Of Truth and Trust

Just a quick couple of notes. This fic was written as a one-on-one RP (role-playo tho the focus of the POV changes for the characters being played. My cowriter and I based this off of the famous manga "Kaze to Ki no Uta," though you don't need to know the story to follow this one.

// =thoughts
* =emphasis

Thanks for reading--I hope you enjoy.


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Of Truth and Trust
Chapter 16


The next morning Sebastian woke up early, and despite the linge ach ache in his head and throat he slipped easily out of bed. He glanced at Nathanial only briefly to make sure he was still asleep. //Nathan. I know you will not understand this…but I have no choice.// He changed into a fresh shirt and pants, and was reaching for his tie before Nathanial began to stir. //It’s too much to hope you might never know. But I have to remain secure here, or else all I’ve done in the past will have been worth nothing.// “Good morning,” he said at last, smiling as he slipped into his vest and fastened all the buttons.

Nathanial blinked sleepily, feeling strangely groggy. “‘Bastian?” He sat up once he realized his roommate was no longer beside him. Spotting the boy, he reached up to rub at his eyes as if to clear them. “Are you all right?” he asked. “What are you doing?”

“Getting dressed,” Sebastian replied with a laugh, finishing with his tie as well. Glancing at himself in the mirror to make sure he looked tidy enough he swept momentarily at his hair and then reached for the bottle of pain medication that had been so effective the night before. “Will you tell the Fathers I won’t be in class today? I’m sure if they’ve heard the rumors of yesterday’s…scuffle, they’ll understand.”

“Class?” Realizing just how late it was, Nathanial hurried to his feet as well, snatching at his glasses. “Of course I’ll tell them,” he replied, rushing to strip off his wrinkled clothes and pull on a fresh shirt and pants. “If I make it on time.” He struggled into his uniform and sent a puzzled look at his roommate. “What are goingoing to do? You should rest.”

“I will,” he promised. “But I need to take care of something first.” //Some…security. I won’t let that little bastard ruin everything I’ve fought for.// Having finished dressing at last Sebastian moved deliberately to the door and held it open. “Don’t worry, Nathanial. I’ll be tucked away in bed by the time you get back.”

He smiled faintly at that. “Don’t overwork yourself,” he replied, shrugging into his vest and grabbing his tie and bag on the way to the door. Nathanial slipped passed Sebastian. He reached out, giving his hand a brief squeeze. “I’ll be sure to bring your homework as well,” he teased, running down the hall while trying to smooth back his hair at the same time.

Sebastian smiled as he watched the other leave, but once he was out of sight the expression quickly faded. //Don’t…feel ill of me, Nathan. I may simply be a coward after all.// He took a deep breath, closing the door behind him before setting off in the other direction, towards the Dean’s offices.

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Nathanial sat down heavily on Christopher’s bed, his bag having already fallen to the floor in his disbelief. Of all the things he’d never expected to hear…. And on top of everything else--classes, Collin, Charles, the argument--this was almost too much. “Christopher….” He ran a hand back through his hair, needing to have come kind of control. “Tell me…again.”

Christopher sighed sympathetically. “I only heard a while ago myself,” he admitted, “though to tell the truth I was almost expecting it.” //I thought for a moment that maybe Sebastian might have…but no. It’s not like him to show mercy to anyone.// He sighed. “I know it sounds awful, but having Charles expelled is something of a natural retribution from him. And of course Collin left as well—he and Charles are inseparable.” He seated himself next to Nathanial. “But still, it is shocking.”

Nathanial rested his elbows against his knees, just staring at the floor. //Sebastian…why this? Is this how you keep yourself safe?// He didn’t want to believe Christopher’s words, but he knew better. He…knew Sebastian better. “It is shocking,” he replied, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “But perhaps not surprising.” He shook his head and glanced up. “Thank you for telling me, Christopher. I’ve been rather distracted today, and I probably would have gone back without knowing.”

“Of course. And I doubt by now he’s in any shape to tell you himself.” Christopher paused, realizing he hadn’t intended on saying that much. He coughed uncomfortably into his hand and pushed to his feet. “That is, I’m sure he’s still in some pain from yesterday. If you need me to get anything for you two, I’d be happy to run some errands.”

“Thank you, but….” Nathanial continued to watch the other, catching that odd look. //It’s…none of my business, right? I shouldn’t….// “What did you mean?” he asked suddenly. “He was fine this morning—woke and dressed before I was even out of bed.”

