Merch Guy 2: Free Admission

As Rico feverishly packed for our "Road Trip to Love" as he called it, he got a phone call from our manager. He wanted us to do another tour in just a few weeks. It wasn't as big as the one we had just finished; just a few cities on the west coast. I was a mixture of relieved and dissapointed that our trip got cancelled. On one hand I didn't have to come to terms with my feelings just yet, but on the other hand I wasn't going to see Jahan again any time soon. Instead I was hitting the gym with Rico and rehearsing for hours and then about 2 months later we were stuffed on a bus again, on our way to... hell, who the fuck knew?

The weeks passed and I, for the most part, didn't think about Jahan all that much. I got plenty of gay groupie ass before and after shows, and between that stuff I pretty much just slept on the bus, as did most of the band. Soon we were heading toward Jahan's home state. I only knew that because Rico had come up behind me to squeeze me as he told me that he had an elaborate plan in mind to reunite us. See, neither of us had his number or even his last name or anything. We looked through the CD insert of the band he had merched for, but then realized that merch people weren't typically named in credits. So, we turned to cyber stalking. We typed in a full name of one of the band members and found their personal internet page. Then, we had one of the hot girls from a fellow touring band add him so that we could see all of his friends. Jahan didn't have a page, but there was a girl who looked just like him, which we figured as his sister he had mentioned. Hoping that it wasn't her married last name, we coupled that with Jahan's and yellow paged it and ta-da: address.

It was our day off when we arrived in Jahan country. It was a little bit chilly even though the sun was shining. I looked up and saw clouds slowly working their way over the mountains in the background of the city. I knew this was a terrible idea. He'd think I was some kind of stalker, or he might not even be at home, or it could have been the wrong address. Still, my thrill-junkie side wanted me to do it regardless. I had Rico drop me off a few blocks away. I didn't want him interfering with anything that happened. As my blood raced in my veins and my mind chanted, "This is crazy, this is crazy." I watched my red sneakers moving against the cold cement of the walkway. The house was very small, but looked like it was kept up pretty well. It was blue, and in front of the door were bits of that weird green shit people used to put on their front steps. It looked like someone was in the process of getting rid of it, but wasn't very successful so far. I was just getting ready to press the little orange light of a doorbell when I heard the door open.

"I'm going to get some now." Jahan called behind him, then after nearly running into me he stared and said, "Oh."

I was so busy staring into those hazel eyes that I didn't notice another person come up behind Jahan.

"What is it?" some guy asked and then looked at me, "Hey! You're that dude from that band, huh?"

I nodded and my neck cracked. I hadn't realized the tension in my body. My eyes moved to the guy's arm, which was draped over Jahan's shoulders in a way that friends don't do. Jahan pushed forward and I had to move so that the screen door could open. Jahan turned to the guy. Blonde. Why is it always a blonde? "I'm going to take him with me so that we can catch up. See you in a bit." he said. I saw him try to leave before it happened, but the guy pulled his head in for a kiss and said, "Okay, don't be gone too long." and winked at him before shutting the screen door.

My mind was just kind of weird feeling as I followed Jahan to his little car. It was a piece of shit, which somehow made me more depressed because something about it was just so 'Jahan'. When he started the car my ears were assaulted with fast screaming metal. I like that music, but not with the way I was feeling just then. It felt abrasive. Then Jahan turned the radio off and I suddenly wished that he had left the metal on. I could tell that he was trying to figure out what to say from the way he was fidgeting. I was somewhat glad when the sound of his blinker broke the silence. We drove to a drugstore. I kind of wanted to sit in the car and talk, but Jahan got out too quickly. I got out too and we walked into the store before he finally said anything.

"I saw that your band is playing tomorrow night. I was going to go see the show." he said, purposely staring too hard at food labels.

There were a lot of things that I wanted to reply, including, "Is that when you were going to tell me?" and "Were you going to come alone?" and, "What the fuck?" instead I just said, "Cool." We walked into another aisle and I went for it. "How long?"

"A month." he finally stopped walking and looked at me. I felt somewhat relieved. At least he hadn't cheated on the guy with me. "He's been asking for a while. I finally decided 'fuck it' and went for it."

"Is he a cool guy?" I asked, picking something off of the shelf. I'd find someone to eat whatever it was.

"Yeah. We met at a contemporary art place a while back. I gave him my number just to be nice, you know? Anyway, he's really creative and smart and shit."

"That's cool."

"So, how about you? Any good groupie stories?"

I shrugged, "Not really. I guess there was this one guy in Tucson who told me that he was such a slut that I could put my phone on his head and watch a movie while he sucked me off. I'm not really sure how that meant he was a slut, but it was funny."

Jahan chuckled and I swooned at his smile. Fuck me, I'm disgusting. We continued wandering down the aisles for a while and then I realized something. I asked him what he had come to the store for in the first place. He blushed a little bit. So. Fucking. Adorable.

"I was maybe coming here to buy condoms?" he said in a high, awkward tone as he looked anywhere but at me. I leaned against a shelf and raised my eyebrow.

"Are you really being all shy about buying condoms with me?" I asked, giving him a look to make sure he knew I was referencing our sexy time together. That's right, I had to make sure it was acknowledged.

He shrugged, "I don't know. It's just kind of weird I guess."

"Dork." I said and started pushing him toward the condom row. I jokingly handed him a box of jumbo ones. He took it and said thanks and started walking over to the register. "You're kidding, right?" I asked. Jahan blushed and said, "Yeah." and then grabbed a box of regulars. I did note that he paid a little extra for the fancy kind that are supposed to feel like nothing's there, but I didn't comment. It was just kind of nice when the bottom thought about the top's... feelings. When we got into the car I asked if he would drop me off at the hotel. It was mostly because I knew it was a longer drive.

"So, did you miss me that much?" Jahan asked, taking his eyes off of the road just long enough to look at me. I tore my eyes away from the few sprinkles that had started to fall on his windshield. I knew what he was really asking. He knew why I had come to his house.

"Yeah." I said, "It was kind of cool... hanging out with you."

"Yeah," he said, mimicking my wistful tone, "I liked hanging out with you too."

"So, what made you finally say yes?" I asked, changing the topic of conversation, but not really.

"I was interested in something stable."

