Of Truth and Trust

Just a quick couple of notes. This fic was written as a one-on-one RP (role-play), so the focus of the POV changes for the characters being played. My cowriter and I based this off of the famous manga \"Kaze to Ki no Uta,\" though you don\'t need to know the story to follow this one.

// =thoughts
* =emphasis

Thanks for reading--I hope you enjoy.


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Of Truth and Trust
Chapter 12

Nathanial shook his head and leaned closer, putting a hand back on his roommate’s shoulder. “No, no you said ‘us.’ What happened to Collin?” //Sebastian, what’s going on? What have you been hiding?// “What happened to you?”

“Nothing happened to me,” Sebastian muttered, but he knew better than to think that defense would last for long. He wanted to shake the hand off. “And I don’t know what happened to Collin—not yet. But there’s…something inside him that needs to be tended to—carefully.” He rubbed his eyes, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. “I don’t want him to grow up ashamed and afraid, the same I wish for everyone here. You know that.”

Again, Nathanial shook his head, denying what the other was trying to avoid. “I know better, and so do you,” he said softly. He shifted closer. “Why are you so concerned about him—about us?” //I shouldn’t push him, but…. I think he needs tending to as much as any of us.// His fingers curled slightly. “What are you not telling me, Sebastian?”

“A lot of things….” Sebastian snorted with bitter humor. But there was no escaping Nathanial and his questions; everything, including the keeping of his secrets, seemed inconsequential when faced with Nathanial’s wide brown eyes. “Fine,” he declared after a few brief moments of silent consideration. “I’ll tell you. I think Collin was raped.” He met Nathanial’s gaze and held it seriously. Even he could tell that his expression was cold. “Probably years ago. Charlie knows, and is protecting him, but that’s only going to make him more afraid and withdrawn. I want to tear him open.” His fingers curled stiffly against his churning stomach. “I don’t want him to be ashamed.”

Nathanial sat back, stunned by the sudden revelation. //Collin…Collin was…raped? He….// Shuddering, his fingers curled unconsciously against his roommate’s shoulder. //How could he tell? How could he have known something like that….//

His eyes widened as he looked down on the other. “Sebastian…you….” His chest seemed to be constricting painfully. “Were you…?”

“No.” For a moment Sebastian’s face didn’t change, as if he would say no more, but then the strength suddenly went out of him. His body relaxed into the mattress as he tilted his chin back and laughed, low and hoarse like an old man. “No, I wasn’t raped, Nathanial,” he assured with a thin, twisted smile. “Because from the moment he touched me, I wanted it. Every goddamned second of it.” A shudder went through him, but he barely noticed as he chuckled some more. //It…hurts. I can’t….// The fingers of one hand wound themselves tightly in the front of his shirt. //It’s hard to breathe.//

//Oh Sebastian….// Choking softly, Nathanial slowly shifted so he could lie at the other’s side, gently curling his hand over Sebastian’s white knuckles. “It’s okay,” he murmured softly, encouraging as best he could. “You’re okay, Sebastian. Just relax.” Nathanial edged closer, hoping he was doing the right thing. //Like…what he did for me.// “Relax….”

Sebastian remained still despite the gentle treatment. //This isn’t what I want…is it?// Nathanial was all warmth and tenderness and understanding—and it sickened him. He didn’t need anyone to care for him this way, not when he didn’t regret any of it anyway.

When he moved, it was so swift and sudden that even he didn’t realize until he’d turned over, dragging Nathanial’s smaller body beneath him. Without a word he pinned the boy’s wrists and demanded a firm kiss from his mouth. //If you want to help, give me what I want. Just let me fuck you like all the rest.//

Nathanial was at first too startled to move, though after a moment he turned his head quickly away. “Sebastian—don’t.” Looking up, he grew apprehensive at the unfamiliar gleam in his roommate’s eyes. His wrists twisted faintly. “Let go, Sebastian.”

Sebastian didn’t speak as he bent in for another kiss, his lips tracing whatever stretch of skin he could reach—Nathanial’s neck and ear when he turned his head away, his cheeks and lips when he tried to turn it back. His weight was only slightly more than that of his roommate but it was enough to keep the boy successfully pinned. //Don’t push me away this time.// He rubbed their hips anxiously together, as if to coax even himself. //I don’t want your shallow sympathy. Just…remind me of what I am, and that’ll be enough.//

Nathanial’s struggles slowly began to increase, even more so when it became clear that the other wasn’t letting go. “Sebastian, stop it!” he said loudly, hoping to wake him from whatever mind he was in. The actions that had once made him anxious and heated were freezing the breath in his chest with every movement. He tugged futilely at his trapped wrists with more urgency. “Stop it! Let me go, Sebastian!”

