Married in School - a Naked in School story
one
-
My boss, Lester Landry PhD, was the County Schools Administrator. He was also bald, chubby, around sixty, and quite unattractive. Him visiting George Washington All Grades School, where I was Principal, always filled me with dread. Usually he just sent email or did internet meetings. Most times he only bothered to drive thirty miles from the county seat if there was a major problem.
I was quite surprised he walked into my office unannounced. “Hello, Miss Kelson. It’s great to see you again!” He leered at me instead of smiling, with his gaze firmly fixed on my chest.
I extended my hand and forced myself to say, “Nice of you to visit, sir.”
“Please, Kim, call me Lester.”
I thought of the similar word, ‘molester.’ He took my hand in his and bowed slightly. I briefly worried if he was going to kiss it, but he let go. “We need to discuss a new program, and I have a survey for your students.”
I wondered, “Survey?”
“It only takes a few minutes, just eight questions. Have all students nine or older do them today.” He set a stack of copies on my desk and I read:
HAAPY Program
Highly Accelerated Adulthood Progression Years
Initial Survey
Name
Age
Gender
Have you tried tobacco products?
Have you tried drinking alcohol?
Are you a virgin?
Are you Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, or Other? (Circle one)
If you are currently dating, what is your partner’s name?
-
I complained, “Surveys like this are always anonymous. Nobody will tell the truth if their name is on it! And what’s this about? ‘Accelerated Adulthood?”
“A lot of people call the program ‘Married in School.’ The last few decades the divorce rate has been ridiculously high. We’re going to teach young people what being married is really like, and how to get along with a spouse.”
“What does that have to do with alcohol or smoking?”
“To encourage participation, students who join the program will be allowed to smoke outside between classes. They can drink beer in class, up to a six pack per day. Students are also allowed to hug, kiss, fondle, and have sex with their ‘practice spouse’ in school.”
I exclaimed, “WHAT?”
“It will prepare our students for real marriage and save the school district tons of money, millions a year. Students will rent cots from us if they want to have sex laying down, and we’ll sell them cigarettes and beer for a tidy profit. We’ll sell pornography, lube, and sex toys, too. The alcohol, tobacco, and porn age limit laws have been suspended for the program. We’ll also teach them to drink responsibly, so they don’t drive drunk or turn into alcoholics.”
I was shocked beyond words, and my mouth hung open. “Guh!”
“Students need to be at least ten to participate, but the younger ones can watch and learn. All volunteers will get health checks before their simulated weddings. The females will get birth control implants to prevent unplanned pregnancies, which is another big problem these days.”
I was so discombobulated I couldn’t speak. “Ungh…”
“Your beautiful daughters will all volunteer, right? What are their names?”
“Helga is thirteen. She’ll probably do it. Her and her boyfriend Marcus are hot for each other. Her twin Helen isn’t dating anybody. Lindsey is only nine, and I think she might like girls.”
“Singles can join the program and get a practice spouse assigned to them, and gay dating and marriage are totally fine. Make sure and sign the twins up, and the young one on her next birthday.”
“Uh… yessir.”
“Hand out the surveys with these parent notifications. Since there are more boys than girls here, you, the cafeteria ladies, and all the female teachers will have practice husbands, too. Nurses and a doctor will be here tomorrow to start the health checks. Here are the program rules. You’ll do the simulated weddings next Monday. Have a nice day.”
“Uh… you too, sir.” I was glad he closed my office door when he left. I shouted, threw some papers around, and cried until I could pull myself together. I doubted the crazy thing could be real and checked the internet. The state law creating the program passed almost unanimously, 44 to 3.
Eventually I calmed myself and tidied things up. I read more of the program rules. “Practice couples will attend school together, sharing a desk, with the lighter spouse in the other’s lap. They will also eat, bathe, and sleep together, alternating between their parents’ homes.
“During the first week together each couple may hug or kiss if they agree, but no sexual activity is permitted. The practice wife makes all sexual decisions the second and fourth weeks with the husband deciding everything else. They trade roles the third and fifth weeks, with the husband controlling sex. They all agree in writing to sex with their practice spouses at the start of the program, so law enforcement will ignore any rape or assault allegations from students in weeks two through five of their practice marriages.
“They must negotiate and agree on things after the fifth week. No agreement about sex means they don’t have sex. No agreement about dinner means they don’t eat yet.
“At the start of the HAAPY program at each school, at the beginning of each new school year, and at the end of each quarter, new practice spouses will be assigned. No practice couple may stay together longer than a single quarter, about nine weeks. This will teach students how to handle loss and jealousy. They may date again or marry after graduation, if they choose.
“In many cases teachers and other school staff will need to participate for gender balancing if the school has more females than males, or vice versa. Principals will choose or randomly assign practice spouses for all single students, themselves, teachers, and other school staff who participate.”
I thought about the interesting phrase “Principals will choose…” The school had nineteen more boys than girls. There were eight female teachers, me, and six other female employees.
Each of the other women got a practice husband, and I assigned myself five brawny football players.
-