War

A/N-For Candycaner. Your reviews and awesome enthusiasm keeps me writing =]
And for those who have, or have lost a loved one to war. Thank you for helping to keep this nation safe.

PS- If you’re interested in reading a real life novel that will help you get a glimpse of what those at war today, and who were once at war, see or have seen, I highly recommend Greetings from Afghanistan: Send More Ammo, by Benjamin Tupper.

Disclaimer: Though I am studying the effects of PTSD on war veterans, as well as studying other medical problems seen in veterans, I have not served, nor have any knowledge based on experience in any situations dealing with real combat. Therefore, I apologize in advance if any of the following information pertains to be false (such as actual time served before coming back, base locations, etc. etc). I am not writing to voice an opinion, nor am I writing for the sake of public reaction. I’m simply a writer with a story that came to mind.



I clutched the note tightly in my hand, wondering if I’d rip the paper in half if I squeezed any tighter.

Once again I was alone.

Once again she had left me.

It wasn’t something that was sudden; more like something I knew was going to happen for a while now. Something I feared.

Dear Holly,

It was how all of her letters started out.

I wish I could be with you at this moment in time watching our family grow. Watching Buddy chase the ducks in our giant backyard. We both knew this day would come, and unfortunately, this day is here. I didn’t want you to open or read this letter until after I left because I couldn’t take watching you cry. Please know that I will be back soon; back before that mark on your neck fades, and back before that mark on your heart grows to become any worse than it all ready is. Remember to look in the night sky to see the stars, and that I am gazing at the same stars you are. I’m keeping your necklace close to my heart,

I look down to see the other half of the pure silver heart necklace, as well as the second set of dog tags she had made for me, rest just below my collarbone.

Just as I am keeping you close to my heart. I know you are doing the same.
I love you, Holly. Never forget that I love you.”

-Jenna

I awoke to my hand holding the tags around my neck, sweat escaping from every pore in my body.

Shame.

It was the first feeling I had started to get used to every morning as I glanced next to me to see the body of a woman in my bed.

She’s not Jenna!

My conscience had screamed it over, and over, and over again. But it seemed like I couldn’t care anymore. Like those words never seemed to get through to me.

It had been many months since I had gotten that letter. And no, not the one I saw in my dreams. I had visit from a few men who showed up at my doorstep with a folded flag, and a pair of dog tags I recognized all too well. It looked like they tried to make everything seem ok. Like they tried to scrub the blood off of the tags. But I could see the spots where it remained.

That wasn‘t what made me break down, however. The initial shock came when one of the men, I remember Jenna saying this man was like a brother to her, reached into his pocket and pulled out my wife’s pendant. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my life.

I heard so many words that were simple to understand, but that my brain couldn’t comprehend. Grenade. Sacrifice. Hero. Words that I should’ve been proud to hear, but at the moment all I could feel was hurt. All I could feel was heartbreak and pain.

I put on a robe and walked downstairs, letting out a sigh as I gazed out the backyard, watching what seemed to be a memory as I sat there with my wife, watching our German Sheppard Buddy chase anything he saw.

It was at that moment that she tackled me in the grass and started kissing me. We lived out in the country, on many acres of land. Jenna always told me she wanted to make love to me under the stars without disturbing anyone. I wasn’t hesitant to make her dream come true.

We had met when she first joined the army. She was twenty three years old, and I was twenty one. I remember thinking she was beautiful when I first saw her. She was hanging out in a restaurant eating lunch with some of her cadet friends, and I was the shy girl who didn’t want to approach her too quickly. Besides, I was with my friends, and I wasn’t going to desert them for someone I didn’t even know.

“If you keep staring, Holly, she’s going to notice you. And I don’t think you want that,” my friend Maria giggled and all I could do was blush.

My friends knew I was a lesbian. It wasn’t something that was a secret, but it also wasn’t something that was easily picked up. I’ve always had that feminine spike to me that made people automatically think I was straight.

I think she could instantly tell, because I was suddenly watching as a waitress walked over with a glass of wine and a small note. Jenna would later tell me that she paid that waitress $20 to get her to deliver it.

It was the first note I ever got from her. It was her name and phone number, printed on a napkin with a winking smiley face. I looked up at her, only to see her turning back around quickly so her gaze wouldn’t meet with mine.

I nonchalantly left the restaurant without giving her any sign that I was going to even talk to her.

I wound up calling her the next night.

“Shut up guys! Shh! I’m on the phone!” I could hear the voices of men and women in the background. “Go talk to your girlfriend outside, Jen!” I silently laughed. That had to have made her nervous; or at least blush a little.

“Hey…Uh…Holly, right? Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m at a party with my friends. We usually do this after a hard day of training. They like to be assholes like that.”

