Bela the Nymphomaniac Vampire Slayer

Chapter 13: Why Bela only uses vampires for their bodies

“Goddamn fuck! What the bleeding hell is going on here?!”

Gareth's dulcet tones are not exactly my favourite alarm clock, but weirdly I feel somewhat comforted by the sound of him ripping into someone. I can feel the hard wood of a table beneath me, and someone has made me a pillow out of what feels like a woollen jumper, and a blanket out of a long coat of some sort. My eyes are shut and I can't feel anyone near me, so I remain motionless, pretending I'm still out of it.

I tune out the yelling and zone inward, trying to put the pieces back together.

I realise I must have passed out at some stage back there- the last thing I remember clearly is watching Taylan kill those two vamps in a move that looked like something out of a Chinese action movie- and then...

Okay, so it looks like I managed to swoon in Taylan's arms like some pathetic bint from the cover of a cheesy three dollar romance novel.

That's just fucking mortifying.

Fuck, I'm never going to hear the end of this one. I can't believe I reacted so badly! I mean, shit, it's certainly not the first time I've had to kill a couple of vampires, and it sure as hell isn't the first time I've been in a near death situation- I've been in a near death situation every time I took a vampire home for a last hurrah before I stabbed them in the heart. Every time I walked willingly into a dingy alley knowing full well that one wrong move and I'd be dead.

Fuck, it's arguable that I'm dancing with death everytime I manage to upset some of the other slayers by accidentally sleeping with people who didn't let me know they were off-limits. They are all quite accomplished in killing people-shaped things.

So what was different this time?

Oh, you mean apart from the fact that this time you weren't looking for trouble? This time you were just walking la la la happy happy not a care in the world, completely forgetting the fact that vamps never take days off! This time the vamp in charge wanted to chit chat. You know perfectly well Bela that that only happens when they want to test you- see if you're worthy to join them. You of all people know that. Fear that. That's what you're really scared of, isn't it Bela. You don't want to become what you've hunted for all this time. You don't want to feel what they feel, die with blood of innocents on your hands, in your belly.

I've always done my best to...

Remember Lorraine?

Yes, of course I remember Lorraine. Poor stupid idiotic Lorraine. She's the reason Heidi won't talk to me anymore. How could I forget that pathetic bitch.

Well, she was your little sister's best friend. And it's not polite to speak ill of the dead.

Hitler and Dracula are dead, and everyone speaks ill of them.

Yes, but Bela, you're forgetting that they're the boring people who invoke their names and deeds to win arguments. Remember how you told Aarti that if she godwinned like that again you were going to tie her up naked to a telegraph pole and organise some dogs to piss on her?

...how drunk was I at the time?

You already know the answer to that, stupid. It was at the Christmas party last year. Fortunately, Aarti is a light weight so she doesn't remember, and fortunately no one else was paying attention to what you were saying.

...Well that's something I guess.

You're a bloody twit. Back to my point. Remember how you could have saved Lorraine?

How could I have saved her? I warned her! I told her exactly what she was getting into, but she wouldn't listen to me!

Of course she didn't fucking listen to you! No one was listening to you then. They thought you were mad, remember? Telling crazy stories about how you and a man in a wheelchair had made these people disintegrate with a couple of crossbow bolts, and that two of them had stolen away Tao! Clearly a brutal mugging/kidnapping had occurred and your mind splintered from the trauma of the event!

In their defense, I was pretty fucking traumatized. Who wouldn't be! I just saw my one and only long-term boyfriend dragged off by a couple of vampires! And no one would believe me! They put me in the fucking crazyhouse!

Oh cry me a river you blubbering poor-me. Nana believed you. Heidi does now.

Yeah, I know. But Nana told me I was better off keeping my mouth shut. She was right. I would have been better off. But it was too late. The damage had been done. By the time they let me out of that fucking institution and I saw Lorraine... Heidi doesn't care that I was right. She's angry that I couldn't stop her best friend from killing herself.