Sebastian realized at last what was going on, and he leaned back with a sharp gasp. “Nathan….” Shuddering, he climbed hastily off the bed. //Damn it. God damn this!// “I’m sorry,” he muttered shortly, combing a hand down the front of his shirt. He felt as if he might become ill. //What’s wrong with me?// He started abruptly for the door.

//I…I can’t let him go.// Gathering the last of his composure and strength, Nathanial quickly pulled himself from the bed and went after the boy. He caught up by the door, wrapping his arms around Sebastian from behind and holding him tightly. “Stop it,” he hissed quietly. “Please, please calm down, Sebastian. Please.” //Don’t go yet—you need to face this. You need me.//

“Leave me alone!” Sebastian snarled, trying to pry the boy off of him. He twisted ineffectively against the arms around him. “If you can’t fuck me, I’ll find someone who will!” //Someone who won’t ask so many questions. Who won’t expect anything.// At last his greater strength began to help, and he managed to tear the haawayaway and continue towards the door. “Don’t wait up tonight.”

Nathanial quickly gave chase again, this time placing himself between his roommate and the door. “You know that won’t help,” he cried, leaning hard against the wood. “It won’t solve anything, Sebastian. You have to stop running—you can’t hide from this forever. I won’t let you, just like you wouldn’t let me.” His fingers curled into loose fists as he faced his friend.

Sebastian uttered a few curses, at last snatching his roommate firmly by the collar. With all the trembling strength left in his body he turned, spilling Nathanial onto the floor in a tumble. “I’m not like you!” he raged, throwing the door open and backing out before the boy would be able to regain his balance. “I don’t need you—leave me alone! You don’t knoythiything!”

Sebastian spun on his heel and ran. It was foolish and childish, he knew, but he couldn’t stay any longer with Nathanial’s eyes so heavy on him. He needed…something familiar, real, and erasing. He needed to feel like himself again. So he sprinted down the corridor without looking back, not caring where he ended up as long as he found another warm body there.

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Nathanial found himself outside of Christopher’s room two days after his fight with Sebastian. He didn’t see his roommate too much anymore—he stayed away during the day, and Sebastian was usually gone in the evening, not arriving until well after Nathanial had gone to bed. But Saturday proved to be a problem without classes to help keep them apart, and so he turned to his friend for help and…distraction.

He knocked on the door, smiling lightly as he was welcomed in, and he moved to sit on Christopher’s bed. “Reuben’s visiting home this weekend, right?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, he is,” Christopher replied easily, though there was something in his friend’s manner that caught his attention. It wasn’t like him to be so blunt. “One of his cousins just bore a child—he was looking forward to meeting them all. Is….” He cocked his head to the side as he leaned against his desk. After a moment he only smiled. “Would you like to spend the day here?”

He returned the gesture with relief. e kne knows me too well now.// “If you would not mind my boring company, I would greatly appreciate it, Christopher.” For some reason, his eyes darted away, and Nathanial’s smile faltered. “Thank you.”

“It’s all right. In truth, I’m glad that Rueben is away for a bit—I never quite got used to having a roommate.” Christopher smiled, his tone dropping a little as he asked, “It’s Sebastian, isn’t it? Is there anything I can do, even if it’s simply to listen?”

Nathanial couldn’t help a faint chuckle. “You know me too well, Christopher.” He met his friend’s gaze slowly, hands resting in his lap. “I hope you do not get the idea that I only come here for comfort, though…it was a strange break without you.” //It was a strange break over all, given…what I now know….//

“I understand. The holidays are always a bit odd.” He swept a hand back through his hair and took a seat on the bed next to Nathanial. “In any case, you’re welcomed to stay as long as you like—always have been. We could play a chess match, if you like…? Or if you’d rather talk…?” He couldn’t help but be ous ous as to what Sebastian was up to, since nearly the entire dorm was quietly buzzing about what had sounded like a serious argument in the days before. He hated to think that Nathanial might have been a part of it.

