Narrative of Soul Against Soul

CH 10 : To Resolutions

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I trudged back from the elevator and slumped against the wall outside my apartment. What the hell had I done? Josh had been so captivated, so enthralled, so loving. I almost hit myself. He thought he was just a fuck. Jesus, I couldn’t possibly have been to dumb not notice he was a virgin. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t run after him tonight or even ambush him tomorrow. Whatever I did would have to been subtle but sincere. He couldn’t be able to question the meaning. I bit my lip before scowling as the old woman next door muttering some derogatory term under her breath. Unlocking the door revealed a smug brother resting in the living room.

“You lost the truffle? How sad,” he said with no empathy whatsoever, “You never could hold on to anyone truly appetizing. Except that fury kid. Mmm, I’d like—”

I scowled at him, “Feel free to have Rage, but if you think about putting one finger on Josh, I’ll break all of them.” I smiled without it touching my eyes and re-secluded myself in my room.

I spent the rest of the night planning exactly how to get him back. I’d have to woo him slowly. No seduction this time. Just simple, sexless romance. This was going to be really difficult. I mapped out the rest of the week in terms of my actions and fell asleep with my notepad on my chest.

I nearly fell off my bed when my pre-set alarm started vibrating angrily on my desk. I trudged over, turned it off and continued into the kitchen. I didn’t make it that far. The sight of Zasha and Trauma making out heavily on the couch stopped me.

“Oh God! It’s too early for you fucking breeders! Too damn early!” I shouted stomping to the kitchen for the congealing coffee.

“Half-breeders,” Zasha and Trauma yelled in unison after me.

Quickly downing three reheated cups made me feel much better. By the time I had showered and dressed, Trauma and Zasha had dislodged from one another. Trauma beamed at me as I re-entered the living room. I blanked her.

“Go get in the car,” I threw her the key that opened the doors which she caught and bounced out the door with. Then, I tore into my smirking sibling, “What is it with you and high school kids? What, are you a pervert? Illegal. Ever heard of it?” Before he could pick up his jaw, I left. We made the necessary stops on the way to school, and somehow still made it a bit early, which made my mission much easier. I nearly skipped at the thought of Josh’s reaction, but was roughly brought down by Rage waiting at my locker.

“Renny, you hung up on me,” Rage growled glaring at me. He pushed off my locker, and I dropped my bag to square my shoulders. I never feared Rage. I used to love him, but I never feared him. That knowledge drove him crazy.

“Glad you remember. With all the shit you probably ingested yesterday, I’m actually glad you remembered anything,” I snarled before grabbing my bag and starting to push my way past him. I made one step past him when he snatched my shoulder and to push me. Using his momentum, I swirled around and slammed my bag right into his gut. Rage doubled and groaned spitting on the school floor. A crowd had begun to gather and Rage to recover as I calmly shoved my bag into my locker and pulled out a few books. I dropped the notebooks but kept the hardback discretely in my hands. Rage, at this point, wanted to rape me in public for humiliating him. No one had dared fight back when he threatened them. Maybe, that’s why he’d gotten rusty. I giggled.

“What the fuck are you laughing at, you little bitch?” Rage whispered harshly.

I smiled genuinely, “You.”

Rage roared and ran straight for me. I widened my stance slightly placing myself only halfway in his path. The anger steering Rage wouldn’t let him notice my movement or the thick physics book in hand until said book struck him in the nose. Rage flopped to the ground like an drunken elephant. I dropped to one knee in my light blue fishnets and gripped his throat.

“Don’t speak. Just listen,” I increased my grip. “You leave me and Josh alone. I don’t want anything to do with you. You understand? I will walk from you and everything you consider yours, and I will take Trauma and Ziptie with me. You won’t have a leg to stand on. Everyone can see you can’t fight worth shit anymore. What do you think will happen without me or Trauma to be enforcers?” I stood smoothing my black Lolita dress with its baby blue collar. Rage sputtered and coughed. I strode off to the crowd laughing and dispersing.

Trauma congratulated me angrily as we passed in the hallway when I was en route to gym. I looked at her questioning, but let it go. Art was after gym; I’d talk to her then. Gym passed uneventfully because I opted out of playing. The butch little teacher threatened everything she could before realizing it was pointless. I sat on the sidelines of the floor hockey game that was considerable less intense without me. As I sketched, I felt a weight drop down next to me.

“Hi, Render,” a voice I recognized whispered in my ear, trying very hard to achieve sensuality. All it achieved was annoyance.

