Love, Lose, Live

“Hey Doc… I mean Kevin” I say walking into Kevin’s office.

“Hey Lucas. How are you doing?” he asks with a kind smile.

“I’m ok. None too bad actually” I reply sitting down in front of his desk.

“Good. That is very good to hear. What would you like to talk about today?”

“I want to tell you about Brian. He’s an important part of my life and you don’t know him.”

“I’d love to hear about Brian. I think it’s a very good step.”

“Huh. I just want to talk about him. He was my love and I’m pretty sure Erin and James would really appreciate it if I stopped talking about him” I say with a laugh. Kevin smiles at me again. “Well, we met in Kindergarten and at first, we didn’t get along.”

“Really?” Kevin blurts surprised.

“Yeah! Ironic right? But yeah, we did not like each other. He stole one of my toys or something like that and I cried. I cried a lot. Anyways, a few days later, one of the other boys was picking on me. See, even at that age, I was thinner than the others and I always wore long-sleeved shirts and long pants. My parents didn’t want my bruises to show. Anyways, Brian defended me. He told me he was sorry and he didn’t want to see me cry again. We were friends ever since that day. He would defend me against those that would pick on me. I’d started liking him in the 6th grade but I didn’t even tell him about my dad beating me until the 7th grade. He wanted to tell people but I made him swear never, ever to tell a soul. He never did but he very much wanted to. He begged me to tell somebody. I didn’t. Except you now. Erin and James don’t know very much. Just know I don’t like my dad and he was abusive. Anyways, I went to him about everything. The first time my dad raped me, I couldn’t get a hold of him. I tried calling him to come get me but he wouldn’t pick-up. I was afraid of my dad coming back for me so I tried to kill myself. Brian came to see me in the hospital, he was so upset. He blamed himself because he didn’t pick-up the phone. The hospital found out that I had had sex so my father blamed Brian. I was too afraid to say otherwise and Brian was kicked out of the hospital. He almost got in trouble with the cops but I kept that from happening. When I got out, I went to his house. He was so hurt and confused. He didn’t know what my dad had done. When I told him about the rape, he wanted to go beat the shit out of him. I wouldn’t let him because I was sure that Brian would beat him pretty bad and I didn’t want Brian to go to jail. Brian forgave me for not speaking out against my father. Every time I attempted suicide, Brian would suffer. He felt like he should be doing something. I just needed to speak-out but I was too afraid. We almost broke-up after the fourth attempt. My problems were causing a lot of strife in our relationship. He was blaming himself and my inaction towards my father was frustrating for him. He never did anything just like he promised although he desperately wanted to. We managed to stay together because I finally said I would move-out. I lied a little about what happened when I moved-out. I didn’t wait until it was time to go to college; I tried to leave the day I turned eighteen which was in January. My dad beat the crap out of me for trying to leave but Brian rescued me. I know I was supposed to tell you about Brian but that should tell you a lot. Brian stuck with me. Yeah there were some low points in our relationship but he stayed. He is the first person in my life that I ever felt really loved me. He made me see the light in life because he was my light. He was kind and gave everything of himself. That means that you got the easily angered, jealous, horrible snorer too but I didn’t care. He was my everything, he really was. He made me laugh, he made me so mad, he held me when I cried and made me feel loved. Even when we were fighting, I knew he loved me. He was smart and amazing. I miss him but I know he loves me and looks out for me. I wish I hadn’t tried to kill myself after he died. I didn’t remember the love and the joy, just how much it hurt that he died. That was my stupid mistake.”

“We all make mistakes.”

“True. I’m glad this one didn’t stick. His death still hurts and some days seeing the light in life is incredibly hard. James helps me fight my depression a lot. Brian died that night because I wanted to go clubbing. He decided to go because he knew it was something I loved. He hated going but he did it for me. If we hadn’t gone out, that man wouldn’t have come after us. The man wanted this ring” I hold my hand up “but I wouldn’t give it over. It’s the promised ring that Brian gave me.”

“It’s not…”

“My fault. I know. On good days I believe that but sometimes it’s hard to believe because we went out for me. I try. I do. I try to believe it.” I wipe away tears. “I know he wouldn’t want me to wallow in sadness.”

“That’s true.” Kevin wipes away some tears of his own. “What do you say we stop for the day? I have no more appointments today, and I’m not supposed to do this, but would you like to go out for coffee?”

“Sounds fabulous” I say with a sniffle and a smile. Kevin comes around the desk and leave to get our coffee. We tell stories of ourselves and our lovers. Turns out, Kevin and I could be very good friends. I invite Kevin and his boyfriend Sam over for dinner tomorrow. We say our goodbyes and I call James.

“Hello?”

“Hey James.”

“Lucas?”

“Yeah. I have a question. Is it alright with you if my therapist Kevin and his boyfriend come over tomorrow for dinner?”

“That’s fine with me. It’s your house after all.”

“I know but you pretty much live with me so I just wanted to make sure you’re fine with it.”

“I’m cool with it. I think it’s a great idea. Do you know what you want to make?”

“No! Oh gosh. I haven’t thought about that yet. Maybe we can talk about it over dinner tonight. What do you want me to make for tonight?”

“Uh… can we just, I dunno, do tacos?”

I laugh. “Yeah. I’ll get stuff for tacos on the way home. I’m getting into my car so I’m gonna get off the phone. See you at home!”

“See you late Lucas. Drive careful.”

“I will. Bye!”

“Bye.”

I drive away feeling good about the days to come.


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