The Shadow I'm In

I made my way to his room. His door was open, but I stopped in the doorway anyway. He was busy laying a few blankets on the ground for himself for a makeshift bed, and he didn’t even notice that I was there. I looked around his room for a moment; everything was the same as it had been that day when I had come in there to thank him. Though I noticed the blanket that I had gotten him was one that sat off to the side from where he was still pulling blankets and sheets to his floorbed. I raised my hand and knocked lightly on his door. He looked up with his green eyes, his face lighting up with a smile.

“You don’t have to knock. You can just come in.” He stated with a soft chuckle coming from his lips. This was the him that I knew. Not the one that I saw at school earlier that day, with a look of outrage on his face. This one that was all smiles.

“So-sorry.” I stated, as I walked into his room and stood awkwardly in the doorway, after offering an embarassed smile. This didn’t seem like such a good idea now that I was actually in his room. What if mom found out? She wouldn’t be happy that her baseball star was sleeping on the floor and not on his bed. It could hurt his back or something like that.

“It’s okay. Don’t be so nervous.” He stated and stood up, wearing only a cotton t-shirt and a pair of boxers. It started to make me wonder if most boys just wore their underwear to bed and maybe a shirt. Roden had just worn his boxers as well, though, without the shirt. “Well there’s the bed, go on and try it out.” He insisted, as he reached over and took up the blanket that I had gotten him from the floor and laid it on top of his makeshift bed on the floor, the last blanket that he had to place down.

I did as he said and walked over to his bed, sitting on it awkwardly. His bed was like I remembered it from the time when he had hugged me. Soft, just like mine. A bit bigger. Mine was a twin and his was a full size. I was looking over the blankets and covers that he had on it when I heard him chuckle again.

“Unless you intend on sleeping sitting up, lay down. I’ll get the light.” I slid back a bit, my cheeks burning from the blush that had risen to them, so that my feet were off the ground, and I pulled the covers down to get under them. As soon as I laid my head against his pillow, his scent overcame me. Like old leather and soap and grass. It was him. The lights went out and a small smile crept onto my face; I felt giddy inside. “Night, Basil.” I heard him say, as he shifted into the make-shift bed.

“Night Scott.” I answered back, inhaling more of his scent from his pillow. It was kind of comforting. Knowing that he cared about me, that is.

~

The next week was crazy. Dad had stayed home from his job so that he could help mom get some things settled with me. He wouldn’t let me go back to school for the week either. It made me nervous really. He wouldn’t let me leave the living room. I couldn’t go to my room at all besides to get clothes and to take a shower. He was home too. He was suspended for fighting in school for a week, along with being suspended from the baseball team for however long. Mom wasn’t too happy about it to say the least. She was giving me dirty looks whenever our eyes met, or when we were in the same room together without him or dad.

Crimson had been trying to get a hold of me ever since that first day, but I didn’t want to talk to her. Not right now at least, she had cried because of me. Of what happened to me. It was weird though, he wanted me to talk to her. He kept pushing it. He was always the one answering the phone when she called. I didn’t understand why he wanted me to talk to her. He hated her before. What had changed?

It was Friday when dad finally got me into a therapist that specialized in rape cases. I would have figured that he would have gotten me in sooner than that, but it seemed like all of the ones that he wanted me to go to were booked and couldn’t fit me in. Finally he pulled a few strings and here I was, sitting in the sterile waiting room with dad at my side. I fidgeted nervously in the chair I was sitting in. I had never been to this kind of doctor before. What would it be like? Of course I had watched movies or heard stories about people laying down on big chairs or couches, and the other person asking them how they feel, but was that what really happened in one of those rooms?

“Don’t be nervous. Mrs. Smuckler is only going to ask you some questions. Whatever you want to say, go for it. Or you don’t have to say anything.” Dad tried to comfort me, I guess. He reached his hand over and patted my knee gently before looking back up at the woman behind the desk. He had been glaring at her for the last ten minutes, because Mrs. Smuckler’s case before mine was taking longer than it should have. The woman didn’t pay him any mind though.

A few more minutes went by before the other door in the office opened. A short and pudgy woman came out, a large smile on her face. She reminded me of the woman off of that one cooking show. I forget her name, but she had a blue velvet cake made for her in the shape of a guitar one time, I think. But that wasn’t important.

“Hello Mr. Aden.” The woman greeted my father, before her knowing eyes turned onto me. I shifted again in my seat. “Hello Basil.” Her attention went back to my father as he stood.

“Well I trust that he will still get his hour, even though you were late.” The pudgy woman looked a bit flustered for a moment, before the kind look was back on her face.

“Of course.”

