Ghost of you

A/N: *Hangs head* I'm sooo sorry it has taken me all these months to update! My muse really just dissapeared out of the blue, I try not to let it happen again! I'm thinking there's about one or two chapters left of this story and I think I need to finish this before I can update Love and broken hearts, we'll see.

And thank you to all of you who left me such nice reviews:
Laaerie, Yblue, rosiel, Kawanee, Soda, invisible sin, Tsunami-kun, bambi4real, teeta, madlodger and Mitts,
I hope I haven't lost you for being away so long.

All stories are now also on my homepage; http://www.my-secret-shore.net/ you can join my mailing list there if you'd like to have a notice when I update.

Betad: teeta

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Chapter 17


Olavi sat on his bed, looking out from the window, the night sky, the stars, the moon.
“A penny for your thoughts,” Alexander asked with a whisper as he made his way closer and sat down next to him. Olavi looked down at his hands, a sorrowful smile on his lips.

It had been a week since his attempt to end his life and every night since then Alexander had been sleeping in his room, by his side, careful not to touch him any more than with simple, innocent caresses if Olavi didn’t ask him for more.


And Olavi wanted to get better, he wanted to be able to let the man close, but it just wasn’t that easy. And his depression hadn’t left him completely, what happened that night in the forest would haunt him for the rest of his life, he was certain of it and the more he thought about his brother, the sicker he felt. He did not only have nightmares of the day he’d been raped but he also saw them of Elias, mixed and dark, pained cries of his brother, blurry monsters in the shape of men.

Even thinking of it…

“Olavi…” Alexander whispered, worried when seeing the tears in the boy’s eyes, he carefully wrapped his arms around him, soothing him in his arms.
“He had it worse…” Olavi whispered, his voice almost breaking, “and yet he… he was…” Olavi shook his head, “he had more strength than I have, than I can ever have.” He couldn’t stop thinking about what Vladimir had told him and what Alexander had told him later, couldn’t stop thinking how his brother had been forced to endure the brutality of more men than one and that his nightmare had lasted for three long moths and yet he had been able to love, to…
“Shh, you shouldn’t compare, my love, time and situation were different then…” Alexander whispered. Olavi was silent for a while, troubled with his thoughts, haunted by memories and still, the fact that his brother and Alexander… at times it felt so wrong, and he wondered if the guilt would ever pass, the feel of wrongness and… He was sharing so much with a brother that he had trouble remembering. Olavi sighed, frustrated, pained. What was right? And again the whispers. He felt sick again, pulled away from the embrace. It felt wrong for more reasons than one and yet, he glanced at Alexander’ concerned face, the question in his eyes, the hesitation and the want to reach out and touch him and when he did, when he placed his hand on his shoulder Olavi started crying again. Those lips that had kissed him, had kissed his brother first, those hands and his body, his …
Could he ever let the man close after everything, could they ever share such intimacy now?

Had Elias been Alexander’s first love?

“Olavi…please, talk to me…”
“I remember, better now, that night.” Olavi whispered suddenly, glancing at him, Alexander took his hand in his and waited with patience for him to continue.

“I remember, we… we went to the sauna,” Olavi frowned, trying to remember better, “it was a cold day, we played … with water, and…we laughed, it was…” He smiled faintly, “…I hated it when he washed my hair, I think I cried, it got to my eyes and it stung, and we walked back in, it was cold, I guess… I guess I was crying about that, too…Elias, he… he went out, to… get more wood and… He came back and said… he suggested that we would play something?” Olavi tried to concentrate. “Hide and seek…no, no it wasn’t that…because he told us…no, he brought us to where we should hide, in the kitchen, to the cellar I showed you and he… he told us to keep quiet? Yes, that was it. I though it was exciting, I loved the smell of the cellar and Aino… she was holding me and I was asking her to tell me a story, I guess I was even giggling, but then she, she reminded me to keep quiet and… Then, then we heard as the door opened, they came in and it scared us. I wanted to see, Aino held me, didn’t let go… The voice… Elias voice… They came into kitchen, Aino held her hand over my mouth,” Olavi brought his hand to his lips, touching them, before he lowered it back down and continued. “The steps… gone, it was so dark… but then he screamed, we heard him screaming and… I was so afraid, I wanted to tell them to stop… they found us… he-he was naked in the living room…then we were in the kitchen again with him,” Olavi shuttered. “He was laughing, whispering, his hands… and we heard… Elias… he… screaming, begging…” Olavi shut his eyes tightly, shaking his head. “And… that day, in the forest,” he swallowed hard. “It makes me sick… why did it have to be us??” Alexander pulled Olavi close to him, kissing the crown of his head, gently rocking him back and forth.
“I don’t know… I don’t know, sweetheart,” he whispered, “neither of you deserved it, no one does, I wish I could take your pain away, I wish I could have…”
“It’s difficult for me, to understand…” Olavi whispered, relaxing in his arms, “and I guess, a part of me, will always question…” he stared at the emptiness. Alexander stoked his hair, watching him quietly.
“Question?” He finally asked.
“Whether you loved him more than me, whether you see him or me when you hold me, look at me, touch me… He was my brother… And you remember more of him than I can… My memories of him are shattered pieces, nightmares of the last night I saw him, glimpses that I can’t tell for certain if they are a dream or reality. But I know, I loved him, I know how good a brother he was and I know I’ve missed him and still do, I know how much he loved us. Somehow, part of me feels like I am betraying him, you were his first and no matter what, he’ll always be between us.”