"I didn't think we'd be on tour again so fast." I said, assuming that he was telling me that I wasn't stable.

He pulled into a parking lot and stopped the car. Oh shit. Had I said something wrong?

"I really don't want to fuck up whatever kind of friendship we have by having this conversation, but I have to know. Did you really want to date me, or what?"

I closed my eyes. I hated when shit got real, "I think I want to date you, but I just decided that like, right now. Fuck, I don't know Jahan." I looked at him. Might as well confess it all. Things couldn't get more fucked than they were. "Ever since leaving that tour you've always been on my damn brain. I want to be with you all the fucking time and I'd like to say that I don't know what that means, but I know exactly what it means and it scares the hell out of me. I don't want it, but at the same time the thought of not having you makes me just as upset and I just don't know what to do with all these shitty feelings."

He looked down at the steering wheel, but said nothing. I saw that his knuckles were white as they gripped the wheel.

"I'm sorry if you hate me now." I said, not sure of what else to say.

"I don't hate you." he said quietly, then I heard that unmistakable shudder of tears, "No wait, I changed my mind. You made me cry like an idiot." he looked at me. His eyes were bright green. Shit shit shit, even crying he was beautiful.

"No no Jahan. Don't cry." I hate when people cry, because it makes me cry. I got that from my mom.

"I don't mean to. It's just... Why did you have to wait until I had a boyfriend to tell me? I seriously thought that I was just an amazing lay."

I smiled a little bit at the fact that he had called himself an amazing lay. No arguments here; it was just funny to hear him say it.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way." I said, hating myself as my voice cracked, "I just didn't even know what the fuck, you know?"

Jahan nodded and his crying calmed down a lot. I tried to help him wipe his tears away but he shied away from my touch like it burned him. "Sorry" he whispered, but I knew he just couldn't handle me touching him just then.

"So um... did you want to date me, too?" I asked, feeling like a child.

He laughed a little bit, "Maybe. Yes. I don't know. I just kind of have this weird connection feeling with you that I haven't gotten from anyone else. Still, all we really did was fuck a few times. I mean yeah, we talked some and were on tour together for months, but that doesn't mean we really know each other."

"Well that's what taking you on a date was going to be for, but no, you had to go and hook up with a hot blonde dude with muscles bigger than mine." I teased.

Jahan laughed again, "Shit happens, I guess." he started the car. We both felt a lot better somehow after that confession session. There was no question about Jahan cheating to be with me, or dumping his guy so that I could date him. As much as it killed me, I was going to respect the relationship because I could tell that Jahan liked the guy... whatever his name was. I didn't even wish ill on their relationship because the thought of Jahan getting hurt just made me angry. We pulled up at the hotel and I grabbed Jahan's phone from the drink holder.

"Look, here's my number. Not for anything bad, but... just let me know how you are every so often, okay?" God I sounded pathetic, but I really did want to know that he was ok (and maybe was hoping that he would call me when he was single again).

"Okay." he said, "I'll probably come to the show tomorrow, but I'm not sure. Work the next morning."

"Well it would be cool if you did. I bet Rico would be happy to see you too."

"Yeah." he looked up at the hotel room, "Well, see you later I guess."

"Yeah." I said. Neither of us moved. Okay, so it was Jahan's car, but you know what I mean. I caught his eyes flickering to my lips and then he looked away. I decided to be nice and let him off the hook and opened the door.

"Wait." he suddenly said. I stopped and I watched as he kissed his fingertips before pressing them onto my mouth. Awww.

I just smiled, "Bye Jahan." I closed the door and watched him drive away. When he was out of sight I touched my lips. I knew that was all I would get from him. I almost wished that he hadn't teased me like that. It brought back the memories of really kissing him. Finally I just sighed and walked over to the bus. First I would tell Rico everything and then I would shower and start new.

Rico almost seemed more upset than I had been at the news of Jahan's boyfriend. He asked me if I wanted him to cut the guy, but I declined the offer. Jahan didn't come to our show. I was kind of glad because if he had come with his boyfriend it would have sucked to watch them together and if he had come alone I won't lie, I would have tried to get with him. No, I would have succeeded at getting with him. At least that's what I told myself. Anyway, after that show it was on to the next city and after a day or two of pissing the drummer off with my moping I more or less got over it all. Every so often Jahan would text me random news, like "Some lady just came into the clinic with a mayo container stuck inside. Lol." After a few of those I had remembered that he was a medical assistant or something when he wasn't doing merchandise for bands. When he would send me those I'd always reply with something like, "That's crazy, but how are you?" and sometimes he'd be sick, sometimes he'd be happy, sometimes he would be pissed off at Paul. What kind of a name is Paul, anyway? In my personal opinion Paul seemed like a self-centered prick who always had to have things his way, but I never said that to Jahan, as much as I wanted to. If they broke up I didn't want it to be anything I said. No responsibility.

They were together about four months. Jahan and Paul had gotten into another fight about how Jahan dressed (I know, they're lame) and when Jahan stuck up for himself Paul was all like, "Fuck you if you won't change." Jahan had been sad and blah blah blah of course and I consoled him. Then around the first week of June I mentioned that I had some time off before recording the new album. I actually had a lot of time off, but I didn't want Jahan to think I was boring or something. Rico was going to visit his family in Miami for a month, so I asked Jahan if he would like to visit me. I could tell that he was trying to play it cool when he said yes.

Waiting for him to get the days off of work sucked. It was like mid-June by the time he came down. I must admit that I maybe got a speeding ticket on the way to the airport to pick him up. By then I was more or less comfortable with my patheticness when it came to Jahan. When I saw him walking out, eyes searching, I'm pretty sure the floor moved for a moment.

"Hey." he said.

"Hey. Let's go get your bags."

As we waited for his suitcase to come around the bend I watched Jahan from the corner of my eye. He looked tired. I wanted to hug him and hold him, but didn't want to freak him out, so I just kind of nudged him instead. He looked at me and smiled. Later, when we got to my house his tired eyes widened.

"Holy shit, dude."

"It's not that cool." I said, "I do have a roommate."

The house Rico and I live in is big, I'll admit it, but it's not like it's a mansion or anything. Then again Jahan's home was only about 80 square feet, which is about our living room, so I could understand why he was impressed. When we got inside he dropped his bag and gaped at the staircase. Again, nothing special to me, just maybe a little big.