You should have knocked her over the head, dragged her back to your flat, then kept her tied to a chair until you knew that she wouldn't chase after it.

Yeah, nice one. That would have done a hell of a lot of good for my claims that my “insanity” had been temporary.

So what, you saying that you traded her for your reputation? Don't make me laugh.

You're wrong. Being part of me, you know bloody well that I couldn't have done anything to stop her. She was already mesmerised. Entranced. Even if I had tied her to a chair, eventually people would have come looking for her, and then I'd be back in the asylum, only this time it would have been permanent... I did get the vampire that turned her. I can say that much at least.

Yeah, too fucking late. She was already gone. Dead and she didn't know it yet. Slave to a monster. You gave her a chance to see what he was- god knows you seduced him quickly enough. And then she walked in on you staking him as you rode him like a bronco. She was close enough that she was hit by some of the flying dust from his remains. Mummification grey did not go well with that peaches and cream complexion, did it.

Ha fucking hah hah. You're a riot you know that? Bring on the tear gas.

What, so you can cry like a little bitch? Like you cried over pathetic Lorraine's corpse?

I had to kill her. That wasn't Lorraine. Not anymore. She might have looked like Lorraine with anemia, but it wasn't her.

No, but you could have saved her before it came to that. She called you a murdering whore. Was it really a surprise that she reacted the way she did when she found out that the vampire she was convinced was her soul mate, waiting centuries just for her, who had already introduced her to his mates, was seduced and then murdered by a vicious harpy like you?

I didn't realise anyone could be that stupid! What part of “vampires are creatures of the night that subsist on human blood” makes people think that they'd make good partners? What the fuck is the attraction?

Hey, you fuck them regularly enough, you tell me.

Oh shut the fuck up, it's hardly the same. I only do that to put them in a vulnerable enough position for me to kill them. I use them. I'm sure as hellfire not looking for- or expecting- any long term commitment.

Which is fortunate, because you suck at that.

Pft, it's not like I've made the opportunity, is it? Since Tao I've never been interested in a man for anything but his body or his skills at staying alive, so until I meet someone who is as sweet, intelligent, interesting... okay and as hot as Tao, then why the fuck would I even bother trying?

Touché.

Why thank you. In any case, I just don't fucking get it! I mean, sure they're pretty, can give you multiple orgasms until you're ready to pass out, live forever unless they get themselves staked, and then pass that immortality along... though that's a coward's way out. Everything dies. Becoming a vampire might delay it for a bit, and give one the appearance of eternal youth, but it's a wretched-looking fucking existance, having to play unholy parasite. I mean, have you ever seen a happy vampire? There's no such thing. Malicious glee is the closest thing they get to it, and even then it's only the particularly bent ones that seem to be able to pull that one off.

For the sake of argument, I'm going to ignore that last- like you're all sunshine and daisies. Bela, pretend, for just one minute that you are a teenaged girl, instead of a woman that tends to channel one every once in a while. Immortality. Pretty, and multiple orgams. Sexually frustrated teenage girl.

Well, shit. It's still pretty fucking moronic though. I mean, if I ever hear another gormless fanbrat ask the question (giggling obnoxiously of course), “Oh Em Gee guys, what do you think would like, happen if like, this totally hot vampire came in through my window and wanted to be my Bee Eff?”

Answer: “Your family would be dead, you'd be Turned, and you'd suddely have a taste for rare meat. Next!”

Exactly my point.

Well yes, I am part of you you know. Thus my ability to perfectly time my comic repartee.

Well duh, you stupid bint.

Numbskulled Twit.

Gangrenous Bitch.

Psycho Whore.

You know, for an inner voice, you're quite mean. Gutless Cloacal Excretion.

Match you well, don't I, Bitch. Slut. You know that's what Tristan thinks of you. Even after you gave him more of your body than anyone else but Tao. Your taste is impeccable, as always.

Shut your whore mouth you trashy, loud-mouthed skank.

Festering pustule of idiocy.

Trampy undead-fucker.

