Killing You Softly

This should be the same chapter you read the first time. Sorry about that everyone. I hope the real first chapter didn\'t disappoint to many of you. Chapter three should be up on thursday. Thanks to

Draculunknown for your wonderful comments, hopefully Tristan will head your words. and also thanks to

Shannonrotten: I like those types of stories too. I hope this one isn\'t a disappointment. I don\'t really talk much about the band life, its just the back drop. Those who don\'t read stories for one reason or another are missing out. AS for Harry Potter, not a big fan and I like original work now more than fandoms. I still read them, but I don\'t pay as much attention to them. But it does almost seem weird, doesn\'t it.

Chapter Two


Mikael crawled his exhausted form toward the edge of the bed as the alarm clock sounded. With a considerable amount of effort, he swung his weary legs over the edge, encircled his stomach with agitated arms and sat shivering. When the security of his arms lost its strength and comfort, Mikael\'s shaking fingers grasped the side of the mattress desperately, while he steadied the spinning dynamics of the room. The blond placed a hand on his forehead, shaking his head lightly and feeling his clammy skin. Damning himself for his unexpected carelessness, he glanced at his overbearing alarm clock and scowled.

Another day had passed without a single word from Tristan and the enthusiasm of Mikael\'s ambitions had tempered as time ticked by. Thought about their final moments continued plaguing his sleep, his dreams. The young man\'s music career continued growing regardless of his present state of mind. While glancing at the phone and gave a resounding sigh, an overwhelming sense of loss, insecurity and loneliness ambushed the young man\'s grief stricken core. As his confident shoulders slouched, he whimpered. The cloud of despair that hung possessively over Mikael saturated the tormented soul in a merciless shower of doubt, pain and guilt. It would not be readily dismissed this time and Mikael regretfully knew this. There was only one-way of redeeming his sense of reality and disposing of the callous and unforgiving feelings that dwelled within him. Only one sure way for him to get his emotions under control, to experience release.

Mikael rolled his upper lip under his lower and turned his head toward the bathroom. He felt a familiar pull and he fought an internal battle to ignore it but he was weak. Nearly as weak as he had been before, when it first started. The lonely singer had not experienced the overpowering urge for nearly five days; he had been strong then. Mikael began rocking his torso back and forth, balancing his sleep heavy body with his impossible grip. He focused his attention onto the carpeted floor praying for his need to pass; he glanced at the door, eyes shimmering. He had lost the battle.

Mikael stood from his perch and ambled in the direction of his bathroom rubbing his arm in anticipation. He glanced over his shoulder at the phone that rested near his bed and sighed. The only thing that would stop the inevitable, the high-pitched ringing of the phone, but it did not come. Tristan hadn\'t called. The emotional heartache too much, he needed to purge himself of it, substitute it. He slowly opened the portal of his hell and crossed the barrier; it\'s too late to turn back. The blond closed the door behind him, staring at his reflection. Mikael touched the mirror leaving greasy impressions of his fingers and traced a path down to his heart. He closed his eyes.

\"Too much. I need… I need to get rid of it.\" The short haired blond singer slowly unbuttoned his nightshirt and allowed the satiny material to fall onto the marble floor. Mikael\'s lying serene blue eyes diverted their attention to the small mechanism balanced on the edge of the sink. He inhaled acutely watching the item blur as he reached for it. \"Too much,\" he mumbled grasping the item. With trembling hands, he prepared it for its new purpose. He slumped against the bathtub, tears running rampantly and placed the object near his skin. Mikael found relief.

**

Two days had passed since Mikael\'s emotional breakdown and still Tristan had not called him, hadn\'t fulfilled his promise. The young blond, although spending most of his time in bed, did not sleep much, and eating was an issue as well. Mikael had a hard time justifying being happy while Tristan was miserable. He stared at the phone.

The doorbell rang loudly, careening throughout the large house, and knocking Mikael out of his trance. He slowly made his way off his bed and down the stairs opening the door. Chris and John, members of his band, stood side by side on his porch, offering him genuine smiles. The blond couldn\'t resist their infectious grins and returned it. They stood staring at each other for a minute or two before their silent reverie broke.

