Of Truth and Trust

Just a quick couple of notes. This fic was written as a one-on-one RP (role-play), so the focus of the POV changes for the characters being played. My cowriter and I based this off of the famous manga "Kaze to Ki no Uta," though you don't need to know the story to follow this one.

// =thoughts
* =emphasis

Thanks for reading--I hope you enjoy.


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Of Truth and Trust
Chapter 15

Sebastian didn’t sleep for very long, but when his eyes fluttered open the room was dark. //Nathan…?// His skull was still throbbing, even if his chest and stomach didn’t hurt as much. For a moment he couldn’t remember what had happened. //What did he do to me?// He touched a hand to his face, and was a bit startled to find tear tracks. //I really was crying. Why, over something like that….//

He paused, drawn by the warm presence beside him. //Nathan. You were caring for me, weren’t you?// Feeling uncharacteristically hesitant he edged closer, enjoying the proximity of the small body. He looked…beautiful, when he was asleep. Sebastian leaned a little closer to press a gentle kiss against his lips.

Nathanial’s eyelids fluttered as the contact pulled him from his fragile sleep. Realizing it was Sebastian, he relaxed, allowing the kiss and even returning it slightly. //He…feels so small, now.// He gave the hand he still held a light squeeze before pulling back and meeting darkened green eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“Awful,” Sebastian said with a slight smile. “My skull is about to erupt. But other than that, I’m all right.” He reached up idly to stroke Nathanial’s cheek. “Thank you for staying, Nathan. I’m…not used to having people take care of me, but I appreciate it. I must have seemed out of my senses.”

Nathanial returned the smile. “Perhaps a little,” he admitted, shifting a bit higher on the bed. He slowly spread his fingers through Sebastian’s hair, taking great care as he lightly rubbed his scalp in hopes of calming his pain. “Would you like some more medicine? Either way, you should try to sleep a bit more.”

Sebastian closed his eyes as he leaned closer. “I shouldn’t take any more yet,” he said thoughtfully. “It’s still too soon. But sleep….” He sighed. “I suppose it’s late, now, so I might as well.” He wasn’t quite looking forward to it, though; he had a feeling that if he slept for too long his dreams would become sour. “That feels nice.” He settled his hand comfortably against Nathanial’s side, as if inviting him in.

Feeling slightly more confident, Nathanial continued his treatment with both hands. //At least I can help him this much.// He shifted a bit closer to make it easier on his arms. “Do you…want me to stay?”

“Yes. Yes, as long as you can….” Sebastian shifted so that he was a little lower on the bed than his roommate, making him feel…a little more protected. It made him smile almost ruefully as he moved his hand in encouragement. “I mean…if you don’t mind,” he added lightly. “I will go to sleep in a bit, but this is nice. It’s helping.”

Nathanial sighed to himself. “As long at it’s helping….” He welcomed his roommate closer, pressing his thumbs gently into his temples. //I…like him like this. Not hurt—not that—but quiet. He’s not trying to hide from me. I hope…he doesn’t change too much; I want to see more of this side of him.// Perhaps it was the dark, the sound of quiet breathing, but Nathanial found himself leaning forward to offer a soft kiss to Sebastian’s forehead. “Go ahead and sleep—I’ll stay.”

Sebastian’s smile deepened as he tilted his head up, welcoming that gentle contact. //Nathan, you…really do care for me, don’t you?// The thought made something inside him catch, and he squirmed a bit closer, sliding his hands about to curl against his roommate’s chest. “Feels good,” he murmured, ignoring his suggestion of sleep. He didn’t want to lose this.

Chuckling to hlf, lf, Nathanial kissed him again. “You said that already,” he pointed out playfully. But he didn’t stop, combing his fingers through Sebastian’s thick hair. //I’m helping, though. I’m helping him for once.// “Let it go,” he whispered encouragingly. “Let me take out the pain.” Nathanial spread his fingers wide as if he were gathering up all the other’s aches and pulling them out through the ends of his hair.

