Left Turn

((Now then, another run... I think I like this skipping ahead. I don't think the story is heavy enough to warrant following Chance through the entirety of his adventures. Maybe those can come up later, in another story. Hee hee. Or not. Anyway - forgiveness begged for anyone who wanted to go step by step, the writer's brain is turning to mush trying to do that in a story that is too light hearted to go that far.

Reviewers! Oh you make my day. I really wouldn't write and post things if it weren't for all of you taking time to read and write your thoughts! Thank you!

Anon: Erk.Well, that is an idea, isn't it? Hee hee. But really, Babs is a darling and she and I share some very serious views on child rearing, which if we're lucky, she'll expand on so I don't have to stand on my own lemonade box.
Haywire: *L* I'm going to have to hire you, you realize. Give you pompoms and have you teach me that dance thingie.. woah. You're awesome! And sorry! No Chance last chappie but he's HERE! Yay! And more of Sean too. Oh! And so glad you like Babs too! I adore her more and more.
kikvws: Oh dear, already getting a reputation of being devious, eh? Well, outside of my friendly circle. And I'd promised to be on my best behavior! ;) I hope, even if it doesn't end up as you want it (and I'm NOT saying it won't, I'm just... being mum on the subject, right?) that it'll still end up satisfactorily! Good to see your name! I'd been missing your comments.
Moe: You liked the sex chapter, ne? I think that is one of the best scenes I've ever written in my life. I loved how Jack took care of little Chance. Made me swoon. (Which made it very difficult to finish typing it up, I assure you!)

And on and on and on and... ))

Left Turn

Sean settled into the chair across from Chance and chewed on his lip, watching Chance work away at his bookwork. It wasn't that Chance could see it so much as he could feel the weight of that glance. Sean had been doing it often. Often enough, anyway.

"I know about Jarred," he said finally. It wasn't that Chance could say he was altogether surprised about this beginning statement. He hadn't thought of Sean as stupid in any way and the reality of it was that Sean seemed to watch Chance too closely to not have noticed the subtle signs.

Chance shrugged. "I thought you might," he said slowly, glancing up from his book to find Sean looking out the window at their side rather than at him.

"Yeah." Sean didn't seem to know what to say next.

"Does it bother you?" Chance hazarded. He knew that Sean had been working through some issues with Neil. He got a face full of them whenever the pair of them got off the phone. Sean would talk about losing his best friend, the trust and worry why Neil hadn't ever thought to tell him. But always, there was something underneath it all - a boy trying to come to terms with his best friend's being gay.

"Kind of," Sean shrugged uncertainly and swiftly looked down at his nails as he began to pick at them. "I mean, it ... it bothers me that you haven't told me. I was waiting for you to tell me."

Chance sighed. "It never seemed like the right time. I mean, you don't feel the need to come up to me and say, 'Hey Chance, I'm messing around with this cute girl,' do you? So why should it be any different for me?"

Sean looked confused and then frustrated. "I don't know. It just ... it's just different."

"How?"

"I don't know, Chance!" Sean looked around them at the few people in study corals further down the stacks. His voice dropped. "Maybe because it makes you a minority. Maybe because I assume you're a guy and so you're going to like girls, even when you like guys. Maybe because this society we live in means you should tell a friend at some point of time."

Chance nodded slowly. They were points and while the world wasn't a place where such things of sexual orientation didn't matter, it might have been nicer if it were. "Okay," he said, not having anything else to add. He wasn't going to apologize.

Sean's hands ran through his hair, his head falling down. "Dammit, Chance," he hissed, "It's not like I can't take it. I'm a grown man, or at least I think of myself as a grown man. I deserve a chance to make my own choices."

"Like choosing to be friends with a gay man or not?" Chance couldn't help the slight waspish tone in his voice. It hurt, this slow deterioration that Sean was going to push them down. He could see it coming, could feel it, had felt it for weeks now. But he'd hoped, because of Sean's willingness to still hang out with him, to accompany him places, to talk to him about Neil and his hopes for his best friend, that somehow - Sean wouldn't be too uncomfortable when the time came for this talk.

Looking at the withdrawn shoulders, the turned down face, Chance knew his hopes were in vain.

"That's not what I meant," Sean growled low and glared at Chance. "Fuck, I don't know what I mean, Chance. I just know that I wanted you to tell me. I didn't want to have to find out for myself."

"Like Neil."

"Neil told me," Sean complained.

"Eventually," Chance couldn't resist making things worse. It just seemed maybe they might have made this a cleaner break. "Look, Sean, Jarred is a sweet, nice guy. And he's not sure himself. But I seriously have never had a good time to tell you. It's not easy for me to just go around broadcasting things like my sexual escapades to friends."

"You knew about Neil," Sean hissed.

