Carnival without Lights

Jesse hugged Daniel from behind tenderly and nuzzled the man’s bare shoulder before kissing his neck softly. He was trying to calm Daniel down before the fists came flying again and it seemed to be working. Daniel turned away from the window and hugged Jesse tightly, pausing, even, to kiss him gently on the lips before pulling him even closer.

“I love you,” Jesse whispered. Daniel began rubbing his back and Jesse sighed softly. “I really love you,” he pressed when he received no answer.

“Yeah, I know,” Daniel said, pulling away and clipping Jesse’s shoulder as he walked over to the couch. Jesse followed him and sat down on the floor by his feet. He leaned his head against Daniel’s knee and closed his eyes. “I’ve been doing it again, haven’t I?” Daniel asked quietly, placing a hand on Jesse’s head gently.

“It’s alright,” Jesse said. “I know you don’t mean to.” Jesse turned and moved to sit between Daniel’s feet and leaned in. He wrapped his arms around Daniel’s torso and buried his face in his stomach. Daniel draped his arms over Jesse’s shoulders and embraced him gently, the way he used to.

“You always let me take it too far. Why don’t you ever tell me that it’s hurting you?” Jesse moaned softly and shrugged. “Jess. I don’t want you to leave me.” Daniel began hugging him tighter after making him rise onto the couch, Jesse’s knees now resting on either side of Daniel’s waist.

“I’m not leaving,” Jesse whispered into Daniel’s ear before exposing his throat to the kisses that ensued. He moaned softly and pressed his body against Daniel’s. “Daniel,” he moaned, shifting slightly. Daniel began to unbutton Jesse’s shirt, taking the time to torment his lover by going slow and occasionally brushing a finger over a covered nipple. He called out Daniel’s name again and began fumbling with the buckle of the man’s belt. He hesitated slightly before moving on, the way he always did, but Daniel showed no indication of wanting to use the belt for foreplay so Jesse was pleased to leave it be.

He felt that, for the first time in months, they would behave like a couple. No toys, no beatings, no pain—just romance.

And then the phone rang.

Jesse attempted to keep Daniel’s attention despite the ringing and kissed him deeply despite the hands that were pushing him away. He tried to brush the hands aside, making soft sounds of lust and desperation, but misjudged the look in Daniel’s eyes.

Daniel backhanded him hard enough to get the message that the moment was over through, and then shoved him off of his lap. Jesse’s head collided with the coffee table, but Daniel made no signals that he noticed or cared as he stood up and marched over to the phone—grabbing it just before it rang its final tone. He began speaking friendlily to the person on the other end just as Jesse picked himself up off the floor and felt the back of his head. There wasn’t any blood, but it still hurt.

Jesse contemplated his options as Daniel laughed at whoever was speaking to him. He could sit on the couch and wait for Daniel to return or he could slither into the bedroom and sulk for a while, or he could sneak up on Daniel from behind and start doing as he’d done when Daniel had been staring out the window. Not one of the options seemed safe, so Jesse just stood in front of the couch, gazing sadly at his lover’s turned back.

“Yeah, thanks for the tip earlier,” Daniel said, turning around and catching Jesse’s glace. “I found him wandering around.”

It was /him/. Daniel was talking to that man again—Nathan. Jesse glared bitterly without thinking and Daniel’s eyes took on a surprised but very angry glint. Jesse caught himself and shied away, dropping onto the couch and burying his head in his hands. He wondered, if he said to Daniel that the reason he’d gotten angry was because he was jealous of Nathan and not because he was upset at the guy for telling Daniel he’d left the house, would the punishment be less severe?

If he was going to go that route, he’d really have to milk it. Daniel wouldn’t believe him if he just said “I don’t like it when you talk to him, that’s all! It’s like you like him more!” No. Daniel would think—and know—that Jesse was just trying to avoid the punishment he’d earned himself by being wise.

/It’s not supposed to be this way!/ Jesse screamed within his head. He was taunted by the memory of the gentle contact he and Daniel had had just moments before—moments that seemed like weeks already. /That/ was what lovers were supposed to act like—they were supposed to kiss and touch, not push each other into tables or beat them when they go against the rules.

Daniel hung up the phone, calling Jesse out of his rampant thoughts. Jesse pulled into himself and kept his head lowered as Daniel moved back towards the couch.

“What’s your problem?” Daniel asked, only vaguely spiteful in tone. He sat down heavily beside his cowering lover and Jesse could feel the man’s eyes burning holes in him.

“I wish you…wouldn’t talk to him so much,” Jesse muttered, initiating the only scheme he had.

“Why? Because he ratted you out?” Daniel asked snidely.

