Cut loose

Summary: “I’m a normal guy with a normal life. And it’s not like I’m complaining: I’ve always known what I wanted and my goals are within my reach. It’s just…being gay was never part of my plans. Clearly, Guy and Dominic weren’t either…”

Warnings: This tale involves homosexual relationships between males. If you are somehow offended by these themes or aren’t legally old enough to be reading about such in your region, I highly suggest you do not continue further.

Cut loose

Chapter one: Leucocytes and broken windows…


‘White blood cells, also known as leucocytes may be divided into two large groups: phagocytes and immunocytes. The granulocytes and the monocytes belong to the phagocytes’ group. The former include three types of cells: neutrophils (polymorphs), eosinophils and baso-‘

BANG!

I stop my reading, take a deep breath and restart.

‘Okay. White blood cells, also known as leucocytes may be divided into two large groups: phagocytes and immunocytes. The granulocytes and the monocytes belong to the phagocytes’ group. The former include three types of ce-‘

BANG!

I jerk again and sigh tiredly. Outside, another bang is heard and I glare at my bedroom window. The window glares back. Well, the sun outside glares back. The window just refracts it into my eyes. I hear the happy chatter of children playing in the backyard and my eyes narrow further. The shining sun isn’t the only cause.

I swear, one day I’m going to kill those kids. Never mind that one them is my ten year old sister. I’m still going to kill her. Especially her. She knows I’m up here. Studying!

BANG!

Well, trying to…

I’m angrily halfway up my chair before I notice, meaning to spring to my window and scream at her to go play somewhere else, anywhere else, but I draw yet another deep breath and sit down again.

I kind of understand them. It feels good to be outside on a shiny Saturday afternoon after so many weeks of continuous rain. Don’t get me wrong, I like rain: just not pouring so many days in a row.

I look at my window again and bask a little in the sunlight spilling across my face. The winter is finally at its end. About time, too. I envy them. I want to be in the open, as well. If only I didn’t have to study…but I do have to. And there’s nothing I can do about it. If you have objectives in life, you always have to give up on some things to achieve them. There’s no other way around.

I turn to my Biology book once more and give it another try. The childish laughter is heard again after another bang and I clench my fists but continue on reading.

«««««««»»»»»»»

BANG!

I glare at the bookshelf in front of me. Thirty minutes later they continue on their playful banter and I’m still in the same page. Damn kids! I HATE them! I. HATE. THEM! Calm down, Julian! Just. Calm. Down. Take a deep breath and –

BANG!

I close my eyes tightly and sigh. For the millionth time today, I rein in my anger and look down to my book. Back into the leucocytes. I’m starting the paragraph AGAIN when…

BANG! CRASH! CRASH!

I jump at the loud sound of something breaking and look startled to my bedroom window. What the fuck! WHAT THE F- Don’t tell me they broke a window! Oh, they’re dead. They’re. DEAD! And I’m not gonna be the one to kill them…

“Oops, sorry…” a childish voice says faintly from the backyard. It’s not my sister’s.

“Damn Emile. My brother’s up there!”

No shit! Now that’s my sister. See, told you she KNEW I was here.

“B-brother? Ju-Julian?” the boy stutters. Yeah, me.

“Duh Emile. Do I have any other brother?” I shake my head. Nope.

“B-but he has Volleyball on Saturdays, doesn’t he?” The boy sounds frightened and for a split second I even feel sorry for him. But just for a split second.

“He’s studying for spring term exams.” My sister explains calmly, as if they didn’t just break something big downstairs.

“WHAT? He’s studying upstairs?” She must’ve nodded or something because he continues, ranting in his usual childish manner. “STUDYING?! Why didn’t you tell me? We’ve been here all this time making noise and he’s studying upstairs?! He’s going to kill us, Cassandra!” Okay, so Emile’s a smart boy. A smart, maybe, considerate boy. The same can’t be said about Cassandra can it?

Then again, he was the one who broke whatever it is that they broke downstairs. That reminds me that perhaps I should go inspect the damage. After all I’m the closest thing to an adult in the house at the moment.

I get up and open my bedroom door.

“I wouldn’t worry about Julian. He’ll let my dad do the dirty work. Because when my dad sees that broken window, he’s going to kill us. Painfully. Twice!” This is the last thing I hear my sister say before leaving my room. And she’s soooo right!