"Yes, I knew about Neil. But you're not sure about Neil being gay. You love him like a brother and you hate that he's sick and dying. But you haven't even begun to think about him being gay. You say he's gay, but you haven't figured out what you think about it all."

Sean's face fell and he returned his attention to his nails once more.

Chance, taking a chance, moved his chair slightly around and the round table so they could talk more carefully. He didn't want to feel so far away from his friend. "Sean, I am gay. You knew that, but the thing I haven't told you is that I've met a really nice guy and his name is Jarred."

Sean's eyes rose, filled with hurt and tears. "Why the hell didn't you tell me? Is this why Neil didn't tell me? Because he didn't trust me?"

Shocked by how things were traversing the ocean without ever leaving the table, Chance shook his head. "No, it's not you, Sean."

"That's what they always say. It's not you, Sean. It's me."

That deserved a slight chuckle and they both gave it in relief. Maybe it wasn't that things would go sour, Chance thought. Maybe it was just a matter of being able to talk about it and lance wounds neither of them knew were there.

"Okay, so it is you." Chance laid his hand on Sean's arm. "You're a tall, handsome," he could feel Sean's arm tense under his, "straight," he added with emphasis and a grin, "very strong, scary, terrifyingly male, friend. You know the kind. The ones who think because you're gay, you're in love with them or will look at them in the high school showers. The ones who will smile when you tell them and then go round up friends and drag you out behind the portables to beat you up after school. The ones who will say things like 'Oh I always knew you were a fag' and other nice words like that. Just like all of the guys who beat up on boys like me and Neil, made crass jokes about gay guys and anal sex, and would guzzle a beer after tying me to a fence and stripping me and spreading hotcold on my prick."

Sean was listening. Chance could tell. But he looked most disturbed than ever. "I never did anything like that," he said slowly and then added, "well, except maybe the joking and stuff. But I never beat anyone up for being gay."

"You weren't friends with any of the outwardly gay kids at school though, would be my guess."

"Well, no. They weren't on the teams and we didn't run in the same circles. But I didn't actively avoid them."

"You didn't make fun of them behind their backs when the guys sat around watching movies or while you were running laps, you stood up for them when other guys made fun of them, said they were ..."

"Okay, okay," Sean's lips tightened into a thin line. "I got it."

Chance wiped a hand across his mouth. "I was going to tell you. I just hadn't gotten the courage up yet. It... it isn't easy. It never is easy. But it's hardest when you're in highschool. I kept my head down, was really quiet and shy so that no one would notice me, no one could find out I was gay that way."

Sean nodded slowly. "I'm sorry," he whispered and they both knew he was talking to the wrong person.

"Yeah," Chance answered anyway. "Me too."

They were silent then and Chance began to gather up his books. He watched Sean out of the corner of his eye, thinking back to the months that had passed. Jarred wasn't the first boy he'd decided to date on the sly. After Kasey had hit on him, he'd bumped into another boy and managed it fairly better. Mike had lasted only a short time, no more than three meetings and then Chance's lack of desire to go further killed that. Then there had been the english tutor, Star. Star was outwardly gay in all senses of the word. And the differences gave them reason to think they were better off friends. Star wanted someone more like him, with more "flourish" as he called it.

Christmas had only been the beginning. For one thing, it was nice to have the fact he was gay known. But he swiftly found this was only the beginning. There were the other guys to tell as well. Leon, of course took it well and then, in the most annoying way possible, proceeded to talk about it to death, trying to take advantage of one of his friends being a psychological marvel, as he called it. Trace, being one of the more straight laced, had trouble, as did Warren. Warren got to the point where he'd leave the room if Chance entered it. And it was a bittersweet reminder of how divided the subject of his sexuality was, that Warren eventually left the group altogether. Trace looked uncomfortable and backed off some, but still could be seen now and again and seemed to honestly want to try and come to terms with it. And Mike had quietly told Chance of how he was bisexual. It had been almost a nice change, but things got cold fast.

Even with all of the settling in of that information, Chance had a feeling that Sean, while trying to act otherwise, was still struggling mightily with the information. He would catch Sean watching him at times with a crinkle between his brows of concentration as if he were trying to figure out how to put the last jigsaw pieces into the puzzle, yet unable to find which shade of black goes where.

Chance and Sean left the library side by side. Chance wasn't sure if he wanted to try his luck at talking about being gay that night so he steered them to discussing classes instead.

"...told them that Mrs. Chatterham isn't a Libra. I mean, how can she be? She's got gum hanging out of her nose and how balanced is that? Of course," Chance had realized at one point that Sean was no longer listening.

"Gum out of her nose?" Sean paused and Chance turned to look up at him and grin.

"Been sleeping?"

"Sorry," Sean smiled back. "I was just thinking. Do you think because I'm friends with you and Neil that I'm gay?"

