What We Didn't Do

A/N: Back now!! Sorry its been so freaking long but it's been manic at the moment - haven't had time for anything. But now I return to write again.
Thanks to all my reviewers for chapter 13 - you put a smile on my face so thanks.
Just a note to say that updates my not be regular just because of my crazy schedule! I will try and post as soon as I can.
So....on with the chapter.

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For some reason I had taken to sitting on the floor in front of my kitchen counter and behind my sofa. I would sit therefor a few hours at a time surrounded by take out boxes and beer bottles.

Drowning my sorrows?

Fuck no - self indulgence. It was time to get over the past and enjoy myself.

Alex would be back soon.

I was getting suprise visits from my brother and Jeannie. They'd drop by and see me and it felt so strange to be comfortable with Andy that I felt like crying all over again.

Although if I'm honest I was doing that anyway.

Something about my new found internal workings required me to cry over nothing at least once a day. It was becoming a joke between the three of us - would Alex want me when he saw what a blubbering idiot I'd become.

I wished he was with me. For all that I was more okay than I had been in years - dams broken and bonds re-formed (even my dear sister had called me) I was lonely.

I wanted the man I loved back.

Huh? What? Yeah I know. Crazy huh? But sadly true. I was in love with Alex. Missing something makes you want it more. Like the fact I still had things I needed to say to Corey and definately to Pip, but that time had passed. I visted Pip's grave to say a true farewell and I placed flowers against the stone. Closure.

As for Alex, when he came back I would have so much to say! I'd tell him about Corey - the full story. I'd tell him about my closure. I'd tell him how much he meant to me and that if he left me again I'd rip his balls off...possibly. I wanted to tell him that I'd wait forever...

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I was sat on the floor again surrounded by chow mein and and empty Bud. I had flicked through some old albums Andy brought me of my twin and I. Yeah, I'd cried again.

There was a knock at the door.

He was back.

I jumped up and ran to the door. There he was, stood in front of me. It looked like he hadn't gone home yet, a rucksack on his shoulder. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into my arms for the tightest hug I'd ever given.

"I fucking missed you," I whispered into his ear.

Alex was tense in my arms. I pulled away and looked at him, frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Just...I have to just say something before...Can I come in?"

"What? Yeah, of course."

He wandered in, but didn't set the bag down. Something, somewhere had gone horribly wrong.

"What happened here?" he asked, staring at the chinese boxes and bottles.

"Alex, it's been - Corey died and I went to his funeral and...Alex, I cried my eyes out, like a baby, just bawled in front of everyone and so much as happened - " I was bouncing off the walls, my voice jottery with the excitement of it all.

Yes, yes, I was excited about crying - get over it.

"I slept with someone."

It was barely a whisper, but I heard it.

"Huh?" Dumb thing to say when you know exactly what the other person said.

"Rafe..." He was biting his lip - but not in a cute way. It was a I've-done-something-bad-and-don't-want-to-tell-you-look. "I met him and we got super drunk, I mean completely and I just - I hardly remember it."

"Oh. So...you had sex?"

"Yes," he spoke so softly, his eyes cast to the ground.

"Oh." I couldn't form words. The power of speech had been knocked out of me and my new-found emotions ran straight after it. "Oh. Ok."

"Rafe I'm so - "

"Hey no, what? It's ok." I kicked into an overdrive I didn't know I had. "It's not like we were together or anything."

His eyes snapped to look at me. "I guess not."

"No, so...it's fine. I mean - I cried without you and you fucked...without me so......we just said we'd help each other, not that we had to, y'know...do it together."

There was a pause. My tears were raining inside, flooding my chest so fast it hurt. Alex looked tired, looked shocked, but not upset. I hadn't said anything that hurt him. Perhaps I'd said his excuse before he could.

"I'm happy for you Rafe. I'm glad you found what you needed."

We looked each other dead in the eye.

"You too, Alex." I gave the smallest smile. "So what's his name? Native Floridian?"

"Huh? Oh yeah. Brent."

"Brent. Nice, good American name."

"Yeah." He was looking at his shoes.

"So, do you...do you want to talk?" I wanted him to stay, I wanted him to say that it was a one time thing, that he regretted it, that he wanted to be with me, that he wished it had been me fucking him, that he wanted to make love, then and there. That he loved me too.

But no. He told me he had to go. And then he said -

"I'll see you around."

As the door shut behind me I fell to the floor and curled up into the tightest of balls.

"I'll see you around"..............


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