Best Friends Means you Pull the Trigger

Fifteen
(Lie to Me, Bonjovi--- Me cuesta tanto olvidarte, Mecano---Aire Ah, Pedro Marin)

All Michael ever wanted was to keep the tears from Gerald. He had promised himself his friend would never again need anyone’s shoulder to cry on; that he would never suffer again. He could see the heartbreak, he could feel the despair, and yet his mind couldn’t comprehend how his hands had caused it.

“Gerald,” He whispered. He couldn’t tell if he was heard or not. Gerald’s eyes were trained on the ocean, the sobs shaking his body. “Gerald,” he repeated slightly louder.

“You don’t have to.” Gerald repeated, his voice broken and wet.

“What do you mean? I don’t have to?”

Gerald wished the waves would just take him away, he wished he could be part of the ocean, part of its beauty, its art, its perfection. He didn’t want to stand there between the two things he loves, knowing he can never have either of them.

“You’re free, Michael; you no longer have to pretend. I’m sorry you ever felt you had to.”

Michael moved forward pulling Gerald against his chest, “You’re mine Gerald, you’re mine to take care off; you’re mine.”

Gerald closed his eyes feeling bitter tears pour over his face, because Michael was right Gerald was his, but Michael could never be Gerald’s.

“You don’t have to pretend.” Gerald turned in Michael’s embrace. “I’ll always be your best friend. I’ll always be yours.”

Michael tightened his arms around Gerald, he never wanted to let go.

“I don’t know what the hell went wrong here tonight, but I think we should leave all decisions for tomorrow.” Michael had lost a bit of his blindness, his sight towards Gerald seemed to un-blur a bit more each day, and he could see his intentions were to break up. Michael didn’t know why, but he wasn’t going to let that happen. Gerald wasn’t something he was willing to give up.

The wind picked up, unmerciful to the wet bodies by the shore. Gerald’s lips shivered against Michael’s shoulder, the tips of his fingers hurting as they buried themselves against Michael’s warmth.

Michael picked up Gerald bridal style. Gerald was too worn out to protest; he let himself be carried to the car, his head resting against the window as they drove.

Gerald’s mind had too many contradicting ideas, too many things to go over; too many ideas born out of suppositions. Because why would Michael fake this? Why fake being gay?

Gerald knew Michael, and never had he even suspected Michael could be gay. Nothing Michael ever did or said hinted towards it, not until Gerald. Was this Michael’s way of saving Gerald?

But, if so why go to these lengths? Why did Michael so carefully rid Gerald of his wet clothes? Friends hand you a towel, maybe worry about you catching a cold. They don’t carefully remove your clothes; they don’t caress you with the towel and hold you to their bodies, wishing to take in all your cold.

Why did the way Michael intertwine their nude legs together, feel so forced? But the way he held Gerald against his chest as though he was afraid he would disappear the minute he let his guard down, feel so natural?

Was Gerald simply incapable of accepting that finally things were working out, that finally he was getting everything he had ever wanted, and more than he ever dared dream? Was he just scared to find out this dream is just a nightmare?

Gerald laid in Michael’s arms quietly asking the same questions over and over again, analyzing every little thing that’s happened. He didn’t get anywhere, because he isn’t ready to see the truth.

Gerald rested his head over Michael’s chest hoping to hear his heart beat. His hands moved over the warm skin, his ear pressed against the firm chest, but he can’t make out the beat. He moved higher, and then a bit lower, concentrating and trying to block all other sounds. He finally heard it; finally found the right spot, but then he heard a guitar.

Michael’s death grip has relaxed enough for Gerald to easily escape it. He slipped out of the bed as quietly as he could, and he walks towards the sound. The music still soft, but he could feel it closer; he knows where it’s coming from, and though the walls are creating a barrier between him and the sound, just standing on the side of the room that is closest to Sean’s, makes him feel better.

Gerald leaned his ear against the wall, searching for that perfect spot were the music notes seem to hit. He closed his eyes as the melody soothed him. He can see Sean leaning against his bed, his fingers strumming, his lips quietly singing. Gerald wished to be there, his head resting against Sean’s shoulders.