Damn straight.

Oh man! Bested by myself!

Would you prefer to be bested by someone else?

...You have a point there.

Ugh. Moving right along.

You know, it's probably not a good sign that I can fight myself like this. One might start to think that I'm as insane as the psychiatrists originally thought. Before I started lying really, really well, anyway.

You mean before you started lying better, and before Nana sprung you from their condescending antiseptic claws.

That too. I mean seriously though, they'd probably think I had some sort of dissociative personality thing going- that's what they call multiple personalities disorder these days.

Yes, yes, yes, moving right along. So anyway, Lorraine sees her soulmate get dusted in the middle of partnering you in the old bump 'n' grind, screams blue murder at you...

Yes, I believe the exact words were, “You'll pay you evil boyfriend-stealing bitch!”

Not the last time you ever heard that being yelled at you.

Not the first either. Remember Denise?

Tao's psycho ex? You bet your ass I remember Denise. She cut off our ponytail with a pair of gardening shears when she heard we were dating Tao.

Oh highschool, so stupid.

Like your life has got any less ridiculously immature and overdramatic.

Shut up.

Make me.
...Ihate you.

Which is one of the reasons you keep doing this, isn't it.

What, multiple orgasms from unnaturally skilled lovers isn't a good enough reason?

... I'll get back to you on that. Though we haven't had one of those in a while.

Pft. It's been what, a week?

Almost ten days. Your last few have all been newbies, or stopped after the first.

Selfish pricks... I miss Heidi. I used to have this kind of argument with her.

You saying I'm not good enough for you?

You're a voice in my head. That is me. I'm talking to myself. This is not in fact a real conversation.

Yeah, but you know how happy Heidi has been with you since you failed to save her best friend. The fact that you had to kill Lorraine in front of your little sister's eyes can't have been a healthy thing for your relationship.

Well I can't help that, can I? If I had a chance to do it over again, I'd have ... well, I don't know what I would have done, but things would have been different.

You might have scared off that asshole that got your sister pregnant, that's for sure.

Yeah, I'm sure Heidi would have thanked me for that. At least the bastard pays maintenance. And his genes aren't all bad- Amy is the sweetest thing.

Hard to tell she's related to you, isn't it.

I'm glad I have you around to keep my ego from ballooning.

No problem. Happy to help. By the way, it might be a good idea to “wake up” now.

Why?

Because they're trying to figure out where to put you, and so far Tristan's couch is sounding like the best option...

Not on my watch.

“...can take her, so long as someone is willing to drive. No way am I carrying her all the way,” says Tristan.

I sit up abruptly. “No thanks Tristan, I swear to fuck you have the least comfortable couch in the Southern Hemisphere. And believe me, I'd know- I've sampled enough of them.”

As one, the room turns and looks at me. Huh, turns out I have quite the audience. Tristan, Jez, Gareth, Taylan, Georgie, Coutt, Aarti, Sam... hell, even Amelia is here. Now that's odd, usually she's gone home by now.
“What? Haven't you ever seen a chick sitting on a table before?”

“Oh my gosh are you okay Bela? We were so worried!” Georgie squeals before closing her laptop and rushing up to hug me.

Awww she cares. I don't think I've seen her close her laptop for anyone before. I knew there was a reason why I liked Georgie. Except...

“Ribs. Crushing. Can't. Breathe!” I gasp. Man, I never would have guessed the girl would have that good a grip on her.

“Oops! Sorry Bela!” Georgie grins up at me, all glasses and curls, and out the corner of my eye I can see Coutt looking on almost... jealously?

Holy shit, did I pick that or did I pick that? Coutt hot for little Georgie?

Man that is just too adorable. I may just have to kill him.

Kidding. But if he upsets Georgie he's fucked.

And not in the good way.

“Bela... are you alright?” I look up to see Taylan moving towards me, all chivalrous concern. Someone should really tell him that chivalry is dead and buried.