Sebastian’s heart fluttered unintentionally at those words, and he pulled closer. // If you could do that for me, Nathan….// He shifted suddenly, without really meaning to rolling on top of Nathanial to offer him a real kiss. But when he realized how thoughtlessly he had acted he paused, sobering once more, and their lips never met. He hesitated over the other. “Nathan….”

His eyes widened a bit, but Nathanial didn’t attempt to push the other away. //He’s actually hesitating. Something has changed….// His fingers were still tangled in Sebastian’s hair, and he moved his thumbs over the other’s cheeks. He fought with himself to find thinthing to say, but…nothing seemed appropriate. So he just continued to massage his roommate’s sore head, waiting to see what the boy would decide.

Sebastian shuddered, and with what might have been a whimper he sank onto Nathanial’s chest. //I’m just a whore. Even with Nathan, who I said I’d take better care of than the others. Who knows more about me than anyone else, and yet…without even a thought, I….// “Hold me.” He hid his face in the soft curve of Nathanial’s neck. //Hold me like lovers are supposed to.//

Sighing, Nathanial wrapped his arms around his roommate’s shoulders. “It’s okay,” he murmured, holding the trembling boy close. “It’s okay, Sebastian.” His chest tightened strangely, and Nathanial forced himself to take slow, deep breaths to calm himself. //Why…does this almost hurt? Why do I want to…protect him so badly?// His embrace strengthened gently. //I will protect him.//

Sebastian was still for some time, just enjoying the other’s delicate care of him, until his voice began to spill. “I’m just like him,” he whispered, and though his shivering had stopped he was yet still and cold. “He was lonely, so he sought affection wherever he could find it. Took it all, convinced it was what he wanted, but…I don’t think he felt any of it. No matter how gently I treated him, no matter how much…I really did want to help him, he’s just so used to it that he doesn’t even feel it anymore.” He sighed brokenly. “He depends on them to make him feel like a full person, but…he doesn’t even feel it.”

Nathanial closed his eyes. //You are talking about yourself, right, Sebastian? You’re doing this to feel less lonely.// He hugged Sebastian close. “Then it’s time to start fresh,” he answered. “Sebastian, you are so much more than that, and you know it.” //Let me show you—let me help you.//

“No.” Sebastian started to pull away; even if it would probably send his head back to throbbing he couldn’t stay here when Nathan started talking like that. “No, I can’t just back out now. I’ve fought this far—it’s all I have in this goddamned prison.” He tried to twist out of Nathanial’s arms with little success. //You can’t ask me to stop, it’s too late for that.//

Nathanial let the other back away only enough that he could see him. Something cold and painful entered his stomach as he looked up at his roommate. //All you have…. But I….// His eyes slipped away. “You could…if you wanted to,” he murmured softly. “You are strong enough to. You have already done more than anyone here could hope to do in your situation….” //Sebastian…. It shouldn’t hurt like this. I’d decided…but you….//

“I can’t,” Sebastian insisted. “The only reason I can stay here is because everyone in this school knows better than to cross me.” He, too, glanced away bitterly. “I don’t think you understand how fragile my situation is, Nathanial. If even one person here turns against me--if this school is exposed--everything will be over. I…can’t risk that.” He gulped. “It’s too important.”

//Sebastian…you liar….// “You told me,” he nearly whispered, “that you did all that because you wanted to. That you only needed to have secrets on a few of the teachers to keep you here, and you have them.” Nathanial shook his head. “You told me to live without shame, to not hide who I am…but you’re hiding.” He turned to look up at his roommate once more, gently touching his face to turn him as well. “Maybe I do not understand your situation, but you do not know mine any better. My life is just as fragile now, but I will face it. I will face it because I have to, and…you’ve taught me to.”

