Seven Sick Short Stories
folder
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,536
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,536
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
Seven Sick Short Stories
The man entered his living room, an open cardboard box tucked in his arm.
He gently sat it upon the ground, and was about to reach into it when a knock came at his door.
\"Jeff! It\'s been a while, man!\" They shook hands at the door. Old college buddies.
\"You\'re looking good, Steve. Say, got any saltines?\" \"Yeah.\"
Steve retrieved a packet of saltines from the kitchen and handed them to his friend to munch on. He reached into the box and pulled out...
\"A kitten! Aw, it\'s so cute!\" Jeff reached over to stroke it.
\"Just a minute, Jeff.\" With that, Steve tossed the kitten straight up, into the rotating blades of his ceiling fan. The kitten\'s fragile body was hurtled across the room, slamming directly into the TV screen. It gave out one pitiful \'mew\' and died. \"Damn, that\'s 582.\"
\"582 WHAT? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?\"
\"Oh, I\'m trying to raise Attack Cats. Like Attack Dogs, only cheaper. So far, I\'ve been unsuccessful.\"
\"MY GOD YOU SICK BASTARD! HOW IN THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT?\"
\"Well, it\'s quite simple, really. You pick up a cat, throw it into the ceiling fan, like so.\" He picked up another cat and lobbed it into the fan. This time, the feline was deflected directly into Jeff\'s face.
\"OH MY FUCKING GOD! FUCK THIS, I\'M LEAVING!\"
\"Jeff, wait! Aren\'t you staying for dinner?\"
\"Well, what\'s for dinner?\"
\"I clean and cook the dead cats.\"
\"FUCK NO YOU GODDAMN SICK BASTARD!\"
Jeff slams the door so hard, it falls off the hinges. Bemusedly, to himself, Steve comments:
\"Well, a billion Chinamen can\'t be wrong.\" He scoops up the dead bodies and walks into the kitchen. Almost as an afterthought, he picks up another live cat. \"Let\'s see if you\'ll survive the microwave test,\" he comments.
~~~
Jeff arrived back at his house in a huff. His fiancee, Maria, greeted him. \"Why so mad, honey?\" \"Steve...he...my god...I don\'t want to talk about it.\" Maria nodded. \"Today\'s your birthday, sweetie. Want your gift?\" Jeff\'s mood brightened considerably. \"Okay, put this blindfold on.\" She led him into the dining room and sat him, and removed his blindfold.
\"A bowl of dry dirt? A saltlick?\" He turned to his fiancee. \"How much more can I be in love with you?\" He pulled her in for a passionate kiss before starting on his feast.
~~~
Janet arrived at her sister Maria\'s house, where she was playing a melancholy tune on her piano. \"Hey, sis,\" Maria droned. \"Aw, what\'s wrong, Maria?\" Janet replied. \"Thinking about gramma again?\"
\"Yeah. I mean, she just disappeared ten years ago this Sunday, and never got to hear my big piano recital. We were both looking forward to it...it crushed me when she disappeared.\"
\"Um, actually...I know where gramma is.\"
\"You do? Where?\" A hopeful look appeared in Maria\'s eyes.
Janet merely walked over to the piano and opened the lid. Immediately, the musty stench of long-dead rotted meat hit their noses. Inside lay the dry, withered body of the girls\' grandmother.
\"GRAMMA! NOOOOOO!\" Maria broke down into teaand and tilted her head up. \"How...why...\"
~~~
Ten years ago.
Gramma was slowly pacing her way through the house. Janet stepped in front of her, a vengeful look in her eyes and a baseball bat in her hand.
\"Janet? What can gramma do for you? Would you like some cookies?\"
\"You just had to meddle, didn\'t bit bitch?\" Janet spat out. She delivered a fast blow to gramma\'s knees, taking the old woman down.
\"Janet? Why are you doing this? Help...gramma...\"
\"You know full well why I\'m doing this, old cunt!\" She delivered a sharp blow to Gramma\'s shoulder, shattering the joint. Gramma cried out in pain.
\"Please...stop...I promise...I won\'t...\"
\"Won\'t what? Ruin my life anymore? TOO LATE FOR THAT, BITCH!\" Janet proceeded to wail on gramma dozens of times, long after the old lady was dead. She scooped up the beaten corpse and placed it inside Maria\'s piano, brand new for her recital Wednesday. She then retrieved soap and scrubbers to remove the blood from the carpet.
~~~
Maria banged on her sister\'s chest with no strength, as the sobs wracked her body. \"WHY DID YOU DO IT?\" she howled.
