Bela the Nymphomaniac Vampire Slayer

Chapter 14: Why Coutt was not a complete waste of Bela's time

My entire body is locked into place. Paralyzed. I can hear Georgie behind me making a questioning noise- only Gareth knows the name of the boy who was dragged away when I met him. He'd have to know it, because I only screamed his name out a thousand times as he was dragged away. As Gareth held me back, because no untrained 17 year old girl, particularly one as hysterical as I was could have taken on three vampires and lived. Even these days I can barely manage two, and that's only, only if I've got them on the back foot. The day I fail to catch them by surprise is the day I'm going to be in the up to my neck in plague-ridden sewage kind of trouble- why do you think I completely freaked out an hour ago? I wasn't prepared for anything when that ambush happened.

Except maybe dying. Dying but not death. I'm not ready to die yet, despite the fact that I would rather go down fighting than get the so-called “eternal life” deal that vampires get.

That isn't life. They don't live. They just feed and posture, posture and feed, sucking their victims into a sensual fantasy world before they drain them of every last drop of humanity. Sometimes causing the victims to continue the cycle, just as in any other abusive relationship.

That isn't real life. That's just fucked up.

“Bela, did you hear me? Tao's not dead,” Taylan repeats.

I heard him the first time. I'm just not sure what he means by it.

Why is he lying to me? I saw Tao being dragged away by three vampires. You guys should know the drill about that by now, but I'll say it again. Vampires. Kill. Their. Victims.

As far as I know, Tao was as normal as it was for a human to get. Maybe a little more mature than a couple of the boys his age, but that was just Tao. You know how some people, they never seem to grow out of their pre-pubescent years?

Yeah, Tao was their complete polar opposite- an old man before his time. Hell, I used to tease him about it, tell him that he needed to relax and have a bit more fun every once in a while. He was pretty repressed before he met me- I showed him how to fly, and in return he kept me grounded, with his attention to detail, his intricate, near obsessive compulsive rituals that he underwent like always finishing his homework three days before the due date and ironing all of his shirts, even the ratty old band shirt he had, but never retying his shoelaces once they came undone. His talking about the future in concrete terms of saving money and working hard at school, instead of my amorphous plans of world travel and being self-employed.

They say opposites attract. I don't know if Tao and I were opposites. I doubt it. We had far too much common ground.

But one thing was as sure as hell- we were definitely attracted. Damn that boy was sexy. It's the quiet ones you really have to watch out for- the things he could do to me, the way he made me feel...

And then one night, when we'd snuck out of our respective houses to go for a little moonlit jaunt, we were surrounded by a band of vampires. Then Gareth turned up. He shot one, and Tao and I ran for safety. I made it. Tao tripped on his shoelace. I'd always told him leaving his shoelaces untied all the time was going to make him fall on his face. Fate picked the worst possible time to prove me right. In case you hadn't noticed, I tend to be a little pessimistic. “I told you so” were never my favourite words, because my worst case scenarios were always just that.
To be fair though, before that night I would never have come up with that one.

The one where my screams covered the sound of my teenaged heart breaking. I loved that idiot, and I never realised it properly until he was gone. I never thought of myself as a romantic. I don't believe in soulmates, or one true loves, or any of that Disneyfied doves at the wedding bullshit. A believer in Love Everlasting? Me? Puh-lease.

Well. Usually I'm most definitely not. Fuck, no one would believe them if I told them otherwise these days. Bela the Nymphomaniac Vampire Slayer a Hopeless Starcrossed Romantic? Fuck off, would be the first thing they'd say. I don't know what you're on, but please share, 'cause that shit sounds pretty fucking strong, would be the second.

And yet as stupid and unlikely as it sounds, it seems that he spoiled me for all other partners, because I've never clicked with anyone in quite that way since.

Go figure, huh?

But anyway, I saw Tao get dragged away by three vampires. Three experienced vampires. It was the event that made me become a slayer, amongst other things. Some of those things being miserable, misanthropic, sex-addicted and an all-around bitch.

And now this Pretty, poncy asshole is telling me that the love of my young life, whose murder by vampires was what began my slippery slide into this underworld of unending anger, sex, blood and death is not dead?