Christopher bit his lip. //I shouldn’t. But if I don’t tell him….// “I suppose you have a right to know,” he murmured, realizing that he wanted to do this—he wanted Nathanial to know exactly what his roommate was like, even if it was a selfish desire on his part. //I want him to know; I don’t want him to get any closer to Sebastian not knowing what he really is!// “I don’t know for sure, but theors ors have been around for a long time--whenever Sebastian wants someone expelled, he goes to the Dean.” He looked away, not wanting to see the boy’s face when he told him. “And comes out exhausted. I…can only imagine what someone like Sebastian could use to bargain with….”

Nathanial dropped his gaze quickly, biting his lip to keep from making a sound. //He wouldn’t--no. No, he would. He…would do that, wouldn’t he? God, Sebastian….// He closed his eyes. “I see,” was all he’d say. //I…need to think. I need to go for a walk and think.// Nathanial stood, retrieving his bag. “Thank you, Christopher, for being honest. I’ll see you later, right? To study tomorrow?”

“Yes. But…wait.” Christopher set his hands on the boy’s shoulders, holding him still a moment. “Nathan. You’re being careful, aren’t you?” he asked a little breathlessly. “About Sebastian? I know you two have gotten close, but in the end you must realize what he is, don’t you?” //I…don’t want Nathan to be his. To be like I was.//

He regarded his friend with a serious look. //He…doesn’t know how close we are, but…after this….// “I know,” he replied softly. “At least, I believe I do. But I will be careful, Christopher.” Nathanial patted the taller boy on the shoulder. “I appreciate your concern.”

But Christopher couldn’t bring himself to let Nathanial go as easily as that, and he tugged the other forward briefly in a loose, warm embrace. “I’m here if you need me,” he offered in little more than a whisper. “Please just take care of yourself, Nathan. You deserve better.”

Nathanial smiled faintly, returning the embrace. “Thank you,” he replied simply. He pulled back after a moment, made a bit uneasy by the sudden show of affection. “I will be careful.”

Turning slightly away in embarrassment Christopher let him go. “Thank you.” He swept at his hair, then moved to open the door for his friend. “I’ll talk to you later, all right? Take care.”

“You too.” Nathanial slipped out and headed quickly down the hall.

He wandered the halls of the school, spending some time in the small chapel and study lounge, just trying to put his thoughts together. When it began to grow dark he headed for his room. As he reached the door he realized he hadn’t come to any conclusions--he barely even knew the problems. Nathanial entered with a sigh, looking around for his roommate.

Sebastian glanced over his shoulder at the door. //So, he’s finally back.// He stretched out in bed, dressed in a simple nightshirt and covered only with a thin sheet. He was still sore from that morning and the night before, and every movement made his muscles ache. “Ah, I think it’s finally catching up to me,” he chuckled wearily as he rolled onto his back so he could see Nathanial better. “You’re back awfully late. Did I miss anything in class?”

Nathanial shook his head, setting aside his bag. “Not particularly. Most did not give us any assignments.” He glanced over at Sebastian as he began to loosen his tie and vest. “You were feeling well this morning,” he commented lightly. “I hope you didn’t overdo yourself today.” //Because…now I know. And you know that, don’t you? You could always read me so well….//

Sebastian smirked coolly, though his eyes quickly escaped the other’s face. //Christopher said something. He keeps getting bolder.// “Nothing more than usual,” he offered, almost teasingly. But it wasn’t as satisfying as he’d hoped, and after a moment he turned onto his side once more, away from Nathanial. //I don’t want him to see me like this. He wouldn’t understand.//

He folded his clothes and set them aside, changing into his own nightwear. //Sebastian….// Nathanial raised his gaze, watching his roommate for a long moment. //This is what he is--what he’s like. I should just leave him alone, but Alr Already he was moving closer, lowering himself to sit beside the curled figure. “Are you sore?” he asked quietly.