\"Um… you gonna let us in or what?\"

Mikael scratched his head, \"Yeah… of course. Sorry about that.\"

\"Are you still in your pajamas? It\'s like eleven o\'clock or something,\" Chris stared hard at the younger singer, observing the emotional cracks in Mikael\'s exterior.

The blond rubbed the back of his head and smiled, \"Seems like it.\"

\"It\'s kinda hard for us to enter your house when you\'re standing in the way.\"

Mikael laughed, \"Sorry John. Come on in.\" The blond moved away from the wide opening and stood behind the door watching his two friends enter. He swiftly closed the door and led the men into his kitchen. \"Do you guys want anything to drink?\"

\"No thanks. We\'re just visiting,\" John lied, sitting down in the offered chair.

\"We haven\'t seen you in a couple days. What\'ve you been up to?\"

\"The usually,\" Mikael answered fidgeting near the sink.

\"So has Tristan called?\" Chris inquired, knowing exactly what Mikael\'s issue were.

\"No,\" he whispered. \"I\'m sure he\'s been extremely busy with his album and stuff. I…\"

\"Don\'t be stupid, Mikael,\" Chris snapped. He walked in the direction of his youngest friend. \"He\'s making you wait.\"

\"Wha… what do you mean?\" Mikael looked away from his drummer.

\"He\'s…making… you … wait.\"

Mikael huffed, \"I understood what you said, Chris.\" Mikael placed his hands on his hips, \"I want to know what you mean.\"

John stood from his chair, \"It\'s pretty cut and dry Mikael. I really don\'t think there\'s a hidden message or anything. You just gotta open your eyes a little bit.\"

\"Fine, whatever. I just… I don\'t like waiting.\"

\"That was made clear when you jumped into your solo effort,\" John sneered.

Mikael\'s lips quivered and his eyes moist with tears, \"I don\'t need this shit.\" The blond pushed himself from the counter and made toward the door. \"I\'m tired of this,\" he said over his shoulder. As he stepped through the passage, his bicep was ensnared causing a small shot of pain through his system.

\"You\'re right Mikael. You don\'t need this shit and John was out of line. What you do need is swift kick in the ass.\" Mikael pulled his arm from Chris and stared at the shorter man. \"Stop sulking. If you\'re that God damn insistent on becoming a part of Tristan\'s life again, you need to understand that you don\'t come first.\"

\"I…\"

\"Shut up and listen.\" Chris pushed the younger man through the doorway and into his living room. \"Sit down.\" Mikael sat. \"You can\'t expect Tristan to drop everything, no matter how bad it is in comparison. It\'s his life now. It\'s what he replaced you with.\" The eldest band member paused and considered the words he would speak next. \"He\'s moved on.\" He watched Mikael\'s façade crumble. Chris sat beside the disenchanted blond and whispered, \"You need to, too.\"

Mikael turned his head in the direction of Chris\'s voice and leisurely blinked his lashes. \"Why…\" he said through thick lips, \"Why are you saying these things?\"

\"Mikael,\" another voice entered their conversation. \"If you want Tristan back you\'ve gotta start over. We\'re not telling you to completely give up on the idea that one day you\'ll be together again, but in reality,\" John paused, \"that\'s not gonna happen in four days.\"

Chris continued, \"You broke everything when you left Mikael. You broke his trust, his belief and his heart. You need to gain each one back slowly, not all at once.\"

\"I can\'t take that.\"

\"Mikael, don\'t be unreasonable,\" John quipped.

