Love, Lose, Live

It’s open. The coffin. It’s open. The look on Brian’s face is serene but wrong. He never had that look in life. He was happy. Why isn’t his face happy? Serene is wrong. The preacher is saying something but I’m no paying attention. The church isn’t going to let me say anything at the funeral because I am Brian’s husband. I stopped paying attention when the preacher said something about how “the sins of the flesh are forgiven when entering the kingdom of heaven” or whatever it was. For most of the funeral the song “Without You” from RENT has been playing in my head over and over again which has managed to make me feel even worse. Brian’s parents suddenly stand next to me so I get up too. They walk towards the coffin so I assume the funeral is over. I follow behind them as they walk up to Brian. Mom leans over the coffin to touch his face then wipes away her tears that land on him. She moves away and Dad just looks at Brian for a moment before moving away. It’s my turn. I move forward and look down at Brian for the last time. His death flashes in front of my eyes and I see the look of despair on his face that he had when he died. I pull out a piece of paper from my pocket. On it is everything I didn’t get the chance to say before he died.

Dear Brian,
I don’t really know how to believe that you’re gone. It’s hard to believe that you’re not going to come home and I will never see you again. I love you. More than anything in this world, I love you. I know you told me not to hurt myself but I don’t know if I can refrain. You held me together and now you’re gone. James and Erin are helping me as are your parents but what I need is you. You held back the darkness that had infused my life but now the gate is open. I miss you and I want to see you. I can only say that I will do my best to live on without you and do as you asked of me. I can’t promise but I will do my best. You mean everything to me and thank you for saving my life. Thank you for taking me away from my father and giving me a better life. I will do my best to live the life you gave me. I love you Brian and I just wish I had told you more often.

Love,
Lucas

I cry as I put that sheet of paper under his hand. I lean down, kiss him on the forehead and move away. I follow his parents out to the graveyard where a hole in the ground waits for the body of my dead lover. Eventually the priest comes out along with everyone else and the coffin. He says some words again and the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. Watching the dirt being thrown down causes the reality of Brian’s death to fully settle in and in that moment despair makes me go numb. Somebody grabs my hand and pulls me towards a car. During the car ride, I stare straight ahead not comprehending what was going on around me. When the car stops, I open the door and step out of the car. I walk into my home, up the stairs and lay down on my bed. I lay there, not thinking not comprehending until I eventually fall asleep.
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For those of you who don't know "Without You" here are the lyrics:

Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
without you

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
within me blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die, without you
without you
without you
without you.....