Chance frowned. "Homosexuality isn't catching, Sean."

"No! No I don't mean that. I mean... that birds of a feather and shit. I mean, how do you know that you're gay?"

"Umm, you're attracted to the opposite sex?"

"Well duh. But it's not like that. I mean, guys are handsome and all. Or Michaelangelo would never have made David. I mean... how do you know you're interested in guys? I like girls plenty. But I care really deeply for Neil. I don't want him to die. I don't want him so fucking far away. I like it when you hug me after I've cried - not that I do that often," he added swiftly.

"No," Chance liked the small lull of their joined chuckle.

Sean sighed deeply. "I just.. I wonder. I mean, is a kiss just a kiss? If I kissed a guy, would it do anything for me? Hell, if I kissed a dog, would it do something for me? I'm just a body after all, right?"

Chance laughed. "We'll go to the pound tomorrow," he said before he realized that Sean wasn't going to talk to him any more. Only maybe Sean was. Maybe this was Sean being thoughtful instead of seat of the pants mentality.

"Ha ha," Sean intoned without humor. "Seriously. Have you ever kissed a girl?"

Chance shook his head. "I've heard it's boring if you're gay."

"You've never wanted to?"

"Nope."

"Well, how am I to know if I'm.. " Sean paused and looked at Chance who, with a sudden lifting of hands, took a step back.

"No, Sean. No way." Chance was blushing fiercely.

"Just a little kiss. C'mon Chancey."

"You think things are uncomfortable now! Just wait until after!"

"It's a stupid kiss. If it's good for you, or me.. or whatever, then we'd have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings. C'mon, it's the only time you'll get a chance to kiss a basketball player."

It wasn't true. He'd already kissed Mike, but Mike wasn't ready for anyone to know that yet. Chance shook his head. "No."

"Chance.." Sean whined. "Don't make me beg. I'll beg, you know I will."

"Sean, no!"

"Okay, I'll beg," Sean started to sink to his knees.

Catching him by the arm, Chance pulled him up. "Stop it," he hissed. "Will you just stop it?"

"Kiss me," Sean said softly.

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"I'll never ask again."

"No, Sean."

"Chance! You're one of my best friends. I can't trust anyone else! Please?"

"Dammit, Sean, I said no and I meant n-" Chance's rant was cut off as Sean's fingers covered his mouth.

"Chance," Sean gazed at him carefully. "I really need to know this. Please. I can't ... figure it out otherwise."

Chance pulled back his head and licked his lips with a slight hitch in his chest. He didn't need to have another man to haunt his dreams. Jack was enough. But... "Okay," he said slowly, nodding his head.

Sean's smile was a glaring beaming and he swiftly stepped forward, cupping Chance's chin. "Okay," he said and with the most infinite of gentle touches, angled his mouth slightly, dropping his head and tilting Chance's head back.

They were of a disparate height and it made the kiss more... sensual for Chance. He moaned softly into the light touch of lips on his own. It reminded him slightly of Jack's kisses. And of course, he wasn't about to fight against remembering that. You weren't supposed to ever forget that special first time. Besides, he'd been in love with Jack long before all of that. He'd had a crush on Jack way back that first day Jack had shown up to school. He'd almost thought he'd die seeing Jack walk into the band room, his dark hair and golden green eyes, looking like he had just come off of a photo shoo-

"Nothing for you too?" Sean's voice cut into his thoughts and Chance looked up with a shocked expression. "You were zoning out. It was like.. I don't know. It was boring. Like you said. I'm boring. You're boring for me, I'm boring for you. Thank God," and he let Chance go and leaned back, settling into a seat under the lamp. "That's that, then," and a weight seemed to rise off of Sean's shoulders. "Good."

Chance blinked hard and then laughed. "Well, I wasn't trying very hard." But he had to agree with Sean. It hadn't been anything important enough, nothing to write home about.

"Me neither," Sean grinned and slapped his hands on his knees. "Okay, so I'm straight. And you're gay and that's cool. And I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about what kinds of jokes I tell and what I let people around me say." His face took on a pained note. "Chance... I... It's not like I can change overnight."

"No," Chance agreed. "But it's a start. And Neil will really appreciate it, I'm sure."

Sean nodded almost imperceptibly. "Yeah," he said softly as he stood. "Yeah, I hope he does." The heavy dull fog of impending death settled over them and Chance took Sean's arm, tugging on it.

"C'mon, Sean," Chance coaxed, "Let's not get into this right now. Let's get home. I've got a huge exam in the morning."

Sean smiled weakly and allowed himself to be drawn away.

And Chance took a call from Jarred and wondered before he fell asleep, if anyone would ever make him feel as special as Jack had, that first time. Or if it were a one time thing.