"Please tell me you have a fancy bathtub." he said, ready to go upstairs to investigate.

"Pssh, Who takes baths anymore?" I teased, "Yeah there's one in the master bedroom, aka Rico's room." I said, already fantasizing about a naked Jahan covered in soap bubbles.

"Speaking of rooms, is there one for me to nap in?" he asked.

"Well, you've got two choices. You can sleep in the one next to mine, or you can share a bed with me."

Jahan bit his lip as he considered the options, then he looked at me and quietly asked, "Would you hate me if I took the one next to yours?"

I laughed at Jahan's sheer adorableness, "Nah, I understand. A guy has to try, though, right?"

He just nodded and started to drag his suitcase up the stairs, "Just tell me when I get to the room."

"Um, Jahan?"

He stopped, "Hmm?"

"My room is downstairs."

"Oh... I knew that."

Later on that evening we were sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Turns out that Jahan is a perfect cuddling specimen. His tiny frame fit perfectly against my body and his head came right up to the bottom of my chin. I rested my head on his and he sank deeper against me. My heart sped a little bit. I hadn't actually cuddled with someone since I was 15 and thought I knew what love was. I was scared because I liked it. When the movie was over and the room went a little bit darker as the credits rolled Jahan looked at me. I couldn't really see his face, but I knew his eyes were on me. He had twisted from his cuddling position to look at me, and the hand he was braced on was between my legs. The cushion had sunk in and moved my hips so that my crotch was totally just resting against Jahan's arm. He didn't make any motions to tell me that he had noticed this, to which I was slightly disappointed. I put one of my hands on his face and held it. He rested into it affectionately and I was about to make the move to kiss him when he stood up.

"I'm going to go to bed now. That plane ride beat me."

"Oh, okay." I said, "Is there anything special that you want to do tomorrow?"

"I'll think about it." he said and then left down the hall to the room next to mine. I watched TV for a while and then showered before bed. I usually don't shower then, but I really needed some Nathan time and this was the most subtle way to do it. As I was showering I let my mind go back to the hotel. That was almost a year ago. I remembered watching the soap bubbles sliding down Jahan's back, and I remembered how his skin tasted as I kissed it all over under the shower. He seemed more tan than back then now. He probably saw a lot more sun than he did on tour. I looked at my own skin. My mother was Colombian, and supposedly my dad was something too, but you wouldn't be able to tell. I was pale from years of playing shows at night and sleeping during the day. I had never been self conscious about it until now. When I got out of the shower I looked at myself in the mirror. Dark eyes looked back at me. People were always telling me that they loved how dark my eyes were. I never really liked them because my mom's eyes were green, meaning that I'd gotten them from my dad. I wondered who Jahan got his pretty hazel eyes from. I turned my attention to my hair. I was blessed with straight hair, which right now was flopped over, but later would be standing straight up. It was shaved on either side just then. It changed a lot. I did have it shaved on one side, but I kept getting compared to some DJ person I didn't want to be associated with. I'd settled on shorter hair up top too for the summer months. I liked it. As I wrapped a towel around me to go to my room a thought occured to me. Jahan was the only "outside" person who had seen me without my stage makeup and crazy hair. After that shower he had stared at me. Was that why? He must have still liked what he saw, because we had sex like four times after that. Thinking about doing that with no makeup or anything suddenly made me feel more naked. I quickly left the bathroom to put some clothes on for bed. I usually slept nude, but something about that just didn't feel right.

The next morning I heard Jahan in the kitchen. I looked at my clock. It was ten o' clock. There was still valuable sleep time to be had, but I kind of really wanted to see Jahan. I got up and checked myself before walking out to the kitchen. Jahan was attempting to reach up into a cupboard. He was fully dressed in a blue shirt and khaki shorts and when he heard me and turned around I saw that he was freshly showered too. I suddenly felt dumb in my shirt and gym shorts. Jahan smiled at me and my knees quivered.

"Hello. I hope I didn't wake you up."

I shook my head, "Nope. What are you making me?" I was joking, but then he told me that he was trying to make pancakes, but couldn't reach the damn mixing bowl. I laughed and walked over and grabbed the bowl from the cupboard. He blushed and said thanks. I wanted to tell him how adorable he was, but didn't want him to lose any dignity, so I didn't. I "helped" him make pancakes, which was really just me handing him whatever he needed. I didn't even know that we had flour and stuff at our house. It was fun to watch him. I could tell that he made pancakes frequently. They tasted awesome, too. I wondered what else Jahan could make. Probably lots of good stuff. After breakfast we were walking down the hall and did that thing where you're walking next to someone and you get stuck. We laughed and Jahan wiggled out of the way. When he leaned against the wall I came closer to him. I put my hands on either side of his head and leaned on them, just looking at him. He smelled like maple syrup. I bet he tasted like it too. He beat me to the punch and leaned forward, pecking me on the lips and leaning back on the wall, biting his lip nervously. I sucked my lip ring in, also a little bit nervous, and then leaned down to kiss him again. I made sure this was a slow kiss. Jahan kissed me back and I felt him hold me there with his hands, not that I had any intention of moving. Eventually I pulled away and Jahan looked kind of dazed, which I thought was cute.

"You should show me around today." He said, pushing me out of his way and walking down the hall. I followed him into the guest room where he sat on the bed and started putting on his shoes. He looked up at me when he was finished and I realized that I hadn't ever replied.

"Yeah okay, I could do that." Wow, I sounded stupid.

He smiled, "Cool."

I got ready quickly. I typically take plenty of time to make sure I look perfect, but where Jahan was ready already I didn't want to make him wait for me. I felt kind of incomplete for rushing, but Jahan told me that my hair looked nice soft instead of gelled, so I was okay with it. When we got into my car I had no ideas as to where to take him. I just kind of drove around and showed him where I used to go to school and where I used to live and random stuff like that. As we were driving down this one road he got all excited and told me to stop. I parked and he led me to this tiny little art gallery. I'd never noticed that place before. It just looked like a regular brick building with a bright orange door. We walked in and there was this old lady at a desk who smiled and greeted us, but looked at us kind of funny. Maybe she wasn't used to seeing guys like us at a place like that. Whatever, though. At least she was nice.