Alexander closed his eyes, reopened them and sighed. At least, Olavi was now sharing what he felt, at least now, knowing, he could try and fix what was broken. He brought his hand under Olavi’s chin, urging him to look at him.
“I don’t have the right answers, I… I did not expect this, us, you, but I love you, Olavi and I want you to know that I do…” Olavi stared deep into his eyes, as if trying to see deep in his soul. “Do you believe in ghosts?” Alexander decided to ask.
“Ghosts?” He asked in wonder.
“Yes,” Alexander smiled faintly. “I didn’t believe in them before, when I was young, but then…” He hesitated, unsure if he should talk about his feelings, about Elias, about it all. But if he didn’t, could he ever convince Olavi that what was between them now, was good, that in reality there was nothing wrong, that his feelings were true for him? “…Then your brother came to my life, the time I got with him was so very brief and as suddenly as he came, he was gone. What I felt then… most would question my love for him, after all, we didn’t even speak the same language. But those feelings were as true as my feelings for you are now. As strange as this may sound, as crazy as it is, but in my understanding life can take many strange paths.” He took a pause again, looking carefully at Olavi, trying to see what he was thinking, but he couldn’t tell for certain. “The night, when he died, I felt… I wanted to give up, I felt like everything was in vain, but somehow I just carried myself through it, survived, but I had lost the joy of live. Then he came back to me, haunting my dreams, haunting my days, I can’t tell you how many times I thought I saw him in the distance somewhere, smiling at me, at first I thought it was inviting me to where he was, to death,”

Olavi was silently watching him, carefully listening to every word and examining Alexander’s face.
“I was wrong,” Alexander said then, “it was more like him saving me from it. I- this is hard to explain, but during these years whenever I’ve felt the need to give up, I’ve seen him… In my dreams I could understand him… I came here, my intention, to give you the letters and tell the truth, but… I saw you… at first, in all truth, I was mistaken, shaken with the fact how much you looked like him and this time it was real, you were real, real enough to touch… You may look like him, but you are different, you are your own person, Olavi, it is you I love, it is you I see when I look at you. I still love Elias, that will never change, but that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t love you. This situation… it is difficult, as you said… If you want me to leave, I shall, but…” Alexander squeezed his hand, “not before I know that you’ll be alright, not before I can be convinced that you know of my feelings. I am happy, just to be near you, it doesn’t have to be anything else, not before you feel that it’s right.”
Olavi felt tears in his eyes again, “This is all so confusing,” he whispered, “give me time and please, for tonight…” he let go of Alexander’s hand, “let me sleep alone, please.” He asked, feeling like he needed room for his thoughts.

With a heavy heart Alexander nodded.
“As much time as you need,” he assured and stood up, “Sleep well, and if you want to talk…”
“Then I’ll come and find you,” Olavi finished for him, giving him a small smile, “good night.”
“Good night,” And with that Olavi was left alone in his room, alone with his thoughts.

He really wasn’t sure about anything anymore. He did love Alexander, but so had his brother and… he still felt so dirty and wrong…
His brother wasn’t the only obstacle, there was even greater one. Before he hadn’t worried about it too much, then he had still believed that things could change, he had believed in chances and possibilities… But now, he knew…Loving Alexander would never be easy, not only because of Elias, but because of the world and other people in it. Two men…. Their relationship would be forever hiding it, making love in darkness, sneaking in secret places and… it was not how he dreamed of it, how he wanted it, but it was the only way he could have him, that they could have each other. Could he live such a life? Maybe it would be better to stay alone, close his heart from ever exposing it to such pain that loving someone caused. Maybe he should marry someone like Hanna? Have a wife and children, normal life, maybe God would then forgive his sins? He wondered; could he let Alexander go? What was right? Million questions. That night, he hardly slept.



