The Crude Aventures of Billy

The crude adventures of Billy started in a rather disturbing manner.

We are taken to a quaint location, remembered as Twitterville, more commonly referred to home of the Twits. Our main protagonist resides on the south end, known as rat’s nest, due to the unsettling disposition of those who live there, Billy is no exception. Billy on one hand is different than the rest or at least thinks so in the depths of his imagination, which is at best a twisted arrangement of thoughts and meanderings.

The dawn started out as such that no one could hardly believe it could blossom into something than any other normal day. Billy is lying on the couch, his makeshift bed; his real one had met a fate much worse than death, to be left with the rodent residents of his last hovel. Home is not the sort of thing one can call it, for a home is a place where it is a refuge from the outer world as well as a cherished kind of possession. Billy does not believe in either.

So he wakes up arms and legs stretched to the floor. Something disturbed his regular routine; it may have been the loud snore that threatened shake down the TV remote from its less than sturdy position, teetering on its precipice above the sleeping mans head or the little cockroach with the mad desire to complete its suicide mission by diving into Billy’s open mouth, causing him to nearly choke in a surprisingly fierce bout of coughing; either way he had awakened and was not about to fall back to a lethargic slumber any time soon.

Billy had one of his marathon headaches, the kind influenced by a long night of heavy drinking. Anyhow, we are introduced to the likes of this city boy, a man of no ambition or drive, but not without his highlights. He is what one might consider if thought about for a minute as being tall and putting aside his un-kept beard, off centered grey eyes and loud obnoxious behaviour, one might think him as a handsome man. But really that’s a stretch for the imagination. Well, anyway our main man is getting up do a bathroom tour before resuming one of his favourite activities which in all likelihood involves a brown bottle of the Bud variety.

But wait, the day has started relatively early.

No one on this block will see the light of day until at least twelve noon. Billy who really has no cares thinks to himself ‘what the heck you only live once’, so he checks out the contents of his decrepit fridge. One would hardly find anything of nutritional value within the confines of that emotional monstrosity; it buzzed and groaned in half hearted protests, almost in its last throes of life. Still the twenty seven year old casually ignored the commotion as if it was a daily occurrence which it most likely was; but really what use would it be to complain, not when funds were dealt through monthly checks that just barely covered daily expenses. Nope, that would be an issue when it was absolutely necessary. Billy pushed aside an empty bottle of ketchup, a milk carton two months past the expiry date but to his utter dismay there's not a drop of beer to be had. “Why this is horrible!” he cries into to the early morning. “Where am I going to get more, my welfare check shouldn’t arrive for at least two more days.” If he was expecting an answer from his long departed room mate or the unseen pests scurrying from possible onslaught of attack, he was sorely mistaken. A frown forms scrunching his slightly less than handsome features into an ugly scowl.

Billy not being a man of patience begins his monthly mission; the great cash hunting expedition. First, he uproots his couch pillows throwing them haphazardly to the filthy ground. Next, he gives his couch a vigorous push, it ploughs itself into the wall with a laborious thud, the sad contraption never had a chance, and it not only fell to pieces but rather disintegrated into a bug infested mound. After the smoke cleared Billy continued his search wading through the debris with disheartening results, there was no money to be had. He found his long lost playboy magazine that he used for his ah… frequent dates with the palm sisters and a half consumed piece of pizza that held countless possibilities if not for the distraction of the task at hand. But as for some change, well he had exhausted that gold mine on his last money shortage.

Now Billy up to this point had no notion of what to do. It never occurred to him that his well might, well run dry. So of course there was no plan B, that would of course take a little thinking and Billy had no time for that. It was time to panic, and boy did he ever. If his apartment room was a mess before, it was in ruins in the matter of five minutes. After a fruitless search Billy crumpled to the floor and balled like a little child crying about how unfair it was for life to leave him in such a state.

An ordinary person would have got up and thought over the situation, and maybe realized the error of his ways, but not Billy. Billy, as one might assume by the way he slugged his furniture around like toys that he was not a man with incapability’s, but is rather lazy of mind. His limitations are self imposed, but that is alright when everyone around him is of a similar nature. Not everyone is aspiring to be Einstein.

This story should have ended here, but our protagonist decides his tantrum was not wielding any results. So wiping away the tears and snot, he picks himself up and does something original, walks outside. The morning is humid with a promise of scorching heat, but this early it’s peaceful, even in the middle of this concrete jungle. Billy looks at the time and is amazed that it’s only about six thirty. It’s far too early for the white collared stampede, but the blue collared folk were already making way to their day jobs.

Most of Billy’s neighbours don’t know the difference between either one, since none never seemed to keep any kind of employment. Plus it was too early for his likes. If it had been later Billy would have probably went to see old Tom, who resided in the next block over. Tom, a long time and probably the only true friend of Billy’s was a kind of entrepreneur. He was a man behind many shady dealings, but his beer tasted just fine. Billy liked to listen to his rant about his youth back in the old days, though he was never really sure if anything he was told was fact or borderline fiction. It didn’t matter, on a hot day; it was nice to sit in the back under Tom’s tree. He spent many a summer days coasting between buzzed and fall over wasted protected by the old oak trees shade. Oh the good old days.

Billy sighed, thinking he would have to see Tom later, there was no way he would entertain him this early, he was most likely nursing a hangover anyhow and would be in one wicked mood. So Billy walked. Billy hardly traveled far from his home, and with everything within close proximity why should he even bother. Today he ventured in a neighbourhood, a little better than his, this one had a park.

On any normal day Billy would have passed it by without a second thought, but today was special, he wanted to do something different.

Now taking a walk this early in the morning could be hazardous, especially through a park, but given his soberness and overall physic, Billy was hardly a target for some young punks trying to score some extra cash. Not that it would have done much good considering how low his funds were at this given moment. What did happen though was quite an unexpected. It would take some time to sort out all the details, but I’m sure time was something Billy did not anticipate. While strolling slowly on some well worn pathway, Billy was whistling some old forgotten tune. He never saw much beyond a white light and afterward everything just went blank.

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Before anyone complains I know this chapter is short. This is my first attempt to put anything on this site so please bare with me until I get the hang of it. Please feel free to comment and or review, because i could use an ego boost or at least a hint in the right direction. If you have any idea on how to change font sizes I would greatly appreciate it. Thanx!!!!