Jahan was looking at this one painting that was all dark pinks and then had a streak of gold through it. It was called "The Stairs." I tilted my head this way and that, but I never saw any stairs. Jahan was telling me how he liked the color combination and how the sharp edges of the dark pink paint contrasted with the curves of the gold streak. Personally I'm not an artsy kind of guy, but the way Jahan talked about it made it interesting. As we went through the gallery I just watched him talking. He was so damn smart, and for the first time in my life I found that incredibly sexy. At one point he looked at me and smiled and my chest got all fluttery. He looked away quickly and I wondered if I had embarassed him. We went to a basement part of the gallery that held some of the older pieces that people didn't really want to look at anymore. The basement was cold and the paintings were hung on this fence type thing that was covering the cement walls. There were tables with pottery and glass sculptures and I watched as Jahan delicately picked up a glass horse.

"I'd love to watch them make these." he said, more thinking out loud than anything. I spotted a sign on the table that said "Do Not Touch" but I figured nobody was watching anyway, so I didn't tell him. We got to this little area under the stairs and I kind of laughed because that was where they apparently hid the nude paintings. Jahan leaned against a vacant part of the wall and beckoned me over with his finger. I came closer to him and he grabbed my shirt and kissed me. It wasn't a hard kiss, but I felt a lot of passion behind it. We ended up just kind of making out next to these nude paintings under the stairs and I felt a little bit like when I was younger and my first boyfriend and I would hide behind the bleachers during assemblies. Eventually we parted and he started walking again like nothing significant had happened. We left the gallery and started walking down the sidewalk.

"Dude, if I ever strike it rich I will buy so much art." Jahan said, smiling back at me. He stopped to let me catch up (I hadn't realized that I was walking slower than him until he did that) and he did a weird thing with his hand. He held it out for a second and then shoved it into his pocket and took out his lip balm. I watched him put it on. I knew what it tasted like and didn't mind the idea of tasting it again.

"You're really quiet. Did I put you to sleep dragging you through that place?" he asked.

"No." I smiled, "Just thinking a lot I guess."

"About what?"

I shrugged. I didn't want to say something cheesy like, 'Thinking about you'.

"Do you know if there's a good place for food on this street?" He asked.

"I know a good one about a block over." I said.

"Good. Let's walk there." He grabbed my arm and started walking. I walked a little bit faster so that I could be ahead of him and actually lead. I took him to this restaurant that I went on a date to once. I honestly didn't really hang out in my town much, so I was just making things up as I went.

"So, what kind of music are you into?" He asked me with a sly smile before taking a bite of his food.

I laughed, "So, is that your way of telling me that this is our first date?" He nodded, so I answered the question, "I'm into a lot of different types of music. I'm actually in a band right now."

"Oh yeah? Have I heard of them?"

"Probably. We're getting pretty popular."

We continued playing along to this first date scenario all throughout dinner. I actually did find out some cool things about Jahan. I learned that his parents were from Iran, but had come over to the states when he was 8. I learned that they had died in a car accident when Jahan was 19. Jahan means 'world' in Farsi. He mentioned that he used to sing in a high school rock band. When he told me that I made a mental note to have him sing for me later. I wasn't the kind of guy to demand that he do it right there in the restaurant. Later, on the way back to my car Jahan grabbed my hand very softly. It took me a moment to respond. I'd never really been a "let's hold hands" kind of person, but somehow it was just so sweet the way he did it that I had to hold his back.

It was dark when we got back home and when we got inside the house I left the lights off and grabbed Jahan and kissed him. He kissed me back, but when I moved to his neck he kind of froze and said, "Nate?"

"Yeah?"

"I know this is going to seem weird, but, can we... um... not do anything tonight?"

I stopped and looked at him. Even in the half darkness I could see that he was nervous, so I said okay. Of course in my head I was really pissed off because I was really looking forward to being with him again.

"Are you mad?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No. Just... you know, I'm a guy."

He laughed, "Oh trust me, I want to. I just kind of want to keep this day in my mind how it is."

I didn't totally understand, so I just smiled and nodded, "Let's watch a movie." if I couldn't have sex with him, I was at least going to feel him up on the couch. We started a movie and I was just kind of laying behind Jahan and holding him when I felt scared. I was butt-crazy in love already. Something about watching him all day had made me realize it. I started to feel panicky, but just as I would feel that I would get this weird calm feeling about the situation too, Like, this is how everything was supposed to happen. Then that made me feel panicked, but then holding him made me feel better. I was a fucking mess and Jahan had no idea as he watched cars exploding on a freeway on the screen. He did seem to sense something, though, because he moved and pressed closer into me, then he laid on his back and looked at me.

"Thinking a lot still?" he asked.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Is this freaking you out?"

"A little."

"Me too, but at the same time I'm just kind of like, 'Fuck it, let's do this.' you know?"

"Yeah." I wasn't sure how to react, but I was glad that Jahan was feeling the same way more or less.

"Come here." he beckoned me with his finger again and then tapped his lips. I took the invitation and kissed him. He put his hands on my face and looked at me for a moment before kissing me softly, then again with more passion and so on until we were full-on making out. I could feel that he was hard, so I decided to try and take advantage. I started kissing at his neck and I felt his fingers tangle in my hair. Encouraged, I started kissing down further. I pulled the neck of his shirt down to lick at his collar bone and he gasped quietly. I returned to his mouth for a while and then moved all the way down to his waist. I lifted up his shirt just enough to kiss his stomach and then I moved down to kiss his knees and down his legs to his ankles. I made a mental note when the kisses on his ankles made him gasp a little louder. I moved back up and we made out a little more. Jahan's hands had started pulling at my clothes, but not trying to take them off. I kissed at the base of his throat again and I finally got a sigh out of him. I sat up to look at him. His eyes were dark and I noticed that on his khakis there was a little wet patch where I knew the head of his bulge was. Shit, that was hot knowing I was making him precum in his pants.

"You sure you don't want to do anything tonight?" I asked, not sure why I whispered it.

Jahan bit his lip and his body kind of waved underneath me, "I told you I want to. Oh fuck, I want to." he said breathlessly, "I just..."

"You want to be sure that I'll call you the next day?" I said, finishing his sentence.

He blushed an adorable red, "Is that dumb?"

"No, it's cute." I said, putting my hands up his shirt, "Just like you."