Sebastian watched him, but his gaze was dull and unimpassioned. A quiet smile fluttered across his lips. “Nathan. You naïve little fool.” He urged Nathanial’s hands away and sat up, drawing his knees up against his chest. “This place, as awful and twisted as it is, is the only safe place for people like us. What do you think would happen if Charlie went to the Bishop—to even the press? If anyone found out about what goes on at this school, it would be gone within days.” He rested his chin against his folded arms. “I’m not ashamed of what I am. But I’m careful, because I have to be. *We* have to be, if we’re going to survive. That’s why….” He chuckled quietly. “When I first came here, I only did what I wanted. I couldn’t help it. But I have to protect myself, and the only way is to help change them one by one, and keep the rest too frightened to go against me. Just…two more years….”

Nathanial stared at his roommate for a long, silent moment, his breath aching in his lungs. //Sebastian…. Damnit I knew. I knew this all along, but I still….//

He slowly sat up and twisted, letting his legs hang over the bed as he thought. Practiced hands slid back through his hair to put the strands back into place before he retrieved his glasses. //I was foolish to even think that….// “I do not know how to help you then,” he said quietly, tone flat to cover the tremble in his chest. “You do not want to change…so I shall just stay out of your way. I shall let you handle this…as you think you should….”

Sebastian glanced back, a frown creasing his features as he watched Nathanial’s preparations. //No. No, I don’t want him to leave.// “Nathan, wait--” His hand snapped out to fasten around his roommate’s arm, holding him still. “Wait, won’t you…stay with me, just a little longer?” He slid closer to wrap his arms around Nathanial’s shoulders. “You said you would, until I was asleep. Didn’t you?” //Don’t go yet. You’re the only one that makes sense anymore.//

Nathanial closed his eyes a moment. “I did,” he agreed. //Sebastian….// He turned his head, just enough to see the other out of the corner of his eye. “But I need to change my clothes. You should lie back down.” //Please, do not hold me like that.// His shoulders tenses and curled forward slightly. //Do not trick me into thinking…you care.//

Sebastian didn’t acknowledge the other right away, not wanting to let go as easily as that. //I’ve never told anyone these things before--I barely even think them. Do you even know how…important this is to me?// His arms tightened slightly. “You’re the only one that knows, you know,” he whispered. “All my secrets.”

His fingers curled into fists at his knees. //Please, Sebastian…please do not do this//. He stared down at the floor, trying not to let those words affect him. “And yet…there is nothing I can do,” he replied just as softly. //You could not frighten me…so you “changed” me. I am just another name in your book, right?// “You are still trapped in this ‘prison.’ You are still unhappy. All I can do is hide, like everyone else you could not frighten.”

“That’s not….” Sebastian frowned, realizing suddenly how cold Nathanial felt even when pressed so close against him. His fingers curled stiffly. “That’s…not what I meant,” he murmured, pressing his face into Nathanial’s shoulder. “I can’t be whatever kind of man it is you want me to be. But…I still….” //I’m still lonely. I still…need….//

Nathanial shook his head, unable to help himself as he leaned back. “I want you to be yourself, Sebastian,” he replied. “That’s all. I want you to be yourself and…be happy.” //I…want to go back to vacation. To when we did not have to worry about…anything.// His fingers clenched around the fabric of his pants. //I just want to sleep. I want to forget everything, just for a while. I want my chest to stop hurting, my skin to not…tremble when he touches me.//

“Nathan….” Sebastian tilted his head so that their cheeks scraped together. “You really do care about me, don’t you?” he said softly. “You’ve watched over me for so long, dug into all my secrets, defended and comforted me….” He chuckled quietly, but there was something deep, almost painful in the sound. //Almost as if he really loved me.// “You, who has always been…precious, to me.”

//Precious.// His head lowered a bit. “You are my friend,” he nearly whispered. “Of course I care about you.” //Does he really consider me…precious? After all the people he’s known….// Nathanial stared down at the floor, feeling too confused. A moment ago he had been ready to leave the room, to escape from all of Sebastian’s painful words. //After all, it’s a pretty poor thing to say that to me just behind declaring this place a prison filled with pe he he cannot trust….//

“Stay with me.” Sebastian tugged him a little, hoping to urge him back into bed. “Remember when it was just the two of us—how wonderful it was, just sleeping next to each other? Being…so intimate….” He rubbed lightly at Nathanial’s chest, enjoying the feel of his slim figure. He kissed the side of Nathanial’s throat. //Everything felt so much…cleaner, when it was just you and I.//

Shivering, Nathanial closed his eyes. //Please…please don’t do this to me. I’ve already decided, so….// “If you sleep,” he replied slowly, “I shall stay. But I want to change my clothes first.” He reached up to urge Sebastian’s hands to loosen. “I shall only be a moment.”