«««««««»»»»»»»

When I arrive at the living room, I cringe at the scenario. One of the picture windows, the one facing the garden, has a huge hole in the middle and small pieces of glass are all over the floor below it. Still, that’s not the only problem. The expensive crystal vase that used to be on the coffee table near the sofas isn’t there no more.

I enter the room, go around the table and yes, it’s on the floor. Smashed into tiny pieces. Oh, joy. Mom’s going to have a fit now, too.

I stare ahead with a small pray and amazingly I’m heard. The LCD screen is intact. Next to the wall beside it, too close for comfort, lies innocently a faded soccer ball. It’s nothing short of a miracle it didn’t break that too.

I walk to it and grab the dangerous object. The dirty ball who used to be white says ‘Germany 2006’ and the smiley symbol of the Championship winks at me. I look back at its destruction path and vaguely wonder if my parents will be in the mood to wink too, when they get home. Even so, a distracted thought fills my mind. Shit. It had to be one hell of a shot to cover that amount of distance…

I hear a gasp and turn to the entrance. Oh, there they are. The brats. The black haired boy becomes white at the sight of the broken window while my sister has the decency to flinch at my glare. Seconds later the boy turns to me too and I glare at him, silently as well. He gulps and lowers his large chocolate brown eyes in shame.

“H-hi, Ju-julian.” He whispers and I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. I don’t respond and keep glaring a little longer for good measure. They’re both fidgeting on their feet, their heads low, by the time my voice sounds, cold and disapproving.

“I suppose this…” I shake the ball on my hands. “...is yours?” I ask Emile. The boy looks slowly at me with watery eyes and bites his lower lip hard, making a grand effort not to cry. Slowly he nods, almost imperceptibly. When I say nothing back he sobs faintly and silent tears fall from his eyes ending on shaking hands.

“I-I-I’m s-s-sor-ry…” The ten year old apologises weakly and I don’t even know how I heard him. I sigh tiredly and look at my sister. She knows me. I can’t stay angry for long. Not at them, anyway. So she just waits patiently while submissive for me to calm down.

“Cassandra, go get a broom and a dustpan. Let’s at least clean this mess up before mom and dad return…” I say and mentally scoff at myself. Shit, can’t believe I already forgave them. Cass, my dear sister, has the nerve to smirk at me, knowing I’m going to plead their case with our parents. I glare at her.

“Go, Cassandra!” She jumps to her feet and dashes out of the door, ginger hair splitting the air behind her. I sigh again and pass my hands through my own chestnut locks while looking at the mess and trying to fathom where to start. Emile nears me with a soft “I’ll help,” and I grab his arm to stop him from advancing further into the room.

“No. Take your ball and sit over there.” I wave to the farthest sofa in the room. “I’ll handle it...the last thing I need is for you kids to hurt yourselves.” Then it would be my head on the silver platter. The boy looks at me and pouts but does as I say.

“I’m really sorry.” He reaffirms. At least he’s not crying anymore.

“I know.” My sister arrives then and hands me the dustpan and the small broom. I send her to get a bucket for the glass and the vacuum cleaner to clean the dirt near the LCD. She leaves and I start by the crystal vase. Emile speaks again.

“I’ll pay for it. The window and the vase.” I sigh. Money is not the problem. I wouldn’t say my family’s exactly rich, because we’re not, but I guess we’re comfortable. We can afford some extra expenses. And no doubt Emile’s mother will insist on paying for everything. Even if there really is no need. No, the problem, if he exists, will probably be my parents’ reactions. They’re not in a very good phase, right now. In fact they argue over every little thing. So, these accidents are just enough to put them on the ‘good’ mood.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Cassandra knew she shouldn’t be playing so close to the house, so it’s partly her fault, too. Besides, accidents happen. I’ll talk to my parents…” I say nonchalant. The boy smiles sadly.

“Thanks Julian. Still, I’ll talk to my mom about it. It was my fault, after all. Cassandra shouldn’t get punished because of me.” He says. And I smile. He’s really a nice kid.

“Don’t worry about that.” My sister says while entering the room. “You’re my best friend. You’ve also covered up for me before...” I arch an eyebrow while putting the largest glass pieces into the bucket. Oh? “Besides, as long as my nice older brother Jules is on our side, mom and dad won’t hurt us. He’s an expert in saving me from our parents’ wrath.” She says while smirking at me. I look sideways at her. How can I be so soft? I should just let her get slaughtered by mom later. But then Emile would be, too, and the kid doesn’t deserve it. It was an accident after all. Said child smiles sweetly and happily comments…

“You’re always so nice to everybody, Julian, that’s why everyone likes you at school, even though you’re kind of an egghead…” I look at him, disbelievingly. Excuse me? The boy must’ve noticed my heated gaze because he hurries to explain.