**^^**^^**^^**

Aino sat on the porch watching Emma’s child playing in the garden with another small child, neighbour’s, a small girl called Anneli. They were laughing, running around and she couldn’t help but smile. She heard as the front door opened, the steps that neared, but she didn’t turn to look.
“I got a letter from my parents, they’re coming here next week, Anton is coming as well,” Emma’s voice said. Aino simply nodded, she had expected as much. “I’ve only told them, that Olavi was hurt, I have not told them the nature of his injuries and…”
“And you shall not tell them either,” Aino finished for her, “they don’t need to know, especially Anton, I know my brother wouldn’t want that.” Emma sat down next to her, silently watching the children as well, clouds were gathering up in the sky, dark clouds and she knew it would start to rain soon, but so far there was still rays of sun left.

“Oh what I wouldn’t give to be a child again, what I wouldn’t give for the chance to play with him once more,” Emma sighed. Aino turned to look at her, things hadn’t been the same between them since what had happened to Olavi, part of Aino still blamed Emma for it, for letting her brother go with a stranger. They had each created their own walls and even Emma had changed since the day she had learned the truth, she had become more quiet, more… like lost in her own private world of memories. During her own grief, Aino had forgotten about hers. She had forgotten to forgive her.

“Olavi seems to be getting better,” Aino started slowly, it was Emma’s turn to look at her, “he still hides himself in his room, but… at least… at least he’s talking again, I even seen him smiling couple of times.”
“I’m glad,” Emma answered to the smile that Aino was giving. “I miss him, miss having him around, with us.” She said and drifted her gaze back to the children. “Aino, you know that I’m terribly sorry for…“
“It was not your fault Emma,” Aino sighed, “you couldn’t have known, you and Olavi both,” she shook her head, “you believe in people, you believe too much in them, when the truth is much more darker… But what happened, happened, we can’t change that and the fault…it is not yours, or Olavi’s or… even Alexander’s…” The last name was hard for her to say, but she knew it was true. “The blame is only that monster’s, who’s dead now.”

“What do you think of it, of this… of Alexander and Olavi?” Emma asked in a whisper. Aino sighed again, looking down at her hands.
“I wish I knew what to think,” she shook her head again. “It’s not easy for me and it’s difficult to understand… hardly anything makes sense anymore but then again, that’s the story of my life, of mine and Olavi’s… All I know is that my brother is talking again because of him and … Alexander, I believe, really loves him and as for my brother, I believe he loves him as well. Is that right?” She asked herself, looking up to the sky. “Up there is supposed to be God, God that according to many would say that it’s wrong, but at the same time this would be the same God that’s put my family through hell. Love can not be wrong, if it’s what Olavi wants, it is what I want, anything to make him happy.”
“What about Elias then?” Emma asked, not ready to accept it like Aino apparently had.
“Elias,” Aino whispered, “He loved you, he loved us… I’ve thought about it, I’ve read his letter over and over again and… as strange as it may sound, I feel partly grateful now, to Alexander. He gave Elias some kind of hope and love during his last months, giving him comfort and just… kindness, warmth, I can see why my brother fell in love with him and I am glad Alexander was there with him. Now we know, now I we can lay him to rest and say goodbye.” Aino said, wondering if she really could let go of it so easily. It started to rain then.

“Elias! Anneli! Come inside!” Emma called the two children, standing up, partly glad of the interruption. Talking about her childhood love and what he had gone through, wasn’t easy and for her and it wasn’t easy to let go.

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When Aino told Olavi about their adopted parents arriving, she could tell he wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t say it, didn’t say much anything, but nodded his head showing his understading.
“It’s a beautiful evening, won’t you go for a walk with me?” Aino suggested finally. Olavi sat on his bed and looked out. After the rain the sun was gently peeking from behind the clouds, the warm evening sun painting the glistening scenery with gold. He was silent for a while, thinking about it, then he looked back at Aino, he knew how worried she had been for him, part of him felt guilty, especially after what he had almost ended up doing.
“Alright, I suppose fresh air would do me good,” he agreed and stood up. It was two nights since he had asked for some space from Alexander and he still wasn’t sure what he should do, he missed the man, his heart ached to be with him, but the nightmares and the thought of his brother held him back from inviting him in.