“It’s fine. Listen, why don’t you go back to your party, and I’ll talk to you later?”

I was surprised when she protested.

“No, no, it’s fine. Actually, I was going to leave anyway. Probably head on back to my place. I live in this little apartment complex on Lakes Avenue and…”

“Lakes Avenue?” I interrupted. At that moment, it seemed like I was in one of those now or never situations. Little did I know, my words would land me the woman of my dreams. But I wasn’t aware at the time. “I live right by there. Just take a left on the light before you get to Lakes. If you’re not busy, you should visit sometime.”

I could literally hear her smile on the phone. “How about tonight?”

My heart raced fast, and I was sure she could hear how loud it was beating. “Sure,” I whispered into the phone, clearing my throat to hopefully understand what the hell just happened.

“All right. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

A few minutes seemed like hours as I quickly changed and cleaned the house in what felt like record time. I could’ve sworn it took me 35 minutes to decide if I should wear panties or not. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t something I normally did. But I felt like I knew exactly where this was going to lead.

I heard the doorbell ring and was surprised to see a plain clothed woman standing at my door.

“Well I can’t wear my uniform all the time!” Jenna laughed as she saw my confused look. She walked inside and took a quick glance at the place I called home. She gave off a warm feeling, and at that distance it was making my heart melt.

She walked over to my couch, sitting upon it and I slowly walked over, sitting beside her. I had so many questions I wanted to ask her; so many things I wanted to know.

“How did you know you wanted to get into the army?” The first question managed to escape, and she looked at the ceiling, chuckling softly.

“Where I come from,” she paused to move a strand of her short, dark hair out of her eyes, which at the moment were filled with pain. “You see so much death. People shooting, gutting, knifing other people. You learn to fend for yourself. You become lonely, and you realize that its do or die. I didn’t want to be like that, you know? I didn’t want to be like someone who just killed for the hell of killing. I guess I didn’t want to defend myself anymore. I wanted to defend other people. To fight for those who didn’t have a chance to fight. At first, I had no one. And now I have a whole bunch of brothers and sisters behind me. I think its one of the best decisions I‘ve ever made. The training is crazy tough though.”

“That sounds great that you’re doing something like that Jenna. There are so many selfish people in the world. Its good to see you’re not one of them”.

I suddenly realized I forgot my manners. “I’m sorry. I forgot to ask; can an I get you something to drink?” The words stuttered out and I could see the smile behind those dark eyes.

“Actually…I’m…kind of hungry.” Her face moved closer to mine and I could feel her warm breath on my lips.

“Yeah? What…Can I get for you?” I asked, my eyes traveling from her eyes to her lips as my heart stopped beating in that moment. I felt like I was going to melt, and she must of sensed it too, because her arms were quickly around me, holding me up as she kissed me with a passion I’d never experienced before.

My body felt like it was moving on its own, but I was fully aware as I kissed back, pulling away only to mutter “second door on the right…”

I was surprised as she picked me up, bridal style, and carried me to my room.

Seconds later, I felt my head hit the pillow behind me as she pulled at my bottom lip with her teeth; her tongue fighting with mine in a battle I knew she would easily win. It seemed like forever as I watched her pull her shirt off and throw it to the floor.

Her lips pulled away from mine to softly touch the vein on my neck. I felt her teeth; her bite, and I was sure she felt my nails digging into her nearly bare back as I raked up, feeling her slightly ragged breath on my skin.

Her fingers made their way to the hem of the skirt I was wearing, and I could feel her wide smirk as she realized that I decided to not wear any panties. She moved away from my neck to look in my eyes.

“Not to worry, hun. I’m going commando too.”

But all in good favor, she decided to pull my skirt down my legs and toss it to the floor, atop her shirt.

Her fingers slowly made their way up from my inner thigh, and I could feel her getting close…So close.

“Jenna…Please…” I whimpered, but she wouldn’t stop teasing me. She went as far as pressing her thumb against my clit, watching me pant and squirm from the heat of her fingers.

I could feel her touching me. Touching every part around my core, but never deciding to give me what I truly wanted. I didn’t want to be rude, but this woman was driving me insane, and as my hands rushed to quickly give myself the release the cadet wouldn’t, she grabbed my wrists with one hand and held them tight above my head; tight enough to where I wouldn’t break free, but loose so her grip didn’t hurt.

“Be patient, love.” She whispered, pulling on my ear with her teeth, running her tongue from the lobe up. With her other hand, she quickly managed to unbutton my blouse, doing the same in unclasping my bra strap.

I closed my eyes as her tongue ran over each breast, as I inhaled sharply. After her tongue dance was finished, she’d blow a bit of cool air on my breast, making my nipple taut, and making a shiver run up my spine.

