What You See Isn't Me

Searching through the interwebs

Clicking on the highlights

Zooming past the insights

Type a query, press enter

Hoping to find the inescapable answer

Not to life or how the world works

Not to fads, diets, or teenage twerks

Celebrity gossip, ins and outs of the mainstream

Images passing me by like a past dream

Not the whos and whys and whats that fill

 

Not what can be bought, buried, or found using the green

bill

 

What I look for can’t be found so easily

As it exists just beyond my capability

To define, to find, to explain or rationalize

A way to make you see what I see

To take you on a trip beyond the mind’s eye

To bring to light all the wrong in me

To drag out this putrid darkness that haunts me

To maybe think that as weak as I am

To maybe see how tired I am

Is not because I refuse to stand up

That I refuse to man up

To do what needs be

Because what you see,

It ain’t really me

Suffocating, debilitating, energy draining

Constant as the sun rises

The inner pain and struggle never dies

I stand on two weary feet

I walk with two broken knees

I breathe through punctured lungs

My heart beats through severed strings

Everyday a new chance for despair

Everyday a new chance for destruction

Through my own ties that bind

A darkness that I always find

I struggle through invisible walls

Leeching hands holding when I fall

Deafening judgments ringing silent

Images bringing me to violence

I stand alone at the edge

I look down as my toes creep over the ledge

I rise up not because I can

I fall not because I am weak

I breathe not because I should

I live not because I was given life

When the darkness hates you

When the light tortures you

Where twilight burns you through

And shadows smile cruelly up at you

The world is no longer an oyster

No longer a fairy tale waiting to come true

Where the demons that lie in front of you

Are safer than the ones you create

A mind’s eye is the devil’s playground

And the whispered what ifs become your nightmares

A world of imagination

Will turn your darkest thoughts real

And when you finally realize

That nowhere will you ever be safe

That is where you will find me

Standing not because I can

Aching not because I am lazy

Crying not because I am unworthy

Smiling not because I am arrogant

But because I live this hell

And you’re just a visitor here