Ghost of you

Thank you to my reviewers!

teeta: yes sad it was, and once again thank you for your support, dunno what I’d do whithout you, lol, and it was milkchocolat ^_^
womo; glad you caught up! It might not be so bad, not to miss him that much anymore, life continues on.
SODA; scare you, huh? Well the ghost is rather helpful as you soon will find out, hehe
Yblue; yes I know you like tha pain, hehe, this chapter will solve a lot.
Blindwhisper: thank you, and I try to remember to go and correct that word ^.^
Mitts: maybe he will succeed? Maybe? This will answer to those questions.
Gothikah: you know even I keep changing my mind between the two of them, would Alexander been happier whit Elias? Would it have worked between them in different time? But I do like Olavi too, very much so.
SilentTears; here it is now. I think, it is his ghost to guide Alexander, but readers can decide what they think of it, hallusination or ghost. ^.^

BETAD by: teeta
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Chapter 16


“My father told me you were hurt, he said I shouldn’t come, but I wanted to see you.” Hanna told to the boy, who lay on the bed, gazing out with such a blank expression that scared her. “I brought you some cake, I baked it myself. Would you like a taste?” She offered then. He blinked his eyes, but said nothing and did not even look at her.

“What happened to you?” She asked then, frustrated of not knowing. There were all kinds of rumours going around, but none could tell for certain what had happened to the boy. Something horrible it had been and Hanna knew that her father knew about it. He had come home late that evening, it was almost night. His clothes had been covered in filth and he had taken a drink the first thing. Her father only drank on rare occasions; his face had been white and she had seen how his hands had trembled. “Go to your room Hanna!” He had shouted at her, taking his second drink, gulping it down. She wanted to know if Olavi was alright, the man she had every intention of marrying, making other girls in their village green with jealousy. But her father had silenced her, forbade her to go and see him. He was alive, that was all that he was willing to tell her. Now she finally decided to see him for herself.

“Olavi?” She asked, when she got no reply from him. But the boy remained expressionless, so not like himself. And tears fell from her eyes, landing on her lips. “Talk to me, please say something?” She begged.

“I think you should leave Hanna, I’m feeling tired.” He said then, still not looking at her.
“But … Olavi?”
“There is nothing to say Hanna. Please leave.” Even his voice sounded hollow. Swallowing up her tears, she left the cake on the table and turned to leave.

Olavi watched her as she stepped out of the room, closing the door after her, he was alone once more, just how he preferred it, how he thought he did.


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The sun was shining, endless sunshine, warm, hot, he wanted it to rain. He would welcome rain, grey sky instead of the baby blue. It was how he felt inside; grey. What was the point?
The child's laughter echoed from outside, he closed his eyes.

There was nothing, the laughter would always eventually die and then there would be nothing but pain left. His heart… What it had felt like to taste the feeling of happiness, how warm he had felt drinking the sweetness of first love. What it had felt like to… But it was a lie, he had been caught up in a lie and yet he missed it, praying that he could return back in time, that he could relive that dream of love. But the world was nothing but lies, love was nothing but lies and he didn’t have the energy to walk the long, lonely path of misery and sorrow.

He didn’t have the energy to smile, to pretend that nothing had changed, so that others could still relish the sweetness of living in lies, the sweetness of not seeing how dark it really was and how fragile the walls where, how easily and suddenly they could break around them. For them he hoped, that they’d never find out what he knew.

He saw nothing but darkness ahead of him, he saw his life… there was nothing, not even a hint of light to walk towards to. He weighted others down with him, to the darkness from where he could not climb up from, his sister, Aino… all she did was cry now, he heard her at nights, saw the tears whenever she would look at him. If he were gone, they’d free from his hold, they’d be able to climb back toward where the sun was, where the laughter was, maybe they’d be able to walk through the path of life without falling, without seeing. What good did it make to know what he knew?

And that was why he got up from his bed that night. The reason he took the piece of paper, took a hold of the pen, feeling such odd calmness whit every word that he wrote down.
“My dear sister, I am leaving. A choice I make, only choice that feels right. I am tired and I cannot bring myself to walk this path, every step feels too heavy for me to take. Forgive me, forgive that I cannot be stronger, that I cannot stay. You’ll do fine, I know. I love you, you’ve been my world, my rock, my sister, my best friend and I thank you for all the love you’ve given me.
Good bye, your loving brother: Olavi.”

He sneaked out to the chill morning air, with the first light of the sun coming from between the clouds and it was almost as if in a dream that he walked. The voice of his brother, the cold fateful night, he remembered his voice now, remembered how he had smiled, how he had held him and Aino in his arms when they had been scared of the bombing. How had their lives come to this? Why had it happened to them? And Alexander…His lips trembled, after everything he still loved the man and it was the hardest part of it all, he didn’t know how to stop loving him, it felt easier to… felt easier to walk toward what would end his suffering, walk towards the end.

The birds were singing; he hardly heard them.

