Love, Lose, Live

The hand stroking my head is confusing me. Why is it nice? It was hitting me a second ago. There’s no laughter either. What is going on? I lift my head to see James on the side of the bed. He looks down at me and I see his red eyes from crying. “You were crying again” James says to me, his hand resting on my head. I move out from under his hand and stand next to the bed. I look down and realize that I am still in this somber black suit. I begin to peel out of it just letting the clothes drop wherever. I pull out one of Brian’s t-shirts and put in on along with a pair of his pajama bottoms. I have to pull the drawstring very tight so that they will stay on. I walk back to the bed and curl up on my side. I feel the bed depress behind me but James didn’t touch me. I pull my long hair closer to me so he won’t lay on it and fall back to sleep.

Once I wake up, I go take a shower. I scald my skin because I turn the water up too high but I don’t care. The pain makes me feel more real, more awake. Getting out, I don’t even bother drying me hair and get back into Brian’s clothes. Going downstairs, I hear voices. I walk to the kitchen and see a lot of people in there but I just go to the fridge and get the juice. I pour myself a glass, put the juice back and go to the living room. I sit in the chair facing the window which reveals the willow in the side yard. The birds a flitting around it and a few butterflies are in the yard. I hear the voices move towards me and a hand lands on my shoulder but I don’t look up at the person. They lean down next to me so I finally look over to see James. “Lucas, are you ok?” I stare at him and just shake my head. I look back out the window. “Lucas. Lucas, we need to go out.” I shook my head again. “Lucas, you can’t stay in this house. You’ve been walking around zoned out for a week now.” I don’t move. “Fine. We’re going to go. Be back soon.” They all walk away and hear the front door shut. I walk back to the kitchen to put my glass in the sink and see the knife block. I take a knife out of the block and lock at it. Tears begin to slide down my face and I slide to the floor. I dig myself into the corner and just cry. I take the knife and cut down my wrists. I can finally leave this life behind and go see Brian. I let out a sigh as I feel a sense of relief. I start to blackout and hear someone yell my name. My last thought before I blackout is “shit.”