Jahan paused for a moment as though making a decision, biting his lip in that way he did that drove me crazy. He suddenly grabbed me close and said, "Just a little." and kissed me. I felt him trying to get my shirt off, so I sat up and helped him out and then got his shirt off as well. He had a new tattoo on his side. I couldn't tell what it was from the front, but I knew it was something awesome. I started to undo his belt but he stopped me.

"Just a little." he said again, but this time he sounded breathless. I knew that if I pushed him he would let me do whatever I wanted, but I don't know, I respected him or something. I ran my hands down his stomach, which looked fitter than last time. I wasn't all that surprised, though, because tour diets were terrible and he seemed like the kind of guy who ate well outside of the tour.

"What's this?" I asked, running my hand down the tattoo on his side. He turned a little so that I could see it better.

"It's my nephew's name in Farsi with his birth flowers around it. Sometimes I feel like it looks too girly."

I ran my hand over it again because I could tell Jahan liked it when I did that, "Nah. It looks cool. I like the colors in it."

"Thanks," he said and was quiet as I continued running my hands up and down his sides, "Your hands are warm." he said after a moment.

"Better than being cold like yours." I replied. Seriously, when he had held my hand earlier I was surprised his weren't purple they were so cold.

"Cold hands, warm heart." he said, stretching out and relaxing underneath me.

"What does that say about me, then?" I asked.

"You're a terrible person." he said with a teasing smile that I really liked, "Nah, it just means you're relaxed. I have cold hands because I'm nervous all the time."

I picked up one of his hands. It was cold, "Why do I make you nervous?" I asked. He had told me so once.

He bit his lip, "That's my secret to keep." he said, smiling coyly.

"Fine, be that way." I said and had to bend down and kiss that little smirk of his right off his face. He hesitated to kiss back, but when he did it was full of passion. He put his arms around me and ran his hands along my back. It gave me goosebumps because of his cold hands. Things heated up pretty quickly and we were grinding against each other on the couch like two teenagers or something. I kissed down his neck and he moaned loudly. It then occured to me that since this was the first time we were totally alone, we didn't have to worry about how loud we were being. I pushed against him harder, wondering why this was allowed, but no sex. Every so often I would catch Jahan reaching for my belt, then he'd pull his hand away. I grabbed his hands and put them above his head, kissing him hard. I felt him push his hips up and grind against me and he gave a frustrated gasp. I was about to ask him if we could go all the way when my damn phone rang.

"Who the fuck calls at one in the morning?" Jahan growled, which made me laugh. I grabbed my phone from the table and looked at it. I didn't recognize the number, so I ignored it. I started kissing Jahan again, but then my damn phone made a text message noise. I picked it up and it was from the same number. 'Hey babe, what's up ;)' Fuck. Someone I had been drunk enough to give my number to. I deleted the text and put my phone on silent, but when I turned back to Jahan he was putting his shirt on.

"It's just as well I guess." he said, "I was going too far anyway."

"No no no, everything was going just fine." I said and he laughed.

"I'm pretty tired anyway. I'll see you in the morning." he kissed my forehead and went down the hallway. I didn't understand why Jahan thought we couldn't fuck now that we knew we actually liked each other. He was being all serious about it and it was kind of bugging me. I mean, I didn't want to dive into a relationship either, but we'd already fucked... a few times even... so what was the big deal about it? I watched some more tv and then went to bed myself.

I was laying awake, staring at the ceiling and still going over Jahan's weirdness in my head. I felt him come into my room before I saw him. In the shadows I watched him looking at me, deciding if I was asleep or not. He was wearing an oversized t-shirt that made him look a little like a child. I put my hand up in an awkward wave and he silently crawled into my bed and sat on top of me, just above my naked lap. He bent down and kissed me slowly, moving to kind of lay on top of me as he did. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him closer and he moaned. I moved my hands down to cup his ass and I realized that he wasn't wearing any boxers under his t-shirt. The thought of that made me moan and pull Jahan closer to me. He sat up and pulled his shirt off before bending down and kissing me again. It was a hot, open mouth kiss and I thought he might suck my tongue right out of my head. Oh God, I wanted him, so I had to make sure that this was going somewhere.

"Do you want me, Jahan?" I asked between kisses, pulling his hips down.

"Yeah." he said breathlessly.

"Yeah?"

"Fuck." Jahan said as his body started to take over his brain. I loved it when he got like this.

"Hmm?" I teased.

"Fuck me."

Oh shit, I loved the way he said that. I bit his collarbone, "How do you want me to fuck you?" I asked.

"Hard." he groaned, grinding against my stomach.

Regretfully I sat up and he stopped moving for a moment. I turned on my lamp, really hoping that I had a condom somewhere, because I knew it would be a no-go if I couldn't find one. Jahan moved off of my lap and I got up to search all of my drawers. Nothing. I raced upstairs to Rico's room, praying that he had one somewhere. I searched in all of the typical places and found nothing. I was frantically searching the upstairs bathroom when I heard Jahan call my name. I ran out of the bathroom to the balcony and looked down into the darkness. In the half-light coming in the windows I saw Jahan was wearing his oversized shirt again and panicked that he had changed his mind until he said, "I've got one."

I ran down the stairs so fast I'm surprised I didn't fall and break my neck. I picked him up and ran with him over my shoulder back to my room, where I threw him on the bed. Jahan laughed and pulled me down into a kiss. As we kissed he turned us over so that he was on top again. He took his shirt off again and then I heard him opening the condom wrapper felt him putting it on me. He had definitely done this before. He leaned forward and kissed me as he slid onto my cock. Oh my God, I was so happy that this was happening. I watched Jahan's face as he slowly sank onto me. So fucking hot. When I was all the way in he made this satisfied little moan that made me just want to get to the part where he was constantly making noises like that. He kissed me again and started to move. The sound he made told me that he had waited a long time for this too. He stopped kissing me to concentrate on moving up and down. He threw his head back and his body shuddered as I heard him mumble something like, "Fuck yes..." He started bouncing faster and I just watched him sliding up and down my dick like a pro. I held onto his hips and started pushing mine up, which made his moans even louder. I felt his nails digging into my shoulders and he groaned, "Nathan." in a way that somehow told me exactly what to do.

