Growing Up Lynch
Our Happy Growing Family AKA Children Are the Devil
Our Happy Growing Family AKA Children Are the Devil
Hannibal isn't exactly sure how his life turned out the way it did or where it went wrong. [Arguably; right.] All he knows is that one moment everything was peachy keen and perfect. He was a single, handsome bachelor enjoying the good life, moderately wealthy with a good job and quickly rising high in the ranks of awesomedom – defined as the state of being awesome. Sure, his previously solitary lifestyle had been relatively boring and monotonous but at least it was bloody freaking quiet.
Somehow or another, in the span of just a few short years Hannibal Lynch managed to land himself a brand new eight bedroom/seven bath manor – complete with ball-busting, heart-attack inducing mortgage, a young wife – barely out of adolescence herself, a shitload of bills – just thinking about them made him want to gouge his eyes out, and a household of screaming, whining, crying, and sniveling hell-born demon children all age ten and under.
And the worst part? [Yes, there is a worse part.] The poor man has yet to reach his thirty-first birthday.
In what felt like a simple blink of an eye, Hannibal's dream of a peaceful, lone-wolf existence has dwindled into nothingness, been smashed to smithereens, and shat on by Fate as it laughed in his face.
It's almost enough to make a grown man cry.
Almost.
Despite how much he likes to bitch, moan, and gripe, Hannibal can't deny that there is a great deal of brightness at the end of the tunnel. There's almost enough good to outweigh the bad. All of his personal sacrifices and broken dreams were completely worth it in the end. [Okay, that might be stretching it a bit.] But life is looking up. He's certainly a hell of a lot happier now than he's ever been. He's married to a hot, sexy, spitfire of a woman who can whip up a mean stir-fried rice at the drop of a hat. Though his current mortgage, electrical and water bills, medical bills, food expenses, and tax fees are off the charts he's also been bringing in a lot of extra dough due his most recent successful business venture.
So in truth, other than the accumulating gray hair and premature wrinkles, he really doesn't have much to worry about.
Well, except maybe for the hell-spawn demon kids.
They are on a whole other level of torment.
Foremost is Hannibal's darling firstborn son Azrael Vladimir Lynch, whom Hannibal affectionately refers to as Satan's long lost little boy. [Only in the safety of his mind, of course. God forbid his wife Renee ever overhears these thoughts. She'd skin him alive and leave him for the worms.] A devilish ten year old boy with wickedly gleaming gold eyes, Azrael makes it his personal business to destroy just about everything he can get his hands on. Hannibal's overpriced cherry wood desk given to him by his mother? Thrown out a window. Hannibal's favorite couch to lounge on during a quiet evening? Slashed and torn apart with a razor blade. Hannibal's nearly $6,400 performance desktop computer with it's staggering 5GHz, 16GB of RAM, and just over 2.1 TB of storage? Beaten to death with a baseball bat.
Great kid, huh?
Hannibal can't exactly say for sure what the hell he did to piss the boy off so badly but he's got a pretty good hunch it may have to do with his and Ren's previously detrimental relationship. A few years ago the two could hardly stand existing in the other's presence without being at one another's throat. Allegations of infidelity were thrown on a daily basis, actual infidelity occurred, verbal insults and curses that would make even the most vulgar sailor cringe were launched, and – to Hannibal's ever growing regret – there was even a divorce though it didn't last much longer than a year. It was a brief – and frankly much need – reprieve in their relationship. As far as Hannibal and Renee are concerned, it's all a thing of the past better left forgotten.
Unfortunately, it seems as if Azrael has yet to forget.
Or forgive.
To be fair, it isn't only Hannibal's property that's on the boy's list of things to destroy. None of the siblings' possessions are safe either. Nor the kids at a school. [Curiously enough… none of Renee's belongings have ever been trashed.] People learn quickly that when Azrael decides to throw a tantrum and run rampant like a crazed meth-head hopped up on drugs, its best to just get the fuck out of the way and stay hidden. The only things that manages to calm him down are a Nestlé's Crunch bar or Renee's infamous 'Mother Said Shut the Fuck Up' glare.
Anyway, Azrael's consistent vandalizing eventually reached the point where Hannibal had to systematically bolt down every piece of furniture in the house, install tempered safety glass in every window, and keep all the sharp objects under lock and key.
All in order to protect his precious possessions from his vengeful son.
So sad. So very sad.
…
Moving on.
Including Azrael's manic behavior, Hannibal also has to deal with the boy's twin sister Delia. The duo's ages are only a few minutes apart and they're personalities are quite similar – selfish, rude, and arrogant. However; they couldn't possibly be any more hateful to each other if they tried. On her own, Delia isn't all that bad to deal with. [If you can ignore the constant attention seeking and demands for new toys and dresses.] But stick her in a room with Azrael and all hell breaks lose. You'd better have a gurney nearby because someone was going to end up in the hospital.
Just last month Delia cuffed Azrael in the back of the head hard enough to tear his skull open and – once again – the family had to make a mad-dash to a local hospital for some emergency stitches. That in itself was a huge ordeal seeing as Azrael is a total puss ass bitch when it comes to hospitals and doctors.
Poor kid nearly seized himself to death from utter panic and anxiety.
…
Anyway –
The next oldest child is actually Hannibal's favorite of them all. [Yeah, yeah, yeah. Parents aren't supposed to pick favorites. Whatever. They all do, they just don't admit it.] Young Gabriel Roderick Lynch just turned a big whopping six years old and he's more than happy to let everyone know it, even if it means showing his fingers in someone's face and yelling it at the top of his lungs. He's got the sunniest of smiles that dimple his cheeks and make his amethyst eyes shine brighter than the noonday sun. But as innocent and precious as he is, there's definitely something dark and nefarious lurking just beneath the surface waiting for an opportune moment to strike. Buried beneath those cute, charming smiles is a trickster in the making. More often than once, Hannibal has caught the little tyke scaling tall trees just so he can pelt his siblings with balloons, or stuffing whoopee cushions beneath peoples' seats, or even hiding underneath tables so he can tie someone's laces together just to see them trip as they try to walk away.