Who does he think he's kidding here?

“Bela, the reason for you becoming a slayer...” he begins.

“Was that vampires attacked me and Tao and then dragged him away to feed on, Gareth saved my sorry ass, and then he took me under his wing in an effort to make sure I didn't go out and get myself killed.” I interrupt. “Old news.”

I hear a gasp behind me. I look back towards Georgie. She looks completely horrified. Guess no one ever told her my origins story. Ah well, story time can be scheduled for later.

Though I guess she's already got the cliff notes version...

“But, he's not...”

What the hell is this prick trying to tell me? I just told him what I know happened. Does he think he can trick me into believing that I didn't see what I saw?

“What are you trying to say?” I demand.

“Tao's still alive.”

I frown. What the hell is he on about? Did he not hear me? Is he deaf, and I just never noticed?

No, I think I would have. Maybe he really is that stupid.

“What the hell are you on about? He's a vampire,” I explain to Taylan, as though to a particularly dim five year old.

Taylan still looks confused for some reason. Join the club. Normally I like having that effect on people, but right now I'm not sure how I'm doing it.

“Wait, you already know?” he asks me.

Hang on... nah that can't be it. No. No way. That's such a rookie thing to... no. That can't be it.

“Uh, yeah. A little hard to miss, my ex-boyfriend. I haven't seen him since that night, but it's a little hard to miss the coincidence of me watching my boyfriend get dragged away by three vamps and then later hearing about a weedy undead Chinese teenager with streaked hair just so happen to start popping up in the slayer shop-talk less than a month later.”

I mean, it might have been someone else, but Gareth has always been particular about not telling me about this one it could hardly be anyone else. Contrary to popular opinion, just because I have a lot of sex doesn't mean I'm a bimbo. I mean, it's not like orgasm kills braincells.

Man, they should do a study to prove this. They'd get scores of volunteers, I'm sure.

Bags not being in the control group!

“But... then you know he's not dead.”

Oh my god. He's seriously... wow. And to think I made the mistake of believing that he might actually be experienced at this. Apparently skills aren't everything. Well I already knew that, but seriously...

I decide to somewhat play along, figure out where he's going with this.

“...I know he's a vampire,” I say. This doesn't mean that Tao isn't dead. It's just that that demon wearing his form doesn't know it yet. For that matter it sounds like Taylan doesn't know this either, which is fucking bizarre if you ask me. Vampires aren't alive, and even if they were, they sure as hell aren't the same people they used to be before they were bitten. To treat them as such is fucking stupid at best, and deadly at worst.

Taylan gapes at me for a second, and then grins, seemingly in relief.

“Oh thank god, I wasn't sure if you'd be able to deal with that. Well that makes things a little easier.”

Hold the phone.

What?

“Makes what easier?” I demand. I'll ignore that bit about me coping for a minute. Clearly there's an agenda here.

Looking decidedly shifty, Taylan says, “Well, see, We, the Cooperative I mean, been trying to flush out a nest of vampire activity for the last couple of months. It seems that Tao managed to rise pretty quickly in the ranks, almost as quickly as you've risen in the ranks of the slayers here.”

So he's from the Cooperative. Figures. What is with the flattery though? Is he trying to butter me up for something?

“He always was an over achiever. It makes sense that the vampire would be the same.” I reminisce. Not too much though, there has to be a punchline for this farce. “What's your point?”

“Well, you see Bela, because you knew him as a human, that gives us a very unique opportunity, particularly regarding your expertise...” Oh shit. He is trying to butter me up.

“Spit it out,” I demand, half dreading the answer. He's taking the time to build up whatever this scheme is, so whatever it is can't be good.

He tells me what the plan is.

I stare at him.

He's got to be kidding me.

I mean, seriously, there is no way...

Oh shit.

He's serious.

He's actually...

No.

No fucking way.

No fucking way in freezing hell am I going along with this.

Now I've heard some pretty damn stupid fucking plans in my time as a slayer. Hell I encounter them every week- Cody Coutt trench-coat and sunglasses wearing extraordinaire is but the very tip of a goddamned not-so-hidden iceberg that generally manages to get people killed when idiots go charging around with bright ideas.