Sebastian’s eyes thinned as he curled a little tighter, which only made the ache in his lower back worse. He scowled bitterly into his pillow but couldn’t answer anything but the truth. “Yes.” //Don’t do this, Nathan.//

Nathanial regarded him quietly a moment. “Do you want anything?” he tried again. //Sebastian….// He wanted to touch him--just to remind himself of who this was. //Please, I just…. I don’t know. I don’t know.//

“No,” Sebastian answered immediately. He’d built up so much strength that morning and through the day, but it all seemed gone now. He was even…shaking, a little, and that frightened him. //Go away. Don’t look at me!// “I don’t want anything from you.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he murmured. //But…oh well.// Sighing heavily, Nathanial gently patted his roommate’s back “If you change your mind, just let me know. I think I’m going to read in bed for a bit.” //Since I probably won’t sleep.//

“Fine.” Sebastian pulled away from him, feeling suddenly bitter towards his calm, even tone. //How…how dare he.// He wasn’t sure why he was so angry, only that he didn’t want Nathanial so close, so god damned understanding. He tugged the sheet a little higher over his shoulders. //Though damnit, I’m still sore.//

Nathanial silently circled the room, locking their door and putting out all the lights save one near the bed. Taking up one of his few non-scholar reading books, he settled in his bed, propped up against the headboard with his thin pillow. His eyes kept darting to Sebastian, but he ignored the impulse to return to his side.

//I don’t know how to help you, Sebastian,// he said wordlessly, staring at his book without seeing anything. //I want to, but you keep…keep doing these horrible things. Every time I think we come to anersterstanding, that we solve something….// His shoulders hunched a bit. //I…told you I cared about you. That I’d try to help you. What more can I do? Why isn’t this enough?//

Sebastian was silent for some time, staring at the wall as he grew more and more bitter towards his roommate. He knew it was ridiculous--Nathanial had nothing to do with this, and he had no reason to resent him. But the room was too quiet, allowing him to more easily remember all the events of that morning. It made his stomach churn. “Do you think I enjoyed it?” he asked suddenly, his voice turning somewhat sharp.

Nathanial’s fingers curled around his book. “No.” He started to say more, but the words died before reaching his lips. //I try, but…does it ever do any good? I thought I helped, last night. But now….// His eyes remained trained on his book, deciding to wait and see what his roommate might offer to give him a better idea of what to do.

He snorted against his pillow. “Then what the hell are you so upset about?” Sebastian muttered, wincing a little as he stretched out on the bed. “I told you I’d do whatever I have to, to stay here. I…won’t let them think I’m weak.” His fingers curled and whitened around the sheets. “You’ve always known that, so don’t pretend like I’ve betrayed you.”

Nathanial looked up, confused. “I’m not upset,” he replied softly. “I’m not betrayed or angry or even very surprised. I…certainly wish you had done something else, but it’s too late now. I just offered to help you,” he added, voice strengthening a bit. //Because I do care about him, and even if he did something I believe is wrong…it doesn’t change that.// “I know you’re hurting, but I won’t try to help if you don’t want me to, Sebastian.”

//No….// Sebastian turned his face fitfully into his pillow. //I don’t want him to accept it, either.// But he couldn’t fight Nathanial when he sounded so sincere, and so with a quiet murmur he gave in. “Will you…come here?” he asked hoars “I “It hurts….”

Sighing and shaking his head, Nathanial rose and returned to his roommate’s side. He laid his hands lightly against Sebastian’s back, slowly pressing into him. “Where?” he asked simply, already moving them lower. //Probably…here.//

“Lower….” Sebastian choked on a quiet groan, rolling onto his stomach as the gentle hands found his sore muscles. His eyes began to water mysteriously, and he pressed his face firmly into his pillow to hide the bitter tears. //I hate this. I hate it!// His shoulders trembled as he began to cry quietly into thin cotton. //What’s happened to me?//

Nathanial followed the other’s instructions, working his fingers gently into the small of his roommate’s back. //Sebastian…what am I going to do about you?// Keeping one hand where it was, he spread the other through thick red hair. He couldn’t think of anything to say, as nothing seemed appropriate for the moment. Instead he could only offer his presence, doing his best to ease what suffering he could.

Sebastian eventually quieted, keeping his eyes tightly pressed as he listened to the sound of the other boy’s breath somewhere above him. “I don’t understand you,” he murmured once he’d had more than enough of the silence. Though Nathanial’s treatment was stealing the pain from him, it left him feeling a little…empty. “You should know better than anyone, I’m only going to hurt you.” He sighed quietly. “I’m not going to change.”