“Good.” My father’s attention turned to me next. “I’m going to be right out here. So if you don’t like her or something happens, just come get me and we’ll go somewhere else.” He stated with a serious look on his face. I nodded my head, seeing the woman fluster again for a moment.

“Al-alright.” I muttered out, getting up from my seat. Dad patted my shoulder as he once again sat down. The woman smiled at me and motioned to follow her into the back of the office. I didn’t really have much of a choice, so I followed behind her. We went into a smaller room off to the side.

There was a desk with a chair and another chair in the room. Also a bookshelf and some other things that I didn’t really take notice of. She took the seat next to the desk and motioned for me to take the other.

“Hello Basil, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Edith Smuckler. You can call me Edith though.” She made eye contact with me for a minute, before she moved to get a few things off her desk. A pad of paper and a pen.

“Hi.” I stated softly, fidgeting in this seat too, my hands clasped between my knees.

“So, how are you feeling today?” She seemed far too overly cheery. Didn’t she know that I was raped and that’s why I was here? Who would be cheery?

“F-fine I suppose.” My answers were short. I didn’t feel comfortable with this woman.

“That’s good. Anything on your mind that you want to talk about? Your parents? School? Siblings? Friends?” There were plenty of things to talk about; me being raped by my brother’s best friend. Me having abnormal feelings for my brother on a romantic level. My mother hating me, because I was the cause of getting him suspended from school and the baseball team. My parents not really paying attention to me my whole life. And once again, me being raped by his best friend.

“Not really.” I replied, shifting in my seat.

“Are you sure?” She pushed a bit, writing something down on the paper.

“Yes.” I stated after a moment, shifting in my seat again.

The time passed by so slowly in that office. Edith was asking me about my family life, and my parents, and him and my friends. What it was like for me in school. How my grades were; and things like that. I could feel that she was just itching to ask me about Ken and what he had done to me. We had poked around the topic when we talked about school and my brother’s friends. I didn’t talk about it though. I didn’t even tell anyone that I was raped; Ken had shouted it out to the whole school, not me.

I hadn’t really said anything about it to anyone. Well, besides the police I suppose. I couldn’t look them in the face though when I talked about it. I still didn’t want to talk about it. To talk about what it had felt like when he was grunting over me, touching me, speaking to me about him, pushing into me. I didn’t want to! Tears were prickling at the end of our time from all my thoughts, but I hid them from Ms. Smuckler. I didn’t want to talk to her about this. She had never had that feeling before and probably never would. She wasn’t his little brother.

We walked out into the waiting room and dad was still waiting for me. He looked up when he heard the door open and looked me over. The line on his forehead grew slightly as he frowned, turning his eyes to look at my doctor. He was about to open his mouth to say something to her, but she did so first.

“Mr. Aden, can we speak in my office please?” She asked, as she turned from the two of us, and opened the door again. Dad took another look at me before nodding his head and getting up from the chair he had occupied since we had arrived.

“Here, you can go turn the car on and sit out there if you want.” Dad stated, as he handed me the keys to his car.

“Thanks.” I muttered softly, and headed out of the office. I felt better once I was out of there. It felt- I didn’t know how to describe it. Just like they were expecting me to spill everything, and break down and say I wanted to kill myself or something. But I didn’t, and I didn’t want to feel like that. I opened the passenger door to dad’s car and slid in, putting the keys into the ignition and turning the car on. The air conditioner blasted me in the face with hot air for a moment before it cooled down. I was fidgeting with my phone. I needed to talk to someone, but it wasn’t going to be Ms. Edith Smuckler.

But I didn’t want to talk about Ken. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t part of my family. My fingers were hovering over Crimson’s number for a moment. She would be someone I could talk to but I hadn’t talked to her since I left school that day. It would be weird and strange. She knew. Her parents knew. Roden probably knew too. For some reason that thought made my stomach knot even more. I hadn’t even thought of Roden after Crimson had mentioned him in class before Ken shouted to the world what happened. Maybe I could talk to Roden, but I didn’t have his number. And well, it made me nervous to think about talking to him about this.

Crimson was still on my list though, so I pressed the button and soon my cell was dialing her number. I put the phone to my ear when it started to ring; she had some kind of play back tone from a song I had never even heard of before. But I didn’t get much time to listen to it; she picked up right away.

“Basil!” She shouted into her phone. “Oh my god! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for forever! But you never wanted to talk to me.” Her voice held a pouting tone to it.

“I’m sorry.” I stated softly. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“No need to be sorry love. How are you holding up?”

“Fine.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. I just got out of a session with this doctor that dad set me up with.” I responded, feeling a bit more confident.

“Really? Ugh. I hate those doctors if it’s the kind that I think you’re talking about.” She responded with distaste in her voice.