For some reason Taylan takes my lack of an answer as a good sign, mistaking my gobsmacked incredulity for me actually thinking his proposal over.

“What do you say to coming over to my hotel room and talking about it. I know this is a hard decision to make right now, but...” he smirks at me the smirk of a man who thinks he's about to score. So that's why he wanted me to stay with him tonight instead of going off with Georgie.

That egotistical fuck-knuckle. What, he thinks that just because I have a lot of sexual partners, all he has to do is flash a smile and my legs will drop open?

On what planet do men come up with these ideas?

Well tonight he's shit out of luck. I do my best not to fuck complete and utter idiots, no matter how pretty the packaging, and particularly not when they want me to agree to something that even a cretinous moron could see isn't going to end well. I mean, okay, so he's a good looking guy. This has been noted. I'm not blind. On the other hand, that does not mean that I'm going to lose my self respect over him, and sure as hell does not mean that I'm going to let him talk me into a suicide mission.

“Wait a second. You mean to tell me that this is the reason you suddenly showed up here? Why the hell are you telling me all this now? Why not when we first met?” Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to go along with this? That a little fake chivalry would make the idiocy go down a little smoother? Who the hell does this guy think he is?!

“Well, I was supposed to ease you into it, but circumstances didn't allow for it, and in any case, I wanted you to trust me. The Cooperative wanted someone to get close to you.” And by “close” I can tell he means in my bed and in my ear, feeding me information so I'd just blindly toe the party-line of a party I'm not only not invited to, you couldn't fucking pay me to crash.

Okay, this is getting more than a little surreal now.

“What do you mean the Cooperative wanted someone to get close to me?” I mean, I think I've figured it out, but I want to hear it from him. For some reason Taylan's singing like a little bird. Behind me I can sense Georgie bristling. I'm not sure why, but I hope she keeps her mouth shut. Otherwise I might miss something important. But I shouldn't worry- it's Georgie. She's good at knowing when to shut up and let people hang themselves.


Taylan attempts what he no doubt thinks of as a winning smile, but it comes out as a self-satisfied smirk. “Don't you get it? You're Bela the Nymphomaniac Vampire Slayer. You're as much a legend as you are an embarrassment to the institution of slayerdom.”

“Nice to know I'm appreciated,” I say blandly. I hear Georgie try to cover up a snicker with a coughing fit.


“You're a maverick,” Taylan continues, completely oblivious. “A wild card. But in some games a joker is necessary.” His voice intensifies, and he looks me dead in the eye like some kind of enlistment ad. “You are necessary. We need you to do this little favour for us Bela.”

I look at him incredulously. “You can't be serious. That's a fucking suicide mission. No way in hell, heaven, earth or any other plane of existance am I going to do that. I'm an adrenaline junkie, not a kamikaze! There's a fucking difference! Google it!”

The smirk drops off Taylan's face.

He actually looks surprised.

Okay. That's just insulting. What kind of airheaded twit did he think I was?

Then, before I can blink, he changes tactics.

To my utter disbelief, he practically sashays towards me, smiling a smile that he's no doubt been told a thousand times makes him look absolutely knee-quakingly drop-dead gorgeous.

“Don't be so quick to say no, Bela,” he drawls in a lower tone of voice than what he's used previously, practically fondling my name as he exaggerates its pronounciation. He licks his lips. “The Cooperative can be quite... accommodating. What say you and I go and... talk about this in my hotel room. See if I can convince you to come...”

I manage to prevent my jaw from dropping but it's a near thing.

Is he honest to god trying to pimp himself out to me? What the fuck?!

Okay, yeah he's hot. This has been well established. But this is just too fucking weird. There has to be a catch.

Oh yeah. He thinks that through giving me an orgasm or two he'll be able to convince me that going along with this plan is a good idea.

Fortunately for me, as aforementioned, I'm not that shallow. Or braindead.

“Are you fucking high? No means no. I'm not going back to your fucking motel room. I am not going to participate in this fucking retarded plan. Who the hell do you think you are, Casa-fucking-nova? I stake sexier beings than you before breakfast you slimy prick. You think you can put the seduction on me after trying to feed me that pile of shit? I am no fucking mushroom! Fuck off!”