He can’t hear Sean’s voice, but he knows the lyrics; he knows the tone and sound of Sean’s voice. It doesn’t take his mind much to finish the image with sound.

“I wish I could be air,
If I were air I’d be beside you now.
I could see what you hide from me,
And caress your skin as a breeze.

I wish I could be air,
Because then you would need me,
You would need me like I need you.

I’d still be a silent spectator to your life
You’d see through me like today,
You’d forget that I exist,
But never this long,
I want to be the air you breathe

I wish I could be air,
If I were air I’d be beside you now.
I could see what you hide from me,
And caress your skin as a breeze.

A silent spectator, waiting to be needed
I want to be the air you breathe.”

The questions and voices in his head quieted down, allowing the elusive sleep to conquer. His eyes grew heavy as his body swayed to the music. Gerald fell asleep against the wall, his knees drawn tight against his body, his ear pressed against the wall.

Gerald woke up back on Michael’s bed. The spot next to him was empty, but Michael’s warmth was still on the sheets. Gerald pulled a pillow close and turned around trying to go back to sleep.

His phone rang. He was truly starting to dislike the contraption, he felt like he could no longer hide. The ringing was hard to ignore and broke through his concentration. It was like a tracking device, were ever he was he could be found. The pillow he had hugged was thrown over his head hoping to gain back some silence, but the ring broke through the feathered barrier.

He cursed under the pillow, he pulled it off and glared at his jeans were the diabolic machine rested. “Shut up” he thought. The ringing stopped and so Gerald turned back around with the pillow between his arms and closed his eyes. He could feel sleep knitting it’s net around him, the sound of waves as his subconscious took over taking him into a peaceful dream.

Beeeep

Gerald stared at the waves. Where was the comforting ‘swoosh’, he loved?

Beeeep

He was positive that as annoying as seagulls squawking was it never had been that annoying. Then he called himself stupid. Beeep, his eyes widened, he was awake again. The diabolical contraption was announcing a missed call.

A low growl grew from his throat and the pillow was propelled towards his jeans. There was no chance he was going back to sleep now. Muttering about evil inventions he got out of bed.

“I’m sure your cuddling with your beloved, but you owe me. Meet me for lunch, I won’t take no for an answer. I’ll pick you up at 1. At your house, I won’t be going to psycho boyfriend’s house.”

Ray.

Gerald was wide awake now. He searched for his clothes but didn’t see them anywhere, and then he remembered Michael had taken them down to the laundry room. He moved towards Michael’s closet and borrowed a pair of flannel pajama pants. They were extremely big he could pull them up past his bellybutton and they still dragged on the floor.

He was folding the pant legs up when Michael came back into the room. They were both silent, Michael just watching Gerald fiddle with the pants. When Gerald was done he stood up with his hands stretched to the side.
“So how ridicules do I look?” He asked with a bright smile.

Michael with his long legs moved quickly, surprising Gerard who found himself engulfed in a hug. Gerard relaxed in the embrace and hugged Michael back. After a moment where they both simply enjoyed the contact Michael pulled away giving Gerald a soft peck on the head.

“You look adorable.” Gerald of course blushed. “Now I have to go, but your clothes are in the dryer and Sean said he’d bring them to you as soon as they are done.”

“Where are you going?” Gerald asked. He was curious but also relieved; if Michael had plans there was less chance they’d fight over Gerald’s lunch plans.

“Frank called; he and some of the guys want to go out for lunch.” The name Frank was enough for Gerald; he scrunched his nose and told Michael to have fun. Michael couldn’t help himself and kissed Gerald’s nose, it just looked too cute scrunched up that way.

Michael had already showered and dressed, leaving almost immediately after the kiss. Now this left Gerald in his room, in his pajamas feeling rather uncomfortable. It just didn’t seem right to walk around his boyfriend’s parents’ house in said boyfriend’s clothes. Even if only Sean knew they were boyfriends.