He reached the lake, soft morning mist playing on the mirror-like surface. He felt calm, feeling the fresh air fill his nostrils, the soft breeze on his skin. He took his shoes off. The sand under his feet, between his toes. He stepped closer to the shore line, looking up towards the sky. It would end soon and he’d be free of his memories, free of the pain that still held him. He walked forward, determined, trembling as he felt how cold it was. Such a beautiful morning, such a perfect day. He felt calm, for the first time in days; he felt calm. Tears fell from his eyes, but again he looked toward the sky and smiled.


-Alexander.-

“The sky is so clear, the water… so cold…He feels cold, it’s warm where I am, he longs for it, do not let him… Your warmth is better Sascha,” The words repeated themselves over and over again in his mind, almost screaming at him, he was screaming at him. And the whole walk back to the house, he felt such restlessness. Olavi. He needs you. And though the boy would hate him, though he would scream at him to leave, Alexander found compelled to go to the boy’s room, only to find his bed empty, only to find the letter on the table and with trembling hands he read it. It all became clear to him right then and he did not waste time when he rushed out, when he ran towards the lake as fast as he could. He had to make it in time, if he didn’t make it in time everything would collapse. He wouldn’t be able to take it, he had to be there in time. Taste of blood in his mouth, but he didn’t stop to rest, breathing heavily, almost stumbling over, he ran.

“Olavi!” He called and when he reached the lake he saw him, just as the boy’s head disappeared under. And he ran to the water, swimming, diving under, grasping the fragile body and pulling him up with him. Olavi coughed the water, fighting as the man dragged him closer to the shore.

“I want to die!” The boy screamed. “Let go of me, I want to die!” He cried and the man looked at the boy with the urge to shake him awake.
“That was so stupid of you! Don’t you ever try anything like that again! So stupid Olavi! Why?? Why did you do that? Why??” He shook him, not letting go, anger clear in his voice and the boy cried.
“Why not?? What is there left for me? I am no good to anyone any more, no one would want me now! I’m tired, I can’t go on! I can’t breathe anymore! Why do you care!?”Alexander breathed tensely.
“I love you, I care for you, more than I can ever tell you.”
“You loved my brother, it’s not me you love, it’s his memory…”
“No, it’s true I loved him, but I also love you. Your brother was forced to end his life, I was forced to watch it. Do not force me to watch yours, do not kill me by killing yourself. I love you, you are my life, you cannot wake me and then leave me.”
He held the boy, kissing his forehead, his cheeks. Holding the wet body tightly against his own. “Do not slip away from me.” Olavi could do nothing but cry in the man’s arms and he held him. It was all so confusing, so overwhelming. “It feels hard now, but in time it gets better, it gets easier. Let me be here for you, let me help you. I miss you, I miss your laughter.” Alexander whispered, feeling as the younger one shook.
“It hurts so much…” Olavi whispered. “It never ends, the pain… I can’t breathe, it hurts so much to breathe…” He was gasping for breath, tears, endless tears.
“Let it out, just let it out, scream…” Alexander whispered to him and so the boy did scream, on the top of his lungs, he screamed from the pain that had gathered up inside of him. He screamed for the death of his brother, screamed from the pain of the knowledge that they both had loved the same man and he cried of the agony he himself had been forced to go through. Finally, feeling exhausted, he let himself relax in Alexander’s strong arms.

And the man carried him from the water to the shore, kissing the smooth skin of his cheeks. Brushing the wet hair from his forehead. “It will be alright,” he whispered reassuringly and Olavi simply looked at him, into his eyes and faintly he nodded his head. “Let’s take you home and out of these wet clothes.” Again he nodded and he let him carry him, all the while looking at him silently. He wanted to trust him, use his strength to go on.

It was still early, everyone else was asleep. Olavi changed his clothes and Alexander wrapped him under the blanket in bed, staying close to him, stroking his forehead gently.

“Tell me the truth, tell me about my brother… I need to know the truth, please?” Olavi asked quietly. Alexander sighed.
“If you wish, then, I will tell you.” And he did tell him, he told it the way he remembered it; told him how close they had been to escape and that in the end, Elias had been the brave one, saving him. And Olavi listened quietly, carefully, wanting to understand and he cried and Alexander cried and Olavi carefully reached out to take the man’s hand in his, looking into Alexanders eyes then he finally saw the hint of light, a small fire of hope.
“We will get through this Olavi, I won’t let you fall, just… please don’t slip away.”
And for a moment Olavi was silent, looking at their joined hands, the back up.
“I won’t,” he whispered. “I wasn’t thinking, please don’t tell my sister what I almost did?”
“I won’t, I promise.”
“Hold me?” He asked opening his arms to him, inviting him close and Alexander did. They lay there, wrapped up in each others arms, whispering, promising, it would all turn out alright. Just how they didn’t know, but they didn’t want to worry about it now.

Finally they fell asleep that way. It was Aino who found them; hesitantly she stood at the door and watched the two men and how lovingly they had curled up together. She closed the golden cross, the cross that hang on her neck , the one Elias had given her all those years ago, inside her palm, weight of worry slipping away from her shoulders and weakly she smiled.

She turned and closed the door after her, she had feared to lose him, she had seen a dream, a terrible dream and feared not to find him. Anyting would be better than to lose her brother completely, she had become to realise. Even if he were to choose a life with a man, a man she had thought to hate, it would be better than to lose him completely.

She would find the time to talk with them both later.

TBC.