Sebastian relented, allowing the other to slip out of his arms. He lowered himself carefully to the bed once more. There was still the awful ache just beneath his scalp, but he could ignore it, for Nathanial’s sake. //I wonder what he’s thinking. I’m too tired now to try and figure it out for myself.// “I’ll be waiting.”

Nathanial didn’t reply as he moved to their wardrobe. He changed slowly, without turning, pulling on the long shirt and pants he favored. When he finally returned to his bed, he set his glasses on the side table and lay down beside the other without a word. He was even hesitant to meet the other boy’s eyes. //Let this be enough for him.//

Sebastian didn’t like the sudden silence between them. //Now what’s bothering you, Nathan? I know you would wish different for me, for you, but this….// He sighed quietly and slid forward, trying to coax his roommate into some more causal affection. //This may be all we have, right now.// He slid the backs of his fingers over Nathanial’s cheek in reassurance. “Don’t fret, Nathan. Everything will work out.”

He shook his head slowly. “I worry for you,” he murmured. “Everything you say is contradiction, and…I do not know what I can do.” Nathanial caught the other’s hand, holding it simply in his own. //How can I believe that I am precious to you…when you are imprisoned here? When everything you do is to preserve your place here? I do not understand, Sebastian. I…. I do not understand you at all.//

Sebastian’s eyes dimmed slightly. “I won’t ask anything of you,” he murmured, wanting to edge closer though he had a feeling it would be better not to. “I appreciate all you do for me, Nathan, but…in truth I don’t know what you can do. You can’t save me.” He smiled ttlettle, sadly. “But if you would stay with me a while, maybe…we could help each other through this place.”

Nathanial raised his head, meeting his roommate’s gaze. //Sebastian…don’t you see? You do not need to be saved. You know who and what you are, what you have to do…and you have the means to do it. You’ve given that to others--to me.// He spread his finger through Sebastian’s hair once more, deciding it wasn’t worth the battle to convince him; Sebastian probably would not listen anyway. “You are my friend,” he repeated. “We--all of us--will get through this.”

//Why…does it hurt a little, when he says it like that?// Sebastian moved closer, tugging the smaller body up against him. //I don’t care about the others. I want this.// He kissed Nathanial tenderly, wondering if that sentiment would get across without him having to speak a word. “Then stay by me always, Nathan. And we can look after each other.”

Trembling, Nathanial only nodded, not trusting his voice enough to say anything. //Please stop saying such things….// He tilted his head up to touch his own innocent kiss to Sebastian’s forehead. //Please just let this be enough.// “Rest now,” he urged softly. “You…still need to recover.”

Sebastian frowned, not pulling back at all yet. “Nathan….” He spread his palm against Nathanial’s face, forcing their eyes to meet. “What are you thinking?” he asked at last, watching the other for any indication of his thoughts. “You’re…pulling away from me.” //I can feel it. What has changed, Nathan?//

//Stop….// Nathanial closed his eyes, unable to return that gaze. But…he couldn’t lie. He wouldn’t. Not to Sebastian. “It’s like you said,” he murmured, hearing the tremor in his voice. “We have to be careful. I have to keep in my Father’s favor, especially now, and he will not stand to hear what…I am….” //If he ever knew….// “You said you would not ask much of me, and I pray that you will keep that.” //Please Sebastian, do you not see that…I cannot do this? I cannot protect mysthe the way you do, so….//

“That has nothing to do with me,” Sebastian said pointedly. “All that are like us have to be careful, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be with each other.” He wanted Nathanial to look at him; he leaned forward, laying a gentle kiss to his closed eyelid. “For now, this school is safe for us. They all know that exposing one of us will destroy everything. We should be using these times while we have them.”

