Alone

 

“Have you ever been alone I mean truly alone, where you look back and everything rewinds and pauses but yet you still can’t see anyone, I have”

It all started one cloudy morning, my head filled with disappointments and may have’s, what would life have been like if I was anyone else, would this still have happened, would I still have been one of few, searching through a lost land for anyone of many who had been. The last thing I remember is going to bed in my home with my family the roads loud with traffic and the house buzzing away with all its modern technology, I turned and kissed my daughter good night then off I flouted to the land of dreams, yet when I awake in my bad, everyone had gone, I immediately thought my good they left, or they had been taken, frantically I searched the house but to no prevail, I picked up the phone to ring for help but the line was dead my mobile had no signal I ran outside into the morning light screaming for someone to help me, when I realised, there was no one else there.

Still in my pyjamas I walked down the street banging on doors and calling out, but there were no answers, I ran to the shop the shutters where up the doors where open but no one was inside, where could everyone had gone? My heart started racing as I fell to the cold floor, so many times I had wished to disappear so many times I had sat at home and thought how much better everyone would be without me, now well now all that felt so painful, I screamed as loud as I could “this is not what I asked for this is not what I meant, take me yes, but not everyone else”.

I sat there for what felt like hours hoping and praying someone would walk in or I would simply just wake up that this would all have been just a dream, but the longer I waited the more I realised this was no dream. I stood up and dusted myself down realising I was still in my pyjamas I raced back home and quickly got dressed, my head still spinning, there must still be someone there must be. I left the house locking the door behind me, although at this point that seemed pretty pointless, I ran down the street to my parents’ house, quickly unlocking there door with the spare key and running in, expecting there booming voices to ask who it was or to greet me in there usual warm manner, but the house was empty.

My head felt like it was bubbled like all this was a dream as I walked into the kitchen and clicked on the kettle, setting three cups down on the side, I didn’t understand, the cars were parked as usual everything looked so normal, clothes laid out on the chairs for the morning as if they were still sleeping, oh if only they were still in bed if only I could see them sleeping. I poured out 3 cups of coffee and took mine to the table sitting down on the chair. What could I do now?

Suddenly I heard a whisper but as I turned around there was no one there, a smirked more out of nervous than anything else, I’m alone in the world and still my head plays tricks on me, a cold breeze blowing past my face as if from nowhere as I turned around to face the front door my stomach was churning, I never did like been alone, I always felt alone but never liked it, I sat my cup on the table and stood from the chair reaching into my bag for a piece of paper and a pen, to leave a note, I know it seems pointless but I had to leave a note just incise they came back, I left the house locking the door behind me before turning and looking around the street, everything so normal the sun in the sky the clouds breezing along, the day is still here the sun has still raisin, but yet, it’s not normal it’s not the same.

I felt so lost after days of wondering around now miles away from home in empty countryside, I did not know where I was going I guess I must have thought that if I kept walking I would find someone, when it suddenly dawned on me, I had not slept, nor had I eaten, but I did not feel hungry or tired, a cold breeze rushed past my cheek once more as I quickly turned around there stood a woman, almost crone like to describe in a long raggy dress with a tale staff like walking stick, I could almost not believe my eyes as I stuttered out my words “who are you?” not the most original of questions but it seemed appropriate.

She leant forward and stroked her cold hand over my cheek, and whispered soft words to me “it never is what people imagine, but it is always what they think”.

 I looked at her confused I didn’t understand her words and shaking nervously I spoke back “what isn’t? What people?  I don’t understand, how could I have thought any of this”

She smiled so sweetly putting my mind at easy as she sat down beside me and took my hand, she was so cold it was the first thing I noticed and they thing I will always remember, she turned to me and leaned closer whispering “we spend our lives regretting things, wondering what is to come, and wishing that we could change would has been. You my dear spent your life wishing you could disappear, and so you did, you wished that you did not have to be around people who did not care about you, and so you are not, you made this place, exactly the way it is”

Tears started to flow freely down my cheeks as I laid my head on her hands, I uttered the only words I could think “I understand”

She smiled sweetly and lifted my head up, “life is what we make it with our wishes and our wants, always remember that” she stood from the cold grassy floor keeping my hand in hers as she pulled me to my feet, the wind had stooped and the world appeared to have stood still, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, as I opened them the lady had vanished, everything had vanished and I was left in what seemed to be a small white room, with no doors and no windows, I walked up to the wall in front of me and placed my hand against, my heart racing as on the wall a window appeared, and through the window I could see my family, and my daughter, all still there all still getting on with their lives, a sort of sadness in their eyes as they looked around, I could feel they were thinking of me, but could not reach them to touch them.

I had died, I had wished my whole life to die, and now, alone in this room as I watch my family live, I wish only one they, that I could live again.