Goodbye

I stared out the window watching the rain silently fall outside. If I hadn't already been drowning in depression, the dreary day might have made it worse. But there was nothing worse for me than sitting here in this house. Sitting next to the man who had promised to love me forever. I peered over at him, he was still in the same spot. Still playing the same video game. I sighed and lit another cigarette.

He looked over for a moment questioning my sigh. " What? If you have something to say then just say it."

I think for just a moment. " I'm leaving you."

He doesn't seem at all disturbed by my revelation. Why should he be? Its not like its something that hasn't been said before. Or something that I haven't done before. He goes back to playing his game.

" I'm serious. I'm leaving in a couple days. I'm moving to Washington."

He laughs. " Washington DC or State?"

" State."

" Why there?"

" Because its far enough away that I wouldn't have the choice to come back to you. I need to put us behind me if I'm ever going to have any kind of life." You would think I would have started crying already but the tears just don't come.

He shakes his head. " If that's what you think you should do. It doesn't have to end badly. Your making it worse than it has to be."

For some reason he always knows what to say to make me angry. And with this anger the tears finally come. " No! its not what I think I should do. Its what I have to do."

" Fine. Whatever. What do you want from me?"

" Ten years. That's all I want from you. The ten years I wasted being with you. But you can't give me that."

" I still love you."

" Don't say that to me. I don't want to hear you say that. " I try to hold back the tears. " I'm not going to fight with you anymore. I just can't do it. I don't love you. This relationship was over the first time I left you."

" Then why did you come back?" He had long since abandoned his game.

" You made me. I was fine where I was at."

" You were having a mental breakdown."

" Because of you. You broke my heart. Its because of you that I don't believe in love. If what we had was love then I'll be fine without it."

We don't say another word. He made dinner for the two of us and we ate in silence. We watched a movie together,and then he invited me to bed. Since I had been sleeping on the couch for a while, that meant he wanted sex.

I looked up at him before agreeing. " This will be the last time you touch me." Then I followed him into our bedroom.

The next few days were hectic. He worked a lot and had not asked anymore questions. It was the night before I was going to leave that he came home to me packing.

" Your really leaving?"

" I told you I was." I walked into the bedroom to get a few more things. He walked in behind me shutting the door. " What do you want?" He grabbed me from behind holding me. " Let go. I have to pack."

He was rubbing himself against me. " I thought we talked about this already?"

" The other night when I told you that was the last time you would touch me, I wasn't kidding. I'm leaving. I don't love you and if you tell me you love me one more time I'm going to hit you. Now let go of me so I can finish packing."

He backed away and walked out of the room. I heaved a sigh of relief. I finished packing and called my friend to let her know she could pick me up early.

Its been a year since that day. A lot of things have changed for me. I've learned how to take care of myself. My heart may never recover from the hurt but I have hope that one day I will be able to believe in love. Its that hope that keeps me going when there is nothing else.