He shook his head. “And what about after?” he persisted, shoulders hunching slightly. //Stop being so tender….// “Shall I forget you after that? Forget Christopher and Michael? I…I cannot ignore my feelings as easily as that. I can not risk….” //I cannot let myself become attached to you Sebastian, do you not see? It…it’s starting already. I cannot let myself fall for you.// His fingers curled against Sebastian’s chest, wanting….

Sebastian’s eyes opened a little wider, and though he knew it wasn’t the best response he couldn’t help but smile. //So, you have already fallen for us.// He felt a little warmer, despite the scenario Nathanial was describing for him. Before Nathanial could protest he pulled him into another kiss, deeper than the last. //Yes, Nathan--you will forget all of us one day. But that…is simply all we can do.//

Though he didn’t want to--God forgive him, but he didn’t want to--Nathanial pulled away from Sebastian’s warm, sweet lips. “Stop it,” he choked, hating his voice for sounding so weak. “I can not do this, Sebastian--I simply can’t! I can’t live here another two years pretending everything is safe.” He pushed against the other’s chest, but his shaking arms weren’t strong enough to separate them completely. “I won’t live as another name in your little book only to leave and not even be that anymore!”

Sebastian stared back at him, and suddenly, without a word, he pulled away from his roommate and tumbled out of the bed. It was a little disorienting to stand again but he managed to stumble only once as he crossed the room to his desk. After a brief search he unearthed the black book he kept there, and as he flipped to the correct page he approached to show Nathanial. “You mean this?” he asked, displaying the entry: Nathanial’s name, free of any of the checks that marked the others around it, had long since been crossed out.

Nathanial had sat up when the other had left, for a moment fearing that Sebastian would leave. He stared at the book, at the slash through his name, and frowned. //He crosses them off…once he’s finished with them. But this….// He glanced up at his roommate, unsure how he was supposed to interpret or react to what was being shown him. //I don’t understand….//

“I cross them off when I’ve exposed them,” Sebastian explained, meeting Nathanial’s gaze without falter. “Like I did with Christopher, and a dozen others before him. But this…I did at the beginning of the break.” He let his hand fall, and with the momentum the book slipped from his hand and tapped lightly against the floor. “I never had any intention of hurting you, Nathan, and I still don’t.”

He glanced away. //Then what does that make me now? Nothing? Are you finished with me then? But….// His fingers curled against the sheets until they ached. //But if he did that at the beginning of the break…. I still don’t understand….// Nathanial continued to stare at the wall; he…felt cold. Almost numb. This was too much to deal with for one day. “So what does that mean?” he asked quietly. “Or does it mean anything?” //After all, I’ve already proven your little notes wouldn’t hurt me, so….//

“It means if I thought of you as the same as all the others I would have been through with you by now,” Sebastian shot back, growing uncharacteristically frustrated. Here he was, trying to admit that he…that he cared about him, really, and Nathanial still didn’t understand. Had no idea what was happening between them. “You and I are different from all of that.” He pointed emphatically down at the book, and as if in retaliation kicked it away. “*You* are. And you’re pushing me away because of what might happen once we leave here?”

“What do you want me to do?” he shot back, though his voice broke and lowered quickly, and Nathanial curled over his crossed legs. “You told me not to fall in love with you--you told me you wouldn’t change, that nothing is going to change. I can’t live like that, Sebastian! I can’t afford to just have fun, like during the vacation. I can’t afford loving you when everything could come to an end once my stepmother has that damn baby!”

He froze, startled by his own words and the anger boiling in his stomach, making him nauseous. Hot, fiery tears burned down his face, and Nathanial quickly covered himself from view. Sebastian--no one--could see him cry….

Sebastian stared, his expression sobering as his roommate cried. //Is…is that really it? Is that why you’re so scared?// He stepped forward slowly, taking a seat beside him. “Nathan….” Quickly, so he couldn’t be rejected, he drew an arm tight around Nathanial’s trembling shoulders. //I’m sorry.// But he didn’t k, wk, waiting to see what the other might do.