Janet caught Maria\'s wrists. \"She found out, sis.\" She kissed each hand. \"About us.\" She kissed her way up Maria\'s arm. \"And she threatened...\" starting on her neck. \"...to tell everyone...\" on the ear now. \"About us.\" She ended with a chaste kiss on the lips and stared deep into her sister\'s eyes.
\"Oh Janet, I love you so much!\" Maria pressed her open mouth to Janet\'s, and their tongues entwirled in an all to familiar dance.
~~~
Jeff sat in the hospital bed, moaning in pain. Maria walked in.
\"Honey, they tell me they brought you here. Why?\"
\"My liver and intestines exploded, and I had severe dehydration. That lovely feast we had the other night...it nearly killed me.\" Tears flowed from his eyes. \"I\'ll never be able to eat dirt or salt again.\"
Several tears fell from Maria\'s eyes as well. \"Well, Jeff,\" she sniffed. \"There\'s one thing you can still have. Two, actually.\"
\"What, honey?\"
\"Me and Janet are sexually active with each other, and she wants to make love to you too.\"
Jeff immediately jumped to his feet. \"THREESOME! YEAH!\"
Maria planted a kiss on Jeff\'s nose, and left him with a wink.
~~~
Several days later, a bandaged man was wheeled in and placed on the bed next to Jeff\'s. The man barely managed to turn his head, but recognized his neighbor.
\"Hey, Jeff! It\'s me, Steve. How you doin\'?\"
\"How does it look like I\'m doing, you sick fuck? I need three major organ transplants, and I can never eat salt again.\"
\"Well, that\'s a damn shame. Want to hear why I\'m in here?\"
\"Your neighbors found out what you were doing and mob you?\"
\"Nah. I finally had a graduate from Attack Cat school. Fan test, microwave test, water test, gun test...the little bugger survived them all, but unfortunately he severely mauled me after I handed him his cute little diploma. After that, he tore down the door -- you know, that big oak one -- and escaped. Police have advised people kill it as fast as possible, even if it means annihilating everybody they had ever loved.\"
\"...you really are a stupid fucking jackass, you know that?\"
\"Yes, I guess somewhere I knew my Attack Cat training school was doomed from the start.\"
Jeff rolled his eyes at the proclamation.
\"Now, the concept of Attack Monkeys...monkeys are cute, ten times more so if dressed up in a little red bellhop uniform -- complete with cap! -- and the ability to speak French, and little miniature knives...\"
Jeff began to cry as his ex-friend began to drone on about what stages his Attack Monkey training program would have.
He gently sat it upon the ground, and was about to reach into it when a knock came at his door.
\"Jeff! It\'s been a while, man!\" They shook hands at the door. Old college buddies.
\"You\'re looking good, Steve. Say, got any saltines?\" \"Yeah.\"
Steve retrieved a packet of saltines from the kitchen and handed them to his friend to munch on. He reached into the box and pulled out...
\"A kitten! Aw, it\'s so cute!\" Jeff reached over to stroke it.
\"Just a minute, Jeff.\" With that, Steve tossed the kitten straight up, into the rotating blades of his ceiling fan. The kitten\'s fragile body was hurtled across the room, slamming directly into the TV screen. It gave out one pitiful \'mew\' and died. \"Damn, that\'s 582.\"
\"582 WHAT? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?\"
\"Oh, I\'m trying to raise Attack Cats. Like Attack Dogs, only cheaper. So far, I\'ve been unsuccessful.\"
\"MY GOD YOU SICK BASTARD! HOW IN THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT?\"
\"Well, it\'s quite simple, really. You pick up a cat, throw it into the ceiling fan, like so.\" He picked up another cat and lobbed it into the fan. This time, the feline was deflected directly into Jeff\'s face.
\"OH MY FUCKING GOD! FUCK THIS, I\'M LEAVING!\"
\"Jeff, wait! Aren\'t you staying for dinner?\"
\"Well, what\'s for dinner?\"
\"I clean and cook the dead cats.\"
\"FUCK NO YOU GODDAMN SICK BASTARD!\"
Jeff slams the door so hard, it falls off the hinges. Bemusedly, to himself, Steve comments:
\"Well, a billion Chinamen can\'t be wrong.\" He scoops up the dead bodies and walks into the kitchen. Almost as an afterthought, he picks up another live cat. \"Let\'s see if you\'ll survive the microwave test,\" he comments.
~~~
Jeff arrived back at his house in a huff. His fiancee, Maria, greeted him. \"Why so mad, honey?\" \"Steve...he...my god...I don\'t want to talk about it.\" Maria nodded. \"Today\'s your birthday, sweetie. Want your gift?\" Jeff\'s mood brightened considerably. \"Okay, put this blindfold on.\" She led him into the dining room and sat him, and removed his blindfold.