“Well, you’re always with him…or talking to him.” Jesse felt the plan losing its allure. If Daniel thought Jesse was jealous of Nathan, wouldn’t that just give Daniel more reasons to attack? Wouldn’t he say things like “I can have friends! He was there for me when you weren’t! You think I’m cheating? You’re the whore!” Jesse pulled further into himself and closed his eyes tightly.

“I am not,” Daniel argued. “Quit acting jealous.” Jesse anticipated more, but Daniel said nothing else.

“But, Daniel…”

“He’s a straight guy—what are you worried about?” Jesse fell silent and stared at the floor. After a moment, Daniel leaned over and wrapped an arm around Jesse’s shoulders. “Want to go back to where we were?” Jesse felt no hints of lust stir within him, but he played along, allowing the kisses, allowing the touches, and allowing the beating that disguised itself as foreplay to ensue.

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Jesse was crying as he showered off after Daniel had had his fun. One would think the routine occurred often—beating, raping, showering, crying—and for the most part it did, except it wasn’t so common for him to actually cry. He had to fight off tears of physical pain and emotional anguish often enough, but he seldom found himself as he did that night: Unable to suppress the sobs.

It wasn’t about the beating, it wasn’t about the sex…not anymore. What it was, was torment.

What was he doing? Why was he here? How could he let this happen again? Hadn’t he learned the first time? What was /wrong/ with him?

He’d left a good man, a good, /gentle/ man, to return to a guy who paired love and pain like water and ice—different forms of the same damned thing. For Daniel’s brutal disregard, he’d traded Rupert’s unwavering concern. He’d exchanged Rupert’s attention for Daniel’s abusive neglect. He surrendered kisses for beatings, and passion for blood. Laughter as compensation for bruises.

Domination in replacement of love.

He was a fool. He knew he was afraid of Daniel…he /knew/ that. He knew that Daniel would never change, never stop. He’d known that before he even returned. So why was he here? Why had he cheated on Rupert—a good, merciful, /loving/ man—for a self-pleasing beast? Why had he left with him?

Jesse wanted him back…he wanted him back so badly. He knew that, if he could get Rupert to take him back, he could repair all of the damage he’d done. Whenever Rupert would worry, he’d feel honored, not enraged. When Rupert bought him presents, he’d see them as such—not as insults. If Rupert asked him to stay, to move in…he would feel so lucky, so important and valuable…not trapped.

He wanted him back…but could he have him? He certainly didn’t deserve him…but he /understood/ now. If he could have Rupert back, even if he knew he didn’t deserve to even look at him, he would be able to love him and appreciate him so much more.

For a moment, Jesse felt hopeful and he stopped crying long enough to rinse off and turn off the water. He opened the curtain and grabbed the blue towel that hung to the left side of the shower, but caught his reflection in the mirror on the wall before he could begin drying off.

Then the tears returned. Rupert deserved better than him—/anyone/ could love Rupert better than Jesse had. Jesse deserved Daniel—that was what all of the bruises and cuts said. If he let it happen, he deserved it. He brought it on himself.

He would /never/ have Rupert back.

Even if Rupert wanted him...there was no way Daniel would let him leave.

A sharp knock on the door retracted Jesse from his thoughts violently enough that he gasped.

“Hey, Jess, you wanna go to a movie tonight?” Daniel opened the door and then locked his eyes with Jesse’s bloodshot ones. “What are you crying about?” It was hardly a real question. Daniel didn’t care for an answer and his tone expressed that.

“Just us?” Jesse asked in response to the only question that mattered. Just them…on a date? It had been so long since the last time. A film to watch with a shoulder to lean on would help him forget Rupert and his dreams for the moment…it would be nice…

“Nah, Nathan and his girl invited us to go.” Jesse didn’t deserve nice.

“Oh,” he responded. He wanted to feel bitter towards Nathan, he hated Daniel being near Nathan, but all he could feel was a block of ice where his heart should be.

“His girl says you can spend tomorrow at their apartment with her while I’m at work. I don’t want to leave you here alone.” Daniel’s eyes suddenly turned menacing. “At first it was because I was afraid you’d run away, but now it looks like you’re fixing to hide out in the bathroom, cry your eyes out, and slit your wrists or something.” Jesse said nothing, but looked at the floor.

He’d been right…Daniel wasn’t going to let him be on his own again for a long time.

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The film left Jesse with the same sort of high he always achieved when he saw movies with happy endings. He barely even heard the remarks passersby made as he left the theater with the others, linking arms with his Daniel. It was the type of movie to put you in the mood to love the one you’re with…even if he was an abusive psychopath most of the time.