Nathanial shuddered at the tender care, but he wasn’t strong enough to resist the other. “They’re sending me away,” he choked out shamefully. “This summer--to some cousin of my Father’s I’ve never met. And Clarisse…she hates me. She’ll try to send me to someone else if she can…. I….”

//I can’t do this anymore.//

He turned against Sebastian’s shoulder, frustrated and frightened, and he cried. //Sebastian--Sebastian I…. Damnit!//

“Shh….” But Sebastian knew better than to try and calm the boy’s tears, so he only held him, rubbing his back with a firm hand. His…head was aching again. //They’re sending him away. If he comes under the care of one of his relatives, he may…not return to this school next year.// A cold shudder went through him, and he turned inward, trying to bring Nathanial closer. //No--no, I won’t let that happen. Not to my Nathanial.//

//Sebastian….// He turned, wrapping his arm around his roommate’s ribs and hiding against his chest. “I don’t want to leave,” he sobbed helplessly. “I…I love this place…everyone….” //I want to stay with you. I want to love you--I want to love you!// Nathanial sank within the other’s embrace. “But if I go there…they’ll make me stay or…or something, just so they don’t have to look at me….”

“Hush now, that won’t happen,” Sebastian soothed, continuing to rub his shoulders and back. //My poor Nathan…there is enough working against us without things like this.// “You are still your father’s son. Even if the new child is a boy, he will not abandon you. You are rightfully his, and he is indebted to at least finish your schooling.” //Unlike me.// “It’s too early to despair, Nathan.”

Nathanial shook his head, though the long day was quickly sapping the last of his strength. //I could continue school anywhere, and I will still be able to care for myself in the end. But, if I left….// “I…don’t want to leave you…” he whispered into Sebastian’s shirt. The admission made him shudder, as if the truth was too much for him to bear in his current state.

“You won’t,” Sebastian assured. “You won’t, Nathan. It won’t happen.” He spoke, of course, with no evidenced certainty, but that didn’t matter to him. No one would take his Nathanial away--not Nathan, who was so important to him. Who…did love him. It made him shiver as well, and he pressed his face against his roommate’s soft hair. “Besides, it’s not a choice you can make. There’s no use suffering over it.”

He gave up. He slumped down between his shoulders and fell quiet save an occasional sniffle. Sebastian sounded so sure…. “I’m sorry…” he murmured at last, cheek pressed against the sound of a strong heartbeat. “You’ve…been hurt…and I’m worrying about such things….” //His skin is warm…. I’ve missed him.// “I’m just scared, Sebastian,” he continued in a whisper. “The baby, classes…everything today….”

“I know.” //So am I. After all that…I have no way of knowing how the rest of the students are going to react to me.// If he had lost his strength in their eyes, perhaps everything would come to an end for him, too. But as he had said, he couldn’t worry about that now. “It’s all right, Nathan. Come on--let’s go to bed, all right?” He nuzzled the boy affectionately. “There’s nothing we can do until morning, anyway. So let’s get some sleep.”

Nodding faintly, Nathanial pulled himself together enough to separate them. He slipped back further onto the bed and helped his injured roommate to lie at his side. Seeing the slight grimace on his face, Nathanial again set his fingers to the other’s scalp. “I should not be yelling with you when I’m sure your head is pounding,” he murmured, hoping to perhaps make it up to Sebastian a bit. “I’m sorry….”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sebastian murmured, smiling now that things had settled. He closed his eyes as he wriggled closer into Nathanial’s touch. “I understand. We…we’re all afraid.” //If only it could stay like this a little longer….//haushausted and finally feeling a little more peaceful, he felt himself gradually slipping away. “I think…I’m really going to fall asleep this time,” he warned.

“Go ahead,” he replied. //Let’s…just wait and see, I guess.// Shifting a bit to better settle himself, Nathanial felt his own exhaustion catch up with him. “I’m…going to sleep too.”

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