I pushed forward as he laid back so that I was on top of him and started thrusting hard before his head hit the sheets. He spread out underneath me and I kind of melted against him. I wanted him touching as much of my body as possible. He ran his fingers through my hair and whispered, "Harder Nathan." I loved the way my name sounded coming from his lips. In a surge of sudden bravery I said his name. I'd never used someone's name during sex before. Jahan pulled me closer, which told me he liked it. I licked up his neck and then whispered his name in his ear. He grabbed my ass and told me to go faster.

I went as hard and as fast as I could, jackhammering in and out of his beautiful body. I watched his face as he completely surrendered to the pleasure. His hands left my ass to grab at the sheets on either side of his head. God, he felt so good around me. I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. I braced myself on my hands and just pushed like a mindless machine, only my mind was full of stimulation from watching Jahan. Finally he grabbed onto my arms and I felt him shudder around me as he came. The first shot went over his shoulder and hit me in the arm, and the next ones spread across his chest. Watching that sent me over the edge and I thrust into him hard one last time, spilling into the condom. I carefully pulled out and chucked the condom into the garbage over by my desk.

"Wow." Jahan said, staring at the ceiling. He looked over at me. He was biting his lip, telling me that he was nervous again. I moved closer to him and kissed him. I don't know, I was trying to reassure him or something. He moved closer to me, but he was all shy about it, so I put my arm around him and held him against me. He finally relaxed, resting his head just below mine, kind of in my neck. I'm not sure who fell asleep first.

The next morning I woke up alone, and it gave me this terrible empty feeling that scared me. I heard the television and got up to check it out. I only put on some boxers so Jahan wouldn't think I was going for him again so soon. Of course, I wasn't against the idea, but you know. I walked in and saw Jahan watching some weird black and white movie. It had a woman's "severed" head saying, "Let me die, let me die."

"So you're one of those guys, huh?" I said, walking into the living room.

He turned to me, "Hmm?"

I sat on the couch and put his legs in my lap, "One of those people who watches old movies and thinks they're cool."

Jahan laughed, "Bitch. Actually, it just sounded weird and I'm in a weird mood."

"Because of last night?"

"No. Last night was amazing."

I sighed in relief and he laughed, so I looked at him, "Well, you make me nervous about that stuff." As soon as I said the word 'nervous' I realized what Jahan meant when he said that I always made him nervous. Aww, he liked me, he really liked me. He was now crawling into my lap and kissing me.

"I'm sorry I make you nervous." he said quietly, then continued to kiss me. I put my arms around his body, underneath his shirt. His breathing changed and he started to kiss down my neck. I moaned and pushed his shirt up. He took it off the rest of the way and after he threw it to the floor he stopped and looked at me. He ran his fingers over my chest, tracing my tattoos. He seemed unhappy about something.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He looked at me with honey brown eyes, "Nothing. It's just kind of frustrating that I can't see your skin, even when you're naked. I feel like you're keeping something from me."

I'd never really thought about that with my tattoos. They covered all of my chest, neck, and arms. I could argue that Jahan had tattoos, too, but I could still see most of his skin. I decided to use this dilemma of sorts to flirt with Jahan. I kissed him and said, "Well, you'll just have to find the spots that aren't tattooed."

He blushed in this cute way, and to cover it up he kissed me hard. I kissed him back and pushed his boxers down. He stood up to kick them off and then sat back in my lap. I loved having a naked guy in my lap. I wasn't in the mood to find a condom, though, so I decided to do other things with him. I laid him down on the couch and then laid on top of him. He shivered as my boxer covered crotch settled between his hips. I started kissing him again, getting him all hot and bothered, moaning so fucking hot. I moved my hand down and started stroking him. He gasped and I could tell that he was really turned on. Then the doorbell rang and I just about wanted to strangle whoever it was at the door. It turned out to be some very unfortunate missionaries. One of them was cute, which kept me from being too much of a dick to them. When I closed the door again Jahan was putting on his clothes.

"Nooo. stay naked." I whined.

Jahan looked at me and smiled, "Later."

"You're killing me, Jahan."

A few days later we were hanging out in the pool at my house. Who knew that Jahan was such a water baby? I usually don't really go into the water, but Jahan was immediately in the pool, swimming around. I watched him for a while. It was one of the few times that he didn't look nervous. Of course, he was getting less and less nervous every day that he was around me. We flirted all the time and were making progress on having sex in every room of my house. So far we had done it in almost every room on the ground level. I liked the idea of letting the pool have the same privelage, but condoms in water didn't sound very fun. I'd started wondering if maybe Jahan had something, and that's why he was so strict about it, but I didn't know a nice way to ask him. Later that day we were in the kitchen and he was watching me pour some drinks. We were still in our swim trunks, but were pretty much dry at this point. When I put the juice container down I felt Jahan come up behind me.

"We haven't had sex in the kitchen yet." he said, touching my naked back in a way that made goosebumps jump onto my skin. He then moved to sit on the counter and watched me put the juice in the fridge. I handed him a glass and took a sip of mine.

"Floor? Table? Counter?" I asked, already moving between his knees.

"Yes." he pulled me close and kissed me. We got hot and heavy real fast and I suddenly realized that I had left the condoms in the laundry room. Yeah, we did it on the washing machine... and the dryer. Anyway, I really didn't want to have to go get them and ruin this hot moment.

"Jahan?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"Um... the condoms are in the laundry room."

He stopped and looked at me. I knew he could tell what I wanted to ask.

"Oh?"

"Yeah..." there was an awkward silence where he looked at me expectantly. I ran my fingers through his hair and then cupped his face, "Jahan?"

"Nathan?"

"Do you, um- Do you have something you're not telling me about?"

He blushed and bit his lip and I prepared myself for the worst, "Not last I checked, which was about a month ago."

Damn. That meant that he thought I might have something. I was a little bit stung, but it was a legitimate concern.

"Do you think you have anything?" he asked.

"Would you believe me if I said I'd tested negative recently?"

Jahan blushed again, "I'd like to, but I'd have to see proof."

