The Shadow I'm In

I wanted to scream at her! I didn’t look at Ken any other way than anyone else! Maybe with fear or something like that! But not the way she was thinking! My brow creased in the middle as I looked at the blonde girl. I couldn’t believe that she would say such a thing. I would never think about him that way! I don’t want to and I never will! Even if Ken hadn’t done what he had done, I liked him. I loved him.

“I don’t look at him like anything.” I stated again, denying it wholeheartedly. I wasn’t going to back down on this. Not when I knew what he did to me.

“Yes, you do. You always stare at him when he walks into a room. You always look at him from the corner of your eye when he’s around. Then that time when he came to get you from class you just about had a stroke.” She raised her brow at me. “Ya’ know, I never took you for one that would like the sports guys. I would have guessed that you liked the emo, punk, rock kind of person.”

I didn’t even know what any of those were! How could she keep saying that I liked Ken? After what he did to me! Sure she didn’t know what he had done to me, but that’s beside the point! But now I just wanted to scream at her that he had raped me! I watch him from the corner of my eye to make sure he doesn’t head my way or look at me. And that day that he took me out of class I was probably going to have a stroke! And that’s was the second time he-

I had to look away from the gray eyes that had come back to meet my own. My eyes went down to my lap and my hands clasped each other there. I wasn’t going to say anything more. I would probably say too much and nothing was going to change her mind. I didn’t want to think about Ken any more. This was supposed to be a fun weekend, it wouldn’t be fun if I had to keep thinking about Ken.

“Crimson, that is enough.” Fritz stated, his voice deadly soft and calm. I felt Crimson tense beside me at the tone. It was a tone that my parents didn’t use with me but I still understood it; I felt my body tense too. “Apologize.” Came the next order from her father.

“Sorry Basil.” The girl stated softly, her voice apologetic. I didn’t believe her. I opened my mouth slightly to reply but I never got the chance. The waiter had impeccable timing.

“Ahh, sorry for interrupting.” The older teen apologized as he started to hand out our food to each of us, he could feel the air around us apparently. He must have thought we were really weird or something. When the steaming meal was all handed out he once again apologized, turned and left the four of us again.

The dinner was silent for a while, with just the scrapes of forks on the plates and the soft clink of glasses when they were raised so that their owners could take a drink. I still couldn’t get over the fact that Crimson thought that I liked Ken. There was no way that I could like him like that! Especially after what he had done to me. Was there? No, I was not second guessing myself over the matter. That would be crazy. No one ever likes their rapist like that.

I didn’t like Ken. He scared me. It scared me that I could feel his hands all over my body when I laid awake at night. Hated that I could feel his lips against mine. When everyone else was asleep, I could feel him around me, covering my body. Inside me. And I hated it. Hated that he had made me afraid of what he could do to me in my own home, in my room. Hated that he had taken everything away from me. I wasn’t pure and clean anymore. I was tainted in the worst way and no one knew about it but the two of us. Would anyone ever find out about it? Would he ever find out about it? And if he did, what would he do about it? Hurt his best friend? Or pat him on the back saying job well done?

“You still have to try one of these.” Crimson stated bringing me out of my thoughts. I had just been pushing around my food for the last few minutes. I wasn’t really hungry anymore but I felt bad about not eating. After all, this food was expensive. My eyes went over to look at her and saw that she was holding one of her snails in my direction. My nose wrinkled and my brow frowned.

“No way.” I stated scooting my chair a little further away from the other teenager and toward one of her parents.

“Oh come on! It's not bad I promise.” She scooted her own chair closer to mine. She had already de-shelled the thing and it was just hanging there on her fork. The snail or rather slug. It looked so gross. It was all shriveled up and I was once again reminded of the time he had left me to fend for myself amongst the army of its relatives that were going to eat me.

“No.” I stated, my hands going to cover my mouth, my body leaning further away from her. That was so gross.

“Crimson he doesn’t want it.” Selima came to my rescue watching her daughter torture me with the small animal or whatever you would call it.

“But mom! He has to!” The girl protested scooting her chair closer to mine so that our two seats were touching. She wrapped one of her arms around my waist and pulled me closer to her, so that her chest was pressing against my side.

“Stop it Crim! I don’t want to eat that!” I protested, trying to push her away without hurting her or making her drop that thing into my food, which it was hanging over.

