Of Truth and Trust

Just a quick couple of notes. This fic was written as a one-on-one RP (role-play), so the focus of the POV changes for the characters being played. My cowriter and I based this off of the famous manga "Kaze to Ki no Uta," though you don't need to know the story to follow this one.

// =thoughts
* =emphasis

Thanks for reading--I hope you enjoy.


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Of Truth and Trust
Chapter 17

It was an unusually warm day for late March, and Nathanial found he didn’t want to be inside when the sun was so bright. He and Christopher finished their studying early and hurried to catch some light before it set for the night. They talked idly, commenting on their plans for the upcoming Easter holiday--Christopher going abroad with his family, Nathanial again staying at the school. Nathanial smiled as a warm breeze washed over his face, pausing in the thick gardens behind the chapel. “I hope this means spring will be coming early,” he commented. “The dorms are beginning to make me feel claustrophobic.”

“I know what you mean,” Christopher replied easily. “It will be nice to be out in open country.” He watched Nathanial a moment as they continued on, his face thoughtful and vaguely troubled. “How have you been doing?” he asked, somewhat more quietly than a moment ago. “With…everything. Everyone.”

“Hmm?” He glanced at the other curiously. “I have been fine, actually. I wrote to Charles, and he replied to say he and Collin were already settled at their new school.” He smiled, faintly but with a bit of sadness. “Things…should have been different, but Charles said they’re both very well, so I am glad.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” //Though that wasn’t what I meant.// He hesitated a bit longer before finally gathering his courage enough to ask, “What about Sebastian?” He hadn’t heard anything for a long time, so he assumed all was well; and that, he was ashamed to admit, worried him more than anything.

Somehow, he wasn’t surprised to hear Christopher ask that--he’d almost expected it, in some way. “He’s doing well. I have been helping him with his Latin in exchange for algebra assistance; I would probably be failing if not for him.” //Things have been rather quiet, too.// Though he had given up his “decision” to not become involved with his roommate any longer, he had kept things fairly casual between them. Now and again, usually on the weekends, they would end up side by side, sleeping in Nathanial’s bed, but nothing further than they had already done. Nathanial knew that his reluctance was tough on the other, but…he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure when he would be.

//That’s not what I mean!// Christopher stopped walking abruptly, tug tog to face the other straight on. “I mean, the two of you,” he said. “That is, I don’t mean to pry--it’s certainly not my business, but I wonder about you, Nathan.” He glanced away in embarrassment. “I…worry.”

Nathanial walked a few more steps before stopping as well. “You do not need to worry about me, Christopher,” he replied, turning to face his friend. //I…know what you are asking.// “We are fine.”

“That’s what concerns me,” Christopher said before he could think better of it. He smoothed his hair back nervously. //Nathanial…am I being a fool?// He took a step closer. “I don’t doubt you, Nathan. But I can’t help but think you’re making a mistake about him. I don’t think Sebastian…I don’t think he’s right for you.”

Nathanial frowned. “Christopher, what exactly are you implying?” he asked, trying to keep his voice light. //He just…does not understand. He does not know about us.// He tried a faint smile. “It is not as if we are getting wed, you know.”

“I know. But I simply….” Christopher’s fingers curled in frustration as he tried to find the right words. At last he set his hands on Nathanial’s shoulders, instructing himself not to hold him too tightly. “Nathan, not him. I know you sympathize with him--I won’t stand to see him ruin you.”

“Christopher.” He shook his head, setting his hands on the other’s wrists. “He is not going to ‘ruin’ me. After all this time, do you think I do not understand him? What he does? He is my *friend*, Christopher.” Nathanial started to step away. “As I said, you need not worry over me.”

//No, I know better. I know him! Why….// He cringed slightly. //Why did it have to be him? Him…and you….//

Christopher pulled the younger boy forward suddenly, shaking a little as he pressed their lips firmly together. //Please understand. I can’t lose you to him!//

Startled, Nathanial couldn’t move for a moment, too taken off guard to respond. A tremor went through him, and he turned his head away, breath catching. “Christopher--” His eyes lowered, confused by his friend’s actions. “You….”

“I’m sorry.” Christopher tugged him closer again, pressing his cheek to the top of Nathanial’s hair. //I’m going to ruin everything. But I can’t just….// “I do believe in you, but…not him.” He trembled as he pressed his eyes tightly shut. “If…you need someone…if you…if you’re merely lonely, I….” //Nathan, please….“…Na“…Nathan, I….”