Won't be me. It's kinda funny when he starts to pretend he's actually interested in my well-being, and honestly that is something that I've been getting less of lately- for some reason since I achieved urban myth status people have been taking me for granted. I mean shit, just because a couple of people have heard of my exploits, then they suddenly forget that I bleed red just as easily as they do... there have seriously been a couple of Aware tourists that wanted to treat me like I'm some celebrity or something- I shit you not, they wanted my autograph and photo.

I swore the air blue in an attempt to send them running, but they just smiled delightedly, as though it was all part of the show.

Fucking unnerving that was. I was this close to cutting a bitch when they kept following me despite my emphatic suggestion that they go somewhere friendlier.

Hell for example. Perhaps a nest of hungry vamps. They'd be happy for the company.

If Aarti hadn't spotted them and then quickly diverted them, I don't know what I would have done, but Gareth would have probably felt the need to make me regret it.

Forget the fact that he hates tourists even more than I do. Stupid fanbrats, not a full braincell in their collective heads...

I look around at the surrounding faces, and am shocked to see that quite a few of them look genuninely worried. In retrospect, maybe this little episode has been enough to remind them that as a matter of fact, I am human, despite being special.

Ooh yeah baby you know I'm special.

Heh. Arguably a special case.

I'm not sure that this sudden awareness is a good thing though- the notoriety was sometimes its own shield... particularly handy when I didn't want some people to fuck with me.

Ah well, guess you can't have it all. Still, suppose now would be as good a time as any to do some damage control.

“Guys, I'm fine. Just went to Lalaland for a bit there. But I'm all good now. Brain had a little holiday, is all.” I smile winsomely, and move so that my feet are on the ground and I'm leaning, rather than sitting on the table.

Sam snorts, and mutters something to Tristan that is no doubt uncomplimentary. I glare at him and project my thoughts. Fuck you too mister. Oh wait, I already did your girlfriend. Oops, heheh.

I know Sam's no mindreader, but when I achieve eye-contact, he stops sniggering. Apparently he understands expressions perfectly, because a moment later he's glowering fit to turn me into ash.

Pft. I've faced vampires, and he thinks a little deathglare is going to phase me?

Puh-lease. Bitches don't know about my bounceback time- I've got over my little scare and now I'm in an asskicking mood all over again.

...okay I lied about the last part. Man, why am I feeling so goddamned tired all of a sudden?

Taylan must have noticed me swaying, because about a millisecond before I contemplate how comfy the floor looks, he's crossed the floor and heaved me back up onto the table.
“Hey!” I protest automatically.

Taylan just gives me a condescending you aren't fooling me in the least look, before saying teasingly, “You aren't going anywhere yet, stay put while the adults argue about who's going to escort you home now that you're back from 'Lalaland'.” I'm impressed at how straight his face is as he says the last- he said 'Lalaland' like one might normally say 'the shops' or 'Alice Springs' or 'whatever alley you passed out in last night' (which has totally never happened to me, I swear...)

Also, he's sassing me, but eh, I'll get him back later for that.

Too tired right now. That and something else. There's something not right.

“Well since she's awake,” says Aarti, “and I would assume knows where she lives-I still don't see why you couldn't just tell us Mr. Williams- someone call a taxi so Bela can go home.”

Huh, so Gareth doesn't freely give out my address. That's not what I heard.

But first.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this bullshit about me catching a taxi?” I demand.

Aarti turns and frowns at me. “What, you trying to cut down on your carbon emissions? Since when do you not use taxis?”

Okay, you know how I was feeling too tired to snap at Taylan just now?

Well Bela just fucking woke right up again.

“Fucking hell, what is it, sass Bela day?” I imitate Aarti's voice, “since when do you not use taxis. Since a fucking vampire figured out where I lived and was sending me fucking roses! No way in hell am I going home- that house has been compromised. I'm staying the hell away until it's daylight, then I'm going to vamp-proof it.”

“Wait, wait, wait, one, how do you 'vamp-proof' a house, and two, how do you know it was a vampire sending you roses? It might just have been one of your ex-lovers!”