“Yeah. I didn’t really say anything to her.”

“Maybe she’s not the right one for you. I had to go through a few of them to find one I liked.”

“What are they saying at school?” It had been weighing on my mind since that day. Since it had happened, really. What would my classmates think? What about my teachers? The sports team? Crimson paused for a moment though, and I grew nervous.

“Not a lot really. The teachers want to keep it hush- hush, but we have been seeing signs up around the halls and stuff about abuse. And they’re setting up an assembly for rape and abuse and stuff like that. And students talk. Some whisper that Ken was making it all up to get back at Scott for something that he did. Some believe it to be true, and have been getting stuff together to send to you. They’ve been asking me about you as well.” She was pausing again for a moment. “Some also say that you wanted it, and you were gay all along, and wanted to get in Ken’s pants since day one. But they say it in not so nice words.” That made my stomach drop. That’s what I thought they would do. That’s why I was never going to bring it up. They all thought that Ken wasn’t telling the truth, and I wanted to have sex with him. That he was just saying he raped me to get back at him. My stomach was twisting more. I felt ill, my skin was growing hot.

“Basil?” Crimson asked over the phone.

“Thanks.” I stated, once I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up anymore.

“Listen, that last group is really small. Mostly just the baseball team. Most don’t believe them. Even some of the cheerleaders stuck up for you against them!” The blonde girl exclaimed over the phone. It didn’t make me feel any better though. It was still gnawing away at my insides, making me feel sick.

“I’m going to let you go.” I stated, glancing at the doors wondering when dad was going to come out.

“Wait! Roden’s been worried about you as well.” I stayed silent as I took in that information. It made my heart race in my chest, and my breathing became a little bit more shallow. He knew as well? I figured he knew, but still, it shocked me that it was true. I wondered what Roden thought of me now? Was he disgusted that he had kissed someone like me? Someone who was dirty? “He wants to talk to you. I was wondering if I could give him your number.” Crimson asked a bit hesitantly over the phone. “I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t have told him, but my parents were being no help about it and I needed to talk to someone. And well, he’s always been my go- to person, ever since we were little kids.” She tried to explain, though I stayed quiet, my mind racing again. I was thinking about wanting to talk to Roden anyway.

“Sure.” I stated finally, after listening to Crimson go on and on about Roden and her parents and just random stuff to fill the silence with. I think it made her uncomfortable, sitting on the phone with silence, me not talking.

“Alright. I’ll give it to him tonight. Thank you so much, Basil.” I could tell there was a slight smile her voice when she spoke that time. “He’ll probably be calling you soon. He really was worried about you. Seems you had a heart to heart with him when we went out last weekend, and he‘s been slightly overprotective sounding.” Her voice was amused now, one of those voices that says they know something that you didn’t. It kind of made me shift uncomfortably in the car’s seat. Was there something she wasn’t telling me about Roden? It sure seemed like it. “But since you have to go, love, I’ll let you go. I’m just happy to hear from you. I was so worried, when you left; you were as pale as a ghost and didn’t seem all there.” Was I really like that?

“I’m fine now.” I stated into the phone but it sounded fake; even to my own ears. What was I supposed to say? I looked up as a shadow moved passed my window. It was dad. “I’ll talk to you later.” I spoke into the phone and waited for her to say goodbye before hanging up. Dad had slid into the car just as I shut my phone.

“You’re going to someone else.” He simply stated; a scowl on his face. It made me inch a bit closer to my door.

“W-what di-did she say?” My voice was hesitant as he started up the car. He glanced over at me for a moment, before a slight smile curved his lips. It looked forced.

“Nothing that you need to worry about, Basil. I promise the next one will be better.” He stated, as he pulled out of the parking lot. I nodded slightly, and turned to look out the window as the other cars went by. I wondered what Ms. Smuckler had said to dad to make him resent her so much. He had tried so hard to get me an appointment to see her, and then to go change his mind. She must have said something really bad to upset him.

It just took a few minutes to get home from Ms. Smuckler’s office. Dad didn’t say a word to me when he got out and went into the house. He must have really been angry. I was slower in going into the house. It was late afternoon and the sun was going down already. I stood for a bit, out on our lawn, just looking around. I hadn’t really been outside a whole lot after everything had come out. Not that I went outside a lot before then, but it was nice to be free from dad and his eyes for a few minutes.