//So everyone keeps telling me.// Nathanial continued to move his hands, smiling almost sadly at the back of his roommate’s head. “I know,” he said simply. “I know you won’t change, but…it does not follow that you have to suffer alone.” //And I care about you, idiot. That hasn’t changed after all this time, so why would it now?//

“I don’t want you to suffer at all.” Sebastian turned slowly, despite the protests of his yet cramped muscles, onto his back. “Nathan.” But the words he’d planned left him as soon as he laid eyes on the boy, and he sighed, relaxing against the mattress. “Come here,” he said with a weary smile, drawing his hands over Nathanial’s chest. “I won’t suffer, if I can still touch you.”

Nathanial curled his hands over Sebastian’s fingers, holding them still though he did bend down for a brief, soft kiss. “Then don’t suffer,” he replied. “Just rest for now, okay? Everyone will be expecting you to be back tomorrow.” He offered another quick kiss.

Sebastian held him still for a moment longer so he could prolong the kiss. “Don’t go yet,” he whispered between them, trying to pull Nathanial closer. His skin was so soft, so young and warm, he wanted to keep it with him a moment longer to dull the memories. “Stay with me a little longer. It’s not that late yet.”

//Sebastian….// He should have left--Sebastian always did that, always begged, trying to take things further. But maybe…just for a while…. Nathanial shifted to rest on his elbows. If they stayed like this--if he stayed in control--then it would be okay. He slid his fingers through dark hair. “How does your head feel today?” he asked softly.

“Much better,” Sebastian quickly assured, moving his own fingers slightly against his companion’s cheeks and neck. “Still a little fuzzy, but much better.” He coaxed Nathanial into another kiss, sucking lightly on his bottom lip only briefly before letting it go. “I should thank you, Nathan, for takingh goh good care of me.”

He smiled faintly. “You’re welcome.” Nathanial was careful not to rest too much of his weight on the other. There was a faint heat in his face, a shiver in his skin. //All his fault.// Tilting his head, he touched their cheeks together, just enjoying the closeness, the simple affection. He just…wanted to keep things innocent.

Sebastian relented, calming in his advances. He would be content with just this, especially given his fragile condition. “It’ll be Easter Break in a few weeks,” he murmured, gently rubbing Nathanial’s ribs. //Let’s go back to those days--things were so much easier then.// “I’m looking forward to it.”

//I bet you are.// Nathanial took a deep breath, enjoying the other’s hands. “Everything is happening so quickly,” he replied just as softly. “This year…it will be over soon. Too soon….” He sighed against Sebastian’s neck. “It will be strange, leaving here. Too much has happened.”

“It has,” Sebastian agreed, tracing his hands around to Nathanial’s back, then back to his chest. Nothing too provocative--he just wanted to feel him, his every breath and movement. “And it will. But we’ll be back soon enough, won’t Ri Right back here.” He smiled at the thought and gave Nathanial’s ear a light kiss.

Nathanial closed his eyes. “Right here….” //I…I hope so. God, I hope so.// But he didn’t want to think about that--not now. Instead he pressed his nose near Sebastian’s ear, lips whispering over his neck. “Right now, I’m just worried about passing my algebra midterm,” he joked, hoping to lighten the conversation.

Sebastian smiled as he tilted his head back welcomingly. “I might be able to help you with that,” he offered softly, pressing his hands a little lower to rest just above Nathanial’s hips. “I owe you a lot, after all. The least I can do is make sure you pass.”

“You’ve always helped me,” he pointed out, leaning back to meet bright eyes. “If you did not help, I would fail that class in a most miserable fashion.” Smiling, Nathanial plucked at his roommate’s hair. “And you don’t owe me anything,” he continued lightly. “We shouldn’t think that way, should we?”

“No, I suppose not.” //Because I’m still not sure which of us would owe more.// Realizing that he was more tired than he’d thought, he pushed lightly at Nathanial’s chest to ease him back. “Thank you, Nathan. I think I should get some sleep now, if you don’t mind. I’m afraid I’ll be perfectly fine for classes tomorrow.”

He nodded, easily sitting back. “Good. I would not have to explain your absence to Father Anderson again.” Nathanial gave his hand a brief squeeze before standing and heading for his own bed. He blew out the lamp and quickly buried himself beneath his blankets. “Rest well, Sebastian,” he called softly. “Do not let me sleep so late this time.”

“Good night, Nathan.” Sebastian rolled back onto his side, as it was a bit easier on his lower back, and arranged the blankets over him once more. //Thank you. More than you know.//

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