(un)happy medium

(un)happy medium

My ex-girlfriend Lee said she liked curvy girls. That she wanted someone who was happy and healthy, not overweight, but a happy medium. I wasn't that sexily Kate Winslet-curvy, nor was I Kate Moss-skinny. I was some sort of medium, but not a happy one.

I gained weight when I was with her, a healthy weight gain, but it made me feel uncomfortable at first. She made me feel that it was okay to gain weight. I'd never felt that way before. She would dig her nails into my thighs when we had sex and bury her face between them. I never felt as beautiful as when she did that.

Lee was very fit because she worked out a lot - lifting weights and stuff like that. I remember how safe I would feel when she wrapped her strong, muscular arms around me when we slept in her bed.

I had an eating disorder when I was in high school. I was probably skinnier than Kate Moss for a while. Sometimes I miss the feeling of my bones sticking out as I lay down and trace my hand over my chest and down my stomach and hips. Now it's all covered with layers of fat. It was a long time ago though. If I keep telling myself that I can pretend that it's not still with me. Even when I nearly started starving myself after Lee dumped me.

I'm not sure what held me back.

Now she's dating a really fat chick. I think she was lying about the happy medium thing. It was a long time ago now. If I keep telling myself that I'm over her I can pretend that I don't miss her. Even if I haven't dated anyone since.

Deep inside I know I would kill to have her back.

I have three best friends. Chloe is the one I've known the longest, ever since kindergarten when she used to steal my crayons and make me cry. She's still the only one who knows how to make me cry. She's one of those skinny girls who will stand in front of the mirror and pinch her non-existant fat rolls and complain about how fat she is just so people will say, "You're not fat, you're sooo skinny!"

I used to humour her and say what she wanted to hear, but then the eating disorder turned me into a bitch. Now I say, "Yeah, Chloe, you're sooo fat, lose some weight." She always says, "Don't be so fucking sarcastic, Hayley, you jealous cow." Our friendship is like that. She's the most loyal person I know, always ready to defend anyone she considers a friend. Her stand is, no one insults my friends but me.

Emi has anorexia and she triggers me a lot. We met in high school and used to fast together, but she stuck with her anorexia while I advanced to bulimia and then some sort of recovery in the form of Lee. A lot of people overlook Emi because she doesn't say much about anything, but I think she likes it that way.

One person saw her though and that is her nice boyfriend Parker. When she says, "Does this make me look fat?" he says, "No, it makes you look like you always do - gorgeous." I think she's better now. Maybe she can be happy soon.

Last is Crystal whom I've known since college. She's a happy fat girl who doesn't care that she is fat and gets all the guys because of her radiant personality and confidence. No one ever thinks about the fact that she is unhealthy. Sometimes I wish I could be like her. Happy, fat and attractive. Sometimes I hate her and call her a fat pig, and I hate her more when she laughs and gives me that 'you're just insecure'-look.

Sometimes I dream that I'm digging a knife into her belly. I always wake up smiling. Sometimes her face turns into Lee's, and I wake up screaming. If I keep telling myself that Lee is still warm and safe in the arms of her fat lover I can pretend that I don't understand those dreams. Even if her body is so cold next to mine.