Hasan

Prologue: Ash’s departure

She was beautiful, adorable, the only person that I could stand being around for a long length of time. She was the only thing that tied me to the rest of the world. I did not want to lose that connection. I did not want to go back to the way I was. This all changed on that night.

We needed money for the winter to come, so we have been collecting pelts to sell. When we reached the town, Ash went to the tannery where we usually sold our goods, and I went to secure our rooms at the local tavern. The night was alive and many were there. Nothing special happened, no note worthy occasion, but the locals were excited and celebrating for no reason. Before reaching the place, I could already taste their exuberance.

Inside, it was worse and oh so intoxicating. By the time I located and approached the owner, I was giddy with joy and could not keep still, swaying where I stood to the emotions hitting me from all sides. At the moment, I wanted to run away from so much feeling. I should have, but I did not and rented out the only room that was available. I practically ran to the room as fast as I could and stayed there. Ash found me there pacing around the room, almost dancing with the music in my head. So many hearts were singing, so many fluttering with vibrance that my body needed to join in. I felt Ash way before she entered the tavern, before she opened the door to the room. She was happy with her dealings at the shop. She was excited when she encountered the crowd downstairs and she was…she was…ecstatic when she saw the state that I was in.

I thought nothing of it at the time, but now, her ecstasy feels cruel. I wish I saw that on that night but it was not meant to be.

She grinned mischievously, “You look like you want to join the crowd downstairs.”

I smiled, actually, I was smiling all night, “Too much, Ash. Need…”

“Oh no, you need to get used to this Hasan. Now, come, we’re going to have fun tonight.”

She led me down and everything became a blur. I don’t remember seeing anything but I felt everything. We stayed down there almost all night. I would have stayed there longer, but Ash led me upstairs. She took my hand so gently, smiled mischievously, and led me to the bed. Usually, I would have slept on the floor far away from her, needing that space to separate from her and her emotions, but I could not break away from her still drugged and giddy from the night’s experience.

I am grateful of one thing, maybe two. I held myself back. We lay together in that bed, I gave her what she wanted and begged for, but I held my heart back. High on the feelings that I felt that night, intoxicated from the brew that I drank earlier, I held back my feelings from her and only bounced back of what I felt from her. Excitement, fear, joy, pleasure. Mostly pleasure. We embraced several times when we finally collapsed from exhaustion in the morning, and then I woke up.

My belongings were scattered across the floor and Ash was packing her things in a rush. I became alert. Confusion and fear sobered me and pushed away the effects from last night. I ask, in a small tiny voice, “Why are we leaving so fast?”

“I am leaving, you are not,” she answers.

My hands start to shake. I look at them wondering why they were shaking, “Why?” I ask.

With that question, I come to realize why I was shaking. Hatred. Ash’s hatred. There was no love coming from her, just hate, fear, and maybe a little of disgust towards me. All towards me. My shaking becomes worse, but I try to control it not letting her see how she is affecting me.

“You made me your jinthéan!” she shouts.

“What?” I asked confused. Not once did I share when we were joined. I still don’t know why she thought I made her my life companion. She might have confused it with the saithéan bond, but those are very different. It is like comparing an anthill to a mountain. Realizing that her hatred maybe contrived from her own misunderstanding, I saw hope and smiled tentatively, nervously waiting for an opportunity to interrupt.

“Jinthéan! Without my permission! Without telling me! Without my knowledge!”

The chance, “We are not jinthéan, Ash. Just calm…”

“Really, then what is this bond you made between us? Huh! Sure isn’t something I ever felt!”

The truth, I was just a possession to her like my brother. She never saw the friendship we made or the bond that the friendship formed. I was just an object or project to her, maybe not from the beginning but close.

And now, her project showed her that it maybe more than what she could handle or ever own and that is why she was angry. Why she needed to leave and leave me behind. I just hope there was some love she had for me. But at that moment, she only had hatred.

“Then go,” I said calmly. Mind you, I was shivering inside and my hands were still quivering. I said nothing else to her. I believed no other words were needed and that I could not say anything else. My mind went blank and I let her emotions run through and out of me. It was the only way to coup.

Ash stops packing and stares at me. Shocked and surprised that I would let her go so easily. If she knew how I would let her go so easily. If she knew how I was feeling then, would she have stayed? She could have found out by just looking at my hands, but she doesn’t and finishes packing. When she opens the door and is about to step out of the room she whispers, “Jinthéan, Hasan?”

I don’t answer her, she would not listen and I lost my voice already.

Once she is gone, I collapse on to the bed and fell asleep allowing darkness to envelope my mind and take me away from this nightmare.

When I woke up, it is noon the next day. I feel out Ash to find her. She went west back to where we came from. Numb, I crawl around and gather my things only to find out that she did not leave me any money. I go downstairs unkempt but dressed to find the owner. Ash already paid him but if I wanted to stay longer I needed to give him another night’s rent. With no money, I needed to leave. I wanted to stay, to wait for her, but my misery wouldn’t let me. If I have stayed, those people would have made me feel something that I did not wish to feel.

Weeks pass and then a month as I traveled east, away from her. After the first week, I finally stopped feeling her and that is when my misery took my body. I sobbed. Cried. Shouted. Banged my hands on the ground, the nearest boulder, or tree. My hands were bloodied and crusted with old blood when I came to my senses. I needed to decide what to do with myself. I did not want to go back to the way I was. Like an animal shying from any human contact. I did not want that, but I lost my connection to humans when Ash left. I needed…desired that connection so I too could feel like a human being. But to go through this again, it would surely kill me. Connection, I must build my own without using another person.

My hands stung, throbbing with pain. My brother loved to give me pain. He also loved to bring others pain. I used that idea for a connection back then so I would not feel alone when he left me tied up and gagged unable to move a muscle. Why couldn’t I use pain again as a connection? This time though, I’ll heal and make that pain go away. I’ll heal my wounds. My hands were repaired still crusted with old blood though. And I thought, as I wash my hands in a nearby river, I’ll heal others and take their pain, and while they are being healed I will be healed as well then the connection will no longer be this pain but something else.