“Dammit Jenna…” I hissed out in pleasure, feeling her kisses trail down, her tongue delve into my navel, and another one of her famous smirks pass her lips.

“I think you’ve suffered enough, Holly.” The woman winked as she pushed both my knees apart and I watched her face disappear from view.

She let my wrists go, and I quickly grabbed a fist full of hair as her teeth ever so gently bit down on my extremely sensitive clit.

I was losing control, feeling myself on edge as her now free hand pushed two fingers inside me, her tongue still working on my clit.

My breath became more ragged by the second as I finally managed to orgasm into her waiting mouth. It was the most unimaginable experience I’ve ever had, and I could feel myself wanting so much more of her. But her eyes gazed at the clock on my nightstand, and she silently cursed under her breath.

“Jenna what’s…What’s wrong?” I asked, my breath still ragged from the previous encounter.

“Sorry Holly. I have training tomorrow. And if I’m not there at approximately 0600, my drill sergeant is going to kick my ass.”

“You’re all ready here. Why don’t you just stay the night?” I asked, and she thought about it for a second, contemplating on whether it would be a good idea or not.

She didn’t protest; and when she held me in her arms that night, I remember thinking there was no where else in the world I’d rather be at that moment in time.


Jenna and I had been dating for almost a year when she finished her training and was first sent out to war. She had been training for this moment for a long time; and I was proud of her. I was proud to wear the imitation dog tags she had made for me that hung around my neck.

It was the first time I had ever seen her go, and the first time I had actually cried over someone that wasn‘t leaving for the sake of breaking up with me. I remember missing her so much; marking X’s on the calendar until the days she arrived home. I still do it sometimes, even though deep down I know she’s not coming back.

She sent me letters every single week, letting me know she was ok, and that she missed me so much. Some of the letters were too private, and it made me not only wonder how she was able to send them, but also how much longer it would be until she got home to experience the real thing.

Some of the letters had sand on them, and I started to become deathly afraid when I noticed the shakiness in my soldier’s handwriting. I didn’t know how much of an effect this had on her until she came back a few months later.

I’ll never forget how her eyes were bloodshot when I saw her again. She had that reassuring smile, but the rest of her body told a story I didn’t understand. There were scars and scrapes all over her skin. And she stared at me. Her hand touched my cheek, went through my hair as she realized that I had dyed it a darker blonde.

Life had gone on without Jenna being there, and I knew at first it was going to be hard for her to get back into things. So I gave her the space she needed, and I was there for her when she had her few nightmares; watching her brothers and sisters shot before her own eyes like she was there again.

She never seemed like the woman who had a fear of anything; death being one of those fears. But I could see her watching me carefully, like she thought she was going to lose me.

She had woken up one night, screaming, holding me tight and sobbing as she realized that her nightmare wasn’t real. That I hadn’t died. And that I was still alive.

“It’s ok, Jenna…It’s ok…” I cried with her, and that night, as she reached her climax, she buried her face in my skin and let all of her emotions out, sobbing from all the horror she had been going through.

It wasn’t the war that scared my Jenna. It was the aftermath. The nightmares that brought on death that terrified her to the very core of her being.

A few weeks after her return, in the apartment we shared together, Jenna proposed to me. It was one of the happiest days of my life, and I could tell it was one of hers as well. We felt like a family, and we discussed moving out of the apartment so she could be close to base, but be in an area where no one would bother us. So we moved out to the country side where we lived upon acres of land.

I could tell the Jenna I knew was coming back when she came home one day with an excited look on her face I hadn’t seen since she asked me to marry her a while back.

“Holly…Meet Buddy.” She opened the latch to a pet carrier and out came this little German Sheppard puppy that was eager to lick my hand as I went to pet him.

I nudged my soldier, giggling. “Buddy? Really Jenna?”

“What? It just came to mind. Besides…He’s really cute. C’mon, lets take him out back and show him his new home.”

She sat with me in the grass, before pinning me down and kissing me deeply. Kissing me like only she could. I remember looking into the night sky as the grass tickled my toes as I scrunched them, feeling Jenna’s fingers build me up. She was always good at that.

There was a short time in both our lives when my soldier wouldn’t let me in. I realized that I was losing my wife, losing the woman I fell in love with.

“If you don’t talk to me, I can’t help you…Please.” I touched her hand, and she pulled away, sitting up and going to the couch.

“You don’t know how I feel! You can’t help me! You can‘t even fucking imagine what I‘ve been through!” She cried. Her face was full of agony, and her eyes seemed distant, like she didn’t care anymore.

I had never put my hands on her before. But tonight was different. Tonight, she needed me. I slapped her with every fiber of my being, looking into her eyes and trying so hard to shake her from what she had become.