//Just…lonely.// He shuddered, and gently tried to pry the older boy’s arms off of him. “Christopher I…it’s not….” //No, it’s not like that. Sebastian and I are not like that. It’s not…because I am lonely.// Nathanial finally managed to put some distance between them. “It’s not like that.”

“But then why?” Christopher asked almost desperately. His insides were twisting painfully in frustration and injustice. “Why Sebastian, who does nothing but hurt and manipulate those around him? After everything he’s done, all the people he’s taken advantage of…why him, and not m--”

Christopher stopped himself before he could finish; he took a step back in retreat. //Nathanial….// “I’m sorry,” he whispered, lowering his gaze. “It’s…not my concern. Is it.”

Nathanial backed away. //Christopher, you….// He was silent for a long moment, listening to the wind in the trees above his head. “He’s hurting, too,” he murmured, not even meaning to speak, but the words came out anyway. “Yes, he can be cruel, and I do not condone that. And maybe he will hurt me, but…knowing that, I will be able to handle it. He will not ruin me.” Nathanial stepped suddenly forward, trying to meet his friend’s eyes. “It’s not a matter of you or him, Christopher. I never…thought of it that way.”

//So, he never considered me to begin with. I was never….// Christopher took a deep breath and forced himself to lift his head, meeting Nathanial’s gaze with a shaky smile. “I’m sorry. I spoke ill of you both, and yet…I know nothing. You really do care for him.” His insides were still aching but he did his best not to let it show. “Forgive me.”

“Christopher, please.” He caught the older boy’s shoulders. //I do not want to hurt him--I don’t want to hurt anyone!// “We are not lovers,” he said, willing his friend to understand. “He is my friend, as you are.” //But he’s more…he’s more than that, but…. Christopher, I do not want to hurt you, but I do not want you to…get the wrong idea.// “I do care for him--and you--but…I am not ready for that.” His fingers curled before Nathanial pulled away. “I am not…ready.”

“I know.” Christopher stepped forward once more, just long enough to place an innocent kiss aga Nat Nathanial’s forehead. “I’m sorry--I didn’t mean to cause such a fuss. I only….” He sighed as he stepped back once more. “I care about you, Nathan.” //More than you know.// “I won’t question you anymore, but I’m here, if you…might ever need me.”

Nathanial nodded. “Thank you, Christopher. I appreciate that,” he said truthfully. //I think…I need to be alone.// “Listen, I need to go meet with one of my teachers, and it would probabl bes best before dinner. Shall I see you then?” //I’m sorry to lie, but…damn it.//

“Of course. Later, then.” Christopher took another step back, as if confirming to himself that he truly was about to leave. Smiling in an attempt to maintain some kind of peaceful atmosphere between them he turned to go. //I shouldn’t have said anything. I only hope…I haven’t ruined anything.//

Nathanial slipped off quickly, heading for the chapel. It…would be empty, at this time, and he needed someplace peaceful.

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When Sebastian returned after dinner he found his roommate reading on his bed, so casually. He stood still for a moment, watching him, his eyes a bit unfocused. He'd been hearing rumors all afternoon, they spread so quickly around the school--someone had seen Christopher's kiss on the grounds earlier. For the most part, Sebastian wasn't concerned; Christopher had a way of poking his attention where it didn't belong, nothing more or less.

//But Nathan....// Frowning slightly, Sebastian closed the door behind him and made his way purposefully across the room, seating himself on Nathanial's bed. Without hesitating he pushed the boy's book aside and stole a firm kiss from his lips.

Nathanial blinked, startled by the sudden affection. He didn't try to push Sebastian away, even if there was a twinge of what felt strangely like guilt at the back of his throat. After a moment he gently urged his roommate back, wondering...what had brought this about. "Sebastian?"

"Hey." Sebastian settled himself a little more, leaning on his elbow so that one hand was free to explore the lines of his face. "I 't s't see you at dinner," he said casually, running his fingertips down the side of Nathanial's neck to tease at his collar. "Are you feeling all right?"

Nathanial slowly relaxed against his pillow and headboard, drawn in by his roommate's dark eyes. "I am fine," he replied, resting his book over his stomach. "I...just was not very hungry, I guess. I shall probably regret it later, though." He tilted his head slightly into Sebastian's touch, the skin beneath those fingers warming.