Oh Aarti. So delusional. All my “ex-lovers” who I've taken home are dead. Done and dusted. She wants an explanation? Fine, I'll give her a fucking explanation. Observe my logical fucking argument.

“One: Clearly I'm going to have to burn the damn thing to the ground, now aren't I. Pft. Stupid, I'm going to call in a favour from a witch friend to ward it, then I'm going to move out. My niece is sometimes at my house, there is no fucking way that I'm going to let the 'we won't fucking drop dead' legions anywhere near her. I don't know how many of his little fanged friends he might have told. Two: I know because I staked the fucker now, didn't I. He came waltzing in through my front door, in broad fucking daylight with not a care in the bleeding world, and tried to give me a fucking bouquet of roses! Now my favourite umbrella is covered in vamp dust, my paranoia is at an all time fucking high, I'm sleep deprived, and I haven't had nearly enough alcohol or sex in the last few days to compensate. Do you have any further fucking questions!?”

Aarti blanches and backs away slowly like I'm some sort of crazy person.

Well I'm having fucking awful couple of days, alright? I'm too young for this shit!

Don't ask me how old I am, you will not get an accurate answer.

It's at this point that Taylan clears his throat. “Well Bela, you could always stay with me in my hotel room.”

I'm dead certain a couple of people got whiplash just then from turning to stare incredulously at Taylan.

I know I did.

It's then that I realise that he still has his arm around me, so I make like an eel and squirm out of his grasp.

“What the fuck mate?” No, that wasn't me, that was Tristan. Man beat me to it.

Ignoring Tristan's outburst, I step back and look Taylan deep in the eyes, and think. This man is doing quite a good job at playing enigma. Apparently that was his brother (twin?) that attacked me, Nana and Tristan earlier today. Half of what I've seen of his behaviour has been supposedly due to mind control. He obviously knows his shit- I saw him take out two vamps with a sword not an hour ago, a sword that I currently can't see on him, though obviously it must be secreted somewhere about his person. For some reason he suddenly has Tristan vouching for him, despite the fact that until a few hours ago, Tristan didn't seem to have a goddamn clue who this guy was. And in spite of that since we fought the vampires not an hour ago, Tristan has been trying really hard to separate us for some Tristan sort of reason. Apparently he has some sort of ties to what sounds like the higher ups in the Cooperative. Taylan is utterly gorgeous, articulate, polite, and a complete and utter unknown quantity. A mystery man like something out of some crappy romance novel, the epitome of the Dark Stranger.

Like hell I'm going anyfuckingwhere with him right now.

“No.” I say to him, before turning my back on him. I don't need to see his face to know that he's surprised, but screw that. I'm not in any mood to live up to my own press. I might not have had sex for a couple of days, but honestly, right now all I want is to lie somewhere comfortable, where I feel welcome, safe and where I can sleep undisturbed for at least the next twelve hours.

Maybe make that fifteen. In anycase, this guy is starting to make my weirdshitometer register readings, which would not contribute to me sleeping well tonight.

I look to the only person who has actually shown me any kind of genuine, agendaless respect or niceness all day.

“Georgie, can I crash at yours tonight?”

“Sure Bela,” she bubbles, “I just washed the sheets for the spare bed three days ago, so you're all set.

I smile at her. “Thanks sweetheart. Can we go now?”

Georgie shrugs and starts to get her stuff together. Coutt asks her if he can escort us, but fortunately Georgie declines before I have to snap at him.

Escort us indeed. I'm tired, not an invalid.

While she's packing up her laptop, I turn to Gareth.

“You and I are going to have to have some words later,” he says, expression completely inscrutable.

What is it with people jumping in and saying what I was about to say today?

I eye him warily, but I hold back the snarky comment. It is Gareth after all, and up until today I've never had a single doubt that he had my back. Him I will give the benefit of the doubt.

“Yes. We are.” Is all I reply, and I notice how Amelia steps closer to him then, her placing her hand on his shoulder, wordlessly offering her support for a reason that I can't decipher.