“It was my brother who said it…” Oh, all explained. “Is it something bad?” He asks, his voice curious and fearful at the same time. Cass chuckles.

“It can be... It refers to someone who’s clever but only cares about studying and such…” I answer with a resigned sigh, returning to my previous task: clean up their mess.

Emile’s older brother, Guy, is my senior in Woodford Academy High school. He’s one year older than me and I’ve known him all my life, since they live right next door with their mother and older sister. There was even a time, years ago (when we were Emile and Cass’s age, I believe) when I considered him my best friend. But then, sometime during Junior high, he changed and distanced himself from me. I guess it was when he grew up into that tower of a guy and started hanging out with the popular jocks.

After all, Guy Stephens is Woodford High’s terrifying clean-up hitter. Wouldn’t want to hang out with Julian Thomas: the school’s egghead… Idiot. Perhaps bothered by my silence and angry frown, Emile speaks again.

“I didn’t mean to anger you, Julian...” I remain silent. I’m not angered! Why would I be angered because of an imbecile like Guy?

“My brother is a brute sometimes, you know that. He talks without thinking. But I know that he likes you, a lot. I mean, he even voted in you for vice president.” He concludes with a happy shrug.

I huff. Him and half of the school or else I wouldn’t hold that position. But first, they didn’t vote in me, per say, they voted in my list. And second, even if they did elect me, it wouldn’t be because they think I’m cool or whatever, but because I have a good relation with the school’s teachers and administration, due to my high academic results.

I didn’t even want to have anything to do with the Student Council. It was Agnes’ fault. Agnes Williams is Woodford High Student Council’s current President. And she’s the real thing, the main reason why our list won the election. She’s smart, cunning, a social butterfly, has killer looks… And she managed to convince me to be her list vice president.

How, I’ve yet to figure out. The fact was that I denied her request thousands of times, but she just didn’t give up. She wanted me, said she wouldn’t even think about anyone else to fill the position. Well, she got me: one day I just got sick of her insistence and said yes. It was all she ever needed.

Later, I would find out that it’s nearly impossible to say no to that girl. And because of that, now I have a load of extracurricular work to attend to… joy. Why Agnes would choose me and not one of the popular jocks (Guy, for example) completely escapes me. Perhaps they’re too clever to fall into her trap.

Anyway, my sister smiles at Emile’s words, proud. She enjoys having an important brother in school. Mom has told me she likes to brag to her teachers and friends about me. Always on my back, of course. Not even once has she complimented me on anything. When mom asked her why, Cass said she doesn’t want to spoil me. Such a droll brat, my sister.

«««««««»»»»»»»

I keep silent and sour (much to Emile’s unhappiness) during the whole cleaning. By the time I finish vacuuming the remaining dirt and glass debris, someone is persistently ringing the doorbell. Probably has been at the door for sometime now and we didn’t hear it due to the machine’s noise.

“Coming!” Cassandra shouts, immediately jumping up from the couch to answer the door, and the bell finally stops.

“I’ll go.” I tell her and hand over the vacuum cleaner with the implicit order for her to go put it in its previous place. She frowns and pouts but she goes, silently. I head to the wooden door in the hallway. Upon opening it, I face a pleasant surprise, sarcastically speaking, of course. It’s just slightly comforting that he seems to be a little shaken, as well.

In front of me is the object of my most recent frustration. Over 6.2 feet tall, with his short dark hair gelled into a slightly spiky fashion and sharp chocolate eyes, Guy Stephens is a bulkier, insanely taller and older version of little Emile.

He’s wearing black sneakers, black jeans and a red wine coloured shirt covering his toned upper body. The shirt’s first two buttons are undone and reveal a fair amount of warm, tanned skin. My eyes return to his strong jaw, thin lips and clever eyes and yes, he’s handsome. Devastatingly handsome.

I know that and he knows it too. After all, I’m not blind…or deaf. He just didn’t have to rub it in my face, did he? Because almost everything looks good on his athletic body, but that shirt just makes him all the more eye-catching. And I’m feeling a little self-conscious in my 5.6 feet, baggy grey pants, baggy white sweatshirt and old slippers. I can’t even imagine how my stupid dishevelled hair must look right now… How I must look right now... There he is: every girl’s walking wet dream. And here I am:…well, me. Tousled and common Julian. Oh joy. Somehow, my mood gets worse.