“Oh come on Basil! I promise it’s not as bad as you think it is.” The blonde girl persisted. Placing the thing against my lips. Ugh! I could feel the slimy thing on them and covering them with stuff. It was so gross. I kept my lips sealed together only breathing out of my nose. Though she soon found that out and the hand that had wrapped itself around my waist let go and went up to pinch my nose shut.

“Crimson!” It was her father that responded this time. Though it was too late. I couldn’t breathe so I had to open my mouth and take a gasping breath, and just as I did so the fork was shoved inside along with the slimy little morsel.

“Ah ha!” The girl called triumphantly with a large smile. I chewed slowly. My teeth breaking the rubbery thing down. I thought I was going to vomit. Finally I swallowed the bite. My hand went straight for my glass of soda. I had to wash that foul taste from my mouth. I downed the whole glass in a matter of seconds.

“I can’t believe you!” I stated, panting slightly from not breathing while I was drinking my drink. “That was so gross!”

“What was so bad about it?” Crimson asked with general curiosity. It seemed like everything from a little earlier had been forgotten.

“Everything!” My hands went up in the air, helping with my explanation. “The taste, the texture, the sliminess, the squishiness! Just everything!” I covered my mouth with my hands. “I’m never eating anything you want me to try again.” I stated, my voice muffled slightly from my hands. Crim just busted out laughing, while Fritz and Selima smiled.

I couldn’t believe them! They were all laughing at me! Well the two adults weren’t out loud but I could see it in their eyes. They had that twinkle look that you get when you’re trying not to laugh and holding it back by force of will. I pouted then though, my hands going into my lap and my lower lip sticking out a bit more then normal.

“Awww! My poor Basil!” Crimson cooed as she wrapped her arms around me again, though this time she wasn’t holding a disgusting piece of food in her hand. I looked at her disgusted and leaned away.

“You’re the one that’s eating them!” I wondered why anyone would want to eat that! It was so gross.

“Indeed I am. And they are delicious.”

The rest of dinner passed without any more defiling of my mouth or talk of Ken. Which I was glad for both of them. We headed back to Crimson’s aunt and uncle’s house so that we could change into regular clothes and pick Roden up to go to the movies and then to the hotel. Roden was going to stay with us overnight in the hotel I learned on the way over there.

“So how are we going to sleep?” I found myself asking, a little nervous. Crimson had said before that we were getting a room to ourselves, though did that include Roden too? And if so, where were we all going to sleep?

“Uh, like you usually do.” The blonde girl replied with a roll of her eyes. I shook my head from side to side. She could be such a smart ass sometimes.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” She ignored me, her eyes turning to look out of the car window on her side. “Crim!” I whined softly.

“Well I think that Roden and yourself could share a bed. You’re both boys after all.” Mrs. King stated from the front seat looking at me in the rear mirror.

“But Basil’s gay. It could be a bit awkward for Roden. Maybe Basil and Crimson or Crimson and Roden could share a bed?” Fritz butted in with a shrug of his shoulders. He didn’t seem like one that would be homophobic but maybe he was. The rest of them didn’t seem to be. And Roden didn’t seem to care that I was gay.

“Or Roden can just sleep on the floor.” Crimson muttered from beside me.

“Crimson!” Both of her parents scolded from the front seats.

“I-I don-don’t mind sharing a bed with Ro-Roden.” I ended up stuttering out. It wasn’t like I was going to molest the other boy or anything. I hadn’t even fully come out that I was gay yet. Or that I even thought another boy was attractive other then him. Him. What would he think if he knew that I shared a bed with another boy? Would he care? Would he be jealous or mad? Though why would he be either?

“They’ll be fine sleeping in the same bed. Its not like they’re going to do anything.” Crimson reasoned with a roll of her eyes. “I’m going to be in there, remember? And Roden doesn’t get uncomfortable with that kind of thing. And I’m sure Basil wouldn’t mind, but it is up to him. He’s the guest and he gets to choose and he said it was fine if Roden and him sleep in the same bed.” The girl explained, her voice showing a bit of annoyance as she spoke. Since when did she become the reasonable one?

We pulled into their relatives’ driveway and no more was discussed. It seemed that Crimson’s words were final. I wondered if she always got her way with her parents. But my cheeks were flaming red, I could feel it. Would Roden agree to share the same bed with me?