Again I was stung, but understood. I kissed his cheek and told him that I'd be right back. I frantically searched my desk, hoping that I had kept the damn paper. Yeah, I had been tested recently, thank God. I'd never been concerned about it until I had a case of very suspicious itchy scratchies. That close call had scared the shit out of me. I still didn't use protection as much as I should, though. Lucky for me I hadn't slept with anyone since my last test. I brought the paper back to the kitchen, really hoping that all of this meant what I thought it should. I handed it to Jahan, who looked mildly surprised at how prepared I was. He silently hopped off of the counter and read it. Then he placed the paper on the counter, looked at me, and dropped his swim trunks. I nearly danced, I was so damn happy. Instead I pulled down my swim trunks and pulled Jahan in for a kiss.

My whole body was buzzing with energy as I laid Jahan on the kitchen table. He looked at me and spread his knees. He didn't look nervous at all as I put the tip of my cock at his entrance, but I did hear him take a deep breath. I started to push in slowly. I wanted to feel every bit as it sank into Jahan's warm body. Oh my holy shit. It felt even more amazing. Jahan was still so tight and warm, but now I could feel so much more. I stayed still for a moment once I was completely in. I looked down at Jahan and my brain went back to that first time in the tour bus. He looked at me and his hips twitched on reflex. That tiny movement sent enough pleasure to my brain to get me to start pulling out. I wanted this to last a while, but I knew that it wouldn't. Still, I started to move in and out at a steady pace. Oh fuck, Jahan was making the hottest noises. His hands were holding my hips and he was whimpering like he was trying to control himself. Nope, that was definitely not allowed. I pushed in hard and he groaned. I pushed in hard again and he got louder. Damn, this was going to be a fast one. I held his hips and went faster.

"Ah Nathan!"

Yes. Fuck yes. I kept up the pace and he panted my name. I loved it. Then he told me to stop for a moment and I was worried as he got off of the table. Then he turned around and bent over the kitchen table. I was inside of him so fast that he groaned a little in pain. I made sure that he was ok and then struck up a new rhythm. Jahan was pretty loud, which I liked because I couldn't see his face. He turned his head just enough for me to kiss him and I when I did my body decided it was time for orgasm. Jahan moaned and I saw his cum start to cover the kitchen table. His body went slack and he almost laid in it, but was able to prop himself up. I slid out and then turned him around so that he could lean on me.

"I-. Nevermind." he mumbled.

"No. Tell me."

"Nope. I was about to say something that I'm not ready to say. Caught up in the moment."

"Ok." I kissed his forehead, "I'm suddenly exhausted."

"Me too." he said. He really did look tired. I made to walk away, but he kept leaning on me, so I picked him up and took him down to my room. We napped for about half an hour. I woke up first. The sun was setting and the way it was coming into the window through the shutters was really pretty. I looked at Jahan. I imagined waking up this way every day. I wanted it, but at the same time I wasn't sure. I mean, I'm young. I still have years of fucking shit up to do. I couldn't settle down. Then again, the idea of being with anybody else wasn't very appealing, either. Blah, whatever. It didn't matter. Jahan was going home soon anyway.

"Hey." he said, blinking his eyes open. Then he shot straight up, "What time is it?"

"Like seven something."

He kissed me and then got up. I knew what he was doing. He always called his nephew around this time of night. I thought it was cute, but at the same time I hated sharing Jahan's attention with anyone. A while later he came back and sat next to me on the bed.

"Let's go get some dinner." I said. I liked to show him off in public lately. It was a little sad when girls who knew me from the band saw me. It was like I broke their hearts being with Jahan. Some kissed ass and told us how cute we were and that they were happy I had found someone. It was kind of funny how they just assumed so much. Jahan didn't seem to mind the attention. The only time he got flustered was at a pizza place. These girls kept telling us to kiss so that they could take pictures and record it. I told the girls to leave him alone and they ended up just snapping pics of us trying to eat. Anyway, we went and got food and then hung out in my room. He read a bunch of my old lyric books and laughed at my old yearbook photos. We talked about random shit. I think we both fell asleep smiling that night. It sounds cheesy, but I don't know... it was a nice night.

Rico came home the next day. I had missed him, even if I was preoccupied with Jahan. Rico was all over Jahan. He sort of interrogated the poor guy. Jahan held his own, though, and Rico gave me the secret sign of his approval. That night we had a bunch of people over and had a party. Jahan was tossing back shots like a pro and wasn't acting drunk at all. All of my friends talked to him and wanted to know all kinds of stuff about him. As far as I could tell they were accepting him, and that made me happy. Toward the end of the night Jahan was giving me "that look" so we snuck away into my room and locked the door. I wasn't surprised that nobody was already using my room. All of my friends know to respect my stuff. The guest room on the other hand was probably well used by now. It didn't really matter, as Jahan had spent the night in my room for the past few nights.

I laid down on the bed and Jahan sat on top of me before starting to kiss me. His movements told me that he was a little tipsy, but nothing too bad. It was actually kind of cute seeing him all giggly. It didn't take long for us to get naked and then Jahan was sliding onto my lubed up cock and I was in heaven. He slowly moved up and down and his face was just too sexy. After a while I could tell that he was getting tired, so we turned so that I was on top. I kept things slow. Not just to feel everything, but also because I didn't want anyone else to hear. I didn't care if they knew we were having sex, but I didn't want anyone else to know what Jahan sounded like. Jahan's body was shaking from the slow pace and the pleasure. He whispered my name so quietly that I almost didn't hear it. I watched his face as he watched our bodies collide, then he looked at me and we held the stare as I continued slowly moving in and out of his body. I went a little bit faster, just enough to change the sensation, and Jahan's breathing changed, but he kept staring into my eyes. I grabbed his cock and started stroking it. I could tell that Jahan wanted to throw his head back in pleasure, but instead he just put his arms around my neck and kissed me before continuing to look into my eyes. The stare was almost unnerving now, but I couldn't stop. I started to move a little bit faster and Jahan whimpered. We kissed some more and then continued to look into each other's eyes as I stroked him and fucked him. It was so fucking weird, but at the same time I loved it. His eyes were dark with pleasure, but it was like he was looking for something in mine. Finally I felt his nails dig into my shoulder and he closed his eyes as his body waved underneath me. He moaned and his head fell back on the pillow. Yes, I won. I kept going. I needed to see that face. That perfect fucking face he made when he went over the edge. His nails were digging into my shoulder hard, his thighs were shaking, and he was whimpering. He suddenly opened his eyes and pulled me close for a kiss and as we kissed I felt him clench all around me. He held me tight as he rode it out, panting into my neck. He laid down and I decided to give him a break, so I pulled out and jacked myself to the end. I spilled all over his chest, mixing our cum together, then I collapsed on top of him.