The kid likes the classics.
After Gabriel is Hannibal's youngest daughter, Rae, an easygoing baby girl eagerly awaiting the arrival of her fourth birthday. She's without doubt the least difficult child of them all. Quiet – for the most part, focused – which is incredibly amazing for a three and a half year old, and she actually has the ability to understand that when daddy says he needs to work in silence, daddy really means he needs to work in silence. [This seems to be a concept that none of his other bratty kids can understand.] Other than a few minor instances, Hannibal can safely say he's never had any problematic issues with the girl.
Now, Hannibal would love it if the list of kids ends there.
It doesn't.
Of course Renee is pregnant again. There's another bun in the oven due in several more months. And with Hannibal's current luck, it's sure to become another demon-child – possibly even one that's worse than Azrael and Delia. [Or maybe he'll luck out and have another mini-Rae. Not likely but one can always dream.]
Okay, that should be the end to the list of midget, mini-people in Hannibal's life. It really, really, really should.
Unfortunately… somehow… someway… through some form of conniving, Jedi-style, mind-fuck trickery, Hannibal got roped into taking care of his eight year old nephew Malik, the son of his older half-brother Kayden while the asshole and his wife toured the African plains. Why the couple would want to go there of all places is anyone's guess.
Maybe it's to get the hell away from their freaky, creepy, ridiculously weird son.
Looking remarkably similar to Gabriel, Malik spends his time skulking about the Lynch estate, silent and eerie as a ghost with his freakishly huge eyes wide and vacant. He hardly speaks. Rarely socializes. Certainly doesn't like Hannibal or most of the kids. Yet, he seems to have a strange fixation on Azrael's black and white cow-like hair. The red-haired boy follows the other around like a lost puppy, hot on his heels and quick to follow through with anything Azrael commands. And like a sadistic puppeteer, Azrael gleefully controls his strings, eagerly talking him into all manner of mischief.
Along with the inclusion of Malik, several weeks ago Azrael, Gabriel, and Rae latched on to a local boy by the name of Seth Reynolds. A mousy, scruffy looking child no older than five, Seth was dragged from school and into the Lynch home – probably against his will – by Gabriel.
He's been there ever since. [Well, he goes back home, of course. It's just, nowadays it seems like he spends more time with them than with his own family.]
Shy and vaguely standoffish, Seth typically keeps to himself when in the presence of anyone other than Gabriel, Azrael, or Rae. However; surrounded by the three he's like a whole different person; lively, outgoing, entertaining and actually pretty freaking cute. [The kid blushes allll the time. If Hannibal was less of a manly-manly man he'd probably squee in delight every time it happened.] To Hannibal's relief, he's similar to Rae; neither troublesome nor annoying.
Which is completely unlike Azrael's other friends Jag, Siek, Leu, Eri, and Kim. The only comment Hannibal can make about those guys is that they're all freaking nuts. Each one is a head-case that deserves to be locked up in a psychiatric ward. Plain and simple.
So, to recap, in just a little over a decade Hannibal has been married, had four children [with another on the way], got a kickass super expensive house, got a divorce, got remarried to the same woman, somewhat adopted his nephew, took in a random kid, housed a bunch of other mentally unwell individuals, and managed to pay all his bills on time.
His life hasn't turned out the way he planned.
But really, it's not all that bad.
[Except for the evil devil kids.]
End 1
Growing Up Lynch will be a collection of related but non-chronological oneshots dealing with various moments in the lives of the Lynch children. I’ll also include moments from when Hannibal was a child and what it was like for him to grow up. And, in some chapters, there will be stories with Seth’s background. Since this is the introductory chapter, it’s just listing the [current and most important] kids and a bit of their personalities.
This series will feature elements of Male/Male relationships, Male/Female relationships, and possibly Female/Female relationships. There will also be M/M Twincest. If you have an issue with any of those, don’t read it.
For clarification
-Reason Han and Ren have so many kids: Modeled after my mom’s family. She had 12 brothers and sisters. I’m an only child and I really wish I had some siblings [2 not 12+]. Besides, Hanny doesn’t like kids so I purposefully gave him too much. And Renee is a kid lover who comes from a large family so this is what she’s used to.
-10 year old Az blamed the divorce on Hanny even though it was technically both parents fault. Since Hannibal was the one who left during the divorce, Azrael resented him more. He had a lot of pent up anger aimed at Hannibal and this was how he took it out on him. [Note that this is Angry-Vengeful-kid-Azrael as opposed to Funny-Prankster-kid-Azrael. Prankster-Azrael doesn’t try to hurt anyone with the things he does.]
-Hannibal put up with him because he was #1. still new to parenting, #2. absent from Z’s life during some critical development time [around age 5-8] #3. uncomfortable with kicking a kid’s ass. [Current Hannibal is perfectly comfortable with it. In fact, he enjoys it.]
-Renee wasn’t an absentee mom. I only have Hanny dealing with the kids in this cuz it’s fun to torment him. He’s so melodramatic XD
-Malik doesn’t usually live with Hanny and Ren unless his parents are deceased but I remember CivicusDreamer was interested in him.
-Yes, I’ve said before that Jag & Siek are my two old OCs who make up Azrael’s character. I decided to revamp them as a twincest couple cuz I can.