He shook his head. “There is…really not much to say.” //Though….// “I do imagine that you heard about our…argument…otheother day?” //Everyone has been talking about it—even little Michael was asking.//

Christopher winced a little in sympathy. “So, it was you two. It’s not often that we hear of Sebastian losing his composure.” He told himself firmly that he wasn’t going to ask about the contents of that argument—it wasn’t his business, and it would probably be hard for Nathanial to tell him. “But yes, I’ve heard bits of the gossip. He hasn’t been giving you a difficult time of it, has he?”

Nathanial shook his head. “No. Mostly…we’ve been avoiding each other, ignoring.” //And…I don’t like it. Even if I made a decision, I still wanted…to be his friend.// He could feel his shoulders hunching slightly, curling inward. “It’s difficult…we….” //I shouldn’t say it, but…I want to tell someone.// “We grew quite close…over the break.”

Christopher straightened a little in surprise. His first thoughts were those of denial. //No—not him, too. Sebastian can’t really be that….// A moment later he shook himself; Nathanial couldn’t have meant it in the way he was thinking. He wasn’t even…like them. “I want to be glad for that,” he replied carefully, “but you should know better than to let him too close, Nathan. He…can change his mind about things—and people—very easily, and he may try to hurt you purposefully.”

//Christopher…thank you.// He smiled, lightly, and faced his friend. “It’s okay, Christopher. If anything, he is good at making us face ourselves, and I have accepted…myself.” Reaching up, he deliberately removed his glasses, staring down at the useless device. “Please do not fear, as I am stronger for it, and Sebastian and I…have an understanding. And if he tries to hurt me, I believe I am strong enough to deal with him.” //Because I’ve decided.//

Christopher blinked at him, puzzled and…not quite believing. “Accepted…yourself?” he echoed quietly, almost in a whisper. //Nathan is…no that can’t be right. I misheard.// He regained himself quickly again. “I know you’re strong, Nathan. I’ve always been a little in awe of you.” He chuckled warmly. “But you’re always welcome here, if you need some time.”

Still smiling, Nathanial replaced his glasses. //You do not understand, do you? Well…perhaps I shouldn’t….// But Christopher was one of his closest, steadiest friends. So Nathanial reached over, setting his hand over his friend’s in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. “I appreciate your invitation, and I will certainly accept your hospitality, but…I want you to understand as well.” He met Christopher’s eyes seriously. “Forgive me if I am being blunt, but I know no other way than to say it.” He took a deep breath—this would be the first time he’d admitted it out loud, but something told him he had to, at least once. “You and I have something more in common now. I…believe that I prefer…boys over girls.”

A slight shiver went through Christopher when he heard those words, and for several long moments he could only stare back at Nathanial blankly. //He’s…like me? He’s…./e sme smiled boyishly, somehow…relieved. Relieved and happy. He turned his hand over to clasp Nathanial’s tightly. “I…see.” And then…he realized, and it stole a little of the color from his face. “Wait…does that mean than you and Sebastian…?”

Nathanial quickly shook his head. “Not…that far,” he confessed, eyes darting away briefly. “I’m not…ready…to do that yet.” //I’m not sure I’ll ever be. After all….// Regaining his cheer, he patted the back of Christopher’s hand with his free one. “It’s better that way, after all. And now that everyone is back, he has plenty to keep him busy.” //Like Collin…. I wonder if…I should say something to him…? Though, it’s not really my business.//

“I suppose that’s true enough,” Christopher murmured, trying to hide how pleased he was. //Thank God they didn’t…I’m glad.// And he was suddenly embarrassed by how happy he was to have Nathanial’s hand over his…. Don’t start being foolish. “Especially with those two new transfer students. He seemed pretty interested in them.”

Nathanial covered up his flinch with a dry chuckle. “True, though…Charles seems to watching out for them well enough.” //Time to talk of something else—I need to think of something else.// He offered a hopeful smile. “If you didn’t have anything else in mind, would you care to play some chess? I am determined to win at least one game against you by the end of the year.”

“Oh, yes. Yes, of course.” Christopher smiled, suddenly eager to keep his friend happy, no matter what might ail him. //Sebastian has tried to hurt him, too. There may be no helping that, but…he helped me pick up my pieces, when I was broken. I will do for him what I can.// He was quick to fetch the chessboard and pieces, setting them out on the bed. “I’ll even let you be white,” he added cheerfully.

“I doubt it will improve my chances, but I’m grateful.” Feeling much more at ease in the familiar setting, Nathanial settled in for a nice, long game. He didn’t particularly care if he won or not—he’d be perfectly happy to end with a spectacular loss, so long as his mind was otherwise occupied.

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