Imp!

I was down in the basement, see, and I had my beer in one hand and the wand I'd built in the other - right? The wand, oh, I made it out of twigs. Supposed to be rowan and stuff, all I had was oak and maple, but I figured it would work just as well. Look, I was drunk a lot of the time back then.

So I use my bundle of twigs to make the sign on the floor in this paint, right, and the paint has chicken blood (and a bit of mine) in it so it's turning all nasty and everything, you get the idea. I'm splattering it here, there, all over the place, in the pattern that the book said. Eh? Yeah, this old book my grandfather had. Supposedly he sold insurance, right, but really he was a rich old fellow who needed something to do during the day. And in the evenings, when he wasn't with his family, he did stuff with the occult as a hobby.

Yeah, I was trying to summon a minor fiend, because I had a standing bet with someone about - well, better not, eh? But I hoped he would predict the future for me, let's leave it at that.

So there I am, right, doing the patterns, then placing and lighting the candles, then reading the incantation, right, and that's hard to pronounce right and who knows if I did it correctly. But I finish it. And then I'm supposed to do this little twisty motion in the air with the wand, so feeling kind of stupid, I do a little twisty motion, kind of like a screwdriver, right?

But it catches on something and resists turning. So I try to twist harder, and it starts to turn, and there's this grinding noise that comes out of nowhere, then suddenly there's a burst of flames, and SHE comes out.

So there I'm going all "What the fuck," and she's going "Oh hey cool, material world," and the painted pattern is starting to smoke around her, I kid you not. And she says, "You called for me?" and I'm like, "Um, actually I was calling for Myxtplzk, or however you say that," and she says, "Oh, you musta got the spell wrong somewhere..." and I'm thinking, oh shit, she's going to burst through the barrier I made with the symbols and candles and stuff and then drag me straight back to Hell and consume my soul for ever and ever...

…and she says, "Anyway, he's over in the next cubicle. Can I help you with something?"


So I'm thinking, "What, Hell has cubicles?" but then I go, "Hey, I fucking hated cubicle farms when I worked in one, right, maybe demons do too, you never know." So I started asking her about-- asking her questions, you know, and she's actually answering them.

So then I figure, because I've had a few drinks by this time, I can hit on her even if she's a demon, right? So we're doing a little flirting back and forth, she says that life in Pandaemonium is kind of similar to life in Chicago. I go, shit ew sucks, right? and she laughs, and says at least she gets paid. And this is where I start wondering, because she said she doesn't take, uh, doesn't take the same payment the guy I wanted to talk with takes, and so I'm going oh shit again, and I say, "Uh, can I offer you a cup of tea?" and she says, "Really? You can't get a decent fucking cup of tea in all of Hell, you know."

So I go and I get a cup and a spoon and some sugar and heat up some water, and I put the teabag in and pour in the water and bring it down, and damned if she doesn't just drink the tea like anyone would do at the dining-room table.

Yeah, right? Then she left.

Well, not quite. She was a little annoyed about me pulling her from her desk, right? She bound me with a gas, or geese, or whatever, so I couldn't use the information she gave me for monetary gain. I lost the bet because whenever I tried to talk with my pal I would just start drooling and mumbling.

But I had the satisfaction of knowing what was going to happen ahead of time, and that felt good.