Sebastian's eyes thinned a little as he smiled. //That's right. He's still mine.// "I still have some snacks," he offered, continuing his gentle touch. He leaned in to offer Nathanial another kiss; slowly, deeply, with all the romantic charm he could muster--which was quite a bit, in his opinion. "Don't I always look after you?" he whispered against soft lips when he finally pulled back.

Nathanial shivered a bit--Sebastian was being sweeter than usual. "I suppose so," he replied, perhaps a bit breathlessly. //It's...been a while. But....// Memories of that afternoon momentarily dampened his spirits, but they slowly melted when Sebastian shifted closer. //Christopher...I am sorry, but it is not like you said. It's never been about you or him....//

//He did kiss him. It's all in his face.// Sebastian’s eyes gleamed a bit more seriously, but his smile didn't fade. "I heard some interesting rumors today," he murmured, pausing to nibble at the corners of Nathanial's lips. "They've made me...very curious."

Nathanial's eyelids drooped, fingers curling around the edges of his book. "Oh?" It was difficult to tell if Sebastian was being playful or not. His lips moved unconsciously with the other'souraouragements. "Curious of…what?"

"What it must have been like for you." He was speaking truthfully, for the most part, making his questions quite natural. "You've never kissed anyone other than me, isn't that right?" He ran his fingers tenderly through Nathanial's hair, following the indentations of the oil. "I remember Christopher. His lips were always very firm--didn't you think so?"

Nathanial lowered his head a bit, feeling that strange guilt rise up again. It…wasn't like Sebastian hadn't kissed others after him. But he…. "I did not kiss him," he replied softly. "He…kissed me." //Christopher did. Christopher who is my friend, has always been my friend...and nothing more. Why do Il…lil…like….//

Sebastian, more pleased than he should have been, chuckled against his forehead. "It's all right, Nathan, I'm not upset. I just wanted to know. What did he say?" He slid his hand low once more to rub coaxingly at Nathanial's chest. "Did he say I was no good for you?"

Nathanial started to answer, but paused and fell silent again. //I...do not want Christopher in trouble. If I tell Sebastian, he might....// He hated feeling that he couldn't trust his roommate, but.... "He said he would honor my decisions," he finally replied. //I am sorry, Christopher. But my decision is....//

Sebastian chuckled again. //That was a careful answer. I don't blame him, though.// "It's all right. I know what he thinks of me better than anyone." He coaxed Nathanial's lips up into a kiss. "And so? What is your decision?"

Nathanial smiled, faintly and with relief. //He will not do anything.// "You know me well, do you not?" he teased, one hand reaching up to play his fingers against the fabric of his shirt. "What I think?" //If I did not care for you, I would not still be here, would I?// He turned his nose against Sebastian's temple, slowly breathing him in. "Is all this not answer enough?"

Sebastian was still for a moment, oddly quieted by the sincerity of those gestures. Despite all his games, he was still a little unused to such tenderness being reflected toward him. He snorted quietly. "It'll do." He pushed Nathanial down against the mattress once more and kissed him, more forcefully than before, until his breath began to run out and his lips tingled.

Nathanial’s breath left him in a shaky sigh. “That….” He managed a faint chuckle, fingers curling around Sebastian’s shirt. “Is everything okay?” he asked softly. “You…are a little more…intense tonight.” Flushing faintly with his own words, Nathanial tilted his head for a slower, less urgent kiss.

Sebastian allowed it, even waited for Nathanial to lead them in the kiss for a while. //He’s right. I’m a little different tonight.// “You know,” he said idly as he dipped to spread his lips over Nathanial’s throat. “If you’re curious, I don’t mind. Everyone has a different feel, a different taste. It’s only natural to want to experiment a little.” He settled a little more of his weight across the other. “It might even be good for you.”

Sebastian’s words gave him a sudden idea, a curious notion that made him smile faintly. //He says that, but his body….// “Sebastian, are you….” His fingers curled. “You are not jealous, are you?” he asked lightly, almost teasing. //He says to go to another, then does this….//

Sebastian laughed as he sat up, his head tossing slightly as if having pulled himself from deep water. He felt suddenly lightheaded now that he was breathing cool air away from Nathanial’s smell. “Jealous?” he echoed, and he thumped Nathanial lightly on the chest. “Come now, Nathan, you know me better than that. I’m merely saying, maybe it’ll benefit you both if you give Christopher what he wants.”

