Jessica's Freshman Year

His fingers fastened around my waist as he pushed himself into me from behind, his carnal grunts resonating against my neck. I cried out and he grabbed a fistful of my hair, pushing me further against the ground.
“Shut the fuck up.”
I kept whimpering softly, the burning pain of his intrusion tearing me apart. He slammed himself against me again, harder this time, and my knees buckled. I fell on my stomach, and he followed me to the ground, covering my body with his. He ground his hips roughly against my pelvis and I begged him softly through tears, desperate.
“Please… Please stop. I … “
“ I said shut the fuck up.” He smashed my cheek into the ground and pushed himself deeper, pumping into me with short brutal strokes. His breath quickened, he was close now. He leaned down and whispered into my ear, “You had this coming to you bitch.”
I cried out again as he speeded up but he was too distracted by his own pleasure to punish me for it. His grunts escalated into moans. I watched as his muscles rippled against his chest with every thrust he lashed against me, his eyes brutal and merciless. With a beast-like moan, he exhaled as he spilled himself into me. I jerked away but he held my hips still, making sure I soaked up every bit of what he gave me. I whimpered helplessly as I felt my bruised tender skin absorb his seed, my thighs quivering from the pain. Time stood still as he held me trapped in that position. I looked up at him, trying to find some recognition, anything that I could use to make him stop, but I saw something savage behind those familiar features. He was still breathing hard but his cold hard gaze never wavered. He wanted to teach me a lesson, to humiliate me. Satisfied, he pulled out roughly and let my hips fall hard on the floor. I curled into myself as he walked over to where he had thrown his clothes. I closed my eyes and breathed silently for a moment before I heard his footsteps approaching me again. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up against his legs. My battered body groaned in protest as he twisted my shoulder behind me. He spoke through gritted teeth.
“Listen carefully, bitch. This time it was just me. This was us taking it fucking easy on you. But if you ever rat on one of us again, next time it’ll be the whole damn team. You got that?”
I yelped as his grip tightened. “I said do you fucking understand?”
I managed to choke out a strained ‘yes’ between tears and he threw me back on the floor. I watched him as left the room, slamming the door behind him.
I lay still on the floor for what seemed like hours. I watched it get dark outside. Very slowly, I dragged myself towards the pile of clothes in the corner of the room. I got dressed, still crying softly. I held my breath, reassuring myself that everything would be okay if I could just get back to my room. I walked across the campus, taking shortcuts and small obscure paths, desperate to avoid all human contact. I slipped into my dorm from the back door and crawled into the sanctuary of my bed, digging my face into the pillow. My mind felt like it was submerged in an ice bath. Burning pain throbbed between my thighs. I fell asleep after a little while, desperate to forget what had just happened.
I woke up near midnight and limped towards the showers. The hot water stung but it felt good to wash his sweat off my skin. I couldn’t worry about evidence. I couldn’t tell anybody. They were animals, they’d hurt me worse if anyone ever found out.
I closed my eyes and thought of him, how rough he’d been, how merciless. I never thought that he could have acted that way, under any circumstance; then again I didn’t really know him at all.
I’d met him several weeks ago, at the start of my freshman year when we were assigned as lab partners in chemistry. I remember the small wave of jealous murmurs that had erupted through the remainder of the girls, especially the sophomores. I remember watching him walk over to sit down next to me. He was a football player. I knew that already, everyone knew the football players on campus – they were the first faces freshmen were told to recognize. They were the university’s prize, and they could get away with anything. The school’s social scenes revolved around their schedules.
He plopped down next to me and introduced himself: Michael Dale. He shook my hand and grinned. He was gorgeous. With dark eyes and golden brown hair that fell gently against his forehead, he could have been a model for a high-end aftershave ad. The edges of his eyes crinkled when he smiled his brilliant smile. His body was unbelievable, a powerful frame of wide shoulders and strong legs, wrapped in layers upon layers of lean muscle. He moved smoothly, with perfect composure, yet he always seemed relaxed when seated. He was perfect.
We were given five minutes to get to know our partners and he told me he was pre-med, and that he hoped to be a neurosurgeon one day. He was born in a small town in Idaho, and he was a junior. He pushed his hair back as he spoke, sending butterflies through my stomach. I tried not to let my voice quiver when I told him about myself.
