Silent Suffering

“Hey baby. It’s good to have you home. How was the trip?”

Good until I panicked on the car ride home.

“I was wondering why you were shaking.” My mom hugs me and I start crying. “Shush baby. You’ll be OK. Go ahead and cry. You’re safe here.” She pets my back and I cry until I feel better.

I pull away from her and she produces a tissue from someplace. I laugh a bit and wipe my eyes with it. Thanks.

“I had it for just in case causes.”

I smile again. You’re amazing.

“Yeah. I know.” We both laugh as we go in the house.

That smells amazing!

I hear Zach yell, “Hurry up and get in here Michael! I know I’m supposed to be polite and wait but if you don’t get in here, I’m gonna get in trouble ‘cause I’m gonna eat it all. Dude come on! Where, oh there you are. Sit down dude. Come on.” I shake my head and rush to my seat. Dad says Grace quickly and we all dig in. mom has made my favorite meal: steak, with the ranch waiting nearby for dipping, homemade Mac ‘n’ Cheese and lima beans. There are rolls on the side and I grab plenty of everything. The only sounds at the table are sighs, “yum” and “oh my gosh.” I smile because it makes me happy to see everyone happy.

I stand with my dishes but my Mom takes them from me. “I’ve got them. Show the boys where they’re staying. One will either be on the floor in your room or the couch while the other will be in the guest bedroom. You boys figure that out for yourselves.” She kisses me on the head and I shoo us away. We go upstairs and I point towards a room. I set my bag down to tell them it’s the guestroom.

“I’ll take the floor in Michael’s room and you can have that guestroom. That sound good Zach?”

“Yeah, I’m fine with that. I’ll be more comfortable than you anyways” Zach says with a smile. We follow him into the room where I help him store some of his things. When Zach finishes, we all go to my room. I hesitate for a second before opening the door. I open it, flip on the light and move out of the way so Zach and Charlie can enter.

So, this is my room.

“Wow. I dig the posters. I didn’t know you were so into classic rock” Charlie says looking around.

“He is. He used to blare it from his laptop then I got him headphones for his birthday. Now he can keep it more to himself. Thank Jesus.” I stick my tongue out at Zach and he returns the favor.

Shut up.

“Never.” We all get a good laugh. I start to actually look around my room. It’s been a while since I’d been home and even then, I never really looked at my room anymore. It was always too painful. I walk over to a photo and just run my hand down it.

“That’s Liam isn’t it?” Charlie asks. I nod my head and tears start rolling. I wipe them away.

I’m sorry I cry so much. I feel like a faucet.

“You’re fine baby. Most people our age haven’t suffered a loss like you have. Just know that both of us are here for you whenever you need it.” Zach reaches up and wipes away some extra tears. Charlie puts his hand on my shoulder.

Thanks. There are more pictures of him and me if you want to see. I know you guys don’t know much about my past.

“Yeah. That’d be great.” Zach, Charlie and I spend the next few hours looking through albums until we all agree it’s time for bed.