Nathanial settled back into the mattress, glad to see such an expression on his friend’s face, to hear his laughter. After Collin…. “I could not do that,” he replied, setting his thoughts aside. “Christopher is my friend--that is all.” //He’s…different from Sebastian. He does not make me….// His hands fell back to his stomach, resting over his book.

Sebastian grinned, reaching down abruptly to ruffle his roommate’s hair. “That’s so sweet,” he chuckled. “Downright adorable.” //A lot of the people I’ve slept with I couldn’t even call that much. Though…I haven’t been sleeping around lately. Haven’t really felt like it….// “Aren’t you even a little curious?” he persisted, returning his hand to rub at Nathanial’s chest.

Closing his eyes, Nathanial sighed quietly at the touch. “No,” he said honestly. His lips curled. //He’s being almost playful now.// “You have not left me time or strength to wonder.” He played his fingers over Sebastian’s wrist, encouraging.

Sebastian almost faltered again, unsure as to how to deal with all of this. He almost wanted to pull back, and was grateful Nathanial couldn’t see the expression. //Why do I suddenly feel so strange?// But he didn’t stop his hand from moving, and even added the other in a further massage. “I must be doing something right, then,” he teased at last, and he gave Nathanial a little pinch.

He squirmed a little. “Or you are insatiable,” he suggested, still smiling. It had been a while since they had played like this--he’d missed it, more than he wanted to admit. Nathanial raised his eyes. //He’s warm, but….// “What’s wrong?”

“Hmm? Nothing.” One hand plucked Nathanial’s glasses off his face, while the other reached for his book. “It’s just I haven’t found anyone quite as easily satisfied as you,” he laughed, placing both objects aside so he could continue his caress without obstruction. He slid his hands up to Nathanial’s face and through his hair, then dragged them over his neck, shoulders, chest, and stomach.

Sighing, Nathanial’s fingers curled and drew abstract patterns against Sebastian’s knees, not wanting to get in the other’s way. //He’s stronger than he looks. Sebastian….// “Feels goode mue murmured before regaining his senses. “Is that…a bad thing? Being easily satisfied….” //It’s not like…I would know.//

“Maybe…maybe not.” He didn’t want to talk about this any more. Sebastian climbed up on the bed, slowly--so as not to startle his companion--settling over him. “Unfortunately,” he murmured thickly, “I’m not all that easily satisfied. Don’t worry--I won’t ask for too much.” He resumed his massage, enjoying all qui quiet sounds it elicited from Nathanial’s soft voice. “Just....” He tickled the boy’s cheek faintly. “I want you to watch me.”

Nathanial felt a touch of unease at the other’s words, but he let them go; Sebastian had never pushed him further than he wanted to go, and he trusted him to keep that pattern. As requested, he raised his eyes to meet his roommate’s brilliant green gaze. //He’s…really beautiful. His hair and eyes….// “Is that it?” he whispered.

“Just watch me,” Sebastian instructed gent He He undid the first few buttons of Nathanial’s shirt--only a few, just enough so he could get his fingertips on warm skin. He trusted his face to show all that he was feeling; excitement, awe, and mischief flickered behind his eyes as he, in turn, watched Nathanial’s breathless features. By now he knew Nathanial’s body well, and he easily sought out the more sensitive areas between his ribs, over his stomach. After a moment he settled one hand low over Nathanial’s abdomen, rubbing gently. //Here--right here. Can you feel it, Nathan, like I do?//

Nathanial murmured wordlessly as hismachmach trembled and tightened, his head tilting back so that their eye contact was nearly broken. //I….// It wasn’t fair that Sebastian could do this to him--he was all but helpless beneath the other boy’s knowing fingers. His own hands pawed faintly at Sebastian’s thighs, wanting to touch as well, wanting to please him as best he could. “‘Bastian….”

//If only you knew how easy it is, Nathan. How easy it is to be touched and pleasured like this, by anyone at all.// “Is that it?” he echoed his roommate teasingly. He leaned back a little, arching his back slightly as he sighed, just to give Nathanial the idea. //He looks good like he is now--so innocent, so eager.// Slowly he began to lower himself once more, on his arms, bringing them closer together so he could taunt Nathanial with whispered kisses.