Soon after, I found that it was hard not to be comfortable around him. He was very laid-back and smiled often, making little jokes here and there to make me laugh. He was smarter than I expected, and I found out from the girls on my hall that Michael was known as the studious one on the team.
I had skipped the introductory freshman course based on my high school chemistry background but an advanced college course was still beyond my preparation at times. Michael would stay after class sometimes to help me out. I’d watch him as he explained different structures to me, endlessly patient as I fumbled to understand what he was saying. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
I heard gossip about him here and there. I found out that he had had a serious girlfriend last year, who he had broken up with when she hooked up with a guy on the baseball team. I heard rumors about the parties he frequented, and how incredible he looked, leaning against doors and chatting up senior girls. I saw him play football, and watched as he and his friends won games one after the other and ran glory laps around the field as the crowd cheered. I also found out that his best friend, James, the team quarterback, was in my math class. I watched James sometimes when I got bored during lecture, trying to figure out what it was that connected those two. I wondered if Michael had told James about me, and then felt silly for thinking it. James probably had no idea who I was.
That was until he became convinced that I ratted on him for cheating during a math exam. Two days ago my roommate, Anna had confronted me and said that everyone was saying that I had turned in James Daniels for cheating. I had sat two rows behind him for the exam but had focused on my own paper the whole time. I’d never even mentioned his name outside of my dorm room. I told her I hadn’t and she said that whether I was lying or not, the rumor had spread fast and the ethics committee had dragged James in and made him take another test, which he ‘d failed. The school placed him on temporary suspension from the football team mid-season. He’d told his teammates that I’d turned him in and had gone home for two weeks. People got angry – fast. The worst I got from my classmates were hisses and hushed whispering. I tried to tell my friends that I had had nothing to do with it but they didn’t take me seriously. I figured, as bad as it was, it would blow over, and I’d explain myself to Michael come class Friday morning. The way I felt about him – I knew he had to believe me.
He wasn’t in class Friday morning but I got an e-mail from him soon after, asking me to meet him that evening in the chemistry lab to do the problem set. Relieved, I had gone back to my room to straighten my hair and choose something to wear. When I got to the lab there was no one around. I saw him leaning against the window, looking gorgeous but cold. He looked angry. I walked in nervously. He turned to me, no difference in his expression. I walked over to one of the benches and put my folders down. He walked towards me, past me, behind me, closed the door and then locked it. I turned to him slowly.
“Michael?”
Before I knew it his hands were on me, yanking my clothes off and pushing me towards the floor. Then he…
I opened my eyes. The skin on my neck was red from the hot water. I’d been rubbing the same spot with my soap and the muscle ached beneath it. I turned and washed the caked blood off my thighs. Turning off the water, I wrapped the towel around myself and slowly walked back towards my room. It was Saturday now. Michael Dale had raped me yesterday. He’d ripped my virginity away from me.
I lay awake in bed until the sun came up and then drifted off to nightmares. When I woke up, it was early evening again and my stomach growled with hunger. I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours. There’d be no one at the school café at this hour, so I got up, got dressed and headed over. What if I saw him? What if he was there? What would he do? Would he hurt me again, would he acknowledge me?
When I got there the place was empty and I sighed in relief. I looked through the racks of junk food, desperate to find something quickly and get out of there and back to the sanctuary of my room. I focused on the bright colored wrappings laid out in front of me. In the harsh, cheap lighting of the café they shone neon. I let my mind drift into them, into a plastic wrapper world. I picked up one of the shinier bags of chips.
Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. I stood deadly still. A rough voice against my ear, “You sore bitch?” It wasn’t Michael’s voice. It took me a moment to recognize it. It was Derek, another football player in my math class. I stifled a whimper in my throat.
I felt him grin against my neck. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you are, after all, your first time, it’s to be expected.” A tear rolled down my cheek. So Michael felt it when he ripped through my hymen. He’d felt it and told his teammates. They’d planned this whole thing. He gripped my shoulder harder and turned me around to face him. He had a look of both anger and amusement. His large frame towered over me and I shook under his grip. He leaned in close and laid his lips against my ear. He whispered, “You learn your lesson?”