Finally, it seems, I get through to him. Understanding dawns, and the pretty face shows an ugly expression.

Behind me I hear Georgie gasp, but I hold his gaze unflinchingly, ignoring the fact that he's pretending he has laser eyes.

Something then seems to occur to him, and he smiles in a way that makes me sure I'm not going to like the next thing that's going to come out of his mouth.

“You should also consider before you make your decision that we know where your grandmother lives...”

Did he just...

He did.

That bastard just threatened Nana.

A moment later, Taylan is ducking my fist.

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD! You stay the fuck away from her!” I scream at him, wanting to hurt him, claw the skin from his face, flatten his nose, make him wish he'd never come near me or my family.

HOW DARE HE?!

Unfortunately it seems that the Cooperative train their agents well- Taylan ducks and weaves and I can't land more than a glancing blow on him. It's infuriating. For the first time in ages it's a human with a living beating heart that I want to rip out. Distantly I wonder at the fact that this doesn't feel so different from when it's a vampire I want to do this to.

Fuck ethics. Fuck moralising about all this shit. Fuck this.

For the first time in the fight, I feint, and then when Taylan moves to block what he thinks is my punch to the right side of his head, I kick him hard in the groin.

To my surprise, he doesn't collapse to the ground when this happens. To my satisfaction, he looks like he's about to throw up. I'm still wearing my work boots. Pain is what they are made for.

“You crazy bitch!”

Did I mention that I fucking hate being called crazy?

Oh, was that sound as I kicked him in the side a rib cracking?

Too fucking bad. He shouldn't have threatened Nana.

“Bela! Stand down!” I hear Gareth roar in the background.

Where the hell has he been while all this was happening in front of his place?

Hang on, let me just even this bastard's sides up, he's all asymmetrical with only one cracked rib...

“BELA! STAND. THE FUCK. DOWN.”

Huh. He's not kidding. Fine then.

I stop mid-kick and step back two paces, standing in a mock-parade ground stance. Gareth no doubt knows I'm taking the piss, but he seems to have decided for the moment that having me not kicking the shit out of this delusional prick is more important than insisting I be respectful.

“Okay, does someone here mind telling me WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!”

Huh, he's really pissed. Well to be fair, he's never really approved of slayers having more than friendly rivalries or whatever. I guess me kicking three shades of shite out of this fucktard would be a little against his honour system.

“Taylan-told-Bela-that-some-guy-called-Tao-is-not-dead-but-Bela-says-he's-a-vampire-and-Taylan-wants-her-to-use-herself-as-vamp-bait-sir,” gabbles Georgie.

She sounds terrified.

I'm not sure why.

In his fury, Gareth seems to almost inflate, until wheelchair or no, it's like he dwarfs everyone in the vicinity.

Oh fuck, that's right, I just cracked the rib of a Cooperative member. Brace yourselve ladies and gents, this one's going to be...

“Oh, you stupid son of a bitch. You mean to say that you were trying to enact that plan? Boy, does your father know about this? If he does, you can tell the old bastard that the deal is off. I told him I could handle her. And don't you think for one second-”

Huh. Apparently Gareth's in my corner. Well, I mean, I knew he had a soft spot for me, but taking my side over the Cooperative? Damn, I think this is the most flattered I've ever been in my entire life. He yells a few things about Taylan's daddy not being there to shield him from any shit he stirs up, but I'm so busy being shocked they don't really register.


He turns to face me then, and for a second I think I read the situation wrong, and that I'm in for it too.

Gareth just sighs.

“Bela, we need to have a talk that is long overdue. I hoped that some random slayer would stake him before it came to this, but...”

Apparently it's contrary to popular opinion that I can make rudimentary connections.

I hold up a hand, silencing Gareth.

Huh. It worked. Never tried that before. I'll have to keep this in mind.

Time to play for a minute. I fake an astonished face that's about as genuine as a three dollar coin.

“Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Tao's a vamp? They actually turned him? And you never told me?”

Gareth nods slowly looking slightly chagrinned now. He knows me well enough to know when I'm annoyed at him for underestimating me. Taylan crankily mutters something under his breath that I don't deign necessary to decipher.