“Basil!” His voice broke through my thoughts, my head swiveling to look at him standing in the doorway. My breath caught for a moment. I had forgotten how he looked with the sun bouncing off his hair, or how his skin seemed to glow. It caused a red flush to come to my cheeks. “There you are. Dad came in and you didn’t follow, so I was wondering where you were.” He stated, his face beaming with a smile. “I was wondering if you wanted to play this new video game with me.” His hand went up to rub at the back of his neck, in a nervous manner. “I didn’t know what kind you like, but I bought this fighting game, it’s a two player so we can play at the same time.”

“S-sure.” I stated as I made my way closer to the door. My heart was pounding in my chest. He wanted to play a game with me. He asked me to play one with him. And he was smiling at me.

“Great. We can play in my room.” He looked nervous again for a second. “I hope you don’t mind but I kind of took the system out of our room. I didn’t know if you liked mine or not so I bought the game to go with yours.” It almost made me giggle. He was acting so nervous. So unlike himself. Is this how he was with the girls that he dated? Or with his friends? For some reason I couldn’t see how he could be so nervous around them or me. He had never acted anything other than sure of himself.

“It-its fine.” I stated, as we moved into the house. It wasn’t like it was getting any use in my room. I wasn’t even allowed in my room. Now it was my turn to be nervous, as we moved back to his room. I shouldn’t have been. I had been sleeping there for the last week. Mom hadn’t been very happy about it, but she didn’t say anything about it after the first time she caught me sleeping in his bed, and he was on the floor.

“Hop on the bed and I’ll set everything up.” He instructed, moving to the game system that he had taken from my room. I followed his instructions and got onto his bed, scooting back so that my back rested against his wall. “Alright, we’re in business.” He stated, as he grabbed two of the wireless controllers and joined me on his bed, handing me one of them once he was settled next to me.

It took me a while to relax but soon, I was getting into the game just as much as he was. We were yelling at each other, not in a bad way, just in the way that you do when you play a video game with someone and they’re beating you at a certain part. I wondered if this was what normal brothers did. How they felt all the time. Smiling and grinning at each other, laughing with each other. Crimson and Roden acted kind of like this. Though they were more abusive to each other than we were being.

“Alright, you’re cheating somehow little brother.” He finally accused, after getting his ass beat six times a row, throwing his controller down on his bed.

“I am not!” I countered; a grin on my face. It had been awhile since I had felt this comfortable around him. Years really. Since we were little kids, before he became mom’s baseball star.

“Whatever. I’ll get it out of you how you’re cheating. You’re still ticklish on your sides, right?” I looked at him, confused for a moment, wondering what he was getting at. I didn’t know if I was still ticklish. I hadn’t been tickled in years. But I didn’t have much more time to think about it, because he was on me. I let out a surprised squeal, than hysterical giggles when his fingers danced at my sides. “Guess that’s a yes.” I tried to squirm away from him, but he had me pressed up against the wall, his body hovering over mine.

“Scott!” I was getting out of breath. “Scott, please!” It was starting to hurt, not being able to breathe properly, not to mention my eyes were tearing up. “St-stop!” I urged, but he kept going. “Oh! Oh! God!” I gasped. “Scott!” I whimpered from under my giggles.

“Alright, alright. I guess you weren’t cheating.” He finally stopped his tickling, and I was gasping for breath, pressed against the wall.

“Y-yeah. I wasn’t.” I had managed to catch a little bit of my breath. He was still hovering over me though, a grin plastered on his face. It was then that I got nervous again and my breath started to become irregular for a completely different reason. I don’t know if he noticed or not, and I was slowly slipping down the wall. He had tickled me. Made me squirm under him. My cheeks were staining red.

“My bad. We-” He was interrupted by my pocket ringing. I had completely forgotten about my cell phone. I barely used it, so I forgot about it often. It was a welcome distraction though; it broke us out of whatever mode we had been in. He moved from where he was over me, and went to sit on the floor in front of his bed, picking up one of the controllers, and went to a single player mode. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought he was mad or upset. Though maybe he was. I quickly took my phone out of my pocket, sliding back up so my back was fully resting on the wall. It was a number I didn’t know. I bit my lip for a moment wondering if I should answer it or not.

“Hello?” I questioned, as I answered the phone. I don’t know why I did but I did. Maybe because so few people had my number that I figured it would be Crimson or someone calling from a different number.

“Basil.”

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A/N: OMG! Its been so long~
Sorry for the wait. Lots of stuff going on. Moving, college, laptop breaking while I was working on the chapter. Yeah, not good times, but its okay because I’m back now! Yay! But it till probably be another month before I get the next chapter up. Have lots of test and stuff going on in the next two-three weeks.
I’ve already started on the next chapter though! 8D

And thanks to my wonderful Beta for poking me and stuff. XD

And thanks for all the reviews and ratings~ They really keep me going! I would have probably stopped this story long ago if I hadn't gotten such a big response from it!