“Oh, Julian…” he finally says, voice deep and rich while smirking sheepishly. He looks down and chuckles a little bit. I honestly hope he isn’t laughing at me. Then he gazes up again, right into my eyes and grins with his normal enticing smirk…“You surprised me. I was expecting your sister. I could swear I-”

“She did. Come in.” I interrupt calmly, stepping aside to let him enter. His smirk doesn’t falter and he passes by me, brushing slightly against my shoulder while I close the door. A faint whiff of nice, expensive aftershave mixed with nice-smelling body lotion or shampoo reaches my senses and I know he must have taken a bath before he came here. Why he came remains unknown, however. It’s not very usual, anymore.

“So it’s true the volley team took two weeks’ leave to study for mid term exams…” he comments simply. I shrug.

“It’s not exactly a ‘leave’. The volley team simply isn’t like the baseball team: our objectives aren’t as high as yours. Besides, only the students whose areas of study aren’t Sports were allowed to miss training these two weeks.” I say. He looks thoughtful for a moment.

“I don’t think we have a single member in the ‘ball club whose main subject isn’t Sports…” he affirms a little unsure.

“You don’t.” I say confident. He stares at me surprised. Then he grins.

“I don’t know why you accepted to be the Student Council’s vice president. It’s obvious you should have gone for the presidency. That would be the ideal position for you…” I shrug, nonchalant.

“If I had been the Head of the list, we wouldn’t have won.” He arches his right eyebrow.

“You think? I heard that many students didn’t vote in your list because Agnes was the President.” I frown but he continues, shrugging. “And I know for a fact that everyone in the ’ball team voted in her list because you were there.” I look at him stupefied.

“All the baseball team voted in Agnes’ list because I was there…?” I ask incredulously. I didn’t even imagine the ‘popular jocks’ knew I existed. He nods. ”All the twenty eight players…” I say, not believing him. He grins while rolling his eyes and they shine with mirth. Is he playing with me?

“You’re one hell of a responsible and intelligent guy.” It’s all he says, shrugging. His victory smirk doesn’t waver for a second. I force a smile at him.

“Thanks.” And here I thought I was an egghead. Bastard. He waves a hand, dismissing my gratitude.

“Don’t mention it. So, your sister’s home, right?” he asks casually, shoving his huge hands inside his pants’ pockets. The jeans are too tight and the pockets too small. They don’t fit completely in.

“Yeah, she’s home.” I answer simply. Watching him, I can’t help but feel a little sad. He used to do that when he was a kid, too. Back in the day when we started distancing ourselves but still hang out a lot. He would shove his hands into his pockets like that and then I would be the one scolding him to stand up straight, because he would also hunch his back in the process. Unconsciously to make himself seem smaller, I guess. He had issues about his height when we were friends.

Well, he doesn’t have them any longer, that’s for sure. At least I should be happy he acknowledged my advice. There’s no hunching his back, now. With his broad shoulders drawn back, his muscled chest is right in front of my eyes. And he stands straight in all his 6.2 feet of male glory. Musky-scented, relaxed, hands half in his pockets, looking around the hallway with a blank expression on his sculpted features like he owns the place. Did I mention I feel self-conscious around him? He’s acting like I don’t even exist or something. When I’m right in front of him and in my fucking house. Great. Now, I’m furious.

I cross my arms in front of my chest. Not nearly as muscled as his and with my short stature (compared to his), I feel like a dwarf. I’m not a skinny fellow and I am an average athlete, I’m just not aspiring to a professional career like he is. He’s the best of the best with a bat. And on my good days I am even proud I played catch with that guy. On my bad days (like today), I remember the asshole he became and I just hate his guts.

I clear my throat and he looks at me. I have no idea what he sees or what my expression is like, but his chocolate eyes narrow and spark in a way that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don’t dare to blink and instead arch my eyebrows, impatient and expectant. One of his hands leaves its place on his jeans and reaches for my face, at the same time he draws closer. His mouth opens, his lips shaping the first syllable of my name, but it’s not his fruity voice that sounds in the somewhat dark hallway.