The four of us unbuckled and got out of the car. The family went to the back of the car and took out our bags that had the change of clothes in them. Crimson tossed me mine, which I almost dropped. I didn’t get the sports genes from my father like he did. Far from it. I couldn’t even bowl without bumpers.

“Nice catch.” Crimson smirked at me, walking over to me with her own bag in hand. “Come on. Let's go inside and get changed. I hate dresses.” I followed after her, and not just because she had a hold of my wrist.

We entered the house, Crimson shouting a greeting to her aunt and uncle to where they were sitting on their plush couch snuggled up together. I wanted to be that way with him. To be tangled around each other, comfortable with each other. But I knew it was highly unlikely that we would ever be like that. He didn’t even notice me most of the time. Well, until I met Crimson and started hanging out with her. He was taking more notice of me lately.

Crimson pulled me into Roden’s room. The Native American boy was laying back on his bed with a magazine being held up for him to read. He looked over to the door when we came inside.

“I thought I smelled something unpleasant.” The boy stated looking back at his magazine.

“Whatever. I’m going to change.” She finally let go of my wrist and headed back out of the door. “And no taking any peeks Roden.”

“Like I’d want to look at that. I’m afraid some kind of tentacles will snatch me and the gapping mouth in your stomach would eat me.” Came the melancholy reply. The other boy didn’t seem too much into terrorizing his cousin like he had earlier. When the door closed when Crimson left, his dark eyes flicked back to me. “So how was dinner?” He asked, I was taken back from the question. “And you can sit down. Nothing is going to jump out at you, I promise I put away all my man eating plants before you first came. Just don’t go in the closet.” I felt the red return to my cheeks as I took up the chair that Crim had been in earlier.

“Din-dinner was f-fine.” I stuttered out. Why was I so nervous? He’s not going to be anything to me.

“Good.” There was a silence now. It seemed that Crimson was the one that kept the conversations going. “You can change in here if you want. You don’t have to wait for Crimson to get out of the bathroom. We’re both boys after all.” It took me a moment for the words to sink in, then I was totally in shock. Could I do that? It never even occurred to me. My cheeks heated up even more. He was right though. We were both boys. But I never felt comfortable changing in front of anyone. Not even my parents. Especially not now. I felt that I was dirty and everyone would know what Ken had done to me if they saw my skin.

“I’ll w-wait for Crimson.” Roden shrugged his shoulders, his eyes looking over to me again. Luckily it wasn’t long before the blonde girl was back and it was my turn in the bathroom. I quickly left the room. It was almost suffocating. I didn’t know why though. Roden had gone back to reading after a few moments and we didn’t speak again. I think Crimson had sensed something because she was shooting Roden a hateful glare when I left the room.

I quickly changed into the clothes that Crimson had picked out for me. It was a different set to the ones that I had worn over there. But it was still pretty much the same. I stayed in the bathroom for a few more minutes though. My hands were resting on the sink and I stared at myself in the mirror. What was I so nervous about? I didn’t know. Maybe my nerves were just on overdrive. Maybe I was worried that Crimson would bring up Ken again? Or that these people didn’t like me? I didn’t understand. Well I couldn’t stay in here. The movie probably started soon.

I didn’t know what to do with the suit that I had borrowed so I folded it nicely and brought it with me. When I was standing outside of Roden’s door I heard Crimson and her cousin’s growling voices.

“You did something to him! You guys were fine before we went to dinner!” She was hissing at the Native American boy.

“I didn’t! Like I said before.” The boy’s voice came.

“You did too!” Were they fighting about me? I knew it was wrong to listen but I was curious.

“I didn’t!”

“Whatever. Don’t do anything to Basil.” Crimson paused for a moment. “Or I really will hurt you.” Her voice was just like her father’s had been at the restaurant, deadly calm. They were fighting about me! But why? Roden hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Fuck you Crimson. I’m not going to hurt him.” Roden stated, his voice not having the bite to it that it did before.

I figured it was my time to enter into the room, though I was holding my breath as I entered. Two sets of glaring eyes turned to look at me. I felt small then and I gulped.