They walked outside, in the garden at first, staying close to the house until they decided to walk over to their house.
“How are you feeling?” Aino asked softly.
“Better I guess, I’m alright.”
“Are you?” Olavi glanced at her, “well, you seem to be lost in your own thoughts and I wonder about the reason. I mean…” she hesitated, “I know he’s been sleeping in your room, I know about you two.” Olavi was slightly shaken, of course a part of him had already known that Aino knew, but still, talking about it with her? “Do you love him?” Aino continued, seeing his uncertainty to reply.
“I-“ Olavi started, wrapping his arms around him, “yes,” he confessed, “but…”
“But what?”
“It’s not that simple anymore, is it?”
“Because of Elias?” Olavi was again surprised by her straight forwardness.
“Hmh, yes and because…”
“You have done nothing wrong,” she told him, “what happened, it wasn’t your fault and… if you love him, then…” she reached to take his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze, “whatever you decide, I love you, whatever you end up doing, I’m with you. I protect you, even lie for you, anything.” Olavi smiled at her, squeezing her hand back.
“Thank you,” he whispered, feeling grateful and at the same time… Aino would have to lie for them, she knew and…It didn’t feel right to make her lie…And when their stepparents would arrive, then… “If you’re with me, I think I can bear this, I can bear anything.” Olavi answered just the same, his mind however twirling with these new doubts and questions. Aino smiled at him and kissed his cheek gently. They continued to walk, silence settling between them.

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Olavi sat on the steps of the house, gazing far out to the horizon, darkness was slowly setting, last light of the sun, cold breeze blew past him, stopping to play in his hair for a while before continuing its lonesome journey .He brought his knees closer to his chest, his hands close to his mouth, rubbing them, blowing gently to get warmer. The autumn was near, evenings were getting colder.

Finally he saw him, he was walking towards the house and when Alexander saw him waiting, his face revealed his surprise.
“Hey, what are you doing out so late?” Alexander asked as he made his way closer.
“I was waiting for you,” Olavi replied, smiling at him.
“Were you really?” Alexander sat down next to him, wanting to touch him, to kiss him, but he fought with the urge.
“Yes,” Olavi looked at him, took his hand in his and looked down, smiling still, the smile wasn’t happy, nor was it sad, it lingered somewhere in between. “Our adopted family will arrive here next week,” he told him. Unsure what to say, Alexander waited, “I am almost certain, that they’ll want me to go back with them.” He looked at the man, “I’m 16, they are my legal guardians, part of me wonders… Part of me wants to stay here, other part wants to leave, thinking that maybe it would be easier… There’s…” He made a pause, looking around, “I don’t know if I can live my life here now, after everything. I know, it’s a small village and people are already talking… How can I ever look them in the eye?”
“No one knows of…” Alexander started, but the look Olavi gave him was enough to silence him.
“I do love you, Alexander,” Olavi whispered, “and I know I always will…it’s just…” The man understood what he was trying to say,
“The time is not ready for us…maybe one day…” he started, but shook his head. Olavi took his hand.
“Come with me, I-I wish you’d sleep in my room tonight?” He asked in a whisper,
“Are you sure?” there was a simple nod, a hesitant smile, and slowly they stood up, walking into the dark house and into the boy’s room.

Laying in the dark, close to each other on the narrow bed, hesitant kisses, hesitant touches, but no more, sleep was not easy to catch that night. Alexander didn’t want for it to end, he didn’t want to leave and not see Olavi ever again, but he also knew that he couldn’t stay. With the fall, with the house ready, he would have no excuse to stay and Olavi was right, it was a small village, people would talk and… Olavi snuggled closer to him,
“I love you…” he whispered, Alexander tightened his hold, kissing his forehead, “if I could have… if there was a chance... if only I’d wake up and find the world different, the world where… you and I had a chance… Do you think it can ever be possible?” Olavi asked.
“Perhaps, things change fast, maybe… one day.”
“But it will be a day too late for us, won’t it?” Olavi noted with a sorrowful tone, silence settled between them. Neither of them wanted to let go, but neither knew what to do. In his mind Alexander cursed Vladimir who had taken so much from them, from Olavi. Before Vladimir, before that day… He paused this trail of thought, had there ever been hope? Had they ever had a future together? Maybe it had always been a dream and their dream had just met the most gruesome awakening. Alexander stared at the ceiling, he just didn’t want to say goodbye again, but what could he do?


TBC.