I open my eyes and I see white but it does not look like the pearly white the churches promise. As more sensations come to me I realize that something is on my face. I lift my hand but it doesn’t come up. I look down and see the mask on my face and I realize I’m in a hospital. I try to pull my hand up again and when it doesn’t come up I look down at my arm. I see bandages and restraints. The restraints immediately make my panic rise. I start to struggle and I see some people come in the door but I just stare at the restraints. “Lucas! Lucas! Look at me. I need you to look at me.” I look over at the person standing over me. I don’t know them so I panic even more. “Lucas, stay looking at me. You need to calm down. We can’t take the mask and restraints off until you calm down. Come on sweetie. You need to slow your breathing and calm down.” I close my eyes and try to center myself. I keep chanting that I need to calm down to myself and eventually it starts to work. “Good. You’re doing fine. Lift your head so that I can slip the mask off.” I open my eyes when the woman begins to speak and life my head like she asks. “Would you like some water?” I let out a rather raspy reply and the straw is placed between my lips. I pull the refreshing liquid in and when sated, let my head fall back. The woman puts the glass down but does not move to release the restraints. “Lucas. We need to talk. As you have realized, you have restraints on. We put this on because we believe you are a danger to yourself. We looked back in your records and saw that this is not the first time you have attempted to kill yourself. We will release you but only if you promise that you will not try to harm yourself” I begin to nod “and you talk to the psychiatrist. If you do not talk to him, you will be transferred to a facility to take care of you. You cannot just see this psychiatrist once. You have to continue to go see him. If at any time he feels you need more care and watching than he can do, you will be transferred to a facility that can give you that attention. Do you understand?” I nod. “I need a vocal answer.”
“Yes. I understand.”
“Good. He’s here to see you now.” She walks to the door and lets in a man in green sweater and khakis. He wears glasses and has fluffy, short blonde hair. The nurse leaves and he sits next to the bed.
“Hello Lucas. My name is Dr. Williams but you can call me Kevin. I’m going to take off the restraints so you can move around. Does that sound good?” I nod for him. He releases my arms and I bring on up to scratch the itch on my cheek. “I bet that has been driving you mad hasn’t it?”
“Yes it has.” He smiles, then sits back down and pulls out a notepad from the briefcase he brought in with him.
“Lucas, I know you just woke up and you probably want to see you friends and family but we need to talk. We need to talk about what happened and why it happened. Why did you try to kill yourself?”
I look out the window and reply “Because I didn’t want to live anymore.”
“And why is that? What happened?”
“I know that I have to but I want to tell you here and now I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“I know you don’t but like you said you have to. If you don’t, you’ll be transferred to a psych facility.”
“I tried to kill myself because… because my boyfriend of nine years who was my friend for even longer died about three weeks ago.” The tears have begun to run again. I reach up to wipe them away and feel the gauze brush against my cheek.
“That’s not everything is it? Most people wouldn’t attempt suicide after that. There is somewhat more am I right?”
“Look, I’m not going into my entire life here and now. I don’t know you and it’ll take too long.”
“I’m not asking for your entire life. I want to know what happened the night your boyfriend died.”
“Fine. Brian died because I wanted to go out clubbing. He didn’t really want to go but I begged until he caved. He was out because of me and it’s my fault that he died. You happy now? You’ve got the fucking story about why I hate myself and my life and wanted to die.” I glare at him.
“I’m not going to take the bait you just handed me. You’re trying to provoke me to anger so that I will leave you alone but it won’t work. And it was not your fault. Did you kill him? He died by being shot am I right?” I nod. “Did you pull the trigger?”
“No.”
“Did you send somebody to kill him?”
“Of course not.”
“Then you did not kill him. It is not your fault and when you realize that, you’ll be much better off. We’re done talking for today. You have an appointment in my office two days from now at two in the afternoon. You have to be there. Have I made myself clear?”
“Yes you have. May I see my family now?”
“I’ll let them in. Who should I give my card to that will be taking you to my office?”
“I guess the best person would be James.”
“Ok. Then I will give it to him. I will see you Friday at two correct?” I nod again. He smiles and walks out of the room, leaving the door open. Brian’s parents walk in along with Erin. James comes in a second later putting Dr. Williams’ card in his wallet. They all have a look of relief and sadness on their faces but James also has a look of disappointment. That looks hurts worse than anything else.
“You gave us quite a scare Lucas. We thought that this type of thing was behind you” Brian’s mother says to me.
“I’m sorry” I say to her meaning it.
“I know that baby.” She leans down and kisses me on the head.
“We were all worried about you son” Dad says to me. Erin nods but James just looks at me that disappointment still on his face. “Luckily you’re to be discharged tomorrow morning. You just have to get through tonight and then you can go home. Or you can come over to our house. Whatever you decide.”
“Thank you but I would like to go home. I have some things that need to be taken care of.”
“Alright. Well the Mrs. and I have some things to take care of as does James so Erin will be sitting with you. James will be here in the morning to take you home. Does that sound good?”
“Yes sir.”
“Sir?” He raises his eyebrow at me.
I smile a little, “Yes Dad.”
“Good. Come on wife. Let us depart.” Mom and Dad walk out. James leaves without a word.
“I really hurt him didn’t I?”
“You really hurt all of us.” She looks at me and I see the pain in her eyes.
“I am so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just acted out of pain and I didn’t think about the consequences of my actions. I didn’t want to hurt you guys.”
“I know baby. I have forgiven and so have Brian’s parents but you really hurt James. It’s going to take a while for him to come around. I do have some good news, and yes this is me obviously changing the subject, they GSN in here.”
“Cool. Go ahead and turn it on.” She turns on the television and stops when she sees Chain Reaction. “I bet I can beat you again.” I give her a small smile.
“You’re probably right but I still own you in Wheel of Fortune.”
“Not true at all.”
“Yes it is.”
“Not.”
“Is.” We spend the rest of the show bickering and yes, I won the game.