\"I…\" Mikael stared at auburn eyes, \"I couldn\'t it would take too long. I don\'t have that much time, I need him now. I can\'t live without him.\"

John smirked, \"You seemed to be living just fine without him. With your solo career and all.\" The guitar player regretted uttering those words when Mikael\'s barriers broke down in front of them. Chris wrapped a consoling arm around the sobbing blond and scowled at John. His attention turned back to Mikael when he felt the younger man moving. Chris watched Mikael absentmindedly rub his arm and flinched when he observed the younger man grimace. \"Mikael, what\'s wrong with your arm?\"

Mikael snapped out of his fit of tears, \"Na…nothing.\" The blonde\'s face paled and then the mask was reset. \"Mind your own fucking business.\"

\"Excuse me.\"

\"Get the fuck out, both of you.\" Mikael stood from the couch and maneuvered toward the staircase. \"You know the way.\" The young blond climbed the stairs by two and ran into his room, closing the door and locking it. He looked at the bathroom door again and then down at his arm. Deep down in the abyss of Mikael\'s sullen heart he knew his friends were right. He wouldn\'t be able to win back Tristan quickly; it would take time. \"I can\'t take it, not that long.\" Blue eyes stared hard toward purgatory and a resigned breath escaped his lips. The draw of his misguided salvation was too great causing the despondent to enter into its enticing trap.

**

\"Something ain\'t right with him,\" John commented as the two men exited the house.

\"No shit John.\" Chris rubbed his growing beard. \"How\'s he gonna fix Tristan, when he\'s broken himself.\"

John placed his hand on Chris shoulder, \"One step at a time, I guess.\"

\"He\'s gonna need just as much help taking that step as Tristan does. I think we have our work cut out for us.\"

\"What we need to do is bust some heads at Silveo\'s. They\'re the reason our front men are dying here.\"

\"Yeah, we need to let Tristan know that Mikael breaking up with him was the record company\'s idea. I personally think that should be the first step that we take. Otherwise, we\'ll just be wasting our time and theirs.\" Chris turned around and faced the large mansion. His deep brown eyes taking in the entire view, \"We start tonight, agreed.\"

\"Yeah, I\'ll call Thomas and let him know what\'s happening.\"

Chris slid a sideways glance at John, \"Let\'s go.\"

**

When one o\'clock rolled past the blond contemplated calling Tristan himself. He felt better and his emotions were no longer getting the better of him. He smarted slightly when he sat down on the edge of his bed, getting ready for another lonely afternoon, when the phone rang. The number on the caller ID read, Unknown Number. Mikael tilted his head and stared at the phone resting on the sheet while it rang, waiting for the answering machine to pick up.
You have reached the Summers-Shephard residents and we\'re busy right now, so
leave a message.

Mikael\'s heart wrenched when he heard the programmed machine and the pain resurfaced tenfold. He hadn\'t changed it since Silveo\'s forced them to split up. A tear slowly meandered down his cheek. He waited for the caller to speak.

\"Umm…\" a timid yet familiar voice began. \"Mikael?\"

Mikael quickly picked up the phone and could barely control his excitement. The emotional distresses he felt before were now fading into the recesses of his mind. \"Tristan.\"

The blond heard a soft sigh, \"Yeah.\"

\"Where are you?\" Mikael tried not to sound anxious, \"My ID didn\'t display your number.\"

\"Oh, um…\" Tristan sighed again, \"I\'m calling from a pay phone.\"

\"Why?\"

\"It\'s hard to explain.\"

\"Why,\" the blond mumbled.

\"Mikael,\" Tristan\'s voice was tinted with annoyance.

\"S…sa…sorry. I didn\'t mean to pry.\"

\"It\'s all right. I shouldn\'t sound like I\'m hiding anything from you. Sorry.\"

\"No, no. You\'ve every right. It\'s none of my business anymore. I know that.\"

\"Mikael,\" the brunette\'s words softened. \"Why did you come over the other night?\"

The blond fiddled with the dirty sheets on his bed. \"I wanted to see you,\" he said honestly.

Tristan was surprised by the answer and the honesty with which it was uttered. \"Really?\" he questioned. \"You weren\'t checking up on me.\"

\"Yes, huuh,\" Mikael was surprised by his own answer.

