To Become

12:55am - Punishment

Yesterday was Independence Day. Too bad we don't get holidays off. The celebration of being free. No longer being bound to someone else. I'm bound to Ryan. The way things are now, I'll never break free of him.

I haven't written in a while. I got angry at Ryan and lashed out at him. I just started yelling then all of a sudden punched him in the face. He immediately grabbed me and brought me to him, but I kicked him, and he lost hold. I knew I was in trouble after that, and I tried to run, but he caught me and threw me on the ground. I backed up but he placed himself on top of me, right on my chest. The look in his eyes...For once I felt extreme, very real fear. I knew he was angry.

There is a small closet near the door where the stairs are at. It's so small that it could barely fit two people. There are no lights. All that was there was a concrete wall with a concrete floor with many cracks that water seeped through. He threw me in and locked the door. I hit my head on the wall. A pounding headache. The floor was wet from the storm. My pants were soaked. The water and the room itself was so cold, by the time he let me out, my fingers were purple and my lips were blue. I shook uncontrollably from the cold and from fear of what he would do.

The clock showed that almost five hours had passed by the time he unlocked the door. He grabbed my wrist and helped me up, pulling me into a tight, warming embrace. "Ryan, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." I was crying. He brought me to mine and Sara's cell and sat me on my cot. Sara was told to spend time with Greg. Ryan stroked my hair until I finally stopped crying. Again, I told him that I was sorry for what I did. I told him that I just lost complete control over everything, that it felt like I wasn't even the one performing the actions I did. Another person taking over. I wanted to stop, but then again I didn't. I told him I that I hated him for everything that he had forced me to do, and that since I had already lashed out once, the anger that I had toward him moved me to keep going. I told him that he didn't deserve what I did, and again, that I was really sorry.

"I know, and I'm glad you realize that, but just because you apologized isn't going to make your punishment any lighter." I nodded. "Come with me." I followed him out of the cell into the "punishment room." I stood there, frozen in place after he closed the door and made sure it was locked, so I couldn't escape. My breath came in frightened gasps. That was when he grabbed me and pulled me over to the middle of the room. Chains hanging from the ceiling. "Lift your arms." I didn't move. "Kylie, you don't want to make this harder on yourself do you?" I shook as a tear fell. I kept telling myself not to cry, that I deserved what I was going to get. When I still didn't do what he asked, he roughly grabbed my right arm and pulled it above my head. I struggled to get him to let go, but his grasp just tightened. "Stop Kylie. I will make this more painful for you than I had planned if you don't cooperate. You brought this on yourself." I know. Another tear.

He had both of my wrists in cuffs above my head. I knew what was going to happen. He went to the far wall and grabbed a strap. He was going to whip me, but how many times I didn't know. "Five lashes for yelling at me. Ten lashes for you punching me. Ten lashes for the kick. Five more lashes for struggling. Thirty altogether, and you're to count each one out loud." I nodded. "I don't like doing this Kylienna. You may think it does, but this brings me no pleasure at all. Unlike Brad, I'm not into brutal play. Don't make me do this again." When he finished, it struck. I screamed from the pain. I didn't expect it to hurt that badly. The pain of the initial strike eventually spread completely throughout my body. He was waiting. I was supposed to do something. The pain took over my mind and my memory was shot. "Count." One. Another strike. The pain seared through my body again, but I remembered to say two. Nearly five seconds between each one to let the pain spread until it almost sprung out of my pores. Pain again. Three. This continued for what seemed like hours when in reality it was just nearly four minutes.

The chains were undone and I crashed down to the floor. My shirt completely in shreds fell off my body. I could see the markings clearly. I saw the blood. Silent tears flowed. "Get up. I'm not done yet." It took a while, but I was finally able to stand. "Follow." He lead me over to a wall and told me to stand against it. I did so. He moved forward toward me and then suddenly a blindfold covered my eyes. A whimper escaped. I knew what he was going to do next. I was always blindfolded when it happened. My lower clothing was removed by his hands and I heard his fall to the floor as well. He moved so close to me that our skin collided together. His mouth to my ear. "Stop crying." I sniffled a few times to repress the tears. He waited then wiped them from my cheeks. "I'll try to finish as quickly as possible." That's when he shoved in. Unprepared, I couldn't help but scream. My mouth was then covered until he felt the sound wave stop. How long will this take? When will he be done? I needed him to remove himself from me. I knew that if I moved my hips toward him, it would allow him to finish sooner, but as I did, he grabbed hold of them and held them still against the wall. "I know what you're doing Kylienna, and I want you to stop. I'll stay inside of you as long as I want, no matter how much you try to help stimulate me. Now stay still."

After that, he was done. Dressing himself then removing my blindfold, he told me to wait against the wall, and he would get me some more clothes to put on. I just recieved a new pair of underwear, cotton shorts that were a bit too big for me and an oversized t-shirt. No bra. He said it was because it would cause even more pain and could cause the gashes to widen. I accepted the clothes. He took me to Greg.

Greg already knew what Ryan had planned, but Sara wasn't expecting what she saw. Only her fourth week, she never imagined something like this. I had only used the shirt to cover my front. Her eyes were wide as Ryan led her out and closed the door. It took Greg some time to clean and bandage my back. A gag placed in my mouth as the alcohol was dabbed over.

I was taken back to the cell. Sara's eyes started to water. I had put the shirt on gently after Greg finished the bandaging. Sara wasn't able to see, not that she could with the wrap anyway. I told her that I was okay and to go to sleep. I lied down slowly, my eyes open for the longest time before I was finally swept away from the shock.

The final punishment that I received for what I did to Ryan was the loss of my journal. I didn't talk back. I didn't tell him that I couldn't live without you. Figuratively speaking of course. I just let him take it from my shelf and watched as he decided to take it upstairs.

I'm glad that you're back. My mind has been screaming with different thoughts and emotions since that day. I couldn't look at Ryan afterwards. It still hurts too even now, but it's not even a week past yet. He tried to talk to me the day after. Short, one word answers to his questions. The next day the same. He's given up on trying. Maybe he feels bad for what he had to do. What if I'm not helping by the actions I have decided to take against him now. Actions that I can't be punished for. I'm answering him when he questions, as are the rules. He never said that I had to elaborate.

I deserved it. I had no right to do what I did. That was also the first time I had ever been whipped. Falling to near unconsciousness until a pain hit a new area when he slapped my face to keep me intent to what he was doing.

I'm not mad at him. My fear has subsided, but I now know even more to what he is capable of. Shouldn't I be frightened? That emotion is no longer lingering in me. Really, all I want now, more than ever, is him to hold me.