Mysteries wrapped in enigmas tied with a bow made out of fucking social psychology.

Fuck it all.

Wordlessly, I pick up Georgie's backpack, and the two of us head out the door.

We're only about twenty metres down the footpath, when I hear the door behind us suddenly open again, and then feet running to catch up to us.

“Wait! Bela! There's something I have to tell you!”

I spin around, and see that it's Taylan standing there, looking frantic.

Now I'm sure my eyebrows are trying to burrow under my hairline.

What the fuck? You know what, I have no fucking patience left.

“Spit it out then,” is all I say, stepping so that my body is shielding Georgie's. I don't like that light in his eyes. He looks like he's about to do something stupid.

He opens his mouth, and as though in slow motion, I hear him say it.

“Tao isn't dead.”

...............................................................................................................................................................
And that there was lucky chapter 13. Lucky for who? Now there's a good question. ;)


For those who wanted physical descriptions:
Bela: Looks to be in her mid twenties, Short (we're talking like 5'2'' here,) Eurasian in appearance, dark, shoulder-length wavy hair, curvaceous but not in a blow-up barbie doll way, toned pear-shaped physique (she's no stick figure, but she's still fit). Brown eyes, strong features, think classic aristocracy, with the Roman nose, full lips and high forehead. Favours clothes that emphasize her assets, so stilletoes, low-cut tops/corsets and tight pants that still allow her freedom of movement.
Tristan: Caucasian. sandy short-cropped hair is starting to grey, powerfully built- think bouncer, but hold any body-builder disproportions. Steely blue eyes, chiselled features, square jaw. Mid twenties to early thirties, favours tracksuits and other such casual clothing. Over 6ft, but not gargantuan.
Coutt: Early twenties “doesn't need to shave yet” face with a few acne scars. Wears a lot of black- is still hanging onto that trenchcoat. Black hair that's gelled into spikes, because no one's told him the 90s are over. About 6ft 2. Caucasian, with geek tan (re: none).
Taylan: Arabic features, dark skin, thin bladed nose, completely gorgeous, dark curly hair. Think middle-eastern actor/heartthob. Has a scar on his tongue from where he bit it in an accident as a child. About 5ft 9, wears the classier kind of business suit.
Rutley: Ditto, only hold the tongue-scar (apparently. Bela hasn't had a chance to check)
Georgie: Reddish, curly hair, freckles, Early twenties, big sparkly blue eyes, square-framed glasses, is slim, but not underfed-looking. Flat nose, that shows she's about an eighth Aboriginal. Taller than Bela, but not by a heap, so about 5ft 3 or 4. Likes florals, and her denim vest.
Jezebel: 6ft, Amazonian, late 20s, has the presence of an Eastern bloc fitness trainer. Wears casual clothes, vaguely sporty. Hair is tied back in a severe pony tail, and it's that not-blonde not-brown colour that's halfway in between. Werewolf (but she waxes so it's not obvious).
Aarti: Indian descent, taller than Bela and Georgie, but wiry, and built like a gymnast (in her spare time she is). Wears colourful, flowy clothes that give her plenty of freedom of movement, and beads.
Nana Isabela: Short lady, slight hunch. In her late sixties, but spry, and could easily pass for a woman ten years younger. Dyes her hair darker, and wears scandalous dark red lipstick. Wears distinctly unfrumpy clothes for an old lady, that however would only be scandalous were it still the 1950s. Basically: how Bela would look aged 40 years, only with lighter brown eyes and an alcoholic's nose.
The vampires: Cliched. They seem to all have a gothic fixation.

Hope you all enjoyed: Please REVIEW! Tell me what you thought! Liked it, hated it, think you know where this is going? Your input makes me a better writer, so if you think something sucks/is awesome/ could be better/ is boring/ is confusing (be specific if this is the case) TELL ME! :)

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Stay tuned folks, the shit just hit the fan, and things are about to get interesting.