The other man smiled into the phone. \"You\'re being especially honest today. Why?\"

Mikael ignored his ex\'s question. \"Can we talk?\" Mikael waited for Tristan\'s answer, \"In person,\" he added. He was disappointed in the basses words, the change in subject.

\"Umm… you need to change your message.\"

\"I don\'t want to,\" Mikael meekly confessed.

\"You\'ll need to.\"

\"Tristan.\"

\"Look, Mikael we\'re not together anymore and that was by your choice. Remember,\" Tristan remarked tersely.

\"Yeah, I remember,\" Mikael sighed and bit his bottom lip. \"Can I see you?\"

\"I don\'t think that would be a good idea right now. Brian and I are finishing up his album and were going out for lunch.\"

\"Oh,\" Mikael answered.

Tristan recognized the anguished tone of Mikael\'s and sighed. He closed his eyes and whispered, \"Yes, you can see me. We can talk, but that\'s it.\"

Mikael let out a rush of air, \"Thank God.\"

Tristan smiled. \"Our bands is suppose to meet with Silveo\'s Thursday morning, are you gonna be there?\"

\"Yes, of course. Why wouldn\'t I?\"

\"I don\'t know, solo career,\" Tristan remarked snidely. \"You know the reason why you dumped me, stealing my dream,\" he finished anger dripping from his words.

\"Tristan,\" the younger man whimpered, \"I know you won\'t believe this, but I\'m sorry. I was wrong.\"

\"Were you ever.\"

\"I\'m sorry,\" he whispered painfully. He continued in a voice barely audible, \"Believe me.\"

Tristan\'s heart skipped when he heard the pain in Mikael\'s voice. He rejoiced a little in knowing that Mikael wasn\'t spared any pain, that it hurt Mikael just as much to leave him. \"Does it hurt?\" he whispered back wanting to prove his theory, his hope.

Mikael instinctively looked at his arm, \"Yes.\"

\"Without me, it hurts.\"

\"Without you it hurts so much,\" Mikael curled in the fetal position and wept, unable to control his emotions, his feelings.

Tristan gripped the receiver tighter, leaning further into the phone, \"Don\'t cry, Mikael. Please don\'t cry.\"

\"Please, believe me.\"

Tristan pushed back his own emotions, \"After the meeting Mikael. After the meeting we can talk. Can you wait that long?\"

\"No,\" Mikael answered truthfully.

Tristan smiled again, heart fluttering, \"Good. I\'ll see you at the meeting. Bye.\"

\"Bye.\" Mikael stared at the bathroom door and thought, Two days. That\'s a long time.

**

Mikael arrived at the meeting fifteen minutes late. Traffic had been extremely bad and he couldn\'t call ahead to let them know because he was in the process of buying a new cell phone. As Mikael turned the corner he was met with a loud agonizing scream. He saw Thomas standing in the hallway staring at the conference room door. \"Thomas what\'s going on?\"

\"Tristan\'s crashing pretty hard in there.\"

\"What? How long?

\"What are you talking about?\"

\"How long do you think he\'s been without it?\"

\"He\'s been like this since I\'ve been here. We can\'t get him to calm down.\"

\"Brian\'s been gone for a couple of days,\" John said as he came from the room behind them. \"I\'m assuming he\'s been without it since the fucker left.\"

\"He didn\'t look to good did he John,\" Thomas offered.

\"No, not good at all.\"

\"Why isn\'t there anyone in there with him? Why are all you guys in the hallway staring at him and not offering to help?\"

\"Right.\" Thomas leered hard at Mikael, \"Why don\'t you?\"

Without another word Mikael opened the conference room door and enter. Thomas smiled. Mikael found Tristan\'s shaking body sitting on the floor and leaning against the far wall. The black haired bass player was turned away from the door and his eyes were closed. Sweat stained his cloths and dampened his pale skin and short hair. The trembling man drew his knees to his chest and began rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently. Mikael cautiously strode toward the breaking Tristan watching for any sudden movements.