I figured that I was squishing him, but I was just too exhausted to move. He wiggled around until I guess he was comfortable and then he held me. He pet my hair and ran his hand up and down my back. I loved him just then. I didn't say it, though. It was way too soon. Instead I just rested on top of him, enjoying his affection. I wanted to stay like that forever. Then, as if on cue, someone knocked on my door.

"Come on, Nathan! Play some video games with us!"

I didn't recognise the voice. Sounded like some random drunk girl. Then I heard someone making a smacking noise and some guy's voice told me to skeet it up. I just ignored them and laid back next to Jahan, pulling him close. I glanced at my clock. We had been going at it for about an hour. I could tell that my legs were going to be sore the next day, so I could only imagine how Jahan's body felt. I ran my hand down his side and he smiled and looked at me.

"I need water, but I don't want to move." he said. His voice was all gravelly from tired and panting for an hour. It was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.

"I'll get you some." I said and made to get up, but he grabbed my arm.

"No. Stay here. I'll be okay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

He pulled me back down to the bed and threw one of his legs over mine. He started to kiss me and I smiled. Round two had begun. As the night went on, I don't know how many times we went at it. I don't know if it was because he was leaving soon, or what, but it was like we couldn't get enough of each other. We continued ignoring the world outside my door, and I think we were awake long after the house went quiet. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard someone unlocking my door the next day. Rico entered and waved at me with the screw driver he had used to jimmy the lock.

"Hey," he whispered, "It's two in the afternoon, so I thought I'd make sure you two hadn't gone through with a suicide pact or something."

"Is it really two?" I asked, sitting up to talk to my friend. Jahan stayed still. Must have been exhausted.

Rico nodded and then looked at the sleeping Jahan, "Is he alive?"

I put my fingers to the pulse at his throat, "Yep."

"Damn, what'd you do to him last night?"

I raised my eyebrow in a way that said, "You know exactly what I did."

"You really like each other, I can tell."

I nodded, "Yeah. We do."

"So, are you guys like boyfriends now?"

I shrugged. We'd never really discussed it, but I said, "Sure."

"What about when he goes home?"

I didn't even want to think about that, "I don't know."

"Well, you should probably figure that out."

Jahan suddenly moved, pulling the sheets over his head in a way that said, "Shut the fuck up, I'm sleeping."

Rico stood up, "Well, I'll leave you guys alone. I just had to check on you. You know, because I care and shit."

"Aww, you're the bestest big brother from another mother."

After he left I realized that I had to pee. I really didn't want to leave my bed or Jahan, but I knew it couldn't wait. I brought Jahan a glass of water when I came back. He opened his eyes when he heard me set the glass down. He moved to lay on his back and rubbed his eyes. He kept his hands on his eyes as he asked me what time it was. I told him and he cursed. I'd never heard him swear outside of sex, and it made me laugh.

"Blahhh, I don't want to get up." he said.

"You don't have to." I told him, "You can stay here all day."

He laughed, "But I'm not that kind of person."

"Then come shower with me." I pulled him up and he followed me down the hall to the bathroom. He perked up during the shower, but still had his sexy tired voice for most of the day. Everyone else in the house was suffering from hangovers, so it was a nice quiet evening. Jahan made us all dinner that night, so even the people who didn't want to like him ended up giving me their approval. I didn't care either way, but it was nice to know that they liked him too.

The day that Jahan had to leave came way too soon. I walked into the guest room as he was packing.

"Noo, stay here with me."

He turned around and smiled, kissing me, "I wish I could, but I have to keep my job."

"So what happens now?"

Jahan sighed and sat on the bed, "Well, I'm realistic. I don't expect you to stop sleeping with people while I'm gone."

The way he'd said it was like something tasted bad in his mouth. He was giving me permission to sleep around, even though he clearly didn't want me to. I considered it. I mean, I wouldn't have to change anything. Then again, I didn't feel right about it. Even with permission I had no desire to. It felt like cheating even though we had never said we were officially together. Grr, fuck complicated relationships.

"Fuck that."

Jahan smiled, "You say that now, but I just don't want you to feel bad if something happens."

"I'm mildly insulted." I really was. God, I wasn't that big of a slut.

Jahan looked away, "Sorry, I just mean-."

"I know what you mean." I sat next to him and made him look at me, "I just... I don't want to."

"Okay."

I could tell he didn't believe me, but really really wanted to. I kissed him and he looked away.

"When will you have some free time?" he asked me.

I shrugged, "I can give you a call when we finish recording."

He looked at me with greenish gold eyes, "I'd like that."

"Of course I'm going to call you other times too."

He smiled again, "Good."

I pulled him into a hug and kissed his forehead, "You're so cute." I told him. I really wanted to drop the 'L' bomb, but didn't. He cuddled close to me and traced his finger on my arm. He wrote something, but I couldn't tell what it was. I kind of liked keeping it a secret, so I didn't ask. Later on I took him to the airport and when I got home I found myself sitting on the couch, staring at the blank TV.

"Please don't tell me that you're going to get all weird again." Rico said, sitting next to me.

I looked at him and smiled, "Nope. Just thinking for a second."

"So when are you guys going to see each other again?"

"Probably when we're done recording. I want to check out his place."

"I wanna come."

"Only if you promise to let me have plenty of Jahan time."

Rico nodded, "Of course."

He turned on the tv and we watched for a while, then Rico turned to me, "So, do you love him?"

I sucked in my lip ring, "Why?"

"Oh my God, you totally do!"

"Shut up." No sense in denying it at this point.

"Nah, it's cool. Just weird."

"Why?"

Rico shrugged, "You're just not the kind of guy who falls in love I guess." He really meant that I'm not a guy who admits it.

"Well, Jahan is awesome, so he's an exception."

"Well, I like him, so I'm totally fine with that."

I grabbed the remote from him and changed the channel. The same weird black and white movie Jahan had been watching was on. I usually didn't watch black and white movies, but it helped me remember what we had done on the couch while said movie played. I was surprised that Rico didn't say anything. I think he was too busy telling me what a weird movie it was.