her arms comforting. “I don't feel well. I think I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up before dinner, okay?” I stand up and my sister pulls me into a hug, “Thanks Anne.”
“He's gonna be okay,” Anne whispers in my ear as she lets go of me. I flop down on my bed as she leaves the room. I close my eyes as I drift off into sleep, the gnawing in my gut increasing every second.


I wake up drowsily and I moan. Not again. I feel Anne holding me tight. I hold up my hand to my face and see my fingers twitch. I can feel the gnawing feeling in my body ease out of me, making my body relax.
“You awake little bro?” She releases some of the pressure she is applying to my body to control the more problematic shaking of my body.
“Yeah,” I choke out, trying to keep the trembling in my voice at bay. Tears form in my eyes, fear taking the best of me.
“This was unexpected,” Anne whispers “these new medication don't seem to work yet, the doctor said three weeks, it's been a month now since you got them.”
“Leave me alone please,” I beg her, wanting to be alone right now. I look at my hands again, seeing that the trembling was almost over.
“One thing, you want to eat dinner downstairs or you want to eat it in here?” She puts her hands over my hands, making me look up at her. I look down again, not able to meet the pain her eyes.
“I'll be down in a few minutes. I'm sorry,” I let my tears flow freely over my face.
She puts her hand under my chin, “You should be.” With that she leaves the room again. I try to sit myself up against the head of the bed, testing the strength in my arms. Slowly gaining control again over my whole body I can feel how exhausting these attacks are. The seizures leave me unconscious for a while, until now only medication made sure they stopped soon. I hate feeling this drugged but there is no other way. It was my own fault after all, so I had to endure it. I groan as I try the strength of my legs to go downstairs.