“Yes.” I could only whisper in return, clenching my fists against my hips to keep from bursting into tears.
“You ever going to rat on us again?”
I wanted to scream that I hadn’t but it would only bring more trouble, more pain, if I denied it. I shook my head.
He laughed. “At least you learn fast.”
I nodded. He let go of my shoulder and I stood still.
He turned towards the snack counter as I looked down and waited for instructions, any instruction to let me know that I could leave. Without looking at me he said, “You fucked up girl. You fucked up big.”
I whispered that I was sorry.
He laughed again, although it was more like a knowing chuckle. “I’d hide out for a while if I was you. Just stay away from people, from parties. Especially from games. ” I nodded. He made eye contact. “Get out of here.”
I walked away from him, quickly paid for my food and half-walked, half-ran back to my dorm room, throwing myself back under the covers, ready to stay there for all of eternity if I had to.
Anna didn’t say anything. She just got dressed up and went out to party, desperate to cut her association to me. She probably just assumed that I was guilty. I didn’t care. I just wanted to sink into my bed and hibernate. I drifted off again.
I woke up to the sound of a knock on the door. I looked over; Anna wasn’t in her bed. This was probably her, forgot her keys or something. I glanced at the clock, 3:00 AM. I called out her name just to be sure but there was no answer.
Suddenly I heard his voice. “Jessica? Open the door for a sec.”
I cried out. This had to be a nightmare. He spoke again. “Jessica, I’m not going to hurt you, I just want to talk.”
I backed away slowly from the door, tears running down my cheeks. He couldn’t be here. I felt trapped, panicked. I considered screaming but I knew the trouble that would bring. Then I heard the key being pushed in, the lock clicking and the door slowly opened. Against the light outside, I saw his silhouette and the silhouette of another guy as they walked in. I stood very still.
He put the keys down on the desk next to him. “I told your roommate I needed to talk to you. She gave me her keys.” I couldn’t make out the features of the second guy behind him in the dark. Whoever he was, he closed the door behind them. I stood very still with my head down, trying to prevent myself from screaming.
Michael walked towards me and put his arms around my waist, pulling me close. He looked down at me. “You okay?”
It took all the restraint I had to keep myself from breaking into sobs. I didn’t say anything. I just kept looking down.
He sighed. “Jessica we need to talk.”
I looked up at him for a moment. “I won’t do it again. Please –“
“I know you didn’t rat on James.”
My breath got stuck in my throat. I felt my legs go weak. He felt it and held me up. He led me over to my bed and climbed on, dragging me onto his lap, cradling my hips gently against his thighs. He pushed the hair out of my face as tears ran down my cheeks.
He whispered softly against my neck. “It’s okay baby, it’s alright. You can cry. Just let it out.” He placed his fingers on my chin and softly pushed it against his collarbone. I began to sob, my body heaving as he held me steady. He let me go on, his lips against my forehead, comforting me.
After a minute, the other guy spoke. “Fuck Mike, what the hell’d you do to her?”
James. It was James who spoke. James was back.
Michael stroked my cheek. “I gave it to her pretty hard.” I started sobbing again. He whispered against my neck. “Baby, it was your first time, wasn’t it? I thought I felt…” He trailed off.
James looked down at me. “This is…this is my fault. I…” He sighed angrily. “Someone in math class said that she’d seen a girl, “Jessica,” tell on me but she said that this Jessica was a sophomore. There are like five of you in the class…” He paused for a sec. “When the guys asked I just gave them a physical description. I didn’t think that they’d get the wrong person. I’m sorry.”
Michael put his hand around my waist and pulled me down on my stomach. He lay down next to me and took me in his arms, cuddling. I whimpered softly against his chest. He stroked my back.
He turned to James. “Why don’t we talk tomorrow? I think she’s pretty tired.”
James nodded and left the room. Michael held me close and told me to relax. That he wouldn’t do anything. He leaned in again. “You deserve to fall asleep in someone’s arms after your first time Jessica. Let yourself go. I won’t let it hurt tonight.” He laid his lips against my cheek and told me to close my eyes.


TO BE CONTINUED…