To Become

9:33am - Protect

I saw Ryan walk in, and immediately everything just started rushing back to me. It was fast my head was spinning as I subconsciously tried to move away from the place I knew he was heading. That's when I noticed I could barely move. My whole body just felt numb and limp.

"Greg leave," is what he said. I knew why he was shocked now when I asked if I knew him or not. Of course I did. He has to be the one who brought me here! He has to be. Ryan was pissed. His eyes burned, it hurt to look at him. I moved my head to look down, but feeling a hand underneath my chin, I decided to keep my head where it was. My eyes looking into his.

All I could muffle was I'm sorry.

He yelled loudly. Thankfully Greg had shut the door on his way out. "Kylienna! What the fuck were you thinking?" All I did was cringe at his tone, and I realized I was crying again. He was scaring me. I'm sorry! I tried to tell him I couldn't breathe! I thought he was literally going to crush me! He wouldn't let up! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!

I had managed to draw my knees into my chest at this time, my arms circled around them, drawing them closer to myself. My protective little ball. My hands over my head waiting for his next punch. "Dammit Kylie! Do you know why you couldn't breathe! Do you know why it hurt so much with his weight on you!" I shook my head. "It's because you've been starving yourself! Making yourself throw up! Why the FUCK would you do that!"

I WANTED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! I WANTED YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME FOR ONCE! I don't want to be nothing to you...

Suddenly, I remember everything stopping. Like the world had been put on pause. "If you were nothing to me, I never would have went upstairs and told Dr. Houle that we were bringing you in to his hospital. I would have let you lie there on the floor. Better yet, I would have probably just crushed your head in. I didn't kill you Kylienna. Be grateful for that." You didn't just because you didn't want to start losing money. I'm standing there most of the time against the wall when you deal. I'm not stupid. I know how much I'm bringing in for you each day. That's all you care about is your damn money. I'm just a tool. You said so yourself. "When did I say this?" You called me a slut. A filthy slut. I don't want to be just that to you. Don't you understand that?

But I kept that last part to myself. He couldn't understand. There was no way for him to understand. His whole life was not taken away from him like mine was.

"I did that to protect you." From what? "Yourself."

Myself? I didn't understand what he meant, but I do now that I've thought about it. He was helping me still preserve the part of me that I had before I was brought here. He was protecting me from losing the last shred of my past life. It just didn't turn out the way he had hoped it would. I just clinged to him stronger.

We were both calm by this point and I was looking at the IV in my left hand. That was when I noticed something in my nose. A tube of sorts. I asked Ryan what it was.

"A feeding tube. I ordered it. Dr. Houle agreed and had one of his nurses put it in. And if you dare try to pull it out, you'll be restrained. This is a private room on the opposite end of the hospital. Only people whom Dr. Houle trusts and I trust will be allowed near you. So don't try anything. You have no warnings, just immediate punishment." That's when he stood up and left.

I couldn't finish writing yesterday. My grip got weak. They must have just put the feeding tube in today. I do remember Greg giving me something through the IV. Probably to put me to sleep. Good idea. I definitely would have fought no matter what Ryan threatened. I want to take it out, but Ryan is mad at me. No. He sounded more disappointed.

You always listen. Don't you journal?