I let the silence stretch for a moment. Let everyone sweat a bit. I don't see why Gareth looks so worried. So my ex is a vamp. Not the last time that's going to happen. That's the lifestyle I lead.

“Fair enough.” I shrug.

Gareth snorts, but I don't miss the flash of relief before his expression resolves to the usual granite.

“Wait, you mean to say he never told you?” Taylan practically squeaks. Maybe I did land a decent hit on him afterall.

“Well of course he didn't tell me.” I say with a shrug. “A couple of years ago I might have freaked out or something and actually thought it meant something. That's a mistake plenty of people new to the game make, so of course Gareth didn't tell me. Like I said, I figured it out on my own. I'm not as stupid as you seem to want me to be.”

Gareth seems to be definitely relieved now, and it annoys me. What, he thought I couldn't take it? Since when has Gareth treated me like a delicate little blossom anyway?

Then again, he must remember how I reacted to Tao's death. I was a mess for a long time after that, but it was years ago. I still miss him, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do anything stupid, like believe for one second that he's anything other than long dead, walking or no.

I shake my head sadly at Taylan, who's still doubled over.

“Then how come you were so shocked when I told you that he was still alive?” he demands, the imperiousness of his tone almost funny in light of his current stance.

He's in no position to demand anything from me, let alone answers, but I decide to explain to Taylan exactly what he's failing to understand.

“Because you've got it wrong. Tao's dead. Just because his corpse is still moving around doesn't mean that the guy I used to love isn't any less dead. More to the point, just because you can seemingly pull a sword out of your ass and swing it fast enough to dust a few vamps doesn't mean you understand what they are. You complete and utter asshole. I watched them drag him off, and you have the hide tell me that 'Tao's not dead!' Of course he's fucking dead. His body just doesn't know it yet, and for the lack of a better term, his soul is either gone or too far gone to care.”

“As much as I hate to break up this educational moment...” oh fuck Tristan, just stay the fuck out of this. Man, I'm losing my touch, I didn't even notice him joining the party.

“Bela, why specifically did you attack Taylan?” he asks me.

That's right. Tristan thinks this guy is a friend. Well he's no friend of mine, that's for fucking certain, and I don't care how long Tristan has been talking to this guy online, insanity must run in the family because Taylan is as insane as Rutley if he honestly thinks I'm going to just go along with this stupid fucking plan.

I turn to Gareth and say, “He threatened Nana Isabela. He told me he 'needed' me to go along with this fucking imbecilic plan. I told him to go fuck himself. And then he threatened Nana.”

“Taylan is that true?” Tristan again. What, he thinks I'd lie about something like this?

Taylan swallows hard. “I... may have implied-”

Whatever the rest of that weak answer was I will never know, because he is interrupted by Tristan's shouted exclamation.

“What.” Tristan sounds about as impressed as the time he walked in on me groping his cousin from out of town. Apparently he had 'warned' said cousin to stay the hell away from me. “I don't care how important this plan is supposed to be, you don't go threatening little old ladies. Especially not Nana Isabela,” he adds in a significant tone, though I have to wonder if it's a comment about how much he respects Nana and wants to protect her, or how much he respects Nana to protect herself.

“But my objective is of the utmost importance! We need to use Bela in the distraction so that we have enough time to mobilise our troops outside the warehouse! We have to stop the ritual!” Taylan protests.

Yeah, like I said before, this plan? Fucking retarded. My niece could come up with a better strategy, and her biggest achievements to date are learning to colour inside the lines and toilet training.

Why is it that the combined military minds in the Cooperative came up with such a moronic idea?

Did I just answer my own question?

Why the hell did they think that it was a good idea to use me? I mean, of all the vampires bound to be at this meeting, surely I'm not the only human known personally by a few of them.

And I've known a few others even more personally, if you know what I mean.

Why is it that sometimes my life is like a badly written parody of itself?

It's just then that I notice Georgie start to laugh evilly.

It takes people a few seconds to notice, because Tristan and Gareth are busy verbally ripping into Taylan, but when I yell out “Guys!” they shut up.

They all stare at me, then they notice Georgie, and they pause. Quiet little bug-obsessed Georgie is laughing her arse off and no one has any idea why.