\"Tris,\" he whispered. \"Its me, Mikael.\"

Tristan slowly lulled his head in Mikael\'s direction and tilted it slightly. He opened his expressionless eyes and squinted them, focusing them on the blond. \"Mik…\" he whimpered and sobbed.

\"Tristan…\" he knelt beside the quaking man and wrapped his arms around Tristan\'s shoulders and head, pulling him into his body, his security. Mikael placed his lips on his ex lover\'s hair and rocked him ignoring the short stabs of pain.

Tristan released his knees and unfolded his slender body grasping onto Mikael, clinging for life. He closed his eyes once more and relished the feel of his old lover against him. He tipped his chin up and gazed into Mikael\'s anguished filled eyes. \"S…sorry,\" he mumbled between sobs. \"I…need…a fix.\"

\"Tristan, you\'ve done so well without it.\" Mikael petted Tristan\'s head, \"Look how well you\'ve done. Don\'t let it get to you know.\" He rocked the two of them, \"I don\'t think that shit\'s good for you. Just look what it\'s done to you.\"

Tristan harshly pulled away and screamed, \"Done so well. Look at me. Look what you\'ve done to me.\" Mikael flinched at the hurtful words, knowing that they were true. He reached forward anyway intending to embrace his hurt friend when the door viciously flung open.

\"There you are,\" a familiar voice chimed. \"I\'ve been looking for you, sweetie.\" Brian glanced down at his watch and made a mental calculation. \"I guess you need something, don\'t you sweetheart.\" Tristan stared wide-eyed at his new lover and nodded his head, grateful that Brian would give him what he needed. The shaky green eyed man stood up and gracelessly stumbled toward Brian. The blond man grabbed Tristan\'s forearm and pulled him close. \"I thought I told you to stay away from him.\" He shook the bass player. \"Didn\'t I tell you that Tristan?\" Tristan nodded again. \"Now,\" he paused dramatically, \"Now you want me to provide you with a fix, when you can\'t even do one simple thing for me.\"

\"Brian…I just…\"

\"Forget it,\" he pushed Tristan away from him causing the already weary man to fall backward onto the floor. He instantly curled into himself.

\"Hey,\" Mikael yelled. \"Don\'t you fucking touch him like that.\" Mikael stood up. \"Don\'t you hurt him!\"

\"Hurt him, hah,\" Mikael\'s nemesis laughed. He knelt down to Tristan\'s quivering form. \"It\'s because of Mikael that you\'re not getting what you want. Remember that, Tristan. It\'s because of him.\" Brian stood up and walked toward the door. He tuned and addressed Mikael one last time over his shoulder, \"Now he\'s really gonna hate you.\"

The blond singer lunged toward Brian, arms out. The adversary maneuvered gracefully out of the way, grabbed an offending arm and spun around. He pushed the larger man into the wall and pinned his arm behind him. Brian reared his free hand back and punched Mikael in the kidney, knocking the wind from him. He leaned into Mikael, pressing his lower body against the trapped man\'s. \"You can\'t win, Mikael.\" Brian struck the blond again and let go of him, watching as he dropped to his knees seeking purchase from the wall. He laughed, \"You\'re just as pathetic as he is,\" he thumbed toward the rocking dark haired man. Brian turned and left room.

Mikael quickly gathered his poise and crawled toward Tristan. Upon reaching the withdrawn man, he soothingly rubbed a hand up and down his sweaty arm. \"Tristan,\" he whispered. No answer. \"Baby, come on. Answer me.\"

\"Get your hand off of me.\"

\"No.\"

\"Don\'t touch me. It\'s your fault, your fault that I\'m like this,\" he screamed. \"Just get away from me.\" He started crying again, \"Just…just…\" he sniffed, \"get away.\"

\"No,\" Mikael repeated and continued giving comfort. \"I left you once, never again.\"

\"Please… Just…\"

Mikael moved closer toward the fallen male and grasped his quivering shoulders. He gently lifted Tristan up into a sitting position and stared into his red-rimmed eyes. The blond pulled Tristan closer and encircled his arms around the willowy frame, immersing Tristan in the love that radiated from his body. The younger man snaked his arms up Tristan\'s back securing him against his chest and held him. They rocked together.