“Julian, who is it? What’s taking you so long?” My sister appears coming from the living room, effectively interrupting whatever Guy was about to say. “Oh, Guy! Hi!” She chirps happily. He visibly startles and straightens, his hand doing a U-turn into his gelled hair instead. Not really understanding what happened, myself, I let it drop. He seems to dismiss it completely, as well, talking to my sister with an easy grin.

“Hey Cass, any chance my brother’s around?” he asks, approaching the much smaller girl to pat her on the head. I huff. So that’s what he wanted here. Cassandra nods eagerly. She likes Guy. He’s a fairly good guy to everyone but me, I guess.

“He and his ball…” I murmur louder and harsher than I intended. Both Cass and Guy turn to me, but whereas Guy looks confused, my sister gives me a knowing look. She knows I always get in a bad mood whenever subject Guy comes up, much less the man himself. Inwardly I reproach myself. I shouldn’t become so upset over Guy. It’s true we used to be friends but aren’t anymore and it’s true he’s a really good-looking man, but it’s not his fault I look like I do. And most of all, I’m not going to redirect my anger towards his kid brother. I’m better than that. Forcing myself to calm down, I walk towards the living room, inviting him at the same time.

“Come.” I say, trying to think of Guy as merely Emile’s brother. My sister leads the way.

«««««««»»»»»»»

“Holy shit!” Guy gapes at the hole in the window and I glare at him for his foul mouth in front of impressionable youths. Emile lowers his eyes embarrassed. Surprisingly, he seems a lot less worried in front of his brother than he was when he was facing my disapproval. I guess I’m the one with the bad temper around here. Cass is sitting on the sofa beside Emile looking expectantly at both of us standing.

“Way to go kid! Nice shot!” Guy exclaims with a proud grin, crossing his arms in front of his chest. I look at him dumbfounded. Really, I can't believe he said what he did. Cassandra chuckles from her seat, good-humored, while Emile looks genuinely confused. Finally recovering my wits and voice, I put my hands in my hips and glare at the man.

"Excuse me?!" I say. The man has the nerve to stare at me blankly.

"What?" He finally asks, shrugging his broad shoulders with a childlike smile on his face. I honestly can't believe this guy. Sighing, I patiently lower my voice and explain it to him.

"He breaks a window and you say 'way to go, kid’?!" Upon my words, Guy closes his eyes for a split second, smirks softly, and when he glances at me sideways, looking mischievous, I realize he isn't as innocent as I had hoped.

I hold his condescending stare and say nothing, crossing my own arms in front of my chest. An impatient boy by nature, Guy's the one to lose the unspoken contest. Rolling his eyes, he tries to convey the same message, this time with words.

"Oh, come on Julian, he's a kid! He's bound to break a window or two in his lifetime." And of course the justification for his startling behavior is poor, to say the least.

"Right. So, you're not even going to approach the subject with him...?" Guy sighs again, annoyed at me, and I just know yet another argument has started between us.

"My brother is not stupid. He knows he did wrong. He didn't break that window on purpose. It was an accident. As long as he doesn't hurt himself or other people, it's okay. Material things are easy enough to replace."

Really, I should've been expecting it. Besides being constantly laid-back, Guy also always sides with Emile. He loves the kid. And in a way he is right. It's not that big of a deal. Emile's a good boy. But this leniency of Guy's is bad for the both of them.

Emile needs to know what’s right and what’s wrong. He has to learn that his actions and mistakes have consequences. Even if he doesn't do things on purpose. I'm not saying Guy should punish the kid. A word about the situation would've been quick and enough. But for it to be effective, it has to be said.

Also, if Guy keeps spoiling the kid, Emile will forever be dependent of his older brother and will never be able to do anything for himself. And then one day, the admiration Emile feels for Guy will end up degrading into envy and scorn. What will then result into a rapid deterioration of their great relationship, hurting them both deeply in the process.

No, Guy may treat me with all the disdain and indifference he wants. I like them both too much to watch it happen quietly. They've been my neighbors since I remember and no matter the rest, I still consider them my friends.

"Money does not fall from the sky like rain, Guy. You have to earn it, teach kids not to waste it. Material things are easy to replace, but that doesn't mean you can be careless about them." I say, trying to make him understand. However, despite being both stubborn, me and Guy, we are very different. And like as of lately, he misunderstands my words. Shrugging, he says.

"Well, if you're worried about that, Julian, it goes without saying that I'll take care of everything. I'll contact the store and pay for whatever he broke. You don't need to worry about a thing." I sigh. He definitely doesn't get me anymore. It's like we're in different wavelengths.