“Uh, Georgie, are... you okay?” asks Tristan slowly, a slight crease appearing on his brow.

She grins at him. “Yes, yes, completely fine. Damian over here,” she nods at Coutt, who is- HOLY SHIT WHERE DID HE COME FROM?! -standing right behind her with a nervous grin on his face.

Shit, either he's even better at that stealth thing than I thought he was, or I'm losing my touch.

Though to be fair, Taylan was quite successful at capturing my attention.

“Would you like to share the joke Georgie?” Gareth asks rhetorically, with a slightly disturbed expression. He's never seen this side of her before.

Come to think of it, neither have I. It's a little bit creepy, particularly seeing as it was Coutt that managed to provoke that reaction.

Come to think of it, I reckon Coutt's creepy too, so maybe I was wrong. Maybe they're made for each other.

I'm kidding. Fuck. It's just that my stress levels have reached critical mass, and I'm starting to get the tension giggles, which is never my favourite point to be at...

“We-ll,” she draws the word out, turning back to get eye contact with Taylan.

He suddenly looks extremely nervous, like an awkward virgin who's just discovered that not only is he being hit on, but he's being hit on by a predator who likes to play Madam Lash.

Who would have thought Georgie could make a grown man flinch like that?

“Taylan,” she asks with a sweet smile that's pure poison, “does the Cooperative know where this warehouse that the vamps are meeting at is?”

Swallowing loudly, Taylan nods.

“And somehow you people have gathered information that the vampires are going to be there on a certain night?”

Another nod.

“Do the vampires employ any diurnal supernaturals to look after the day watch?”

The poor boy is completely baffled, but I start to get an inkling of where Georgie might be going with this.

For some reason, Coutt's starting to look a little wary. Now why might that be I wonder?

“What?” says Taylan articulately.

“Do the vampires have any kind of sentries on that building during the day?”


“What? What's that got to do with anything?” Taylan asks her.


“Do they?” I demand. I'm starting to get impatient. Okay, that's a lie, I've been impatient since the beginning of this encounter, but this idiot is making it worse, and by the excitement Georgie is completely failing to hide, and the decidedly nervous look on Coutt's face, I'm willing to bet he made a throwaway comment that Georgie's latched onto.

“Uh, no, at least I don't think they do, but-”

“Semtex.” She says.

Oh. Oh fuck. Is she about to say what I think she's about to say?

“Huh?” The look of complete incomprehension on Taylan's face would be disheartening if I thought I was dealing with an intelligent man.

Now there's a thought that's so dead it's starting to look mummified.

“The answer to your little vampire problem,” she tells him. “ Is Semtex. Plastic explosives. Rig it up during the day on the outside walls. Wait until as many vamps as possible are inside.” She claps her hands together. “BOOM! Turn the vamps into just so many blood spatters and dust particles.” She turns to an extremely pale-looking Coutt. “What's that face for, I think your suggestion of blowing the vampires 'sky high' is a great idea.”

There is a stunned silence.

If we were in the country right about now, there would be a definite sound of cicadas, and not a lot else.

(As is, we're in the middle of Sydney, so it's more like the definite sound of sirens, traffic and faint music and conversations.)

I know for a fact that I'm grinning fit to split my face in half, whilst Gareth and Tristan are staring at Georgie as though she just turned into a unicorn.

“I-I mean you'd probably have to post a few slayers outside to catch any vampires missed by the blast, but...”

“ That's...,” Gareth trails off. He considers for a moment, then he looks from Georgie to Coutt, to Taylan, and then back to Georgie and Coutt.

“That's bloody brilliant.”

I...

Couldn't have put it better myself.
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Hey guys, sorry it's been a while- exams, trips to non-internet land and life in general has conspired for this chapter to both be a little different to what I originally intended, and take a lot longer to actually write the damn thing. On the upside, it's nice and long :P. Anyway, as always, let me know what you think. The fallout hasn't even begun to finish falling out, so never fear- the next chapter should be fairly action-packed. I should get it out before Christmas.
Questions? Comments? Confusion? Elation? Please let me know in a review.

As always, thankyou to those who have reviewed- it's you guys that help to convince me to keep writing this monster.
Have a nice day!
Erisah