\"I need it,\" Tristan whimpered

\"I know you do,\" Mikael said. \"Just like I need you.\"

Tristan tipped his head back and stared into his ex-lover\'s eyes. \"Mikael?\"

\"Yes Tristan…\" he closed his eyes, \"I still love you.\" He placed a small kiss on Tristan\'s sweaty forehead. \"I\'m sorry I did all this, I\'m sorry I\'ve made you suffer. I didn\'t mean too. I…\" his voice caught. \"I\'m to blame for everything that\'s happened to you. I know that and I\'ve gotta live with it, but not without you. You can get over your drug addiction, but I can\'t get over you.\"

\"Why then…\"

\"Why did I leave you?\"

Tristan balled his fists up and hit Mikael in the chest. \"Why?\"

Mikael took a deep breath. \"I\'m a coward. I didn\'t want to leave you, that\'s why I told you it would be temporary. I didn\'t want to. Hell, I… I couldn\'t even stand up to the record company and tell them to fuck off.\" Mikael brushed a stray curl from his ex lover\'s forehead. \"Now…\" he stopped rethinking his words. \"I… I realize now that it wouldn\'t have mattered if I had stayed with you. Our careers wouldn\'t have suffered. Silveo\'s tricked me into believing that our relationship would be bad for my career. I was a fool and believed them. I was a coward and took the easy route.\" The blond closed his eyes, \"It wouldn\'t have mattered cause even though I wasn\'t with you; I still loved you. I still wanted you, but they wouldn\'t let me come back. I was weak and you had to pay for my weakness. I\'m so sorry, baby. So sorry.\"

\"Liar,\" Tristan whispered while tracing the patterns of Mikael\'s tears with blurry eyes. He settled back on top of Mikael, leaving on hand on the younger man\'s chest. \"I loved you,\" Tristan mumbled into Mikael\'s tear drenched chest, \"but…\"

Mikael heart wrenched when he heard the past tense usage of love, \"Shhh…I know, baby.\"

They sat in the center of the room, limbs entwined as the minutes ticked away. Mikael slowly rocked them and racked his fingers through the tight curls at the nape of Tristan\'s neck. The blond sat on his knees. One of Tristan\'s nestled snugly in-between his own, pressing gently against his phallus. Tristan reciprocated Mikael\'s position. The man\'s head was huddled under Mikael\'s chin, arms wrapped tightly around his salvation. The two men clung to each other until they were again disrupted.

\"Well, how the fuck do you like that?\" Brian walked back into the room and toward the embraced men. \"Tristan?\" The dark haired man looked over his slender shoulder and up at his intimidating lover. Brian held out a small bag of white powder. \"Want some?\" Tristan licked his lips and moved away from Mikael.

\"Tristan?\" Mikael whimpered.

Tristan stood up on weary legs and reached a trembling hand for the offered bag. When the bag of white powder was in his heads he turned and looked down at Mikael, \"I\'m…I\'m sorry Mikael. I\'m not who I was. I\'ve changed.\"

\"Come on sweet thing, let\'s go somewhere a little more quiet.\"

Mikael hung his head and stared at his hands, the hands that used to have Tristan trapped in them. Hands that weren\'t strong enough to keep him there. Mikael sobbed, \"Please… Tristan… please.\"

Tristan looked at the bag of cocaine and than back at Mikael, the bag and then Mikael. There was only one thing on the earth that Tristan couldn\'t resist and those were tears falling from Mikael\'s blue eyes. He handed the bag back to his boyfriend and knelt down beside his ex-lover. With a shaking hand he lifted Mikael\'s chin and wiped the tears away with his thumb, kissing the cheek it would\'ve traveled down. \"We\'ll talk later,\" he whispered.

\"Let\'s go already.\" Brian wrenched Tristan away from the blond and wrapped a possessive arm around Tristan\'s shoulders and guided the older man out of the room.

Mikael wept.