"The money is not the problem, Guy. The way you're acting is." I retort calmly, perhaps even a touch too cold. Emile and Cass look from one of us to the other, unsure of what to do.

"The way I'm acting?" Guy asks, his dark eyes flashing, and I know he's getting really angry now. What is a good thing, it means he's finally listening to me.

"You're being as careless as he was. You're not behaving like an older brother at all." Guy laughs, but it's bitter, forced and angry. Not his joyous laugh at all. He's really furious at me now. I'm mad at him, too, but I don't exactly show it. I tend to get colder and more distant in my anger than fierce.

"Well, excuse me if I'm not chewing my baby brother's head off about an accident that could have happened to anyone here. It would make him cry for the rest of the day. He's sorry enough as it is, by the way. After all, he just has to look at your face to feel guilty, Julian! It might be surprising to you, but this is called being supportive. Older brothers should also be like that once in a while."

I turn to Guy, a little shocked. Not only is he practically screaming at me, he's also more aggressive than I ever saw him. All I can think about is that I must've struck a nerve somehow, but, shit! His words hurt. I don't deserve them, I might've been harsh but I was only trying to help him understand his own mistake.

It doesn't help that when I look at Emile, I see him crying again and my sister holding him still in his seat. I can see she's frightened but especially infuriated with me, too. And that just drives the knife even deeper. Hurt, angry and not thinking straight, I end up feeding their fury even further.

"Okay, so I'm not supportive and I'm a cruel bastard. Fine." I say coldly. Guy looks at me sharply and tries to interrupt me with a firm "I didn't say that…"

Not paying him any mind, I continue. "But, you know what? At least I'm not indulgent and irresponsible like you are. You, who above all, should be a role model to Emile and a thousand other young boys who look up to you."

Guy's eyes flash and he purses his lips into a thin line in fury. For a moment he has such a wild expression to him that I think he's going to hit me. Instead he apparently reins in his anger and shrugs with a superior suffering sigh.

"Same old Julian." He simply says. I frown at his antics and at his words' critical connotation.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I can't help asking, even though I know I probably shouldn't. I just know I'm going to regret that previous question. This argument is getting too out of hand. It has to be the worst we ever had and I have this ominous feeling it may well be the end of our striving friendship. Clearly expecting this reaction of mine, Guy immediately responds.

"It means you haven't changed. You're still the same control freak, perfectionist, stubborn, uptight and arrogant Julian you were when we were little. No, I take that back: you're even worse now! You're not even mad at Emile for what he did. Not really. You're mad at me, because I'm not behaving according to your standards of perfect conduct.

Everything around you has to be ideal, hasn't it Julian? Your grades are perfect 100%; your appearance is impeccable whenever you go somewhere; your actions are always the best in whatever situation; even your friends are the most sophisticated people at school. You live chained by a set of illusionary perfect rules you created to control every step you take, rules that are preventing you from enjoying your life to the fullest.

With sixteen years old you have your entire life planned until the day you die. Graduate with the highest scores in the country; enter a prestigious medical school; once again graduate with the highest scores; become a great pediatrician; working in one of the best hospitals of the country; marry a classy woman; have two children: a boy and a girl; and so on...You study and plan everything way before so that nothing escapes your precious control. I don't think I could live like you do, Julian. Honestly, I would never want to live like you do.

Still, that's your choice. Now, you can't expect people to follow your ideals of perfection either. I don't share your standards, so stop giving me advice on how I should act around other people, especially my brother. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not one of your perfect friends, not anymore. I'm way out of your control now, Julian, I'm sorry."

Guy ends his long speech with a shrug. Taken aback by his words, I stare at his chest silently for a longtime. He heaves a long sigh and seems relieved somehow. I guess he had that bottled up inside of him for a long time. To think that he thought that about me for all these years and I never knew. I’m shocked, drained, completely knocked out.

His words keep echoing in my mind over and over again. Am I such a cold and calculating person? Such a bad brother and friend? I must be. After all, I can’t find anything wrong with his description of me. Some parts are perhaps a little twisted, but not exactly wrong. For once, I don’t know how to handle this. I was not prepared for it. He was right in that aspect, too.

Well, at least, everything is clear, now. Why we grew apart when we were close as kids. Why he stopped hanging out with me. Everything. I guess I was wrong, earlier. Our friendship was not striving to exist: it has been over for a long time now.