Chuckling breathlessly, Nathanial gathered his strength and courage to catch his roommate, cupping his face in his hands and pulling him down for a more satisfying contact. “Sebastian….” He bent a single knee, pressing into the boy gently. “Someday…I will get you,” he said lightly. “I shall pay you back…for all your teasing.”

Sebastian laughed as he stole another, deeper kiss. “I’ll look forward to it,” he promised. //It will certainly be an interesting event, in any case.// “Touch me,” he said suddenly, pressing his elbows into the mattress on either side of Nathanial’s head so that he was surrounded. “Mm, just touch me for a while. You always feel good.”

Though Nathanial couldn’t boast Sebastian’s skills, or even that he knew the boy’s body as well as Sebastian knew his, there were a few things he’d learned. He spread his fingers through thick red hair, eventually moving down his body to his hips and back. Nathanial spread soft kisses to his cheeks, lips, and forehead. He tried to add some strength to his caress, but Sebastian was too close to allow him much movement.

Sebastian remained still during the treatment, sighing quietly in encouragement when Nathanial found sensitive areas of skin. It did feel good, like it always did, even if…it subdued him. There was something about Nathanial’s innocent caresses that stole his strength every time. Usually it would spur him into some greater strength, some protest, but tonight he was somehow content to remain quiet. //Nathan…what have you done to me?// He pressed his forehead into Nathanial’s neck as he relaxed further against him.

Nathanial happily accepted Sebastian against him, promptly burying his nose in thick hair. There was a faint citrus smell from the boy’s favored oranges. He worked his hands with more confidence into Sebastian’s back, and he hummed softly as he curled against him. //I wonder if he really is okay. He’s usually…not this calm. Not that I am complaining….//

Sebastian felt the strength gradually go out of him, and with a tiny sigh he fell slowly onto his side next to his companion. “I’m tired,” he declared, rubbing at Nathanial’s stomach once more as he twisted their legs together. “I think I’ll fall asleep right here. All right?” He nibbled at Nathanial’s ear. “Unless you’d rather share my bed, for a change,” he suggested impishly.

Nathanial shook his head slightly, not wanting to lose those lips. “Here is fine,” he murmured. //I…am not ready for that.// Shifting closer, he became aware of their positions--usually he was on his side with Sebastianssedssed up against his back. Now they faced each other. Nathanial slid his arms hesitantly around Sebastian’s ribs, wondering if they’d stay. “Stay here.”

“Okay.” Feeling quieted once more Sebastian kissed the boy’s temple as they settled. “You can…finish your reading, if you want,” he suggested, even as he was curling his fingers in Nathanial’s soft hair. “I can sleep with the lights on--it’s just been a long day.”

Chuckling softly, Nathanial touched a kiss to the end of Sebastian’s nose. “Why do I feel that if I chose to read, you would make me regret it?” He wiggled out of his roommate’s hold just enough to douse the light before returning. He didn’t bother with a blanket--Sebastian was warm enough for them both.

Sebastian shifted u he he was comfortable, tucking Nathanial’s head under his chin almost protectively. //Whatever he’s doing to me…I don’t mind, for now. I like it here.// He rubbed lightly at his companion’s shoulders and back as he encouraged him closer. “Now, Nathan, I would never keep you from your studies,” he said lightly, even as he slipped a hand lower to pinch his backside.

Nathanial snorted--an unusual sound for him--but wriggled closer all the same. His forehead was pressed tightly to his roommate’s chest, and he could faintly feel the light beat of his pulse. “Of course not, which is why I can barely breathe.” He slid his arms around Sebastian’s waist and pulled himself stubbornly closer.

Sebastian smiled faintly as he returned his hand to Nathanial’s back. “Little tease.” He twisted their legs comfortably together, trying to bury some of his ridiculous sentimentality in a little more contact. “I’m about to fall asleep, in any case.”

As Nathanial was already yawning while Sebastian spoke, he nodded easily, shifting to better get used to the feel of their tangled limbs. “S’fine,” he murmured. “I am…too.” //I like this. I like sleeping like this. Sebastian….// Smiling, he took one last, deep breath, holding his roommate’s thick scent in him. “Good night, Sebastian….”

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