Only the Heart Knows Why, Quax's Days

Only The Heart Knows Why, Quax's Days
Twelve: The Isolation Chamber

Hospitals are crazy places. I've learned that from experience over the last few years. So many people in so many levels of distress it's a wonder that the doctors and nurses are able to get the whole thing working like they do. I guess it's because they're able to shut themselves off emotionally and just do what they need to do. I could never do that myself; I could never look down at someone that's on an operating table and forget that they're a person and not just a pile of parts that needs to be put back together properly.

I suppose it's how you know I'd never be the type for revenge. I couldn't hurt anyone for any reason. Even after the things I've been through I don't think I could hurt any of them. I mean that guy from the other night, well, I don't know anything about that guy. Maybe he has family somewhere that loves him. Maybe his mother and father love him still. Maybe he has kids of his own. I really don't know. But then, maybe he's alone, just like me, and all he has is his memories and his dreams about hot guys in their history class. Well... Maybe that last one is just me.

Still, the doctors seem to care. I can't tell which ones really do and which ones only care because they're paid to. I just wished Kanau was still there. At least I knew he cared, even if he didn't show it too well. I just... knew.

"We're concerned that you might try it again," one of the doctors told me after I asked when I could go home. Which, as you all know, translates to "whenever the hell we feel like it". By now all I wanna do is go somewhere and watch television. I used to be able to get completely lost in it, until my father decided I was being too lazy around the house. It was a sad day for sure, but it was something that always made me at least mellow out. I was only fourteen at the time. What could a parent expect from a child of theirs at that age?

It was then that I was forced to get a job, which was quickly followed by getting most of my money taken to pay for his cigarettes and beer...

Around eleven that morning in walked the same nurse from the night before. She smiled and took a seat with me.

"You seem down," she said as she leaned closer towards me.

I just rolled my eyes. "No kidding," I muttered, looking away from her. Is that the kind of thing you should say to someone just after they... well, you know.

"You want to talk about it?" she asked softly.

I stared up at the ceiling. I hadn't wanted to talk about it for years, despite how much I wanted to, and now, at the point where I should talk about it, I found nothing. There were no stories, no tales, no descriptions of events in my life that I wanted to share with her, or anyone for that matter. I didn't want to forget, or to let go. I just wanted to blob out, to let it all melt over itself and ooze out of my ears and down my stomach where anyone who cared to look could see it and they wouldn't have to ask me questions about it. Right now, all I want is to ignore it. Only one thought came into my mind and it was that "I want to watch t.v."

The nurse frowned lightly, but gave me a slight nod. "I'll see what I can do," she told me softly, touching me lightly on the shoulder and getting up again.

She kept true to her word as well, as about an hour later they brought in a small t.v. set and hooked it up on the wall. One of the guys handed me the remote and I nodded lightly, taking it and idly flicking through the various stations. There's nothing on; there never is at this time of the day, but this isn't about having something to watch. I just want something to tune it out. Something loud and obnoxious.

It's too bad I don't know anyone from Texas.

It managed to keep me distracted for a while until the afternoon news shows started up. I hated those, so I started just idly surfing again as I saw Kanau come into the room. "There's never anything good on t.v.," I muttered to no one in particular.

"Sometimes real life is more exciting than anything on a show," I heard Kanau say softly. Putting the remote down, I turned to him and smiled lightly. He was still looking at the tv though so I took a moment to admire him. I could see the outline of his chiseled chest and shapely stomach. My eyes went down further. I wonder how big... "You pervert."

"I, uh," I stammered, blushing like mad and looking up at his face; I can't believe he caught me looking there! "Er, sorry..."

I was so embarrassed but he just rolled his eyes and looked at his watch. "I should return Aledren's car," he said to no one in particular. "He's gonna be pissed."

I frowned lightly. Aledren must've been that angry guy I gave Kanau's phone to and if he's as angry as that to Kanau then... I don't know what to think. "Maybe he'd understand that you were helping a friend?" I said, hoping it would help, but knowing it wouldn't.

"He'd rather hit me over the head with his cane again," he says quietly. I gasped a little and stared up at him. I'd figured it'd be bad for him at home but didn't think it would be like that. My dad's done a lot of terrible things but they were all involving doors, like locking me out of things and pushing me down other things. He'd never hit me with something like that. "You're not the only one with a shitty home life to return to," he said after a while, before sighing softly and looking at the floor. "Now I don't even have anyone to go to when Aledren gets too," he paused, looking for the right word, "violent."

I don't know what to say to that. I wished so hard I could make all his troubles go away; I'd throw myself around him like a blanket, to shield him, to protect him. But me? I was my own kind of mess. He didn't need me, and I'm sure didn't want me hanging around making things harder for him all the time. Like how I'd already made him lose a lot of sleep and possibly have that Aledren guy mad at him for running off with his car. But I thought he had someone. "What about your boyfriend?" I asked him, surely he would be there for him.

"As far as I'm concerned, he's my ex now," he growls, glaring off into space. The room got heavy and I instantly regretted asking, but... I didn't know they'd broken up. "He's a fucking cheater, anyway," he continued, clenching his fists angrily. "I was always so fucking loyal to him, and the bastard goes and fucks someone else while he's away, and then expects me to just forgive him? How the hell do I know he won't just go out and do it again, and again, and again?"

Then Kanau started crying. He didn't sob but I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. He really did love that blonde guy, Kaddar. I can't imagine what it's like to be cheated on like that. I've never been in a serious relationship, let alone one that ended like that. It must hurt like nothing else... And then I started to cry as well. I couldn't tell if it was for myself or for Kanau; I didn't care. I just wanted to hold him, to stoke his back. I wanted to wipe away his sadness. But he just looked away from me and blinked the tears from his eyes. We weren't getting closer after all, I guess... I thought that after last night he might have actually cared but I guess he just didn't want me to be annoying him on the phone all night. I guess I really am worthless... I felt my tears start to fall down my cheeks.

There was a scraping noise. Kanau had gotten to his feet. "I'm sorry," he said without looking at me, "I have to go now." He walked off towards the door.

I sat up, holding the edge of my bed to keep myself from falling over. "K-Kanau, wait!" I called after him as my tears turned to choked sobs. "Don't leave me," I said, dropping my chin to my chest, the tears and sobs now uncontrollable as I grabbed the remote for the television and threw it across the room. It scattered across the floor and I brought my knees to my chest, burying my face and just letting the tears come out. All I could do now was cry and wish that Kanau would come back. I just wanted him to come back.

I just wanted my hero to come back...