Guy has started fidgeting in front of me. He’s probably waiting for a reaction and he’s becoming impatient. Cass and Emile have been distressingly quiet in their seats, not even daring to breathe. Emile’s face is completely white, his coffee brown eyes wide in fear. Poor kid. I must scare him shitless.

Finally I take a deep breath. And with it, some of my apathy fades and I notice for the first time something akin to pain tightening my chest. A sudden urge to cry overcomes my senses, but I refrain from it with everything I’ve got. I won’t let him see me weak. I don’t want his pity.

I have to say something. But I don’t want to scream insults at Guy in return. Honestly, I don’t have the energy and it would be pointless. Still, for the life of me, I can’t think of anything else to say. I lower my eyes and make my voice utter something.

"I didn't even imagine you saw me like that, Guy." Is what comes out and I feel quite proud of myself. The comment is not offensive (it has a veil of bitterness to it but, considering the circumstances, I can’t exactly help it) and surprisingly even my voice sounds steady enough, just a little lower than I’d like. Guess I really am a cold bastard, even when I’m incredibly hurt inside.

Guy sighs at my sentence, giving me the uncanny feeling that he’s disappointed with my answer. Still, I refuse to look up at his face to confirm it. I don’t think I’ll be able to look him in the eye for awhile after this. He sighs again and closes our argument.

"There's a lot in this world you don't imagine, so, for your sake, stop being so full of yourself. Stop telling everyone else what to do. Most people don't like it and if you continue like this, one day you'll wake up with no true friends. You're intellectually brilliant, but you're not always right. Come Emile, let's go home." He concludes. His tone is different from his fiery attack before, even if his last words hurt no less than the others. Still, he seems a little sad and angry instead of just angry. Not that it matters.

Emile rises from his seat, pushed by Cassandra who hasn’t stopped glaring at me since the discussion began. Guy grabs Emile’s hand and walks in the direction of the hallway. Emile glances at me with teary eyes and resists his brother’s pull.

"But, but..." He argues, looking at his brother. Guy doesn’t appear to notice his efforts, though. It’s Cassandra who pushes the small kid again with a soft. “Just go.” Emile frowns but eventually stops struggling with both.

"I'll take care of whatever Emile broke right away." Guy speaks with his back to me, clearly not paying attention to the kids.

"There is no need." I say. He sighs.

"I insist.” He affirms, resolute, and then ruffles my sister’s hair with his free hand and a forced smile. “See you later, Cass."

She nods and smiles too. "I'll take you to the door." She offers, leading the way.

"Thanks Cass." Guy returns, walking after her without another look back. Emile, however, does turn back to me. And his expression is so sad I feel immensely guilty. Forcing a smile, I wave a goodbye at him. He waves back but he can’t quite manage a smile of his own and I feel like I lost another friend.

«««««««»»»»»»»

As Cassandra comes back from taking Emile and Guy to the front door, I cross her in my way to my room.

She puts her hands in her hips and glares at me.

"Why do you always have to pick a fight with Guy?" She asks, truly angry. She really likes Guy. Feeling guilty, dejected and hurt, I practically beg her.

"Just leave me alone, Cass." She scrunches her nose as I walk past her and shouts at me, voice heavy with tears.

"Guy was right about you. I wish he was my brother." Already in the top floor, I barely hear her and it’s just another stab to an already numb wound. I enter my room and lock the door. For a moment, my eyes fall onto my Biology workbooks and in a useless fit, I grab them and fling them against the wall. They end up in a heap on the floor, but strangely, I don’t actually care.

Feeling extremely tired, I lay down on the bed and few seconds later, my tears finally start to fall. I eventually cry myself to sleep.

Tbc…


Ending notes: He, I never thought I could write anything other than fantasy… Anyway, this story is a request from my brother Julian. It’s a little cliché-ridden and for once, I’m going with the flow. I’ve planned nothing in this story and I’m just writing it for fun. So, I don’t know how it will end and it most probably will suck big time. =) Still, for the ones who decide to read it, I really hope you enjoy. As said before, this is dedicated to the best brother in the world. I know you’ll hate your character but he has many good points, so please don’t kill me. Thanks for all your unconditional support and endless patience. Love you Jules!

TCD chapter 6 or ‘No Regrets’ will come in another week and a half or so. Sorry, I was inspired to complete this first. Thanks for your encouragement and patience!