\"A bowl of dry dirt? A saltlick?\" He turned to his fiancee. \"How much more can I be in love with you?\" He pulled her in for a passionate kiss before starting on his feast.
~~~
Janet arrived at her sister Maria\'s house, where she was playing a melancholy tune on her piano. \"Hey, sis,\" Maria droned. \"Aw, what\'s wrong, Maria?\" Janet replied. \"Thinking about gramma again?\"
\"Yeah. I mean, she just disappeared ten years ago this Sunday, and never got to hear my big piano recital. We were both looking forward to it...it crushed me when she disappeared.\"
\"Um, actually...I know where gramma is.\"
\"You do? Where?\" A hopeful look appeared in Maria\'s eyes.
Janet merely walked over to the piano and opened the lid. Immediately, the musty stench of long-dead rotted meat hit their noses. Inside lay the dry, withered body of the girls\' grandmother.
\"GRAMMA! NOOOOOO!\" Maria broke down into teaand and tilted her head up. \"How...why...\"
~~~
Ten years ago.
Gramma was slowly pacing her way through the house. Janet stepped in front of her, a vengeful look in her eyes and a baseball bat in her hand.
\"Janet? What can gramma do for you? Would you like some cookies?\"
\"You just had to meddle, didn\'t bit bitch?\" Janet spat out. She delivered a fast blow to gramma\'s knees, taking the old woman down.
\"Janet? Why are you doing this? Help...gramma...\"
\"You know full well why I\'m doing this, old cunt!\" She delivered a sharp blow to Gramma\'s shoulder, shattering the joint. Gramma cried out in pain.
\"Please...stop...I promise...I won\'t...\"
\"Won\'t what? Ruin my life anymore? TOO LATE FOR THAT, BITCH!\" Janet proceeded to wail on gramma dozens of times, long after the old lady was dead. She scooped up the beaten corpse and placed it inside Maria\'s piano, brand new for her recital Wednesday. She then retrieved soap and scrubbers to remove the blood from the carpet.
~~~
Maria banged on her sister\'s chest with no strength, as the sobs wracked her body. \"WHY DID YOU DO IT?\" she howled.
Janet caught Maria\'s wrists. \"She found out, sis.\" She kissed each hand. \"About us.\" She kissed her way up Maria\'s arm. \"And she threatened...\" starting on her neck. \"...to tell everyone...\" on the ear now. \"About us.\" She ended with a chaste kiss on the lips and stared deep into her sister\'s eyes.
\"Oh Janet, I love you so much!\" Maria pressed her open mouth to Janet\'s, and their tongues entwirled in an all to familiar dance.
~~~
Jeff sat in the hospital bed, moaning in pain. Maria walked in.
\"Honey, they tell me they brought you here. Why?\"
\"My liver and intestines exploded, and I had severe dehydration. That lovely feast we had the other night...it nearly killed me.\" Tears flowed from his eyes. \"I\'ll never be able to eat dirt or salt again.\"
Several tears fell from Maria\'s eyes as well. \"Well, Jeff,\" she sniffed. \"There\'s one thing you can still have. Two, actually.\"
\"What, honey?\"
\"Me and Janet are sexually active with each other, and she wants to make love to you too.\"
Jeff immediately jumped to his feet. \"THREESOME! YEAH!\"
Maria planted a kiss on Jeff\'s nose, and left him with a wink.
~~~
Several days later, a bandaged man was wheeled in and placed on the bed next to Jeff\'s. The man barely managed to turn his head, but recognized his neighbor.
\"Hey, Jeff! It\'s me, Steve. How you doin\'?\"
\"How does it look like I\'m doing, you sick fuck? I need three major organ transplants, and I can never eat salt again.\"
\"Well, that\'s a damn shame. Want to hear why I\'m in here?\"
\"Your neighbors found out what you were doing and mob you?\"
\"Nah. I finally had a graduate from Attack Cat school. Fan test, microwave test, water test, gun test...the little bugger survived them all, but unfortunately he severely mauled me after I handed him his cute little diploma. After that, he tore down the door -- you know, that big oak one -- and escaped. Police have advised people kill it as fast as possible, even if it means annihilating everybody they had ever loved.\"
\"...you really are a stupid fucking jackass, you know that?\"
\"Yes, I guess somewhere I knew my Attack Cat training school was doomed from the start.\"
Jeff rolled his eyes at the proclamation.
\"Now, the concept of Attack Monkeys...monkeys are cute, ten times more so if dressed up in a little red bellhop uniform -- complete with cap! -- and the ability to speak French, and little miniature knives...\"
Jeff began to cry as his ex-friend began to drone on about what stages his Attack Monkey training program would have.