schedule
March 31, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter two was a complete success, though sad. I loved it. I can't wait to see what happens next. I'm so excited.
schedule
March 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Please continue! would especially like to see how his relationship with Mo goes, being dead and all.
schedule
March 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I definitely think you should continue! It's quite interesting so far!
schedule
March 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I really like this! It's a great perspective and there are so many paths down which you could take this. Overall your writing is tight and engages the reader with the narrator’s perspective.
But:
Your description of the narrator. It’s not how he looks or even that you tell us how he looks. It’s 'how' you tell us. This is a first person piece. I’ve never met someone who thought to themselves:
‘The ivory fingers contrasting greatly with the black strands that fall just below my chin’
It sounds unnatural, and pulled me out of the story. On the other hand I love the line. ‘My hands had made their home in my dark hair.’ It’s a great image and shows the reader an awful lot about what the character is feeling.
The other issue I would like to raise is tenses. Most of this piece is in the past tense but there are a few occasions in which you jump into present. For example:
‘It makes no sense to my mind, gray eyes watching the flesh people around me lower the casket into the open ground. Why was the ground swallowing my body when I'm standing right here?’
You went: present, present, present, past, present. Either change it all to past or change ‘was the ground swallowing’ to ‘is the ground swallowing.’ I think you would find it easier to change the piece all to past tense as this is the one you have used in the majority of instances.
Like I said, it’s a really good piece. I like it a lot. This is meant to be helpful, not negative, because I think you have a lot of potential. These are all the personal opinions of one reader.
If it was helpful, I’m glad. If not, well…
But:
Your description of the narrator. It’s not how he looks or even that you tell us how he looks. It’s 'how' you tell us. This is a first person piece. I’ve never met someone who thought to themselves:
‘The ivory fingers contrasting greatly with the black strands that fall just below my chin’
It sounds unnatural, and pulled me out of the story. On the other hand I love the line. ‘My hands had made their home in my dark hair.’ It’s a great image and shows the reader an awful lot about what the character is feeling.
The other issue I would like to raise is tenses. Most of this piece is in the past tense but there are a few occasions in which you jump into present. For example:
‘It makes no sense to my mind, gray eyes watching the flesh people around me lower the casket into the open ground. Why was the ground swallowing my body when I'm standing right here?’
You went: present, present, present, past, present. Either change it all to past or change ‘was the ground swallowing’ to ‘is the ground swallowing.’ I think you would find it easier to change the piece all to past tense as this is the one you have used in the majority of instances.
Like I said, it’s a really good piece. I like it a lot. This is meant to be helpful, not negative, because I think you have a lot of potential. These are all the personal opinions of one reader.
If it was helpful, I’m glad. If not, well…
schedule
March 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Interesting...nice beginning...can't wait to read future updates...now on my list of favorites...lindsey