To Become

11:13pm - Hate

Nothing out of the ordinary happened today. Ryan came in to talk to me not too long ago. Actually he just sat down next to me on the cot and stared at me. I was looking down at my legs, sitting cross-legged, ready to lay back on the mattress. We stayed that way for a while. Sara kept looking from her journal to us trying to figure out what was happening, I'm sure. "You've changed." And you have no idea.

Too much pain left on my body from today's "wonderful" journeys. Strange how it seeems to bother me now when just yesterday I was begging and needing. I think I'm scared. Don't show weakness.

Before I could stop. Do you love me? He had turned the other way to see what Brad and Jason were doing, but as he heard those words, his head snapped toward me. "What?" Do you love me? His mind in full gear, thinking of how he should answer. I saw it in his eyes as he fought with himself to say what he had to. The truth, but not wanting me to distance myself again. "No." Why? "You're just a filthy slut." He stood and left, locking the door behind him. The words I needed to hear to remind me that I was still his prisoner. What I was there for. Thank you.

I can no longer let myself be blinded by them. Make money, cause me pain. That's my life. I remember now. How to hate.