To Become

2:16am - Over

I made myself throw up again yesterday after breakfast. No one has suspected anything yet. At least I don't think so. My throat is starting to hurt. Really bad. It's like I've been screaming for hours, never stopping. A burning pain. I hope everything is okay. No, it doesn't matter.

In the shower yesterday morning, I scrubbed and scrubbed. I have to get the filth off of me if I want to be beautiful. I don't think I got all of it. My skin was red, but Ryan didn't say anything. It's none of his business anyway. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but his words will always haunt me.

I'm out again. At Jack's. He's sleeping. I'm by the window, the street lamps lighting this journal, as to not disturb him. I wish I could go outside and run. I love running. I miss school. I miss Katie. I miss Ryne. The rest of my friends. I didn't even get to run track this year. I wonder how we did. And Ryne with baseball...

I shouldn't be thinking of those things. That part of my life has ended. It's over. This is who I am now. Not a straight A student, not the school track star, not the energetic, sometimes outspoken girl I used to be. I feel dead.

It's late or early I suppose, but the city is always awake. People walking around freely. Sweet dreams. If only.

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6:13am - Roofies?

I just got back to the house. I had to wake Sara up while Ryan was talking to Jack. Something about roofies? Whatever that is. Probably some type of drug considering who he's talking to about it. Maybe I'll ask Greg later.

I guess I'm going to take a shower now. Sara is finally completely awake and still yawning which is making me yawn. It's kind of funny. I'm glad I have her, I just wish it was under different circumstances, but then we never woud have met in the first place. We have each other.

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10:33am - Liar

This morning after all of us were ready for the day, we had breakfast. I was trying not to be noticeable about it, but Megan saw. I told her that it was nothing. That it didn't taste good. I put the eggs in my napkin. Ryan made this apricot orange bread as well. He said that he just wanted to fool around with ingredients. He winked at me. Is it because of my like of spices and herbs? Every bite I took of my piece of bread, I spit it into my milk. No one saw. Good. That's what I was thinking. I wonder what they would do if they found out. I threw away the styrofoam cup and my napkin, laying the plate on the counter.

I went back to my cot and sat. I wanted to do crunches. Exercising used to always take my mind off of other things. I thought it might help. Ryan came over to see what I was doing. He smiled. I stopped and turned away from him then began my crunches again. I thought I heard him walk away, but he was walking towards me. I stopped again and looked up at him from my laying position. "You're doing them sloppy. You need to concentrate more on your ab muscles and go slower." I blinked. Why should he care about how I'm doing them. I'm doing them to get my mind off of him anyway. "I'll show you later." I know how to do crunches. I don't need your help. He sat down, strands of my hair touching his pants.

"Why are you angry?" Why do you think? He always asks the stupidest questions. "You're a little pale. Are you feeling sick?" No. "Are you sure?" Yes. "In pain?" No. That was a bit of a lie. I was in pain. I am in pain. Emotionally and mentally more than physically. Sure last night was a little rough, but that's nothing compared to how I feel inside.

"Megan said that you was putting food in your napkin and then threw it away." Bitch. "Did you?" I told him that she was lying because she hated me and wanted me to get in trouble. "Now why would she lie to me when she knows that she'd be punished for doing so?" I shrugged. Not like I care. "Kyles?" I finally told him that I did do that. He said that if I didn't like it, all I had to do was say so. "You don't have to hide it."

Yeah.

If only you knew.

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5:29om - New

Almost 5:30. I'm extremely tired. I just want to lay down and sleep.

One of the men I was with earlier said that the wind was really blowing outside. I hope it isn't tomorrow. I hope it is a beautiful day outside. I'll lay down in the grass and make shapes out of the clouds. It's a...giraffe! I used to do that with Casey when I was still really young. Ryne and I now go out away from the city lights and gaze at the stars. Did go out. I wish it wasn't past tense.

Some man I've never seen before is talking to Ryan and he keeps looking at me. I'm not sure if I like that or not. I do have to admit that he's kind of cute though. What am I saying? He's probably about to fucking rape me. No, I can't call it that anymore. If I had a choice, I would say no, but since I don't, I let them do it willingly so I don't get in trouble. Therefore the sex is consensual isn't it?

Money dealing. I wonder how much Ryan rented me out for this time.

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A/N:

Don't forget to R&R!