“Jenna, listen to me! This isn’t you! What the hell happened to you? To the woman I married? All you do is come home and sleep! You don’t care about me, or about Buddy anymore! How are we supposed to…To start our family?”

She looked up at me. The words hit her hard; I could tell. I wanted it to be a surprise. She was shaking, crying now as her hands slowly made their way onto my stomach. “Holly?” The whisper was barely audible, but I managed to hear her anyway.

“Yes, Jenna. Our family.”

“How did you…I mean…When did you…I just…Oh my God…” She held me and sobbed, as I kneeled down and wrapped my arms around her.

“I found a clinic, sweetheart. You remember when they took out a part of you in case…In case you didn’t come back? I…I wanted to do this. As a surprise for you. That’s why I was scared. I was so scared when you started losing yourself. Please don’t do this. If not for me, then for our family.”

One thing about Jenna that never faltered was her will to fight. She couldn’t see a doctor, because she wouldn’t be able to go back to war anymore if they deemed her to be mental. But she found a way to escape it all, and as she fought the demons within, she watched as her daughter was born.

It was hard to tell where Lilith ended and Jenna began. They looked alike. They did nearly everything alike. They had the same habits, the same dislikes. But Lilith seemed to take after her other mother when it came to smarts and attitude. I remember laughing with my wife, debating on how our little girl was going to grow up.

She wouldn’t get the chance to know. She wouldn’t get to see her little girl go to college, have her first kiss; her first boyfriend or girlfriend. She wouldn’t get to see her daughter grow up looking just like her with the same smile that won me over so many years ago. She wouldn’t get to see Lilith get married or become something in life.

It was that time again. I remember dreading it because I had dreaded it the last time as well.

Jenna solemnly packed her things again, and the night before she left, we made love like we never had before. Like in my heart I knew I wasn’t going to see her again for a long time. But I wasn’t thinking about that. All I thought of was her coming home, even though she hadn’t even left yet.

The bus came the next day, and she hugged me tightly, kissed Lilith on the cheek, and kissed me goodbye, leaving a hickey on my neck, reassuring me she’d come back soon.

“I love you, Holly! I’ll be back soon, I promise!”

I promise. And she was gone.

I was cleaning the day they came over. I watched as the car pulled up to the house. “Mommy’s home!” I remember telling our daughter who cooed in her crib.

Before I could run outside, however, they were all ready there; a few military officials Jenna introduced me to. I remember crying at that moment, before they even managed to say anything.

“Ma’am.” The man who held my wife’s pendant stepped forward. “If I may say something? Jenna saved us all without a moment’s hesitation. And…She told us if anything ever happened to her, to let you know that she isn’t far away from you. That she’s watching Lilith grow up, even though she’s not here physically. She’s not gone from you if you keep her alive in your heart. I know…I know that’s what my friend…What my sister would’ve wanted.”

Weeks later, I wound up falling into a spell of depression. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and only stayed alive to take care of Lilith.

That’s when Cate found me. I remember not being able to talk to her because I didn’t feel anything for a while. But she helped me to open up again, and before I knew it, I was in her bed, then in a relationship with her.

Time seemed to flow by without Jenna there. First months, then as quickly as she had passed away, Lilith turned five years old. I watched as she played by the big oak tree Jenna and I planted in the back yard when we first lived there. I didn’t notice as her hand reached into a crevice in the tree, and she pulled out what seemed to be a letter.

“Mommy! Mommy, look! It has your name on it!”

I never saw this letter in my entire life. But I knew whose handwriting it was as soon as I glanced at my name written upon the back of the envelope.

Dear Holly,

How much time has passed? How many years has it been? If you’re finding this letter then I’m no longer a part of this world. I wrote this as something that couldn’t be seen with an easy eye; as something that would take a while for you to find when you weren’t looking for it. I’m sorry for putting you through so much pain with me being gone. Not only you, but Lily as well. Has she grown up? What’s she like I wonder. Is she just like you? Or just like me. Are you treating her well? Does she have someone in her life to call mom besides you? Does she know about me? Is she married? Or does she have any children of her own?

Rest assured Holly, even though I’m not there, I’m watching you every single day. And I want you to know that even though things were hard, I’ve had the best years of my life with you. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. This is it, Holly. My last letter. My last hurrah before all you have left to remember me by is the times we shared together. The mark on your neck may have faded, but I know the mark on your heart will always be there.

I love you. Always

-Jenna.

My daughter walked up to me, seeing me cry, as she sat in my lap, hugging me tightly.

“Mommy, why are you crying?” She asked.

“Oh honey, Mommy was just thinking about something, that’s all. She’s ok now. Hey, how about I tell you a story? It’s about a girl named Jenna…”

End

A/N- I cried when I was writing this.