Love, Lose, Live

“Where are the knives?”
“I locked away all the knives and the only razors in the house are electric.”
“Really James? You went that far? This is ridiculous. I just want to slice a tomato for a sandwich.”
“I don’t care.”
“God damn it James. Those are my fucking knives anyways. I want access to them.”
“No.”
“Put the knives back on the God damn counter. I’m not having issues. I haven’t for almost a week. I’ll let you know if I’m having a problem so put the knives back.”
“Bullshit. You’ll let me know when you’re having a problem just like you did last time. That worked real well didn’t it?” I can see that James is getting angrier and angrier but then again, so am I.
“Fuck you. Put the damn knives back on the fucking counter. You don’t even live here. You don’t get a fucking say about what goes on in this house.”
James suddenly rushes at me and I back into the refrigerator eyes wide with fear. “I may not live here, but its damn good thing I am here. You would be dead if I wasn’t.” He grabs my wrists and pushes them in my face. I turn my face away and begin to struggle to get away. “Look at your wrists. Fucking look at them Lucas! Look at what you did. You tell me to put the damn knives back on the counter but fuck that. I won’t let you do this again. Look at your wrists Lucas. Lucas! Look at them!” I finally lift my face and see the still pink scars lining the insides of both wrists. He shakes my arms and I look at his face and am even more afraid because of the anger I see there. I try even harder now to get away from him. “Own up to what you did instead of pretending it didn’t happen.”
“But I don’t want to.”
“I don’t give a shit what you do or don’t want to do. How well has ignoring things in past gone huh? Ignoring what your father did? Brian’s death? Your self-loathing? How well has ignoring those things gone? How did those end up?” The anger in his voice is starting to make me panic.
“Please James. You’re scaring me. And your grip hurts.”
“Fucking deal with it because I’m not done.” I cringe away but can’t move because of the fridge. “They all ended up the same: with these damn scars on your wrists and the scars on the heart’s of your family and friends. You need to wake-up and deal with what happened.” At this point I am looking down and away from him trying to sink to the floor but his grip on my arms won’t let me. He tightens his grip even more and I pull as hard as I can against him.
“Let go! You’re hurting me! Please stop! I understand. I do just please let go! Please?” I have managed to sink all the way to the floor at this point. James leans down in front of me, hands still on my arms.
“God damn it. I’m sorry baby I’m just… just so angry and hurt about what you did. I thought you trusted me enough to keep you safe.”
“Please let go of me. Please?” He finally releases my arms. I stand suddenly, causing him to fall and rush out the door in the kitchen. I run to the bench under the willow tree and just gulp in the fresh air. I haven’t been that afraid of someone in a long time. He was angry like my father used to be and he came at me the same way the man used to when he was going to hurt me. I rest my elbows on my knees, put my head in my hands and try to calm down. I know what James said is right. I look down at my wrists and know that I am far from fine and he’s right that I wouldn’t tell him if something is wrong. I see his feet come to a stop in front of me and I can’t help but cringe back a little bit. He kneels down and I move further back on the bench.
“I’m sorry babe. I didn’t mean to get angry like that. It’s just that what you did really did hurt me. I thought I had talked you out of it and then when you did attempt suicide I felt like a failure. I had promised Brian when he gave me that tape that I would keep you safe. I felt or rather still feel, like I failed you and Brian.”
I look at him and lay my hand on his cheek, all fear gone. “You didn’t fail me. You didn’t fail Brian. I’m the one who failed.” James opens his mouth to say something but I put my hand up. “I failed because I couldn’t handle my grief and I didn’t care what happened to those around me. I’m going to do my best to not fail again. I understand why you took away the knives. I just got angry because it pointed out that I failed. You are right. I am trying to pretend like nothing happened but that’s not going to work. I do have to face what happened even if I don’t want to. Thank you for caring for me.” A small smile lifts my mouth. “You’ll just have to do all the chopping and slicing from now on.” James smiles and puts out his hand for me to take. I take his hand and together we go into the house. I see the sliced tomato on the counter and smile over at James. “Thank you. And you had better get used to slicing tomatoes. I really like them.” James rolls his eyes at me and I let out a bit of giggle. I look down and see bruises forming on my arms. My heart cringes a bit and I drop James’ hand. His anger scared me and his violence was unexpected. He looks back at me and I give him a smile and pull down my sleeves so he will not see what his hands did.