I didn’t look up from my sketchbook that I was filling with my memories of Josh’s blissful expressions. “Fuck off, Tiss”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the poor kid jump back a bit. “But…but I heard you and Josh were done with. Isn’t he, like, not talking to you or something?”

I glared at him, “Don’t believe everything you hear.” I stood to leave.

Tiss grabbed my wrist and pulled me close to him, “I could do you so much better than him.”

Before I thought about it, my hand was wrapped around his skinny neck. I leaned toward him tightening my grip and growled sensually, “No one could ever do better than him.”

I shoved him back and marched out of the gym. I went straight for the art room. I’d show up early and get a lot of work done before trying to see Josh. All I wanted was to see him. I yearned for his soft lips and charming smile and warm embrace. He owned my early thought. Perhaps, that was why I ran face first into Kaylee.

She scowled seriously at me. I didn’t react. “So is that it?”

I smiled fully. “Yup, that’s it. Today is now officially the day of assholes.” Kaylee gasped like she had been slapped. I rolled my eyes and began to pass her.

“I hate you and your bullshit. I know that you’re stalking some new piece of ass, but how fucking dare you just flit off without a care. Before this piece of shit came along, we were your family. Now you’ve—” I refused to turn until she came up with that family shit. I spun on her so quick she reacted as if I had teleported.

“How fucking dare I? How fucking dare I what? Move on? Be my own person?” I stepped directly into Kaylee’s face before continuing, “It that the problem, Kaylee? You don’t fucking control everything anymore so you’ve gotta bitch about it? I’m sorry my finding love and happiness destroys you so completely.”

Kaylee made the fish face that she’d worn for the majority of their encounter. “But Rage said—”

“Since when is Rage equivalent to motherfucking Buddha?” I screamed in her face. All the confrontations of the past few hours had drained me of all the composure and balance I usually held. I took a deep breath, reveling in the horror splashed across Kaylee’s pinched features, and began again deadly quiet. “Since when were you a mindless drone?” As if one cue, the bell rang, and I stormed away leaving her with her astonishment.

I stormed straight out the doors, into my car and into my apartment. I slammed my iPod into its iHome and pressed play. Depressing notes wafted out its speakers as I kicked off my shoes and curled up on the chair. My makeup drew lines down my face as Brand New lyrics stabbed me in the gut.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone
Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

I phased in and out of consciously crying and having strange dreams of searching for Josh. I felt like I was losing it. I finally woke fully and screamed—simply screamed until Zasha came charging in.

“Ren! Ren! Stop! Please, bro, stop it!” He yelled over my sustained screaming, but I couldn’t stop. I felt like all the defending I had done today broke something. Something was definitely broken, and whatever it was lived deep inside of me. Zasha ran to the speakers and turned off my music as some sad and angry Bright Eyes tried to weasel its way out.

I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open
and fixes all of life's mistakes
I wanna be the house that you were raised in
the only place that you feel safe
I wanna be your shower in the morning
that wakes you up and makes you cle—

My screams stopped immediately as the music did almost as if, I subconsciously couldn’t stand to hear someone else as broken as me. I knew that was my problem. Zasha glued me back together after Rage smashed me all to pieces. I held beautifully with only emotionless sex and random half-subs, but Josh ruined it all.

“Ren,” Zasha started carefully, kneeling in front of the chair I occupied.

It started as a whisper, “I care? I care. I fucking care! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I shook my head wildly as my heart tried to rip itself out. I couldn’t care. My breath wheezed out of my gulping throat. I just couldn’t. I felt tremors racing up my spine because I cared. The way I acted the night before, the way I was with him in bed, the way I reacted when I found him hurt showed me I cared, but I hadn’t wanted to know. Everything blurred with my panicked tears.

I felt Zasha’s hand on my face, “Ren. Baby bro. I know you hate me sometimes and by that I mean most times, but I have to say it’s okay. It’s okay to—”

I slapped his pity filled gestures away. “No! It’s not fucking okay. Of course it’s not. I can’t care. I’m too goddamn broken, Zash. I just can’t.”

“Why?” Zasha thought it had to do with grandmothers and drugged up parents, but it didn’t. They’d had care when they were living and sober, respectively. No, this was about me. Me in my heels and dresses. Me never having a real relationship. Me hardly existing as a real person.

I looked up slowly not caring about my wretched appearance, “He deserves more, Zash. So much that I can’t give him. I’ll only break him.” My sob rocked my entire body, “I’ll…I’ll break him…and… I can’t…I won’t do that.”

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Sorry again for the extended delay. I'll not to let it happen again.
:D Forgive me. My reviewers are superheros!!

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