“So-sorry.” I stuttered out. Even if I didn’t know that they had been fighting the atmosphere in the room would have given it away. Crimson let a smile come to her face as she saw it was just me. She made her way over to me and wrapped her arms around me. It was more of a squeezing then a hug like I guessed it was supposed to be.

“You look so cute!” I saw Roden roll his eyes behind her back, stuffing his balled fist into the pockets of his pants. Which I noticed were baggy like mine used to be before Crimson got into my closet and pulled out the ones that I was wearing now. Not fair.

“Th-thank you.” I responded, wrapping my arms loosely around her, the suit clutched in one of my hands. Roden walked over and took it from my hands and tossed it into his laundry hamper, some of the pieces missed and some of them made it in. It kind of made me nervous. Could he treat a suit like that? It must have been very expensive. Crimson let go of me and backed up. But not for long.

“Come on Roden. We have to leave. Get your stuff together.” The blonde girl once again grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the room.

The four adults were sitting in the living room, Mr. and Mrs. King had changed as well and were in jeans and t-shirts. Mrs. King had let down her hair, the brown locks rested just below her shoulders. I could believe, now, that she had stood in protest lines and everything. Not that she looked bad or anything, just more like the person that Crimson had described to me.

“Is Roden almost ready?” Eden asked from her place next to her husband on their couch. They had yet to move from their position since we walked in. There was nothing wrong with that. It just meant they were comfortable showing their affection for each other.

“Yeah, he’s just going to stuff a pair of pants in a bag.” Crimson answered letting me go and sitting on the couch next to her aunt and uncle. I stood awkwardly beside the couch. Mr. and Mrs. King were sitting on the plush love-seat in the room.

“Basil sit down. You don’t have to stand.” Eden stated and waved to one of the armchairs in the room. I sent a small smile over to the woman and hesitantly walked over to the chair and sat down. It was strange to be included in a family situation like this. Everyone gathered around and was comfortable with each other. If my family were to do this it would be a setting of nerves and longing toward him.

“So what film are yeh going to see?” Frank asked, it was one of the few times I heard him speak. His accent was still thick, it made him kinda cool. I hadn’t ever known anyone with an accent before.

“Well, the kids are going to see a comedy and Selima and I are going to see a horror.” We’re going to see different movies? Well I was glad we weren’t going to see the horror movie. I hate scary things, they make me freeze up.

“Ah, that’s not fair. I want to go to the horror movie.” It was Roden who spoke, just walking into the room.

“Sorry but no.” It was his mother that answered. “We don’t need you coming home at one AM crying because you are having nightmares.” I watched as Roden’s cheeks drew in a bit of red shading.

“I won’t do that. I haven’t done that since I was five.” The other teen boy protested, the red still tinting his cheeks.

“Aww. Little Roden’s blushing.” Crimson teased her cousin, a smirk on her face.

“Still, we’re not taking the chance, so it’s the comedy.” His mother’s word was final it seemed. I saw Roden’s face drop.

“Are ye ready, Roden?” Frank asked, his son then giving a nod of his head.

“Alright. So let's get going. We don’t want to miss the start of our movies.” Mrs. King said getting up from the love-seat, her husband following behind her.

“Yay! Movie time!” Crimson cheered, taking my wrist again after I stood from the armchair. “Come on Basil. Let's go!” The girl paused for a moment making me almost bump into her. I didn’t see why she was so excited. It was just a movie after all. But I should be excited too, shouldn’t I? It was the first time that I had gone to the movies with a friend before. I had gone with my parents and him when I was younger but I hadn’t gone for a while. “Basil gets middle!” Crimson called as she and Roden rushed out of the door. Crim had let go of my wrist so I wasn’t being dragged out of the house any more. Though it did take a moment for me to understand what it meant that I got middle.

It meant I had the middle seat between the two cousins. Wonderful. At least the two weren’t fighting anymore. Well, it seemed they weren’t fighting anymore.


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Oh my god. I updated. Lol. Sorry for the long wait! I didn’t mean for it to take so long. I just lost my inspiration with it for a while. But its back now! Thanks to my awesome betas it is! Vampy and Koi, thank you so much!

This chapter would be dedicated to Vampy because it was her birthday today. Lol. But it was yesterday for her.

So I how you liked it. I’ve already have half of the next chapter done so it should be out soon. And my feet are doing better. I’m going to a plastic surgeon tomorrow.