He settled on seating on Michael’s bed, but that got boring in a less than 4 minutes. He looked over Michael’s desk. There were two pictures of Michael and Gerald as kids, one was a copy of the picture Gerald had received as a birthday gift and the second was from their Kindergarten “graduation”. There were also pictures of the football team, of Michael at a party with a girl under each arm, of Michael with Frank and May. Gerald sneered at that picture May and Michael had broken up what felt like ages ago. Why did he still have her picture?

He stood up looking through Michael’s CDs but they had very different tastes in music and nothing appealed to him, plus he’d be embarrassed to put music on. What if it bothered the other occupants?

Sean walked in with out knocking and found Gerald bouncing his head against the wall.

“You’re not a prisoner, you know?” Gerald looked back with a smile. “Well I dono my brother is kind of possessive. Did he tell you not to leave the room?” Gerald couldn’t tell if Sean was joking or not, but it seemed safer to take it as a joke.

“Yeah, he didn’t want you being tempted, by my scrawny body.”

Sean tossed Gerald his clothes.

“You’re going to lunch with Ray right? Now that your warden is off duty.”

It didn’t surprise Gerald too much that Sean knew about lunch. It really wouldn’t surprise him if he had known before Gerald, after all Ray was seeing more of Gerald’s friends than Gerald himself.

“Where is your ball n’ chain?” Gerald asked trying to turn the tables.

“We take off the restrains after sex.” Sean managed to make Gerald blush. “My ex-boyfriend is probably with his new boyfriend.”

Gerald’s jaw dropped, “Oh, wow Sean when did this happen? Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” Sean waved Gerald’s concern away, “we were having issues anyway; best to be friends than enemies.” Gerald gave him a skeptic look. “Seriously it was a mutual thing.”

“When did it this happen?”

“’bout a week ago?” Sean shrugged.

Gerald felt bad and out of touch. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Died in his throat, he knew better than to open that can of worms.

-

“It’s nice to see you smiling.” Ray broke the silence that had fallen between him and Gerald after ordering. It was something he had been meaning to say for a long time. He loved seeing that smile on Gerald’s face. The smile had not lost any value as it became less rare, it was still just as precious as beautiful.

Ray could see how Gerald’s shoulders seemed more relaxed; he had a large weight removed from them. His mom was doing good, still going to her meetings and following the doctor’s orders. She was even looking for a job, a frustrating task since she had no prior work experience.

Gerald blushed, trying to purse his lips, but the smile didn’t let him. He couldn’t help it, life felt complete and though he still had his moments of doubt. The hug shared with Michael in the morning, the chat with Sean, his mom looking at the job listings and now sitting there in front of Ray having lunch with a friend, made everything for once feel right.

He could ignore his doubts and his fears, because for years he’d had a half empty glass and now for once not only was it half full it was overflowing.

He was also going to ignore the fact that he was a little too happy with the break up news.

After lunch Ray and Gerald decided to walk along the shore. Gerald was thinking back to everything that had happened up to where his teacher had mentioned the art contest.

Gerald had kept that news to himself, he didn’t want others opinions to influence his decision, he had to do what was right. Leaving his mom, now didn’t feel right. He knew his friends would encourage him to go, but what about Michael? Would he be ok with it?

Would Gerald be fine, if Michael had no problem letting him go?

“What’s on your mind?”

“School,” Gerald shrugs, “Graduation, work, college… life. Changes.”

“That is some heavy thinking you’ve got going.”

Gerald gave Ray a lopsided smile.

“I’m so glad I met you.”

Ray placed an arm around Gerald’s shoulders pulling him closer to his body.

They walked towards a convenience store, Ray was out of cigarettes. Standing outside the store as Ray lit his cigarette Gerald continued.

“You changed my life Ray. The moment you began to talk to me, that you wedge yourself into my life is when everything began to change for the better.”

“I didn’t do much. You just needed a push.” Ray pulls Gerald into a hug. “You’re stronger than you think Gerald. All your life you’ve taken care of someone else, it was time someone took care of you.”

“Michael takes care of me.” Gerald whispered. Ray cleared his throat but didn’t say anything. He tightened his arms around Gerald and then let him go.

***
Thanks to Lisa who isn't just my wonderful Beta, but also my only reviewer!!