The buzz wouldn’t last for long, only until they made it back into Daniel’s house at most, but Jesse was intoxicated with it as he slid into the back seat of the car with Daniel. It faded greatly when sitting down sent a jarring pain up his spine, but Jesse still found himself reclining his head onto his possessive lover’s shoulder. Though the two up front were talking—Nathan and his girl—Jesse pretended that they didn’t exist for the moment. It was when Daniel asked him questions that he answered.

“Better than cryin’ in the bathroom, hu?” Daniel asked while laughing from Nathan’s previous comment. Jesse looked up at Daniel’s face and felt most of his natural high fade away. He tried to keep it going, feeling passion was better than feeling empty, but still found himself gravely unhappy.

“Yeah, but I’d still rather be at home.” He’d smiled as he’d said this and nuzzled Daniel’s shoulder lightly—trying to imply a desire for intimacy. Trying to look like something that someone could love.

Daniel misunderstood that.

“You’re fuckin’ selfish!” Daniel shouted, shocking the other two passengers as much as Jesse. Jesse recoiled, but still found himself pushed hard into the car’s door when Daniel shoved him farther back. “Get off me!”

“Woh, Dan, what’s the matter with you?” Nathan’s girl asked, looking back at them nervously.

“I know you’re upset, I take you out to try to cheer you up and you still fucking complain!”

“No! Daniel, I didn’t mean it like that!” Jesse pleaded, cowering against the door while Daniel bore down on him. He could see Daniel’s fists clenching—that was all it took. Rage and a fist. No one here would stop him if he threw a punch. No one would care if Jesse was hurt. He had to defend himself. “I meant with you! I wanna be at home with you—just you! You know? Us! Together!”

“What? So I’m not allowed out with friends? You gonna keep me all to yourself?” Jesse doubted if either of the two in the front seat noticed that Daniel had already punched him once.

“Dan. Come on, man,” Nathan stated halfheartedly.

“Damn it, Jesse, you started this shit earlier!”

“Daniel, please!” Jesse begged, cowering and about to slide off of the seat and onto the car’s floor.

“Nah, Dan, I get what he means, man,” Nathan said, trying to calm his friend down. Probably in fear of getting blood on his upholstery, Jesse assumed. “I’d rather be back home with my girl all day every day. I mean, this was a good flick and all, but man, I got a comfier seat at home if you know what I mean, eh?” Nathan chuckled, but Daniel was barely listening. Jesse was still trembling.

Yes, Jesse had been implying that he’d rather be at home, in private with his lover, but Daniel knew Jesse didn’t like sleeping with him. Daniel purposely made it that way himself. Jesse earned no pleasure from their nights together—that meant, by implying he wanted it, Jesse had been lying.

Lying got you punished.

“That’s not what he fucking means,” Daniel growled, striking Jesse’s head hard enough that it collided with back of the seat in front of him and left his ears ringing. He didn’t leave Jesse time to recover before attacking again, punching whatever was in reach and moving closer to accomplish it—looming over Jesse who shielded his face with his arm while pleading for mercy.

“Dan—Dan, stop it!” Nathan’s girl called out, twisting around in her seat.

“Dan! What’s your problem?” Nathan called out, alarmed when the beating turned to mindless violence that left Jesse with no where to squirm to except the narrow floor space of the car where he became trapped. “You been drinking or somethin’? Cut it out man!”

Nathan had stopped the car on the side of the road, but neither Jesse nor Daniel noticed.

“Quit tryin’ to cover your face!” Daniel grabbed Jesse’s wrist firmly and twisted it, making Jesse scream. Once the arm was out of the way, Jesse’s face was exposed to the blows that fell in a mechanical rhythm.

Nathan had gotten out of the car and opened the back door in order to grab Daniel and begin to pull him backwards off of the man he had reduced to a loudly wailing pile. Daniel hardly fought Nathan, but he was reluctant to release Jesse’s wrist as the terrified victim attempted to writhe out from the place between the two seats where he had been pinned.

His instinct was to open the door and run.

Daniel’s was to keep that from happening.

As Nathan pulled Daniel backwards and Jesse jerked forwards after managing to throw open the door, Daniel’s grip did not falter and Jesse could feel the tearing at the same time he heard an audible snap.

He didn’t feel the pain at first, but Daniel had been startled by the sound and let go.

When Jesse first tried to stand, he fell back over, but when he heard Daniel start calling to him he found his feet and ran. His head was spinning, both his mouth and nose were bleeding, more than one tooth had been chipped, his wrist may or may not have been broken, and he now had only one person to go to.

If Nathan and his girl could hold back Daniel, Jesse thought for sure he could make it through the city and to Rupert’s warm house.